Schwarzenegger Week: The Running Man

Day 3 of Schwarzenegger Week is here!  Are you folks tired of over-the-top acting and ridiculous violence??!!  No?  Well then it is time we look to the future of law enforcement, crime and punishment.  With overpopulation, a lack of jobs and healthcare how do we give the people what they want?  How about an old Roman classic with a gladiatorial fight to the death?  This is The Running Man.

Survey says, " LET'S PLAY THE RUNNING MAN!"

Ben Richards: I told Killian I would be back.  I don't want to be a spoiler.








The year is 2017 and the global economy has completely collapsed leaving countries to fend for themselves as America as you knew it is now a police state censoring all forms of media and activity.  To keep the populace pacified a series of TV shows are at the ready to remove convicts from our gene pool in daily game shows.   The most popular is The Running Man hosted by Damon Killian (Richard Dawson of The Devil's Brigade, Hogan's Heroes, Love, American Style, Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In and Hong Kong Phooey) and boy has he handed a whopper of a contestant.  Former police pilot Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger of  The Streets of San Francisco, Scavenger Hunt, Conan the Destroyer, Commando, Predator and Total Recall) flew overhead of a food riot in Bakersfield, his superior instructs him to mow them down and he refuses. His own men jump and bind him while cutting civilians down.

Yeesh, Sub-Zero really let himself go.

Framed for their deaths and stuck in a labor camp he makes a jail break with his inmate friends tough guy Laughlin (Yaphet Kotto of Live and Let Die, Roots, Alien, Othello, For Love and Honor and Homicide: Life on the Street) and tech geek Weiss (Marvin J. McIntyre of Short Circuit, Project X, The Presido, Twins and Back to the Future Part III).  The three part ways when Richards says he just wants to live the quiet life and hang out with his brother.  He discovers his brother's apartment has been re-leased to another tenant Amber Mendez (Maria Conchita Alonso of Moscow on the Hudson, Fear City, Blood Ties, Colors, Vampire's Kiss, Predator 2 and Roosters) and she knows him to be a mad dog killer of women and children. Amber alerts (tee hee) the police and security to capture Richards and Killian gets our boy for the show.  Will Richards race to the finish or will he just be dead meat on the side of the road?

Some fun trivia about the film at this time.  The novel, The Running Man written by novelist Stephen King of which the movie is very loosely based on was written in about 72 hours.  

Arnold's campaign bus was titled running man for Governor.  Supporting character of the Resistance consisted of Mick Fleetwood of Fleetwood Mac and Rocker Frank Zappa's son Dweezil both wanting to check out Arnold and be in an action flick.

It is said that the inspiration for American Gladiators came from this movie and not a history book.  Hell at least they didn't channel either concept's lethal obstacles.  

Need a painful pun?

Sci-fi of the 1950's Week: The Day the Earth Stood Still

Howdy all and as promised we begin our late week with a 1951 Sci-fi classic brought to us from the pulp Sci-fi novelist Harry Bates (Farewell to the Master, Space Hawk: The Greatest of Interplanetary Adventurers, Hawk Carse, The Affair of the Brains, The Bluff of the Hawk and The Passing of Ku Sui) this humble black and white mono recorded number about a humanoid visitor from another world bringing with him a large and powerful robot and a message for all mankind.  So prep the Army, check your weapons and vehicles and by all means shoot profusely at the unknown.  This is The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Wow Gort, they drop some clams on this set, huh?

Klaatu: You must go to Spoiler. You must then recite these three words. Klaatu barada nikto.

A flying saucer lazily approaches the Earth and eventually lands in Washington, D.C.  Naturally the US military completely encamp around it awaiting any sign of life and/or trouble.  A hatch and gangplank opens from the ship and a tall humanoid name of Klaatu (Michael Rennie of The Robe, The Third Man, The Lost World, Lost in Space and The Time Tunnel) exits the craft announcing that he comes in peace, but as he just jets down from the gangway he draws a small cylinder from his side which a twitchy soldier mistakes for a weapon and shoots him.  Yeah we are off to a fine start of intergalactic representation.   Without any warning a large robot name of Gort (7’7” Lock Martin of Lost in a Harem, Lady on a Train, Off Limits, Invaders from Mars and The Snow Creature) pops out of the ship and proceeds to disintegrate every weapon around him with a ray of awesome power from his head visor Cyclops style. 

Optic blast...fire.

Klaatu gets him to cease the destruction and goes on to explain the device he held would allow the President to see other worlds; a sort of an inter-dimensional View Master full of wibbly wobbly timey-wimey stuff.      

