Guillermo del Toro Week!

Well that does seem self-explanatory but some of you may be asking, "Who is Guillermo del Toro and why does he get a week on this blog?"    Simply put Guillermo del Toro is a brilliant writer, director and storyteller.  One of those few individuals that sets his goals and meets them through hard work and diligence worked his way up from makeup assistance to a a TV series in Mexico called Hora Marcada.  It is the warped and wonderful imagination this man is engulfed by that I feel that he should be acknowledged for his stunning genius.

Thus begins....Guillermo del Toro week...

The Quick and the Undead..

OoOo Sam Raimi’s camera work, Sharon Stone and Gene Hackman squaring off with an amazing ensemble cast…er…wait that’s The Quick and the Dead.   Crap.   Oh well, slap leather and draw boys and girls this is The Quick and the Undead.

Spoilers have to shot in the head! 

As we break into our zombie subgenre movie let me be clear.  This is a post-apocalyptic zombie western.  Yeah wrap your brain around that for a few minutes.  85 years after 2006 I guess we had a viral plague swept the lands turning ¾ of the populous into zombies?  The remaining few are mostly contracted bounty hunters dealing with zombies from town to town.  Opening scene is a bit of narrative and limited hammy news reports describing the outbreak.  The government is barely held together with baling wire and spit.  Terrorist factions are claiming for the outbreak.  CDC warning establishes to kill your loved ones with head trauma and burn the body.    This gig looks pretty simple.  Chum the streets, the smell will bring the zombies out, wait in an open area with a lot of ammo, clear head and steady hands. Blam blam blam, job’s done.   Re-establishing Romero’s standing that zombies are flesh eaters, that this is not a difficult prey.  Slow moving and dull witted, they are not MENSA material.   The best of the best bounty hunters (Yeah we can cue that music later if you like) Ryn Baskin (Clint Glenn of Castle, The Flesh Keeper and Battle Force) channels Eastwood’s character from A Fistful of Dollars down to the look, squint and mannerisms.   Hell he even smokes cheroots.  Very much a homage, if you will.  Everything about this movie has a Sergio Leone feel to it.  The wide camera angles, the crane shots and the handheld are superb.  Now the zombie gore effects are no Savini or KNB but pretty effective as a whole.  Admittedly some of the head shots are clearly a combination of high speed cam and CGI touch up but not bad.  After a rather successful hunt of 29 zombies Ryn encounters his former posse led by Blythe Remington (Parrish Randall of the Flesh Keeper, Dark Spaces and Dead of the Knight).  The two have an Indy/Belloq moment for the idol right down to the dialogue.   Shh.  Just pretend you didn’t notice.  Blythe’s crew rips Ryn off and leaves him for dead.  Establishing that humanity is not looking out for one another YET again, the desolate feel of being human in this zombie world makes one feel alone.  

Okay that was a bit too thought provoking.  Let’s go to the hunters’ rules.  (1) Fresh ones die first.  Their muscle tissue is still intact and they can move quicker.  Take the rotting ones later. (2) Always be out in the open.  Distance and a steady aim will drop them but if they outnumber you, run away. (3) Do not run inside and hide.  Eventually your supplies will run out and you need food.  Zombie has no other means of food so it can wait.  Doesn’t need sleep, to pee or get distracted by a shiny object.  Being primarily on the editorial department, Director/Writer Gerald Nott takes his first stab behind the camera with The Quick and the Undead.  This is a bit dialogue driven and a fair amount of action sequences with just that dash of jump scares to be found in a zombie film.  Humanity’s greed overweighing common sense, proof we don’t need the zombies to do us in.  Little bit of Day of the Dead lines adapted for the screenplay but hey I can overlook it.  No Captain Rhodes in this lot lemme tell you.  So if you are looking for Plains Drifter meets Dawn of The Dead than look no further.  Decent camera work, actors actually attempting their own and the storyline is tangible.   I found myself going into this one with no hopes and all and was pleasantly surprised.

Shark Night 3D....yes really.

Ah a festive outing at the salt water lake with a gaggle of teens in search of beer, good times and the possibility of getting laid.  What could ever go wrong you ask?   Well journey with us to Shark Night in 3D.  The director of this opus is none other than David R Ellis.  The man that brought you Final Designation 2, Cellular and Snakes on a Plane.  Oh yes kiddies fasten your safety belts because the non-stop bumpy ride will drift you into unconsciousness.  We have our typical mock up of Jaws murder scene started right away, offering us the notion of a fast sped paced action but in the worlds of the Immortal John Belushi  “BUT NOoOoOOoOOO!!!”   We have to establish dialogue, characters and of course many a dark past.   45 minutes into the movie and you are praying for the sharks to eat you simply out of boredom.  Our illustrious teen gang came across the local yokels after acquiring the liquor and snacks and yes they are the stereotypical characters of hate, racism and spite with just a hint of sorrow to round them out.  Donal Logue of Blade, Ghost Rider and Grounded for Life and Joel David Moore of Bones and Hatchet are the only two actors I recognize so already I know I am in for it.

