Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Dismember December: Elves

Season's greetings for a hearty helping of Day 2 of Dismember December. Say...what screams out Christmas to you? If it is foul-mouthed children, Dan Haggarty minus his grizzly, moody Germans and a vengeful albino elf, than you are definitely in luck. This is Elves.

Wow, those effects are worthy of Ghoulies.

A gaggle of teenagers head into the deep woods (cue Joe Doluca music via Evil Dead) Kristen (Julie Austin of Fatal Exposure, Twisted Justice, Night of the Wilding, Smoothtalker and Extreme Justice) and her ditzy friends attempt some weird ritual against Christmas when Kristen cuts her hand conveniently raising a spawn of Hell that looks like an hairless albino troll that is supposed to be an elf.. Yup it is gonna be one of those movies.

Breaking curfew to be with her friends at which looks like 8 o' clock at night, Kristen gets greeted by a couple of slaps from Grandpa (Borah Silver of Blue Collar, The Gambler, Escape from New York, S.O.B. And Elves) for laying her hands on his FORBIDDEN BOOKS and any potential lie she may have. Mom (Deanna Lund of Land of the Giants, General Hospital, One Day to Live and Hardly Working) is a definite bitch. Sorry to lose my PG-13 mentality but that is all I have gotten from this cow. If she has occasional warmth, I am pretty certain it was fart residue.

Down and out hobo/former cop Mike McGavin (Dan Haggerty of The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams, Spirit of the Eagle, Soldier's Fortune, The Little Patriot, Grizzly Mountain, Born Champion, Puss in Boots and Escape to Grizzly Mountain) needs work badly and ends up being second choice as a mall Santa..given the other one was murdered and was probably a cat hair away from being a pedophile and serial molester... Did I mention Merry Christmas?

So in conclusion, Nutzis is the craziest peoples.

Mike's cop instincts kick in as he tries a different approach to the murder and thinks who or whatever did this, is nearby the store given the murderer snuck in and out without anyone the wiser. Kristen and friends apparently are hooking up with some boys for sex games and hey who wouldn't want to get freaky in a department store with less than clean floors. Mike crashes on a cot in former crime scene trying to figure out this symbol from a Dummy's Guide to the Occult.

Disgruntled German Grandpa gets visited fellow angry Germans that confer that after one murder of a suspected pedophile that some ancient pact made with the Elves has come to light and need to claim Kristen to further some diabolical pact in padding the film. I had to wait for 30 minutes for anything to happen after the first murder when the Germans get into a gunfight with Mike and the Elf pops in and out of scene. My guess is the practical effects guys were having a hard time moving the beastie around.

So what do we get out of this movie? Nazis, a demonic elf, dead jiggly girls and the most dysfunctional family I have had to displeasure to watch. Too many spoilers to be had and I wouldn't deprive you all of this brilliant .357 Magnum opus of a film. . Ranking in an hour and 38 minutes this horror film somehow got a PG-13 rating with its nudity, violence and enough F-bombs dropped by a 12 year old, I am confused. Yeah this was a turd in a punch bowl at a pretigous party. Skip it.

Oh no sir, I am most certainly not Oliver Platt.