Rushed to the hospital he floors the Army medical by applying some healing salve that heals the wound instantly while the Army attempts to get inside his spaceship to no doubt reverse engineer the thing.  So blasting the guy wasn’t insult enough they now move on to the lesser crime of breaking and entering.   

After escaping military personnel, Klaatu snags a suit and calls himself Mr. Carpenter to better blend in and learn of this primitive backwater world that still think atomic power is a neat idea.  Staying at a boarding house under this alias he befriends the residents and listens with great interest on his fellow boarders’ opinions of why the alien is here on Earth. 

From petty fear to typical kneejerk reactions to the unknown, Klaatu is then attacked by the Army yet again as he flees off world stopping his servitor from killing the lot of them and leaves the assembled scientists with these thoughts how the penchant of humanity’s blood lust, harnessing the power of the atom and the exploration of space that the Earth will be viewed as savages of the cosmos and to tread carefully for it could very well mean the end for the planet.

From the paranoia of the Americans only six years after World War II and the Cold War coming to affect; this really is an excellent example of human behavior large and small.  Showing the military’s standing on zero tolerance to the innocence of a small boy befriending a total stranger, director Ray Wise (The Body Snatcher, Born to Kill, The Haunting, The Andromeda Strain and The Hindenberg) and crew go the message across that the jumping to conclusions without clear thinking or rational behavior could lead to devastating consequences. 

No Helen, Scientology is complete and utter crap. 

MST3K Week: Soultaker

Welcome ladies and gents back to the end of MST3K Week and I felt it was fitting and fair to have not only Mike and guest starring both Joel Robinson and TV’s Frank return for the fold.   Impossible you say?  All things are feasible in the kooky world of sci-fi comedy.  Grab yerselves a sodey pop, snag some popcorn and get comfy.  This is Soultaker.

So bacon doesn't fix out everything?

Is it every a time for spoilers to rock?

Ambitious writer/director/actress Vivian Schilling (Prison Ship, Terror Eyes, Project Eliminator and The Legend of Wolf Mountain) tried her gosh darnest to bring us a quality horror movie with dramatic undertones and a love interest story that would span the test of time.   Instead we got Soultaker, an amalgamation of gibberish, at least two B movie actors and an Estevez you do NOT recognize at all.  

As this is Season 10 in MST3K and the very first episode of the year our Best Brains Production came up with the wacky idea that a vessel that has travelled through parallel dimensions, foreign planets and different timelines just might…break down?   Say it ain’t so!  The Satellite of Love is still in her prime I tells ya!   

When it becomes apparent that Mike could not patch a relay let alone find his hinder with a flashlight and a GPS, They turn to Pearl for help.   As predicted Pearl could care less if their orbit decays and the crew roasts like suckling pigs at a redneck jamboree. 

Dream maker!! Oh wait it's Joe Estevez.  Thought it was Martin.

Enduring our overtly dramatic tale of an angel of death siphoning souls to Heaven or Hell, we find that our lead heroine and resident soul sucker might have very well been lovers…in another lifetime.  *Cues Dark Shadow incidental music*

Alas Soulsucker is thwarted by our plucky heroine and her Stamos wannabe boyfriend as they race across town, souls separated from their bodies in a desperate attempt return to the mortal plane.   Will they make it in time?  Will true love prevail?   Will Stamos wannabe run out of his nancy boy hair gel?

Yeah yea I am gonna poke fun at the film now.   Actually I love the host segments of the show.  Getting to see Joel and Frank again even for a short span of time was a great kick.   The end credits of this film Tom and Crow are just vicious to the film as they describe the never-ending torment of Stamos wannabe’s bleak existence and each turn of the page just makes him a horrendous shallow shell of himself.    They slowly snip and snipe at this poor lad and berate him to no end and Mike starts snickering through some of it.

Geez looks like a beanbag with eyes and a mullet.

Led Zeppelin was wrong man.  There is no stairway to Heaven!   Does that mean Sabbath was wrong too, bro?  Yeah it was long winded, confusing, disturbing and a bit out there but by no means was it entertaining nor thought provoking.   Mike and the bots cup your hand gently and give you a reassuring pat to tell you yes it is horrible but we have jokes to soothe your psyche.

MST3K Week: Sidehackers

Welcome back again sport fans and boy oh boy do I have a dumb movie in need of quips, comments and snotty remarks.  Heading into MST3K Week I thought I would force you to digest an exploitation film involving a ridiculous sport of a two man motorcycle team ripping around a dirt track like a modern day chariot race.    Oh who am I kidding?  The Mads bring the hurt with this Ross Hagen movie that will leave you with some many WTF moments you will cherish Easy Rider by comparison.   And with that in play it is time to watch Sidehackers (Five the Hard Way)

 

He's taking Franks' brain!  Get em!!