The dialogue was written up over a drunken weekend.  Our vile villains are so hokey they would be rejected from a comic book and our protagonist is more wooden than the desk I am writing this review on.  The CGI/3D effects are quite often but they are relying on the jump scare cuts to carry the weight of the movie.   Not every horror film can pull off the jump scare effect but of the last 7 years plenty of horror films such as: Saw, Hostel and remakes like the Hills Have Eyes rely on the jump scare cut.  Somehow in this substantial salt water lake a menagerie of sharks of different size and specie has materialized in the area and no one is the wiser to such. 

 With their boat destroyed and a member graphically injured the gang decides they should trust the yokels to get them to safety and a life flight for their maimed buddy.    What a surprise with the yokels they previously squabbled with turn out to be asses and psychos on top of which.  Losing the cast one by one it was my reaction that no one in the audience cared.  I think they were all in silent pray that none of their friends caught them viewing it and they could escape said film with a modicum of dignity intact.

 The plot was weak to say the least.  Characters were so stereotypical and one dimensional no one could be bothered to wonder if they would grow as young adults.  The CGI/3D was slowly hurting this photophobic fellow’s head and I cannot believe there was that much need for Indie band music to combine with NO action at all.  Blaring tunes as we reasonably drive through town at a safe speed!   What the hell?    The other aspect that annoyed I personally was they quarter cranked the film speed and then reversed the effect to go speeding through the town and highway.  I was under the impression when editors and directors did this was similar to an action hero training montage.  Cover emotion and physicality in a short span of time and move on to the next standing.   Not this film, no sir.

  This particular move was done 3 times in the film and I guess it was to drive any epileptic out of the theater or drop them straight into a comatose state.    It makes the 20 minutes of Ben boarding up the windows in Night of the Living Dead feel positively Shakespearean.

Long story  short(Too late) if you need a very slow paced monster movie with less than believable sharks and villains then you have found your Utopia and if in fact you are just looking for complex storylines, meaningful dialogue as well as flushed out characters, tread not these waters me lads and lassies.   There be crap in it and Davy Jones locker is all out of Tidy bowl.

The 6th Day..ah Arnold and sci-fi.

The 6^th Day

Director Roger Spottiswoode of Die Another Day brings us to a timeline that cattle, fish, chickens heck even household pets can be cloned.   The notion of human cloning trials or even experimentation is illegal and forbidden.  Adam Gibson (Arnold Schwarzenegger of Commando, The Terminator, T2) runs a private helicopter piloting service finds out his family dog Oliver has been killed and his friend and partner Hank (Michael Rappaport of Beautiful Girls) tells him he will cover for him.   Adam takes the dog to a firm called Re-pet and hears the sales pitch only to have second thoughts.  He heads back home with a doll for his daughter when he sees through the window, the family dog bouncing around the living room and thinks it is his wife’s doing.  As he approaches the door he then sees a clone of himself celebrating with his family.    Trying to get in his own house to confront the clone he is attacked by Replacement Technologies security team headed by Robert Marshal (Michael Rooker of Henry:Portrait of a Serial Killer and Mallrats) and Talia Eslworth (Sarah Wynter of Species 2 and Lost Souls).    Escaping them narrowly Adam heads to his friend Hank’s apartment.  The two catch up then Hank gets shot by an anti-cloning extremist called Tripp.  He says both Hank and their charter Michael Drucker (Tony Goldwyn of Ghost and American Gun) crashed the helicopter and it this is all secret.   Rather be captured by the Replacement Technologies Security team, Tripp blows his brains out so his memories cannot be retrieved and give away others of his movement. 

Green screen gets a lot of love in this movie.  Sneaking into Drucker’s company (which is no easy feat given how big Arnold is) Adam finds Dr Weir (Robert Duvall of True Grit 1969, The Godfather and Godfather II) the scientist behind the clones explains to Gibson that both Hank and Drucker were killed in a helicopter crash and they had to do a rush clone job to conceal this horrific accident for the sake of the company.   Without Drucker they cannot lobby for human clones for everything from replacing organs to bringing back loved ones.  So a decent story turns clichéd with fights with Schwarzenegger and moral issues with cloning and big business not caring about the little people.   Drucker is thwarted by Gibson and his clone.  Clone Gibson moves to the other end of the planet with a twin company of the charter piloting in Argentina (Don’t cry for him) and Adam returns to his family with a new appreciation of cloning and the knee jerk feeling he had lessened.   Decent writing and good premise went a bit crackers with production.   A potential sci-fi went full blown action with far too many explosions and gunfights.  Schwarzenegger’s character was not a trained paramilitary man.   It was over the top fights and making Arnold once again invincible.   It could be better but it is what it is.   View with caution.

