Dismember December: One Hell of a Christmas

Merry Christmas to the readers for Day 5 of Dismember December! Welp, we have had some clever flicks, some shoddy creations and somethings best left in the Wal-Mart bargain bin and then...we have this moving pictures magic. Plugged by Fangoria magazine, Fangoria Films keeps churning out creations that would make plethora of demons upchuck. I have endured three Fangoria flicks: School's Out, Dead Creatures and Eternal Blood and all were deeply disappointing. Will this be the exception? This is One Hell of a Christmas.

Christmas strumpets!!! Yay!!!

Writer/director Shaky Gonzalez (Nattens engel, Kokken, Emergency Release, Pistoleros and The Last Demon Slayer) brought us a low budget mass conglomerate of horror movie cliches and even greater dramatic film cliches all in one film. Yippee?? Our main protagonist Carlitos (Tolo Montana of One Hell of a Christmas, Kokken and What's Wrong with This Picture) spent two years in the jug just got released and he sounds like a bargin basement of Al Pacino via Scarface or possibly Carlito's Way who is thinking of re-establishing his fractured relationship with his son and ex-wife. He runs into his old buddy Mike (Thure Lindhardt of Into the Wild, Flame and Citron, Angels & Demons, The Borgias, Fast & Furious 6 and The Bridge) who seems to be channeling Jason Mewes got his hands on this uber-McGuffin talisman that is supposed to give the owner incredible powers thanks to the power of exposition.

So are we less than the Gecko Brothers or Cheech & Chong?

Rather allowing his buddy make the mistake of pursuing his family, Mike drags Carlitos off for hookers and drugs because...it's Christmas time?? Mike rips off a drug pusher for some money and this funky claw necklace, only to find out it give you the power of green screen as bullets pass through you, enhances your strength and make you grimace in a ridiculous fashion from (steady yourself) producing a magical cocaine. The talisman is actually a claw from Satan himself and has a guardian of such, hell bent (GET IT!!??) to laying claim back to it, and body swaps to get to both Mike and Carlitos to dispense justice or vengeance or whatever else this schlock written pile of puppy poop is establishing. The possessed remind me of the original Evil Dead in the way they yell and move and that was intriguing but that is all.

Ordinarily I do not jump on low budget horror as I have enjoyed a few but...creates decent gore gags but the demonic entity possessed people look pretty shoddy in the make-up department. The prosthetics looks like something you would see at a haunted house and the lighting was less than satisfactory. With the camera angles similar to Robert Rodrigez with steady cam, a bit of dolly and some crane or off of building shots, it makes it interesting but does not improve the story.

With a script that feels like borrowed elements of Peter Jackson's Dead Alive, Evil Dead and a hint of Desperado, the cliches start stacking up like cord wood. Not the worst film I have endured but certain one of the worst Christmas horror themed. Move long folks, nothing to see here.

Yeesh, with looks like that, I hope he got a discount.

Dismember December: Christmas Evil

Welcome back carolers for Day 4 of Dismember December and as luck would have it we have us an also known as title. Precursor to Silent Night, Deadly Night our original title is You Better Watch Out, a lesser known flick compared to the upheaval that was Silent Night, Deadly Night. Oddly enough a lunatic goes on a rampage of murder and mayhem while dressed as Santa. This is Christmas Evil a.k.a. Terror in Toyland a.k.a. You Better Watch Out.

Look kids!  Santa's naughty now!

Directed by Lewis Jackson (The Deviates, The Transformation: A Sandwich of Nightmares, Christmas Evil), a fan favorite of the infamous John Waters (Pink Flamingos, Female Trouble, Desperate Living, Hairspray, Cry-Baby, Serial Mom, Pecker and A Dirty Shame) our film opens with a lovely trip to suburbia (shudder) during the year 1947 as young Harry sees his mother being felt up by Santa a.k.a. His dad in a suit and with that the lad is heartbroken. 33 years later, Harry (Brandon Maggart of Purlie, The World According to Garp, Jennifer Slept Here, Chicken Soup, Dream Date and The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.) is working a assembly position at the Jolly Dreams toy factory but at home...well Harry sees himself as the next tride and true Santa (THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!), with his apartment decked out in lights, ornaments and various toys, "Santa" watches on the neighborhood children from the roof of his building...with binoculars...like a creeper and even keeps a journal of naughty and nice kids.