Rommel? Oh you magnificent spoiler, I’ve read your book.

Our “film” revolves around mechanic/sidehacker Rommel (Ross Hagen of Hellcats, Angels’ Wild Women, Wonder Women, Night Creature and Dinosaur Island).  When he is not rolling in the fields with his girl Rita (Diane McBain of Burke’s Law, Batman, The Man from U.N.C.L.E.,  and Maryjane) he is honing his skills as a sidehacker balancing a bike with his body weight on a side car as the bike rips around dug up tracks.   He meets up with a bike circuit entertainer name of J.C. (Michael Pataki Star Trek, Easy Rider, Zoltan: Hound of Dracula, The Amazing Spider-Man and Star Trek: The Next Generation) and they hit it off real easy.  While doing some modifications to J.C.’s bikes; his girl Paisley (Claire Polan of Angels’ Wild Women, Wonder Women, Ladies Night and Action U.S.A.) proceeds to hit on Rommel who blows her off and points out she already has a guy.   Being a decent guy, Rommel kept his distance and Paisley claims Rommel raped her.  J.C. and his crew jump Rommel, flog the crap out of him and kills Rita.   Charming lot I know.

Psst, Ted pull over I have to pee.

Rommel more or less heals up and is out for blood.  One of J.C.’s former crew Nero (Edward Parrish of Sidehackers) goes and hits the street looking for guys to recruit against J.C. including Big Jake (Robert Tessier of The Deep, The Sword and the Sorcerer, The Longest Yard, Starcrash and The Cannonball Run) and he is aptly named.  

A big shootout occurs in this random little shotgun shack out in the middle of nowheresville and eventually the cops may get out there but it is out of the Los Angles main county so there probably was a jurisdiction issue that needed to be sorted.   While people are getting blown away left and right.

Acid reflux is murder, kids!

Joel and the bots flounder their way through this festering pile of monkey vomit by focusing on how cool Rommel’s hat is and the values that sidehacking could bring to not just them but the very world they float in a geosynchronous orbit above.  Also we get introduced to Michael Nelson (writer and later Mike Nelson of MST3K) as he mimics J.C. rather well and Frank is decked out as J.C.’s dependable right hand man known as Cooch.   I swear I wish I made up that name but checkout IMDB and you too will see the horror that is that character’s name.

MST3K Week: Cave Dwellers

Howdy boys and girls and welcome to MST3K Week.  I thought I would share my favorite bad movies that Joel, Mike and the lovable bots have trashed over the 10 years Best Brain Productions had to offer with the inception of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  For those unfamiliar with this show (SHAME!!!!) I will do my best to explain.  Two mad scientists are convinced by subjecting all of humanity to the most horrendous movie they can dominate the world.  In order to find the end all most heinous of turkeys, they subject one of their own workers Joel Robinson (Stand-up comedian and creator of MST3K Joel Hodgeson) into space as a controlled environment he cannot get away from and is fed a steady diet of really horrible films. Along with Joel are his robots he tinkered with are Crow T. Robot, wisecracking Tom Servo and lastly the diverse and ship maintaining Gypsy.    So without further adieu I cast to thee, Cave Dwellers!!!

 

West Side Story: The Prehistoric Years.

Ator: Thong, the spoiler is ready!

This particular episode Joel and the bots have endured an asteroid shower and thankfully they are squeaky clean as Mad scientists Dr. Forrester (Traci Beaulieu of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Cinematic Titanic) and TV’s Frank (Liberal and comedic writer Frank Conniff) attempt to recreate the old Mike Douglas set of yesteryear.   After a ritual known as Invention Exchange where each side is to dazzle one another with their pithy wit, Joel and the bots are subjugated to the abysmal turd that is Cave Dwellers a.k.a. The Blade Master, Ator the Invincible, Ator the Return and Ator the Blade Master. 

Bowflex does work!

From the direction of Italian soft core pornographer/ horror director Joe D’Amato (The Erotic Adventures of Aladdin X, Creepers, Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals and Beyond the Darkness) comes the sequel to Ator, the Fighting Eagle from Alternative Title Week.  Yes I am that evil, folks.

Ator (Miles O’Keefe of Tarzan the Ape Man, Ator the Fighting Eagle, Sword of the Valiant and The Lone Runner) lost his would be bride Sonya and is off studying in some forlorn cave with his buddy the mute sidekick Thong (Kiro Wehara of The Blade Master and Interzone) when they are visited by a young woman, Mila (Lisa Foster of Fanny Hill, Marie, Come Spy with Me and The Jitters) who tells Ator of her father his mentor has been captured by his former pupil Zor (David Brandon of Jubilee, She, The Lost City and The Scarlet and the Black).   Ator and Thong mount a rescue to save Ator’s former mentor but will they arrive in time?