Damn that is a nice car.

Hey all.  Just touching base on a cult following that could only be rivaled by Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its spin-off show Angel.  I refer to those pesky kids, the Winchester boys.  Driving in their father’s ’67 Impala these two very different lads dispense justice for the victims of the monsters that go bump in the night.   So sharpen your stakes, pour your silver bullet molds and above all don’t be a douche nozzle.   This is Supernatural Season 1.

Spoilers are all around us man!

Our pilot opens with a happy prosperous young man Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki of Gilmore Girls, House of Wax and Friday the 13^th) pre-law student, straight A’s and hotty for a girlfriend Jessica (Adrianne Palicki of Lone Star, Legion, Wonder Woman and Red Dawn) and over all life is feeling good.  The two lovebirds have a little celebration nookie and fall asleep (No fellas, this is CW so no skin on that level) when Sam hears a noise in the apartment, goes to investigate and handle the burglar.  After a fairly intense fight choreography we can see Sambo has had some training only to get tossed on his butt by…his little big brother Dean (Jensen Ackles of Dawson’s Creek, Still Life, Smallville, My Bloody Valentine and Batman: Under the Red Hood).   After nursing a few egos and bruises, Dean tells Sam their dad has gone hunting and hasn’t been back in awhile.   Feels all coded in front of girlfriend Jessica.  Reluctantly Sam joins Dean in pursuit of their wayward father because you see folks the family business is hunting…monsters of all shapes and sizes.

Ahh spoiler you say?  You had 8 years!  Catch up!

Now given that John and Jane Public thinks monsters are nothing more than the work of fiction, cinema and tween writers, our would be heroes have to go incognito.  So on top of less than legal firearms, credit card fraud and posing as Federal officers, our lads do battle with the nastiest freakiest creatures this side of Sunnydale.

The storyline unfolds on what could have made these two seemingly normal guys into hunters of the preternatural and extra-dimensional.    22 years prior the boys’ mother died in a mysterious fire and their father, a Marine recon Vietnam vet could not save her in time.   Finds out there are creatures of myth and legend and they are very real.  To keep his boys safe he will instruct them how to survive, fight and win.  From hand to hand combat, firearms and blades these two could probably be dropped on the F.B.I.’s most wanted list if they wanted to go on a killing spree but they remain knight errants and do what they must to spare families the hell that is their lives.

Admittedly I went into this show kicking and screaming foul to preceding shows. Kolchak: the night stalker Poltergeist : The Legacy, Friday the 13^th The Series and X-Files all dealing with the ghosts and ghoulies so I felt yeah YET another less than original idea.  This bleak, dark background story unfolding simultaneously with the current events quickly changed my mind and established this is a dialogue driven story arc as much as it is character based.   A dysfunctional family that shows their breaking points, their flaws and strengths gives scope to the show and guest stars galore.  Only complaint from the man here, not enough reoccurring eye candy for hetro boys.  

Blade Trinity: Drac is Back...

Hey kids back again with another comic book movie and I can tell how much you will be thrilled and overwhelmed with joy as I crack open the shell of this flick.  So grab your silver nitrate and garlic and practice your most menacing glare.  This is Blade Trinity.

Spoilers are born ready, mother*&ker!

Yes I am touching base with creation of writer/director/producer David Goyer (Batman Begins, Blade, Blade II, The Dark Knight, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance and The Dark Knight Rises) who felt while by Stephen Norrington (Alien 3, Blade and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) and Guillermo del Toro (Kronos, Devil’s Backbone, Blade II, Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy 2: The Golden Army) did what he described as a fair job with his scripts, Goyer felt that something was missing from each of the predecessors and took it upon himself to finish the trilogy.   I am not saying the outcome is pure Ed Wood but…well here are some highlights.