Another eye gouge?? Must be Fulchi's fault.

Harry realizes that several of the assembly workers have been treating him like some dumb schmuck and taking advantage of him for ages. Seeing his co-worker Frank (Joe Jamrog of Christmas Evil, Blue Steel, The Fisher King and United 93) in a bar when he was supposedly sick making Harry fill-in for him teeters him from the realms of safe and sane. To make matters worse, Harry's own brother Phil (Jeffery DeMunn of The X-Files, The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, The Mist, The Walking Dead and Mob City) cancels Thanksgiving dinner on him at the last minute. Harry has left this grounded world and is convinced he is Santa and proceeds to dish out...Christmas justice??!!! A few rounds of breaking and entering, he smashes his nephews' toys and replaces them with handmade ones.

Harry takes out three preppies with an axe and... I am not certain if I should feel bad or imagine them as hipsters being vanquished instead. Really hate hipsters. Frank and his buddy George witness the murders as the Santa flees. Tension rises at Phil's household in which he is concerned about Harry and wondering if he is doing alright.

Will Harry carve out a new Christmas tradition? Will there be anyone left alive in Jersey? Will anyone notice Jersey devoid of people?

A few points I would like to make now. The cinematography of this low budget slasher is AWESOME! Shot with Panaflex in 35mm spherical it really gives it a good vibe in spite of being in mono via sound. Falling under Britian's Video Nasty Ban list, our movie an hour and 40 minutes but was deemed too gory to be edited down to 95 mines instead. I saw the hour and 40 so I guess some nudity and a couple of close-up zoom hatchet scenes were yanked.

I am perplexed by what I saw. On one hand, Santa is murdering a fair amount of people, but he delivered toys to kids in the hospital. This whole film seems to document a life that was scarred at an early age and attempted to muddle through it as best as possible. Attention slasher fans, the body count and death scenes are not over the top and not a large amount of them. What this film depicts is about a man's mental and emotional mindset ebbing away and no one seems to care.

I loved the police line up of Santas and the fact I recognized character actor Jeffrey DeMunn or Dale from Walking Dead and a very young Patrica Richardson (Jill from Home Improvement and Sheila Brooks from The West Wing). Not so much a psychological thriller but it was quirky, odd and kind of fun.

Holiday shopping can be murder,right?

Dismember December: To All a Goodnight

Ho, ho, ho and a Merry Dismember December Day 3! Well it's that time of year where Christmas break happens throughout the education system and Calvin Finishing School for Girls is no exception to the rule. A gaggle of the jiggly girls have their hearts set on a party while the president of the school is away. Oh of course there will be boys there so they can all pair off and couple up but what if... an insane psychotic happens to be roaming about? For that matter, what if this potential psycho is dressed as Santa?  This is To All a Goodnight.

Yeah they're real. Touch them if you don't believe us.

Director to our little tale is none other than exploitation actor David Hess (The Last House on the Left, Hitch Hike, Avalanche Express, House on the Edge of the Park. Swamp Thing, White Star adn Body County) serving us up a Christmas tale to be told around the fireplace written by Alex Rebar (Beyond the Door, To All a Goodnight, Demented and Nowhere to Hide). It seems two years prior at this very finishing school a sorority girl was killed by accident due to a dumb prank (Which if proof was needed, skip pranks horror film universes... it will all end in tears and blood!).