Okay this is the part where I tell you why I love this MST3K episode.  This was my first every MST3K I ever saw.  I got most of the jokes as a wee lad and love it even more so since adulthood.  The bots constantly compare Zor to John Saxon but I myself find I am leaning to a hybrid of Alan Rickman and Terrance Stamp and hey Zor is but a consonant away from being Zod.  

Look out!!! It's Koko the Terrible!!

Our hero makes his own hang glider in the time span of a jump cut which Joel and the bots mercilessly torment the film about.  The plot is shaky, the action a bit hammy but thankfully the wise acres of the Satellite of Love are helping you through it.   Oh FYI, you are not missing much with the extra 15 minutes and no Mysties trashing the full format of this film.

Shark Week: Sand Sharks

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to reading this blog…hehe sorry but that particular tripe read up had a long time coming.  Welcome back to the end of Shark Week and hopefully it has been entertaining and downright silly for you all.  Next on the docket is surprisingly enough YET ANOTHER SyFy movie.   Yeah well it has been kind of a running gag there.   Hey I could have subjected you to Orka so be grateful.  Okay then, get your floaties on, build that bonfire past safety regulations and let’s get this party started.   This is Sand Sharks.

 

Ride like the wind brah!!

If it’s like mother…it’s big…and it’s spoiler!

AWP (American World Pictures) founders of such cinematic straight to DVD abominations as: Sacrifice, Beyond the City Limits, Instinct to Kill, Pterodactyl and Young Cesar brings forth from the depths of Hell this delightful creature feature.  Now that may seem very negative…because it is. 

Our plot opens with the island resort of White Sands, local sheriff John Stone (Eric Scott Woods of Charmed, Ghost Game, April’s Fools, Jonah Hex and Sink Hole) and his sister Brenda  (Vanessa Lee Evigan of Less Than Perfect, Quiet Kill, Holiday in Handcuffs, Project Solitude and In My Sleep) and warning the Mayor (Edgar Allan Poe of Traces of Red, Dead Inn, Oliver Twisted, Monkeybone and King’s Highway)and swarmy prodigy Jimmy (Corin Nemic of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, Drop Zone, Stargate: SG-1, The Stand, Mansquito, S.S. Doomtrooper and The American Standards) that they have to close the beaches to what they believe is a shark attack.  Naturally there is scoffing so Sheriff Stone (Chief Brody) offers to call in an expert for a second opinion.  The mayor and his man brat agree to this but otherwise this party festival is still on. 

Breasts makes science easy to follow.

Enter Doctor Sandy Powers…tee fricking hee.  Dr. Powers (Brooke Hogan of 2-Headed Shark Attack, Devour and School of the Dead) will be our Matt Hooper archetype only she primarily is roaming around in a tank top and shorty shorts to display other assets to hide the lack of intelligence as she spews her lines.   Seriously, if you believe this girl is a marine biologist then you believed Tara Reid’s archeologist in Alone in the Dark.

Powers surmises that the creature is a prehistoric shark that existed and hunts in the sand rather than water. HUGE STRETCH but I dare say we move on as the festival appears to be a snack fest for these ravenous eating machines of CGI terror.

Yes I have more to say.   While this was not the gore gobbling fest that Piranha 3D was, I think it was meant to be NOT taken seriously.  I saw civvies having access to Napalm for God’s sake.  A flaming throwing M4 assault rifle was a prop.  The sharks look like a hybrid of a crocodile scaled shark but thankfully no Tiffany or Debbie Gibson was around.

Jonas Quinn makes pimpin' look easy.

This was hastily written, the CGI needed a lot of tweaking and well the performances felt like everyone was just a goofing around.   I am pretty sure this film is out there to be made fun of but that seems too easily.  Give me a creature feature that doesn’t know it is tripe like Snow Beast.   

Alternative Title Week!

Howdy girls and boys!!!  Welcome back and boy did I come up with some silly for this week.  After being a loyal fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and also reviewing movies for Epinions.com for a couple of years; I noticed a constant in the realm of B grade films marketing.  The need to alter the title numerous times throughout the regions.  For some, this is a means to improve the sales.  For others it is a simple factor that the original title does not translate well from language to language.

Sir, my suit is chaffing.

Personally, I think it is to drive critics completely crackers so they don't know what flick they are actually seeing.   Thus inspired is the theme of the week.   So sit back, relax and I hope you get a kick out of Alternative Title Week.