Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Jim Wynorski Week: Vampire in Vegas

Howdy all. I'm back with even more rations of Wynorski films. On today's schedule you will all be transported to Sin City itself, the land of glitz, glimmer, glam and gambling. Where the house always wins and the suckers should have folded.  Don't worry, we won't have to deal with the likes of Bugsy Segal. No instead howzabout a 300 year old vampire calling out that same old tune, "Baby Why Can't I See the Sun." You know this old chestnut, when mysticism and alchemy have failed, it's time for science. This is Vampire in Vegas.

Hate the DMV.  They are so slow.

 I also love the alternative title for the French distribution, Dark Evil. A lot of thought was poured into that one. That's like naming one of the Friday the 13th sequels, Sharp Stabby. Moving along, we hear the narrative of that spine tingling baritone voice that can be mistaken for the Grim Reaper, Tony Todd (Platoon, Candyman, Minotaur, Hatchet, Nite Tales: The Movie, The Thirst: Blood War, Hatchet II, 24, Marvel Super Hero Squad Online, Chuck and Jack the Reaper) is Sylvian, a 300 year old vampire that once roamed the lands with a nomadic tribe of vampires called the Xandars...possibly Xandau but who can say?   He grows tired of the one major drawback to vampirism which is, never seeing the sun. He's a lone wolf and kills on his own but only because his tribe was wiped out by the ancient Hungarian armies. Puts a real damper on your evenings. Why doesn't he just make his own scourge (group of vampires, also called a kiss or coven) and bring his own clan to reek havoc on the humans? Yeah not really his bag.Yet.

He seeks out a biochemist Dr. VanHelm (Delia Sheppard of Witchcraft II: The Temptress, Young Rebels, Sexbomb, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Haunting Fear, Rocky V, Roots of Evil and Animal Instincts) to do what he cannot, which is to make him immune to sunlight so he may once again lead more than a half-life. A couple camping out in the desert (are safe from Jason Vorhees because they are nowhere near Camp Crystal Lake, fake New York or space) hear screaming in the day for night shots, get out of their tent to Scooby investigate to see three women bound and burning at the stake. They do the smart thing and call it in to the cops. Sylvian grows weary of these failed experiments and tired of using his newly made children as guinea pigs for this botched attempt give him power to withstand the sun. An ultimatum is given to Dr. VanHelm of three days to fix the mistake or their working relationship is null and void.

Ugh hurry up.  Gettin ze boobie burn.

Now how about a tepid sex scene? The R&B was enjoyable though. Jason (Edward Spivak of The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman, Vampire in Vegas, Slacker P.I., The Art of War III: Retribution and A Hero's Unsung Dignity)and Rachel (Soyna Joy Sims of Camp Blood 2, Trauco's Daughter, English For All, Reflections of Evil, Gilmore Girls and A Coat of Snow) are newly engaged, set for the nuptials as Jason goes out for one more time of "freedom" via bachelor party weekend. Yup, his boys can't stand to see him whipped i.e.happy with the girl in his life.

City Slickers 3: Vegas or Bust.

Detective O' Hara (GiGi Erneta of She's No Angel, Burning Desires, Project Viper, Cheerleader Massacre, The Insatiable, Dusk and Vampire in Vegas) and Detective Stanton (Ted Monte of Silence of the Lambs, Treasure Hunt, The Curse of the Komodo, Glass Trap, Komodo vs. Cobra, Solar Flare, Turbulent Skies and Super Shark) are on the case of three crispy cuties and things seem a little weird. Will Jason get Rachel?? Will Sylvian touch daylight?? Will I stop this bat-tastic gag??

A few comments. Forensic lingo aside, the take on the crime scene wasn't bad, although everyone should have been wearing their little booties and find some way to block the wind on evidence.

They put that lovely Melissa Brasselle in a blonde wig.  Shame on the lot of you. On that note, I really didn't complain about the slutty outfit so back to being a pig apparently. The scenes with solid bodies and augmented chests are surprisingly no nudity. Seemed a tad odd to do that for a strip club scene but I am not in charge and maybe they were going for a wider audience as the swearing isn't anything you wouldn't be stunned with. Todd looks like he is having too much fun this time under the fangs and is a bit silly in his role. Also you will absolutely love the vampire expert/weaponeer/mechanic. The dude's delivery is so damn funny as he is serious brandishing different wooden stakes, telling the best penetration, his garlic syrup gag and even some pump action water guns naturally fitted with holy water.

Spotted Paul Logan again so that is three Wynorski films I have seen him now and Roger Corman and Jim Wynorski regular Jeff Rector. By the by, watch Jeff Rector's Revamped and see how many people you recognize in it. It will crack you up.

Well she clearly does crunches.