So cast aside your season's greetings as the first ever Killer Santa movie is born! Oh yes, a full four years prior to Silent Night, Deadly Night, our story shows our collective of girls, Nancy (Jennifer Runyon of Another World, Up the Creek, Ghostbusters, Killing Streets, Carnosaur and Silent Night, Deadly Night 2: Revival) wants to have fun with her girls and this promise of men at the ready even if she is still not sure about going all the way. Tee hee. Low and behold several of the party goers seem to be missing or gasp...DEAD!  Phoning the police is a logical choice...so is vacating the premises but that is thinking too far ahead. All we know for certain that someone in a Santa suit is checking his list and putting people and the end list. Oh the cops get a red herring of course with Ralph the peeper gardener, which is no Crazy Ralph so get him the hell out of here!

Got something in your eye.. Oh yeah, my knife.

Will the girls get out alive? Is Santa putting them on the permanent naughty list? Will there ever be a horror movie that makes cops competent?

Our location for the sorority house is actually a mansion and according to the late director, it belonged to a drug kingpin in Santa Barbara. What else can I say about this flick? The lighting is crappy rather than moody, the dialogue is kind of flat but there are some interesting death scenes and numerous pans of Santa killer's legs going up and down stairs that I just thought the camera man really liked his ass. Our film tries for moody and suspenseful but it is difficult for me to take it seriously when well-known porn actor Harry Reems is in the cast. Yeah,the male lead in Devil in Miss Jones and Deep Throat doesn't really make me think, "Oh yeah, this guy would be perfect for my slasher movie."

With 70 gees for budget and 35mm Arriflex Cameras at the work, I could have done with out the fish eye lens for flash-backing. That just kills my eyes and really distorts your movie overall.

Judith Bridges and Linda Gentile did live up to their nude obligations in the film and all the sexist piggies that watch these flicks primarily for that will not be disappointed (Sorry ladies, but every so often I do have to acknowledge other readers). 

Murders? Fuhgeddaboudit!

Dismember December: Elves

Season's greetings for a hearty helping of Day 2 of Dismember December. Say...what screams out Christmas to you? If it is foul-mouthed children, Dan Haggarty minus his grizzly, moody Germans and a vengeful albino elf, than you are definitely in luck. This is Elves.

Wow, those effects are worthy of Ghoulies.

A gaggle of teenagers head into the deep woods (cue Joe Doluca music via Evil Dead) Kristen (Julie Austin of Fatal Exposure, Twisted Justice, Night of the Wilding, Smoothtalker and Extreme Justice) and her ditzy friends attempt some weird ritual against Christmas when Kristen cuts her hand conveniently raising a spawn of Hell that looks like an hairless albino troll that is supposed to be an elf.. Yup it is gonna be one of those movies.

Breaking curfew to be with her friends at which looks like 8 o' clock at night, Kristen gets greeted by a couple of slaps from Grandpa (Borah Silver of Blue Collar, The Gambler, Escape from New York, S.O.B. And Elves) for laying her hands on his FORBIDDEN BOOKS and any potential lie she may have. Mom (Deanna Lund of Land of the Giants, General Hospital, One Day to Live and Hardly Working) is a definite bitch. Sorry to lose my PG-13 mentality but that is all I have gotten from this cow. If she has occasional warmth, I am pretty certain it was fart residue.

Down and out hobo/former cop Mike McGavin (Dan Haggerty of The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams, Spirit of the Eagle, Soldier's Fortune, The Little Patriot, Grizzly Mountain, Born Champion, Puss in Boots and Escape to Grizzly Mountain) needs work badly and ends up being second choice as a mall Santa..given the other one was murdered and was probably a cat hair away from being a pedophile and serial molester... Did I mention Merry Christmas?

So in conclusion, Nutzis is the craziest peoples.

