Chopper Chicks in Zombietown

How do Readers of the Rotten. Well, it's time once again for a fan request and yeah it's a Troma movie. I'm not pleased at that but I will let it go and not vent my spleen. Yeah we are back in B-movie territory so buckle up, brace yourself and make peace with your dear and fluffy lord. This is Chopper Chicks in Zombietown a.k.a. Chrome Hearts a.k.a. Zombie Town a.k.a. Cycle Sluts 

 

Looks like they just barely "Escape From the Bronx!"

 

 

 

 

 

Yup right off the bat, we got alternative titles with writer/director Dan Hoskins (Pretty Smart and Chopper Chicks in Zombietown) seemed to wanted some dark humor with his horror film and I believe he managed it.

Our opening title card begins with "Life's a bitch and then you die. Usually." Followed by a maniacal cackle, I think that sets a tone. Cut right to the girls on bikes zooming along. Hey! California is a helmet law state! Rule breakers!

A gang of biker chicks are out raising hell and giving it their all. They screw around in this remote California town Zariah, scaring the locals and creating all sorts of malarkey. Heavens!  They could ratchet it up to tomfoolery. These girls are far less intimidating than The Switchblade Sisters and I love the serious tone the film is trying to put out. 

 

Welcome to Thorton's Casting Couch.

 

 

 

 

 

These group of Jezebels are ran by Rox (Lyica Naff of St. Elsewhere, The Clan of the Cave Bear, Fame, Lethal Weapon, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Return to Green Acres, Total Recall and The Flash (1990 version), this brunette smoke show and IMDB is showing her as T.C. Sooooo somebody screwed up and I don't think it's the film.  Getting back to our opus of a film, the girls had an encounter in the last town and gave exposition about a member name of Candy, stating we don't need any more heat on us.  FYI, their gang is called The Sluts. Not exactly terrifying. Might I make a few suggestions that won't get you laughed at? The Vipers? The Ball Breakers? The Insanguinators? Hoes of Death? Just mull those over.

Feels like I just stepped into some 70s biker exploitation movie and got a little bit of zombie on my boot. Big surprise is the local yokels don't take kind them there biker trash. The local mortician just removed a body and replaced him with sand bags in the coffin. Foreshadow perhaps? Or maybe he's either a necromancer (mage with powers over the dead) or a necrophile (man or woman with obscene infatuations for the dead). Either way, I am sure it will progress the story.

Bob's gotta roscoe now, see? Meh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The local dwarf, Bob Littleton (Ed Gale of Howard the Duck, Phantasm II, Child's Play, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, Dolly Dearest, Land of the Lost (1991-1992 version) and O Brother, Where Art Thou?) is in charge of population. That is he and his chalkboard establish the live ones accounted. Bob Littleton. They really just gave Bob the shaft there, didn't they? Guess Seymour Butts was too classy. FYI, Ed there is credited as Chucky's stunt double in Child's Play. Does that mean they tossed him into fireplace or the wall? One wonders.

The town Sheriff Not Wiggum (Lewis Arquette of The Real Ghostbusters, A Pup named Scooby Doo, Tango & Cash, Tales from the Crypt, Book of LoveYo Yogi, Hypernauts and Mojave Moon) and his mustache might not care for these chippies in his here jurisdiction. And yes he is father of Patricia, Rosanna, Alexis and David Arquette. Even stars in Scream 2 as Chief Hartley.

 

Ernie?!

 

 

 

 

 

Shockingly enough, our mortician is also a mad scientist name of Ralph Willum (Don Calfa of 1941, The Return of the Living Dead, Weekend at Bernie's, Bugsy, Doctor Dolittle, Downward Angel, Night Creep and Sharkskin) is responsible for all this mayhem to even happen. Shame on you, Ernie! Didn't you learn from The Return of the Living Dead?

Naturally the best way to not provoke the undead, the supernatural or demons is to STOP PESKY KIDS. You all know what I am talking about. They read from the book, they trash the cemetery, they take a crap in your refrigerator's crisper bin.  KEEP an eye on these little chaos factories.

As luck or plot point would have it, a bus full of blind orphans (many of which are smoking) has been stalled out not far from the abandoned zombie mine. Uh-oh Spagetti-Os! By the way, as a subplot, no I have no idea why the blind orphans are doing out in the heated two lane blacktop. Traveling to go see The American Gladiators? That may require sight. Um...off to hear New Kids on the Block? No wait, that would require wanting to listen.

