Thursday, December 1, 2016

Post Apocalyptia Italianio: 2020 Texas Gladiators

Hey all! Welcome back for Day 3 of Post Apocalyptia Italianio. Well I am finally done it. Thanks to the former horrors of epinions, I purposely am watching a Joe D' Amato film. Who you may ask? Okay, just pretend you asked because I sit through some really crappy flicks for your reading and listening pleasure! Why, writer/director/producer such scintilating picturesque pleasures like: (God Is My Colt .45, Heroes in Hell, Black Cobra Woman, Emanuelle in Bangkok, Sexy Nights of the Living Dead, Antropophagus, Porno Holocaust, Ator, the Fighting Eagle, The Blade Master a.k.a. Cave Dwellers and of course Gangland Bangers) and today he has his fingers deep within... post-apocalypse. Sheesh, pervs. This is 2020 Texas Gladiators.

They drew First Blood, not me.

So minute in and we have some collective of sweaty shirtless guys stealthily killing off a bunch of mud crusted crazed college kids in order to save a girl, nun and a priest. Turns out this team is actually coordinating as a whole. Team leader Nisus (Al Cliver of Black Emmanuelle White Emmanuelle, Rulers of the City, Zombi, Devil Hunter, The Black Cat, The Beyond, 2020 Texas Gladiators and Endgame- Bronx lotta finale), Halakron (Peter Hooten of Sunburst, A Woman for All Men, Orca, The Inglorious Bastards, The Fifth Commandment, Dr. Strange TV movie, The Soldier, Brothers in Blood and House of Blood) pretty boy Catch Dog (Daniel Stephen of 2020 Texas Gladiators, Warrior of the Lost World, War Bus, Three Supermen in Santo Domingo and The Inheritor) jokester Jab (Harrison Muller of 2020 Texas Gladiators, She, The Violent Breed and the Final Executioner) and Asian martial artist bad ass Red Wolfe (Hal Yamanouchi of Hunter of the Apocalypse. 2020 Texas Gladiators, 2019: After the Fall of New York, Phantom of Death, Robot Jox, The Way Back and The Wolverine).

Ugh, did I get shoehorned in as a love interest!?!

 So after the girl is being jumped, the priest has been crucified and the nun slashed her own throat, our boys spring into action. Bit uh, a bit slow there fellas. What happened? Damodar from Dungeons & Dragons was issuing orders with slow, precise clipped comments? Managing to save the girl, Catch Dog thinks he'll get some fun time but is almost immediately kicked in the ribs and sent out to leave the group. The girl Maida (Sabrina Siani of White Cannibal Queen, Daughter of the Jungle, Ator, the Fighting Eagle, The Throne of Fire and Black Cobra) after being almost savaged by Catch Dog, is dare I say a tad too trusting with Nisus's crew but agrees to show them her settlement of THE FUTURE... and apparently they just now live, work and breed in this settlement?? Seriously no explanation, fade to black wipe with a six months later tag or anything. They are just working on a chemical power plant and wear proper clothes again.

Carl, did you beef?

The chemical plant is laid siege with Catch Dog being a creepy henchman to The Black One... a bald white guy. See if it was the Dark One I could see he is malefic or heartless but naming a pasty white guy the Black One (Donald O' Brien of The Train, Run, Man, Run, Grand Prix, The Name of the Rose,Ghosthouse, Quest for the Mighty Sword a.k.a. Troll 4 and Frankenstein 2000) is a bit odd. His group of black clad Neo Nazis proceed to raise some hell and it is at this point, I just checked out. Mentally I was off in my own little warm oasis. Native Americans dispatching Neo Nazis which... was actually rather cool now I think about it, and yet at least 4 more implied or topless rape scenes. Exploitation goddesss Geretta Geretta (2020 Texas Gladiators, Warrior of the Lost World, Rats: Night of Terror, Demons, Buy & Cell, Shocking Dark a.k.a. The Terminator 2 and Sweets and Treats) does make an appearance but alas no speaking role.

No sooner did this composure sound familiar I ran to IMDB and beheld what had came to pass. Composer Carlo Maria Cordio (Absurd a.k.a. Zombie 6 Monster Hunter, Pieces, Ator, the Fighting Eagle, Endgame- Bronx lotta finale, The Lone Runner, Iron Warrior, Killing Birds a.k.a. Zombi 5- Killing Birds, Touch of Death, Shocking Dark a.k.a. The Terminator 2 and Midnight Ride) sythesizer magics, electric drums and electro funk sounds have graced my ears in some really trashy and tasteless flicks to which I thought, "Huh, well at least the soundtrack is good."

All in all, I was not a fan. There is next to no plot, the characters are not given enough time to develop as they are being wiped out left and right and the dubbing is probably so far off what the film was to be. Lifted Russian Roulette down to the lighting, tight zooms and attitude straight from the Deer Hunter. Things like continuity and proper transition, meh those just waste time. Hell I don't even have a proper timeline log. So yeah if you need your action/sci-fi post-apocalypse without any real effort, then folks you are in good hands. Usually a Joe D' Amato film offers some semblance of a story but not this turd waffle.

That's not Megaweapon!!!  BOOOOO!!!!