Mike's cop instincts kick in as he tries a different approach to the murder and thinks who or whatever did this, is nearby the store given the murderer snuck in and out without anyone the wiser. Kristen and friends apparently are hooking up with some boys for sex games and hey who wouldn't want to get freaky in a department store with less than clean floors. Mike crashes on a cot in former crime scene trying to figure out this symbol from a Dummy's Guide to the Occult.

Disgruntled German Grandpa gets visited fellow angry Germans that confer that after one murder of a suspected pedophile that some ancient pact made with the Elves has come to light and need to claim Kristen to further some diabolical pact in padding the film. I had to wait for 30 minutes for anything to happen after the first murder when the Germans get into a gunfight with Mike and the Elf pops in and out of scene. My guess is the practical effects guys were having a hard time moving the beastie around.

So what do we get out of this movie? Nazis, a demonic elf, dead jiggly girls and the most dysfunctional family I have had to displeasure to watch. Too many spoilers to be had and I wouldn't deprive you all of this brilliant .357 Magnum opus of a film. . Ranking in an hour and 38 minutes this horror film somehow got a PG-13 rating with its nudity, violence and enough F-bombs dropped by a 12 year old, I am confused. Yeah this was a turd in a punch bowl at a pretigous party. Skip it.

Oh no sir, I am most certainly not Oliver Platt.

Dismember December: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 5: The Toy Maker

Season's greetings for Day 1 of Dismember December. A quick note on the weekly title. A dissatissfied reader called all the horror films of last year as horrific and wrong to be reviewed during this time of year. That being said, I now take a gander at the last of the unofficial sequels for Silent Night, Deadly Night. As it has been fairly clear to anyone having the self-loathing to watch anything past the first film, they would note the Killer Santa story arc had ended at Part 3 with Bill Mosley replacing Eric Freeman as Ricky, the second Killer Santa and little brother to Billy. So how does this film differ from those films and even the 4^th?    Howzabout killer toys, evil robots and maybe a twisted toy maker? This is Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 5: The Toy Maker.

Grrr!!!

A young boy Derek (William Thorne of Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker and Demonic Toys) heard the doorbell ringing and ran down the stairs to find a Christmas present on the front porch, His dad Tom (Van Quattro of Sweethearts, End of Days, Fight Club, Altarcation, Time Line Inc., Biohazard: Patient Zero and Big Yellow A-Hole) chastises the boy for answering the door at this hour and still being up. Tom opens the present to see a strange musical sphere (PHANTASM ALERT!!!) that suddenly fires cords around his neck strangling him causing him to fall on the fireplace poker leaving him impaled. Um happy holidays, Derek?

When I was your age, a rocket was all you needed for fun!!!

Two weeks later Sarah (Jane Higginson of Slaughterhouse, Danger Zone II: Reaper's Revenge, Object of Obsession, The Silencers and The Indian), Derek's mom thinks a visit to a toy shop might be just the ticket to help lift his spirits...yeah because that makes it all better. Joe Petto (GET IT??!!) played by Mickey Rooney shows off the wacky creations of his shop which actually creeps Derek more so as Joe's son Pino (Brian Bremer of Pumpkinhead, Society, Dead Birds and Why Did I Get Married?) acts strange or erratic so both Sarah and Derek retreated.

Pino breaks into their house and claims a feeling of closeness to them and you can imagine the need for a firearm or chainsaw. Joe trailed Pino and apologized for Pino in the hopes to avoid the police. Sarah later discovers that there is more than a few accusations that the neighborhood placed on Joe as a major creeper.

With that in mind, the story has some weird obsession with Derek, we receive a couple of cameos from the fourth movie Initiation with Nieth Hunter reprise of Kim and Clint Howard playing creeper Ricky which is no association with the previous character of 2 and 3. Do they seem necessary? Big bag of nope because they don't really bring anything to the film. Also two sex scenes were clearly vital no doubt. One drawn out to the level of annoyance and a quickie that added to the essence of the film.