Well, the cat or in this case, the scourge of zombies? Maybe a plethora of zombies? A mass of zombies? Well however you want to quantify it, the ghouls are loose and looking for flesh.

 

Sheriff Not Wiggums asks for the Sluts' help in saving those blind orphans and defending the town. The proper answer is NOPE. ALL THE NOPES! Alas the Sluts may have hearts of gold and join in the fray. With the populous be zombie food? Couldn't they call in the National Guard or Raccoon City's S.T.A.R.S.?

We have a quote from the Austin Chronicles via its VHS box cover claiming, "Shades of Night of the Living Dead and a bit of The Seven Samurai, Chopper Chicks in Zombietown is a very smart and very funny movie." Hmm, late 80s...beating the deadlines. AHA! Cocaine was the deciding factor!  It all makes sense now.

What did I take away from this picture? Well the humor was dark to the level of Night of the Creeps, some decent tongue-in-cheek gags and the zombie FX was fair for this low budget job. Gorgeous girls beating the crap out of zombies. Sorry fellas there is absolutely no titty in our flick today WHATSOEVER.   I too, was stunned at this.   Guess they were going more for female empowerment rather than give off a jiggle fest.  Now use those McDonald's napkins and dry your tears, boys.  At the end it was gory and goofy. Felt like I took my brain offline and just had a few laughs.

 

She really likes that jukebox.

 

MST3K Week: Sidehackers

Welcome back again sport fans and boy oh boy do I have a dumb movie in need of quips, comments and snotty remarks.  Heading into MST3K Week I thought I would force you to digest an exploitation film involving a ridiculous sport of a two man motorcycle team ripping around a dirt track like a modern day chariot race.    Oh who am I kidding?  The Mads bring the hurt with this Ross Hagen movie that will leave you with some many WTF moments you will cherish Easy Rider by comparison.   And with that in play it is time to watch Sidehackers (Five the Hard Way)

 

He's taking Franks' brain!  Get em!!

Rommel? Oh you magnificent spoiler, I’ve read your book.

Our “film” revolves around mechanic/sidehacker Rommel (Ross Hagen of Hellcats, Angels’ Wild Women, Wonder Women, Night Creature and Dinosaur Island).  When he is not rolling in the fields with his girl Rita (Diane McBain of Burke’s Law, Batman, The Man from U.N.C.L.E.,  and Maryjane) he is honing his skills as a sidehacker balancing a bike with his body weight on a side car as the bike rips around dug up tracks.   He meets up with a bike circuit entertainer name of J.C. (Michael Pataki Star Trek, Easy Rider, Zoltan: Hound of Dracula, The Amazing Spider-Man and Star Trek: The Next Generation) and they hit it off real easy.  While doing some modifications to J.C.’s bikes; his girl Paisley (Claire Polan of Angels’ Wild Women, Wonder Women, Ladies Night and Action U.S.A.) proceeds to hit on Rommel who blows her off and points out she already has a guy.   Being a decent guy, Rommel kept his distance and Paisley claims Rommel raped her.  J.C. and his crew jump Rommel, flog the crap out of him and kills Rita.   Charming lot I know.

Psst, Ted pull over I have to pee.

Rommel more or less heals up and is out for blood.  One of J.C.’s former crew Nero (Edward Parrish of Sidehackers) goes and hits the street looking for guys to recruit against J.C. including Big Jake (Robert Tessier of The Deep, The Sword and the Sorcerer, The Longest Yard, Starcrash and The Cannonball Run) and he is aptly named.  

A big shootout occurs in this random little shotgun shack out in the middle of nowheresville and eventually the cops may get out there but it is out of the Los Angles main county so there probably was a jurisdiction issue that needed to be sorted.   While people are getting blown away left and right.

Acid reflux is murder, kids!

Joel and the bots flounder their way through this festering pile of monkey vomit by focusing on how cool Rommel’s hat is and the values that sidehacking could bring to not just them but the very world they float in a geosynchronous orbit above.  Also we get introduced to Michael Nelson (writer and later Mike Nelson of MST3K) as he mimics J.C. rather well and Frank is decked out as J.C.’s dependable right hand man known as Cooch.   I swear I wish I made up that name but checkout IMDB and you too will see the horror that is that character’s name.

