Friday, December 23, 2016

Godfrey Ho: Zombie vs Ninja

Hey folks. Back again. You know I have read and seen plenty of the versus titles. From crossover rival comic books to Freddy Vs Jason, I have viewed and leaved through my far share of versus combo platters that baffle the heart and mind. And then I came across today's title that just made me a bit slack jawed. So join me for Zombie vs Ninja.

You feel as goofy as I do?

Classic definition of Zombie is: (The body of a dead person given the semblance of life, but is mute and will-less, by a supernatural force, usually for some evil purpose.) Now let's look up Ninja: (a member of a feudal Japanese society of mercenary agents, highly trained in martial arts and stealth hired for covert purposes ranging from espionage to sabotage and even assassination.) So how terrifying must it be for a skilled assassin to dispatch the roaming undead? Our story begins with a buck toothed undertaker/Kung Fu master whooping three guys fresh from coffins. Our zombies perhaps? They fight for a few minutes and then go back to their coffins due to dawn. No zombie activity thus far as I write this I am in for 30 minutes. The main story is about a Chinese man in ancient times named Ethan. Sure it is.  Ethan was beaten down by a group of thieves who then kill his father. Swearing blood oaths and vengeance he seeks them out. Hmm. To punch this up we could make him a Ghost Rider. Nah, that would be silly. We will call this movie part 1.

Not since Mickey Rooney's yellow face have I been so offended.

Due to piss poor splicing and bad editing, movie part 2 has our other hero name of Dragon (Pierre Kirby and yes Cinema Snob fans, that Pierre Kirby) or Duncan as he is credited in the film as he must go after the thieves and their hired assassins, the ninjas. You know they're ninja not by their fighting style but the fact they are all wearing headbands with the word ninja written on it. Yup that's not stupid at all. Shameless self-promotion. Maybe they went through a warp in the space time continuum and attended a Tony Robbins seminar.

Even Rocky had a montage!!!

Ethan's father is murdered, he is left unconscious and an undertaker abducts him and begins his training as an undertaker. Ethan is so buff, he can carry a coffin on his back. Thing is well over a hundred pounds and he is wandering into the woods and to nearby villages with it strapped to his back. Ethan runs into the people that killed his father. With some advice from Dragon Duncan, Ethan begs the undertaker to train him in Kung Fu in order so he may avenge his father. Dude's training session consists of digging holes deep enough to lay the dead down and carrying a coffin full of rocks. Again, the undertaker calls Ethan soft when the facts are out that he isn't. His 80s training montage music sounds like Jan Hammer's Crockett Theme from Miami Vice, just a bit sped up is all. Oh spoilers...NO MORE FRICKIN' ZOMBIES if in fact there were any that those three dudes in the coffins.

The brightly colored, big shoulder padded ninjas must do battle with Dragon and to be fair, the action scenes aren't bad and there is some decent choreography buuuuUUuuut...I just cannot get over the fact that they all look like extras on a Power Rangers episode. I will stick with real classic struggles of ninjas against the undead like the 2008 epic story Ninjas vs Zombies and bid you good day, Godfrey Ho.

Wow two yaks what I am staring at.