Fusion of Film: Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark

Day 2 of Fusion of Film and I realized we have not covered a cheezy Sy-Fy Saturday feature in ages. Yes my stomach and colon can only handle so many of those at a time. So for your reading pleasure and my viewing agony this title just begged me to look away. Naturally I ignored the warnings of : NO!! TURN BACK!!! and DEAR GOD, ARE YOU INSANE??!!! Our esteemed director Emile Edwin Smith (The Grove, Age of Ice and Flight World War II) is primarily known for being a CG supervisoer on TV and films that don't blow. Does that help us? Writer H. Perry Horton (A Haunting in Salem, 2-Headed Shark Attack, Shark Week,40 Days and Nights and 100 Degrees Below Zero) has penned a few stinkers so let's see how far the sinkhole will take us.

This is Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark.

Ahh!!! It's NOT Bruce!!!

This has all the vibes of straight to DVD monster/disaster film of which SyFy has been known for the last 20 years. Released from The Asylum productions our opus opens with a tugboat dragging a large iceberg through a port in Egypt, when all of the sudden!.. the iceberg cracks, shattering open and releasing an ancient megalodon making impossible for fishermen to earn of living as it dominates the seas that several countries put their ports on lockdown and create a ban on fishing to save lives. Yup countries hundreds if not thousands of miles away are doing this that it creates a drag on the planet's economy.

This is the third installment in the Mega Shark series giving the previous films a bit of history and knowledge of those fights of kaiju. The UN is apparently already prepping a prototype submarine to combat the creature that is yes a mecha shark. Cue the Godzilla music.

WHO FARTED???!!!!

Piloting our new craft is Jack Turner (Christopher Judge of Stargate SG-1, Andromeda, X-Men: Evolution, Masters of the Universe vs. The Snake Men, Stargate: The Ark of Truth, Stargate: Continuum and Paradox) and Rosie Gray (Elisabeth Rohm of Bull, Angel, Law & Order, Heroes, Lake Placid: The Final Chapter, Aftermath and The Client List) and commanded by Captain Reynolds (Steve Hanks of Island Claws, Hold Your Breath, Jailbait and Listening). Shiny!  Reprising her role is Debbie Gibson as esteemed Oceanographer, Dr. Emma McNeil who has become the foremost expert on Megalodons warns the U.S. Navy of the dangers of this creature as it no doubt is searching for a mate and spawning grounds. Channel that Matt Hooper, Debbie!

With the Mecha Shark submarine giving chase, Mega Shark is most vexed by this. Our Sea Quest vessel also has an A.I. onboard with tactical analysis, awareness of its surroundings and how to best to serve their crew and captain. Yes I didn't stutter. An A. I. Program added to our prototype submarine and why not? We broke the goofy meter minutes prior. From a massive shark leaping out of the waters to nail a plane 30,000 feet in the air, Australia having a fishing fleet near Botany Bay and sharks pimp slapping a torpedo away from itself with its tail.

Green screened to death as well as CGI Asylum brings this trilogy to a grinding halt capitalizing on the Godzilla franchise under the sea. There is more cheese than a dairy farm, its campy nature is not meant to be taken seriously...or at least I hope not. So if you have 90 minutes to kill then have at it. Me? I think it gave me a migraine.

Seagate Soggy Bottoms 1.

Shark Week: Sand Sharks

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to reading this blog…hehe sorry but that particular tripe read up had a long time coming.  Welcome back to the end of Shark Week and hopefully it has been entertaining and downright silly for you all.  Next on the docket is surprisingly enough YET ANOTHER SyFy movie.   Yeah well it has been kind of a running gag there.   Hey I could have subjected you to Orka so be grateful.  Okay then, get your floaties on, build that bonfire past safety regulations and let’s get this party started.   This is Sand Sharks.

 

Ride like the wind brah!!

If it’s like mother…it’s big…and it’s spoiler!

AWP (American World Pictures) founders of such cinematic straight to DVD abominations as: Sacrifice, Beyond the City Limits, Instinct to Kill, Pterodactyl and Young Cesar brings forth from the depths of Hell this delightful creature feature.  Now that may seem very negative…because it is. 

Our plot opens with the island resort of White Sands, local sheriff John Stone (Eric Scott Woods of Charmed, Ghost Game, April’s Fools, Jonah Hex and Sink Hole) and his sister Brenda  (Vanessa Lee Evigan of Less Than Perfect, Quiet Kill, Holiday in Handcuffs, Project Solitude and In My Sleep) and warning the Mayor (Edgar Allan Poe of Traces of Red, Dead Inn, Oliver Twisted, Monkeybone and King’s Highway)and swarmy prodigy Jimmy (Corin Nemic of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, Drop Zone, Stargate: SG-1, The Stand, Mansquito, S.S. Doomtrooper and The American Standards) that they have to close the beaches to what they believe is a shark attack.  Naturally there is scoffing so Sheriff Stone (Chief Brody) offers to call in an expert for a second opinion.  The mayor and his man brat agree to this but otherwise this party festival is still on. 

Breasts makes science easy to follow.

Enter Doctor Sandy Powers…tee fricking hee.  Dr. Powers (Brooke Hogan of 2-Headed Shark Attack, Devour and School of the Dead) will be our Matt Hooper archetype only she primarily is roaming around in a tank top and shorty shorts to display other assets to hide the lack of intelligence as she spews her lines.   Seriously, if you believe this girl is a marine biologist then you believed Tara Reid’s archeologist in Alone in the Dark.

Powers surmises that the creature is a prehistoric shark that existed and hunts in the sand rather than water. HUGE STRETCH but I dare say we move on as the festival appears to be a snack fest for these ravenous eating machines of CGI terror.

Yes I have more to say.   While this was not the gore gobbling fest that Piranha 3D was, I think it was meant to be NOT taken seriously.  I saw civvies having access to Napalm for God’s sake.  A flaming throwing M4 assault rifle was a prop.  The sharks look like a hybrid of a crocodile scaled shark but thankfully no Tiffany or Debbie Gibson was around.

Jonas Quinn makes pimpin' look easy.

This was hastily written, the CGI needed a lot of tweaking and well the performances felt like everyone was just a goofing around.   I am pretty sure this film is out there to be made fun of but that seems too easily.  Give me a creature feature that doesn’t know it is tripe like Snow Beast.