Alternative Title Week: Escape from the Bronx

Welcome back to another heaping helping of Alternative Title Week.  Since starting this concept with the Bronx Warriors, I thought it only proper to subject you all to its sequel. HEY!  Stop running away.  You didn’t have to watch it.   Okay then… Director Enzo G. Castellari (Cold Eyes of Fear, Keoma, The Inglorious Bastards, The Last Shark, The Bronx Warriors and Warriors of the Wasteland) felt his anti-hero Trash needed a bit more hype and love so came the sequel of his opus The Bronx Warriors.  So stock up on some ammo, avoid going out in the daylight and beware of Italians claiming to be Americans.  This is Escape from the Bronx a.k.a. The Bronx Warriors 2, Escape 2000, Escape from the Bronx- 1990: The Bronx Warriors II and Son Adam: Escape from the Bronx.

 

Chou stay out of ma beans!!!

Floyd Wrangler: No spoiler you idiot! How many times do I have to tell you, no spoiler! It makes me CRAZY!!

When we last left our greasy anti-hero Trash, (Mark Gregory of Rainbow, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Adam and Eve, Thunder and Thunder II) he was the lone survivor of the Riders (the “toughest gang” of the Bronx).  Now he does runs for the remaining gangs in search of ammunition and sidearms for a profit.  While avoiding pot shots fired from the General Construction Corporation’s band of bully boys, Trash finds remaining the Bronx to be a bleak concept but has nowhere else to call home.  He tries to convince the leader of the combined gangs Tolberone (Antonio Sabato of Grand Prix, Hate for Hate, Barbarella, They Were Called Graveyard, Lovemaker and Beyond the Law) to start another uprising against GCC but to no avail.

Relax, they are just cutting down on the weeds.

The corporation promises those that leave the Bronx on their own accord will be sent to New Mexico with the promise of an affordable house and better living.  Yes take note nothing about setting them up in Manhattan or Brooklyn.   Meanwhile beyond their veiled promise is silver suit clad men armed with submachine guns and FLAMETHROWERS!!! They are doing building to building searches and smoking anything that shows an ounce of resistance to the forceful move.

Aren't you hot in that outfit?

The merciless corporate President Clark(Ennio Girolami of The Last Shark, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Tuareg: The Desert Warrior, Operation Name and Sinbad of the Seven Seas) plays off the rumors that his conglomerate is using fascist tactics to move the people from the slums of the Bronx, however a reporter name of Moon Grey (Valeria D’Obici of Passione d’amore, Sweet Pea, Midnight Killer and The Best Man) claims that the GCC President is full of what makes the grass grow green and is exterminating people with extreme prejudice.  Oh those zany reporters.  

Clark’s main man, Floyd Wrangler (Henry de Silva of The Manchurian Candidate, Day of the Assassin, Sharky’s Machine, Chained Heat,  Above the Law and Cannonball Run II) assures Clark that he will meet the deadline and take care of the reporter as well. 

Moon Grey hooks up with Trash and a resistance fighter from Nam named Strike and his demolitionist 8 year old son to kidnap the President and hold him hostage until his goon squads pull out of the Bronx.

 

Die in the name of Charlton Heston!!!

As previously with the first movie the gunfights have that nice slow motion effect to let you clearly see they have been gunned down.  The fore mentioned boy rigs the stairwells and walkways with explosive charges to the likes you don’t see from a veteran Navy SEAL or Army Ranger.  This boy is terrifying in my opinion.  He can skip every bath he wants.  I don’t need him rigging my electric razor or toilet to explode. 

Typical 80’s action flick with a lot of gunfire, some fist fights and not a whole lot of plot in site but it was kind of fun to watch.

Alternative Title Week: The Bronx Warriors

Hiyas kids and welcome to Alternative Title Week.  Boy have I been scraping the bottom of the barrel for these cinematic wonders.  It would appear commonly in the latter 80’s that post-apocalyptic films are where the money is at.  With the success of John Carpenter’s Escape from New York and George Miller’s Mad Max that Italy was not far behind with its conglomerate of rip offs at the ready.  Prepare to be underwhelmed and less than flabbergast.  This is 1990: The Bronx Warriors a.k.a. The Bronx Warriors, Bronx Warriors, The Riffs and Warriors of the Bronx.

ICE CREAM MAN!!!!!!

Trash: You bastard! You work for the Spoiler Corporation!

