Day 2 of Fusion of Film and I realized we have not covered a cheezy Sy-Fy Saturday feature in ages. Yes my stomach and colon can only handle so many of those at a time. So for your reading pleasure and my viewing agony this title just begged me to look away. Naturally I ignored the warnings of : NO!! TURN BACK!!! and DEAR GOD, ARE YOU INSANE??!!! Our esteemed director Emile Edwin Smith (The Grove, Age of Ice and Flight World War II) is primarily known for being a CG supervisoer on TV and films that don't blow. Does that help us? Writer H. Perry Horton (A Haunting in Salem, 2-Headed Shark Attack, Shark Week,40 Days and Nights and 100 Degrees Below Zero) has penned a few stinkers so let's see how far the sinkhole will take us.
This is Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark.
|Ahh!!! It's NOT Bruce!!!|
This has all the vibes of straight to DVD monster/disaster film of which SyFy has been known for the last 20 years. Released from The Asylum productions our opus opens with a tugboat dragging a large iceberg through a port in Egypt, when all of the sudden!.. the iceberg cracks, shattering open and releasing an ancient megalodon making impossible for fishermen to earn of living as it dominates the seas that several countries put their ports on lockdown and create a ban on fishing to save lives. Yup countries hundreds if not thousands of miles away are doing this that it creates a drag on the planet's economy.
This is the third installment in the Mega Shark series giving the previous films a bit of history and knowledge of those fights of kaiju. The UN is apparently already prepping a prototype submarine to combat the creature that is yes a mecha shark. Cue the Godzilla music.
Piloting our new craft is Jack Turner (Christopher Judge of Stargate SG-1, Andromeda, X-Men: Evolution, Masters of the Universe vs. The Snake Men, Stargate: The Ark of Truth, Stargate: Continuum and Paradox) and Rosie Gray (Elisabeth Rohm of Bull, Angel, Law & Order, Heroes, Lake Placid: The Final Chapter, Aftermath and The Client List) and commanded by Captain Reynolds (Steve Hanks of Island Claws, Hold Your Breath, Jailbait and Listening). Shiny! Reprising her role is Debbie Gibson as esteemed Oceanographer, Dr. Emma McNeil who has become the foremost expert on Megalodons warns the U.S. Navy of the dangers of this creature as it no doubt is searching for a mate and spawning grounds. Channel that Matt Hooper, Debbie!
With the Mecha Shark submarine giving chase, Mega Shark is most vexed by this. Our Sea Quest vessel also has an A.I. onboard with tactical analysis, awareness of its surroundings and how to best to serve their crew and captain. Yes I didn't stutter. An A. I. Program added to our prototype submarine and why not? We broke the goofy meter minutes prior. From a massive shark leaping out of the waters to nail a plane 30,000 feet in the air, Australia having a fishing fleet near Botany Bay and sharks pimp slapping a torpedo away from itself with its tail.
Green screened to death as well as CGI Asylum brings this trilogy to a grinding halt capitalizing on the Godzilla franchise under the sea. There is more cheese than a dairy farm, its campy nature is not meant to be taken seriously...or at least I hope not. So if you have 90 minutes to kill then have at it. Me? I think it gave me a migraine.
|Seagate Soggy Bottoms 1.|