Keeping with the comic book anti-hero theme based on Marv Wolfman’s character, Blade is up to his usual shenanigans i.e. lack of stealth.   Guy would not know subtle if it crept up on him and bit him in the ass.  Our story opens in the Syrian Desert allegedly just before Iraq lies the Tomb of Dracula (Boy that would make a great title for a comic) and about 5 low level vamps unearth him and convince him to do away Blade (Wesley Snipes of Passenger 57, Demolition Man, Blade, Blade II, and The Art of War) who half way around the world is torching a warehouse, laying to waste the undead and sneering all the way he does it.  Man I do dig the coat though.  This of course leads to a high speed chase in what looks like the FDR tunnel but in actuality are the tunnels of Montreal.  Yes Canada, imitating the U.S. since 1920 Prohibition.  From bikes to the ’68 Charger our beloved daywalker streaks the road with ash ridden corpses and one accidental human death as he realizes he was framed for manslaughter.   Whoops, his goof.  Sending the F.B.I. to his doorstep Blade and Whistler are attacked and Whistler (Kris Kristofferson of Convoy, A Star is Born, Knights, Blade and Blade II)is caught in his own self destruct blast leaving Blade captured by the feds.   Left to the vampires pulling the strings behind the humans, Blade looks finished but is in fact saved by a cell of vampire hunters, Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds of Van Wilder, Foolproof, Smokin’ Aces and X-Men Origins: Wolverine) and Abigail Whistler (Jessica Biel of Seventh Heaven, Summer Catch, Celluar, Stealth, and The A-Team). 

 Dracula a.k.a. Drake (Dominic Purcell of Mission: Impossible II, Equilibrium and Prison Break) decides his children of the night got soft, lazy and foolish and decides to embrace the challenge that is the daywalker.  Goyer establishes Dracula as the Adam of Vampires the very source but goes back to the Babylonian timelines linking him to Lovercraft elder gods such as Dagon.   An interesting spin but nevertheless the hardcore Marvel fans have issues with this one more so than the first two and here are some of those reasons:  Hannibal King in the comics was an undead P.I.  Think Mick St. John from Moonlight.  Yes, a vampire trying to hold onto humanity by still beating the pavement playing shamus without relying on vampire traits too much.   Tomb of Dracula issues also state Dracula was Vlad Tempus made vampire and not the progenitor but because he held the title “Lord of the Vampires” from his predecessor he can shape shift, come back from ash and even tango with ease.   While I felt Reynold’s one liners were getting a bit tiresome and Snipes really needed to smile every now and then it wasn’t a bad flick.  Just think it could have used a bit more meshing from the previous source material.

Big Tits Zombie...I know what you are thinking..

Hey all, back with YET another zombie film.  Maybe this one will have its own unique spin.  Instead of that tired lumbering zombie of Romero years, this will be mildly intelligent and sentient flesh eaters.  Doomed to roam a world where no one understands their plight, hopes and dreams.   So grab your clear heels, draw up your g-string and prepare of swirling and twirling.  This is Jugs &Ghouls…er…I mean Big Tits Zombie.

Spoilers dig strippers…it’s true…look it up.

Soft core pornographer/writer Takao Nakano (Sumo Vixen, Sexual Parasite and Hot Step Jump!) decided to branch out in his…particular genre of horror eroticism and delve into the realm of zombies.  Now you Nakano fans must be asking, “But Jake how will he achieve the proper exploitation of actresses and insure us nudity?”   Well as luck would have it he makes the girls fending off the legions of the undead, strippers.   Yeah breaking some new unfettered ground there let me tell you.  This manga (Japanese comic book for those of you not in the knowing) influenced film was based on Rei Mikamoto’s Kyonyu-Dragon.   Our story opens with a barely dressed stripper lightly dribbled with blood.  I think it must have been a pen cap full sprinkled on.   As she attempts to clean her ample cleavage off, three shambling ghouls appear with patented Walking Dead moans.  Another girl with a cowgirl outfit and chainsaw, Lena (Adult actress Sola Aoi) splits one down the middle in true Tokyo Gore Police fashion with blood sprinklers at the ready.  She proceeds to have technical difficulties but her friend got her second wind, proceeds to go sickhouse on the lot with a katana.   Joining back in the fray, Lena goes back to back with Ginko (Risa Kasumi of Tokyo Girls 2: Supervixens and Subete no onna ni uso ga aru)

A few technical critiques I have offhand.  The feel of the film is to give the implied Grindhouse standing.  Lower budget and grainy film stock to give it that patented 1960’s exploitation feel and overall it is decent but the combo of CGI blood splatter, squibbed gel blood packs as well as the more viscous sprays with a under cranked fast paced film may be a bit hard on the photophobic eyes.   Takano is really going for the live anime standing so that means absurd violence, twisting the laws of gravity and physics with a dash of what the hell.   Lucky me I got to endure the 3D version and yes we are talking old school red and blue glasses rather than your polarized version of current.  Migraine sufferers you may want to skip this film but of course the title didn’t shoo you away I guess you deserve your fate.

This is ridiculous violence, caricatures of working girls and an amusing narrative through this bloodbath.  Mindless hack and slash for all to enjoy and yes boys ample amounts of nudity so you are fully covered. So have at it folks.  I’m going to crack up a Doctor Who book.