So how do you rank this film? The killer toy motif has been done quite often but it wasn't the vicious turd it has been reference and there is enough mystery to make you wonder what the hell is going on. Shockingly enough though I still wouldn't let young ones gawk at this one either. 

Beats a lesbian Wicca cult, burrowing worms and Clint Howard I suppose.

Dismember December

Howdy folks. Let me start off by apologizing for last week's finite amount of write-ups. The weather has brought the migraine fairy to visit and well it was a wee bit difficult to contend with. This week I am hoping it shan't follow last week at all. This week we are looking at horror in Christmas again. Last year I got a fair degree of snark for doing such and well... let's just say I didn't appreciate it and should be able to view and review whatever I bloody well want to.

Kid, you pee on my lap again and I am giving you coal!

So Horror is constantly sneered at and Holiday themed horror is certainly no exception. Certain films like the original Halloween and original Black Christmas have been beloved by many so with that in mind, I thought I would just start sifting through some of the lesser known titles and even more than a few sequels of less notoriety. Should make for some interesting reading for you all and that is primarily why I do what I do.

So we will enjoy the week known as Dismember December. Yes it was tasteless and tacky but so is a lot of Christmas PR so why not have some fun with the holly jolly season?

Happy Holidays from Bill Goldberg!!!

Favorite Deep Space Nine Episodes: Blood Oath

Welcome back space travelers for Day 2 of Favorite Deep Space Nine Episodes and I feel this one in particular will be appreciate by all Original Series fans. Beginning Episode 19 of Season 2, carrying on with her duties Lt. Dax (Terry Farrell) hears about a drunken Klingon threatening to disembowel Quark while singing Klingon songs of victory and enjoying a holo-suite program of the Battle of Klach D'Kel Brakt, a legendary battle and victory over the Romulans almost a hundred years ago.

Koloth suffers no fools.

With a quick check down at the brig, Dax sees Curzon's old friend, Dahar Master Kor (John Colicos of Anne of the Thousand Days, Raid on Rommel, The Changeling, The Postman Always Rings Twice and Battlestar Galactica) drunk as a skunk and attempting to sober up. From Kor Dax finds out that the blood oath that Curzon swore is finally coming to light.

Nearly 80 years have passed and Kor's fellow Dahar Masters Kang (Michael Ansara of Broken Arrow, Law of the Plainsman, Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends, Rambo, Assassination, Babylon 5, Batman: The Animated Series and The Long Road Home) and Koloth (William Campbell of Star Trek, Black Gunn, Emergency!, Adam-12, The Streets of San Francisco and Star Trek: Judgement Rites) shapen their blades and prepare for glorious battle and revenge for the death of their first born sons. A bandit and murderer known as The Albino (Bill Bolender of Brooklyn South, The Commissioner, JAG, The Magnificent Seven, Surface and Desperate Housewives) swore revenge on the sons of the commanding captains of three Klingon battle cruisers, as he had each first born son poisoned on a genetic level.

So then he says, "Hoover?  I don't even know her."

Kang and Koloth mourn the loss of their fallen comrade Curzon in their own way and feel that Jadzia has no place with them in their revenge but Jadzia feels otherwise as each of these men were in her previous life and much is owed to these men of valor and honor.

As these legendary and honored heroes of the Empire plot and scheme, Dax must wonder if the blood oath applies to Jadzia Dax as well as it did to Curzon Dax. Should a new host take on the obligations, duties and unfinished business of the previous host?

All three of our Dahar Masters(Legendary Warrior Status among Klingons) apprised their Original Series roles as Michael Ansara as Kang from Day of the Dove, William Campbell as Koloth in The Trouble with Tribbles and John Colicos as Kor from Errand of Mercy. Interestingly enough, William Campbell played two different characters on Star Trek as Kor and Trelane of The Squire of Gothos. Michael Ansara's voice acting is also an easy spot asGeneral Warhawk from the Rambo cartoon and Mr. Freeze of Batman: The Animated Series.

This workout is killer on the calves.