Biohazard

Howdy folks. Well because of the re-release of the revamped with new bells and whistles Resident Evil 2, I decided to find something to brand that up. So digging through the archives of producer/writer/director Fred Olen Ray for anything resembling that and well...the Japanese title is acknowledged with this film buuuuut...I'm not sure what I am in for. This is Biohazard.

Are Boobs and I invited to the phone conversation?

Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (Evil Toons, Star Hunter, Night Shade, Illicit Dreams 2,Tomb of the Werewolf, Bikini Airways, Teenage Cavegirl and Nuclear Hurricane) and I am not as versed with him as I am Jim Wynorski or their Italian mockbuster counterpart Bruno Mattei, so this should be interesting. I did see Alienator with Ross Hagen, John Phillip Law, Jan Michael Vincent, P.J. Soles and Joseph Pilato. Yes I recognized them all because...I have reviewed a lot of film, TV and near photographic memory.

Our movie begins as most do, with some simple slide texts and some synthesizer. We open with a APC driving into Vasquez Rocks??!!! AHHHH!!!! Sorry, sorry. I am a wee bit sick of this as a location. I get its appeal of being remote and isolated but ugh. Just a bit irked I can recognize it by sight.

Hearing a giger counter bury the needle is always a cause for alarm in my book. Could also have been a stock sound effect. Gonna punch most of our "Military Men" as NONE of them bothered with a G.I.cut. HAIR GROWS BACK! Well, for most of us. I hadn't taken in account of male pattern baldness. My bad.

As the experiments continue, experts range from a scientist Dr. Williams (Art Payton of Beverly Hills Madam, Never Too Young to Die, Emanon, Defense Play and Knots Landing) to a rather chesty psychic, name of Lisa (Angelique Pettyjohn of The Girl from U.N.C.L.E., Get Smart, The Touch of Her Flesh, Clambake, Star Trek and Hell's Belles)

So our heroes are experimenting with transmitting and assembling matter from nearby dimensions. Yup, the physics are right out the window with this grade of Sci-Fi but you normally expect it in 70s to 80s TV. Not everyone has a blue police box at the ready. So scientists twisting space and time and basically giving God the middle finger. Well this will clearly not backfire.

Probably measuring zombie rads like Zombi '90.

Transport expert and ex-military, Mitchell Carter (William Fair of Deep Space, Take My Daughters, Please, The First Power, Marked for Murder and Deep Impact) and his driver get to the secret lab in time to watch General Randolph (Aldo Ray of Johnny Nobody, The Virginian, The Violent Ones, The Green Berets, The Houndcats, The Centerfold Girls, Black Samurai and The Lucifer Complex) blow his top. With this science being fiddle faddle, poppycock and utter balderdash, Dr. Williams is hoping to change his mind.

They manifest some sort of container and naturally the general called dibs, ignores the scientist because...plot device.   I mean military intelligence knows all!   We also do not comment on how uniforms don't match military chain.  One guy is in civvies camo style. Again we are behaving. 

Trick 'r Treat, sucka!

Naturally the Army is made to look like asses as the container breaches and out comes!...a very small alien. Like the size of a kid. Um, okay. So toddler Clawful smacks a grunt to death and escapes into the wilderness.

Carter and Lisa team up to chase the creature down. Lisa seems to exhibit empathy rather than telepathy. Not sure if that was important but I noticed that. Of course since they are working together she feeds him Dinty Moore stew and then proceeds to mack him on the couch, with the girls out on display. Must be co-operational behavior.

Can Carter and Lisa capture or destroy our itty bitty invader??  Will General Randolph stop burbling lines like he is drunk?  How does Lisa's bra handle the strain??

I recognized precisely two people in this flick and that is rare I do not recognize more. Maybe more Fred Olen Ray films will fix that oversight. Aldo Ray I clocked from Black Samurai with Jim Kelly. Let's not get back into the hate crimes of that flick. Angelique Pettyjohn took even longer and then I remembered my original Star Trek era and Gamemasters of Triskelion popped in my head. Ample and very curvy, she tends to stand out. Buxom, I believe will get the point across.

At 84 minutes, we have a killer ET that is roaming Southern Cali with murder on his mind. The transmat device interacting with psychic energy sounds straight out of Tom Baker Doctor Who era and some light to moderate skin with your violence. A few blocking issues and I swear Aldo Ray was drunk for his scenes but all in all this can be a fun drinking game for movie tropes.

The creature costume looks pretty damn impressive courtesy of Kenneth J. Hall (Ghoulies, Critters, Carnosaur, Puppet Master 4, Puppet Master 5, Jack Frost, and The Clown at Midnight) and Fred's son, director Christopher Ray (Reptisaurus, Megaconda, 2-Headed Shark Attack, Mercenaries, Circus Kane and Minutes to Midnight) was roaming around it the bio suit at age 5.

An amusing side note, the Mexican VHS release was called Space Gremlins or Gremlins del Espacio if you prefer.

I sense you are gawking at me.