Linnea Quigley Week: Don't Go Near the Park

Howdy doodly doo to Day 1 of Linnea Quigley Week. As she has had 35 years of the B movie racket it is only fair we start her off with a feature she just got a quick cast into the role. Today's movie has dark content, an actual clever story, some gore and even a dash of human emotion, yet still regarded as a B-movie but also a cult classic. How could it both you ask? Seriously you are asking me that? This.. this kind of thing happens quite frequently.

Due to its graphic (though hardly realistic) violence depicted it hails from Great Britian's Video Nasty ban list. This is Don't Go Near the Park a.k.a. Curse of the Living Dead, Nightstalker, Sanctuary of Evil and Don't Go in the Woods... Alone!

Seizure cam!!

Our film opens with terrifying xylophone soundtrack and a handwritten text crawl informing us that many millennia ago, people found the secret to eternal youth by combining a mixture of herbs and plants, a ritual and then devouring human flesh would allow the cannibals to rejuvenate their own bodies by siphoning the youth of their victims. Mary Kay wish they had this formula and packaged in a disturbing pink organs box set.

The plot seems a bit jumbled but as your faithful researcher and writer I shall do my level best to make all become clear. Two cannibals Gar (Crackers Phinn a.k.a. Robert Cribbin of S.W.A.T. , Hitch Hike to Hell, Teen Lust and Dallas) and Tra (Barbara Monker a.k.a. Barbara Bain of Richard Diamond, Private Detective, Mission:Impossible, Savage, Space:1999, Alien Attack and Forget Me Not) from a tribe of cannibals have angered a witch who cursed them with eternal life. However, when hitting at the 12,000 year mark they must find a virgin descended from the tribe and sacrifice her to lift the curse. Their mom is a bit cranky. So to retain their youth throughout the centuries they must consume human organs to replenish the spent years and in the long term they are solving overpopulation and just saying no to botox.

Man, the Mormons are getting pushy.

Finding a suitable mate for such takes time, careful study or just a random bump into the first blonde you see. Enter Linnea Quigley (Summer Camp, Graduation Day, Silent Night, Deadly Night, Return of the Living Dead, Creepozoids, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers and Witchtrap) billed as Bondi's Mother. Third billing in a movie neither Barbara Bain or Robert Cribbin wanted to admit they were in. Using his dark Sith mind powers he just impregnates Bondi's Mother against her will and re-writes her memories as it was her idea and a great one at that. Shotgun wedding and labor just flies by to the birth and moving on to the great ritual. Is Bondi's Mother even needed any more? What of the child? Why was Barbara Bain in this stink nugget?

Just a few comments on our celluloid of crap.

Filming at location of Griffith Park in the Bronson Caves (AGAIN!!!) our huge stretch of land is spliced with a few rural areas to give the cannibals cover for all their dastardly deeds of damnation. The FX on a shoe string budget provided white flesh foam rubber painted but not molded with a heat gun that apparently these cannibals have the strength of 10 men as they tear open flesh with their bare fingers and the organs are clearly animal. My guess would be pig or lamb for the size basis.

Anyone that disagrees or confronts them may succumb to their Cannibal Optic Blast!!! Yeah I am not even making that up. Primate Cyclops offensive skills. X-Cro-magnons unite!! Little protruding fore-headed guy in a stone and stick wheelchair leading them about on adventures through time and space. Can't wait to see primate Wolverine and Nightcrawler next. Well folks, if you haven't gathered it by now I needed my Czech Republic gas mask to finish this turkey.

Likes my steaks really rare.