Sunday, December 4, 2016

Post Apocalyptia Italianio: The Exterminators of the Year 3000

How do all and welcome back for Day 4 of Post Apocalyptia Italianio. Yes the world had a nuclear war, the world is mostly desert and water is the most precious thing and blah blah blah. Marauders, bike gangs and gruff anti-hero yackkity yack yack. Yup, so not in the mood but let's try to put on our positive cap and give this flick a proper review. This is Exterminators from the Year 3000.

Ah not since Tracy and Hepburn, has there been such a couple.

Thanks to the nuclear holocaust, our ozone layer is depleted and water is in short supply. Connor MacLeod had no radiation shield to save us all.  HIGHLANDER 2 REFERENCE!!!!   Ahem, our rough, gruff and tough anti-hero with a heart of gold, Alien (Robert Iannucci of Young Doctors in Love, The Exterminators of the Year 3000 and 18 Wheels of Justice) having a run-in with the cops while the music sounds like John Carpenter having a stroke in mid-composure. Again as the lasers are easier to add-on in post rather than buying squibs, blanks and a butt load of pistols and rifles. In a colony compromised of dirt, cliffs and caves a young lad name of Tommy (Luca Venantini of Classe di ferro, Touch and Die, Poor But Beautiful, The Cave of the Golden Rose 5 and Primetime Murder) awaits his father for a new batch of water only he is a few days late...


With hydroponics, mushrooms and a few odds and ends, they are making due but they need fresh water and the means to transport it. I noticed cars over 1000 years apparently stopped manufactory after 1983, I saw a Chrysler E-Class zipping around. The biggest obstacle to the colony's survival, Crazy Bull (Fernando Bilbao of Apocalypse Joe, Black Beauty, Antony and Cleopatra, Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein, The Erotic Rites of Frankenstein. Fasthand and A Virgin Among the Living Dead) and his murderous, marauding moppets of mayhem or as he is fond of saying. Mother grabbers. Yup mother grabbers. I guess foul language was a no-no or they wanted less of that.   A common term for their killer cars are called Exterminators. Catchy, right.

The mother grabbers snag the colonist caravan is scooped up and slapped about being asked where the water is and refuse when put to the knives and die in silence. Tommy worms his way on foot, links up with Alien pinned in a mangled mobile. Tommy finds use in Alien as they must keep the water spring a secret but you get the general vibe that Alien can be trusted as far as you or I could throw an elephant. Further down the stretch they encounter Trash (Alicia Moro of Pulsebeat, Dear Nanny, Slugs, Dark Mission: Evil Flowers, Edge of the Axe, Velvet Dreams, Hot Blood and Golden Balls) and not be confused with Trash of Bronx Warriors and Escape from the Bronx. Here's a hint. Bewbs. Trash allies with tedious twosome and introduces the lads to Papillion and he will spout pearls of wisdom and...hey. That's Pag from Yor, the Hunter from the Future! Good! I felt this film would need a lot of hemp before they're through. Through the awesome power of Edward Mannix's voice, Papillon begins to tell them of days of high adventure!   Cue the Conan the Destroyer soundtrack!!!  He claims to be an astronaut who  now collects junk, refurbishes it and is a decent mechanic and tech savvy but babbles way too much about the Earth when it was green.  Could be an immortal git but I cannot say for certain.

Humungus' Road Rally of Death!!!

It is a race to the water as Crazy Bull tries his level best at being Immortal Joe or Lord Humungus but he just ends up reminding me of Vernon Wells' Wez from The Road Warrior. No planning really just reaction.   Effects are fair.  Just wanted a bit more battered land vehicles OF THE FUTURE to go with the laser guns, maybe a scale model flying ship they could call a dragon or sky god. The car stunts are impressive and I hope there were some decent roll cages or they just fast edit cut to an empty car as they did in a few shots. Alien is...well he is definitely a jerk but dammit he's our jerk.

So yeah if you need your Road Warrior fix and don't want to remember lines as complicated as: "I'm just here for the gasoline." "Be still my dog of war. I understand your. We've all lost someone we love. But we do it my way!" and of course, "Greetings from the Humungus! The Lord Humungus! The Warrior of the Wasteland! The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla!" Yup, I guess Thunderdome and Fury Road are the only quotable flicks in the Mad Max quadrilogy.  Unlike some of these knock-offs this had a good cast, decent story progression but it does lull a bit in the second act. Of course that is the pacing they learned how to build up suspense. Violent is brutal but not much by today's standards and sorry pervs, no rape scenes. I'm so sorry. So so sorry.

Still know where the best hemp is.