Thursday, December 22, 2016

Godfrey Ho: Golden Ninja Warrior

Back again folks. Pinched nerve makes it difficult to write so yesterday was off. We're back with some more Godfrey Ho flicks because vengeance for the Friday the 13th remake! Beats demanding blood I suppose. Two ninjas operating two seperate missions end up teaming up to find the same ninja that keeps attacking them. This is Golden Ninja Warrior.

Worse bed and breakfast...ever.

Director Godfrey Ho (Inferno Thunderbolt, Ninja Destroyer, Ninja Hunt, Ninja Dragon, Bionic Ninja, Super Platoon, Project G-7, Ninja Kill and Ninja in Action)Tells the tale about a blood feud has broken out between two sects, the Red Ninja Warriors and the Golden Ninja Warriors. The intro gives a reprise to Ninja Terminator. I mean the original footage and intro showing us the titles were barely changed and this isn't even the goofiest thing attached. Our Golden Ninja isn't about a statue but in fact a girl name of Sherri Lee (Queenie Yang of Golden Ninja Warrior) chasing after a mob boss known as Four Eyes. Um I can't give you the actor's name because it does not show up on IMDB and the credits ran by at the end at F*CKING LIGHT SPEED so I am clueless to who he is.

Hi. I'm Richard Harrison.  Enjoy the review.

The typical Ho film is his own footage spliced with a failed movie, TV movie or TV pilot that went nowhere, piss poor dubbing and spliced shots to establish characters in the movie know one another and that the exposition will explain everything we know to be true in the film. So somewhere in there she is actually wearing a red ninja outfit so not very golden and she teams up with a guy Michael (Donald Owen of Golden Ninja Warrior) as they are both after Four Eyes for entirely different reasons and let's be honest, who would fear that crappy kingpin name? He is also doing this menacing laugh in almost every scene. My theory? The voice actor went over the top to either relieve boredom or camp so they would fire him and he could voice for Voltron or Robotech.

Fear the 80s hair.

One of the weirdest things is costume transition. They don their ninja costumes from a jump cut Wonder Woman like approach or a cheesy yellow smoke bomb going off by their feet followed by the jump cut into costume again. I saw this, paused and laughed. There was nothing else you could do but chuckle. One scene Sherri is fighting another girl with a fairly laughable choreography then instant costume change, more fighting and then Sherri bails all the while wearing her street clothes again. Piss poor editing and continuity you might say? Nah Godfrey Ho magic of... not really giving a crap. There is so much nudity, sex and shower scenes I am wondering what in the nine hells am I watching. Seemed like a soft core porno with ninjas. Ninja Golden Showers probably didn't help sales so not sure what else to take away from this lazy story telling, bad fight scenes and sex scenes that have all the eroticism of a cat turd. The other ninja female who AGAIN no real name attached to her seems to use the force or telekinetic powers spinning this throwing star the size of a hubcap. I was baffled at what the hell I was seeing.

The best scene with Ninja Chippie is her dagger throw that follows Sherri around the parking lot. Full on Deadite POV style. Again was it the force? Did Ninja Chippie read from the Necronomicon? Was it a Kandarian Dagger? Who the hell knows? From choppy beginning to end I was so confused by this flick, I started to think what a drinking game this would make. Transmogrifying ninja, take a drink. Random appearance of characters, take a drink. Sex scene, take a drink. You would be pie eyed before the damn thing was finished.

This also possesses the overtly used footage of Richard Harrison's ninja scenes for the intro and these scenes have been edited into dozens of the Ho Ninja titles. Yes, the same Richard Harrison of South Pacific, Giants of Rome, $100,000 for Ringo, Vengeance and Day After Tomorrow. FYI, to the ladies, there is a rape scene buuuuuut...poorly shot, jumpy editing and nothing graphic on the screen so they could have skipped it. I don't think we need, "I Spit on Your Ninja's Ancestors" but I could be wrong there.

Mom made me bundle up!