Hmm, cannot help but feel like that spoiler was aimed at me.  Oh well.   Our esteemed director Enzo G. Castellari (Drango: A Bullet for You, The Inglorious Bastards, Warriors of the Wasteland and Escape from the Bronx) brings us a schlock half baked and poorly paced story arc of a trilogy.  The concept is the world has taken a turn for the worst after a massive crime wave due to illegal drugs…and yet somehow all of the buildings are intact, we still have a police force, there are major TV networks and people are still going to work.. Ahem but other than that clearly the world has taken a turn for the worst.  We see a young girl run across the bridge as we see Manhattan is completely untouched by this all consuming wave of crime.  The very crime wave that made New York vacate the Bronx to the gang element and let them have at it.  Street justice should clear these knuckleheads out in about a year is my thinking.

One!...singular sensation!!

  

  A former policeman name of Hammer (Vic Morrow of Combat!, The Evictors, The Last Shark,  Humanoids from The Deep and B.A.D. Cats) infiltrates one of the gangs in order to find sad lost girl Ann (Stefania Girolami Goodwin of The Heroin Busters, The Last Shark, Warriors of the Wasteland and Sinbad of the Seven Seas) desperate to escape her father’s company the Manhattan Corporation from its luxury bought from the expense of others.  Strive sweetie!

Trash: Anti-hero or soft headed goober?

 Let us not forgot the vicious gangs like the Zombies?  A gaggle of inline roller skaters with modified hockey sticks, pads and repainted Nazi helmets; these boys are as threatening as an ingrown toenail yet the Riders (because they have motorcycles) vow to take them on at every turn.  Led by their charismatic leader of few words Trash (Marc Gregory of Rainbow, Escape from the Bronx, Thunder and Thunder II) the only thing I have noticed what this kid has going for him is pants so tight you can make out his religion and he is a slab of beef Reb Brown style.

But low and behold the Riders take a meeting with a rival group with the sweetest collection of hot rods known as the Tigers and led by B-movie and exploitation legend himself, Fred Williamson (MASH, Hammer, Black Caesar, Crazy Joe, Black Eyes, Deadly Impact, From Dusk Till Dawn and Vegas Vampires).  Word on the street is Trash has a cop in his midst and needs to check that.  So say the Ogre(Williamson)…and then they causally and carefully pull out from the scene leaving the bikers to crane their necks to follow them out.   HUH???!!!

Deaf International Film SrL. brought us this little gem courtesy of its director and the heavy metal movement was very popular so yes that is the better portion of your soundtrack.  All these gorgeous hard tail bikes got these cheesy plastic skulls that light up attached to their hogs.  WHY??!!!  It looks absurd but hey I am not the props master here.   The duel switchblades mounted on the bikes was a neat enough effect to make up for the skulls though.

Boy, I can pick up the dumb ones.

 This action/adventure/science fiction Italian hybrid clearly tried to capture the vibe and feel of The Warriors and Escape from New York and thus not create either.   Castellari is also fond of slow motion gun play of bodies dropping or explosions directly under their feet and to be fair, cinematically it looks amazing.  We chucked physics right out the door but again a great shot should not be sneered at.

Painkiller Jane: Heroine or Menace?

I've noticed more than a few valid complaints about how there are no really decent superheroine movies and I agreed.    Most are given skimpy outfits, one liners that would make Spidey groan and a love interest that is not merely farfetched but over exaggerated.   No real depth into a backstory or explanation on how they came to be.  Several characters have been overlooked.   Vampirella for example is a powerful, capable woman that happens to be a vampire with a great mental capacity and physical strength.  Granted her outfit looks like dental floss but nevertheless badass gal.   Dynamite Comics however has a character that essence was more or less captured on a Syfy Channel TV Movie. 

So make a munchie run, grab me a Mexi-Coke and let’s sit in.   This is Painkiller Jane.

Spoilers hurt so good…

The crux of the character is sound but her background and profession was altered.  So from being a hard hitting cop we alter Jane (Emmanuelle Vaugier of Saw II, House of the Dead 2, 40 Days and 40 Nights, Unearthed and Far Cry) into a Spec Ops Captain in charge of her unit: Painkiller.   What would be a major heroine processing and distribution center on intel turns out to be some sort of biological lab, patients are infected and soon Jane and her men too receive side-effects.  Desperate to vacate the Captain and men haul ass out only to run into about 20 men armed with Ak-47s and Hazmat suits.  Jane and her boys valiantly fight them but are cut to ribbons and left bleeding on the alley street.  The End…or is it?

5 days later Jane awakes in a military hospital, her wound dramatically healed leaving faint tissue scarring that should be the result of weeks of healing not days.   Her commanding officer Colonel Watts (Richard Roundtree of Shaft, Outlaws, Seven, Vegas Vampires, Desperate Housewives and Heroes) feels they need to do more testing for the fact she was the only one in her unit to come out alive.  Doctor Graham Knight (Tate Donovan of Love Potion No. 9, Partners, Hercules, Friends, The O.C. and Damages) establishes a rapport with Jane and gains her trust with his promise to fix whatever occurred.   Jane notices other aspects of herself beyond her healing such as: heighten state of awareness to her surroundings, dexterity, speed, strength, to process information at an accelerated level and analytical thinking on a scale that rivals gifted intelligence.    

While slightly reveling in her new found abilities, Jane also knows the military will use her as a weapon, escapes during a military transport to a safer location and without killing or even injuring her captors.  Doctor Knight may be the only man to help her but can anything be made to assist her?  Will she want to give up this new abilities and what of Timmy trapped in the well?

TV director Sanford Bookstaver (The Chronicle, Fastlane, The O.C., Bones, and House M.D.) tackles a comic book character devised by Joe Quesada (The Ray, Batman: Sword of Azrael, Daredevil and Ash) and Jimmy Palmiotti (Punisher, Ghost Rider, The Nam, Daredevil and Ash) and frankly as a fan of the comic itself I though Vaugier’s portrayal was spot on.   Tough as nails when the bullets start flying but emotional when the danger has subsided, trying to figure out her next move or if she in fact even has a next move.  Okay a lot of TV movies are hammier than Shatner’s  $h%* My Dad Says but overall my only complaint is the story moved too fast and didn’t allow for some real development but hell it was two hours so guessing a mini-series arc was the way to go.   Say now, isn’t there a Painkiller Jane series starring Kristanna Loken?   Hmm…I wonder.

Season 1: The Story Begins

Normally I am not a huge USA network fan.  I skim through it every so often for series in repeat or marathons on episodes I have missed and generally do not care for films that have been censored and neutered to make less offensive.   So in 2007, I heard on the IMDB grapevine that a new show is coming out I do a brief scan and it looks interesting, I watch the first 3 episodes and it becomes captivating so grab your cell phone, your Sig Sauer and prep your lies.  This is Burn Notice Season 1.

The review you are about to read may contain spoilers and above all else is "need to know" information that is classified…(okay I was having fun that last bit).

Series creator and head writer Matt Nix (Burn Notice and The Good Guys) devised a complex series of episodes outlining a spy’s life of point and counterpoint.  Who are enemies and who allies are and lastly who blurs in between those lines.  To cap off this series is one Michael Westen (Jeffery Donovan of Touching Evil, Hitch and The Pretender) who narrates throughout the chapter.  At first I feel like it was unnecessary and just let the show unfold as it is but after a few episodes I got the feeling that the narration is integral to the action and scenes.  While conducting a little hush money transaction to a ruthless warlord in order to smooth diplomacy to warring nations, Westen’s alias has be compromised and is cut loose from any back up.  The warlord’s men proceed to beat him and he comes up with a decent lie to formulate a plan of escape. 

 Making his way to the agency plane he passes out and wakes up in a cheap hotel in Miami where he is greeted awake (by a light boot in the bruised ribs) by former girlfriend and IRA terrorist Fiona Glenn Anne (Gabrielle Anwar of Scent of a Woman, The Three Musketeers, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead)   Given all his assets and money are frozen he has to seek operating funds elsewhere and speaks to former SEAL and friend Sam Axe (Bruce Campbell of Evil Dead, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., Spiderman)   Michael has to figure out who set him up and who he can turn to for help.   Family is always a good choice unless you are a Westen.  Mother, Madeline Westen  (Sharon Gless of Cagney and Lacey) could teach the KGB a thing or two about manipulation but she has a good heart and should have blacken lungs from how often she chain smokes.

This show feels like an action movie.  The fight choreography is a very similar approach to the Bourne Trilogy.  Very fluid motion and it does not feel staged.   Car chases have such precision; it is mind boggling.  The gun fights are intense.   Which each new scene you get the sensation that this conspiracy against one capable man is very elaborate and a far bigger puzzle than Michael has put together thus far and it is only going to get worse before it gets better for him.   As for the viewer, if you appreciate a well rounded cast, good writing and impressive story telling then give this show more than the once over.  You just might be pleasantly surprised.