Merry Christmas to the readers for Day
5 of Dismember December! Welp, we have had some clever flicks, some
shoddy creations and somethings best left in the Wal-Mart bargain bin
and then...we have this moving pictures magic. Plugged by Fangoria
magazine, Fangoria Films keeps churning out creations that
would make plethora of demons upchuck. I have endured three Fangoria
flicks: School's Out, Dead Creatures and
Eternal Blood and all were deeply disappointing. Will
this be the exception? This is One Hell of a Christmas.
Christmas strumpets!!! Yay!!! |
Writer/director Shaky Gonzalez
(Nattens engel,
Kokken, Emergency Release, Pistoleros and The Last Demon Slayer)
brought us a low budget mass conglomerate of horror movie cliches and
even greater dramatic film cliches all in one film. Yippee?? Our
main protagonist Carlitos (Tolo Montana of One Hell of a
Christmas, Kokken and What's Wrong with This Picture)
spent two years in the jug just got released and he sounds like a
bargin basement of Al Pacino via Scarface or possibly Carlito's Way
who is thinking of re-establishing his fractured relationship with
his son and ex-wife. He runs into his old buddy Mike (Thure
Lindhardt of Into the Wild, Flame and Citron, Angels & Demons,
The Borgias, Fast & Furious 6 and The Bridge)
who seems to be channeling Jason Mewes got his hands on this
uber-McGuffin talisman that is supposed to give the owner incredible
powers thanks to the power of exposition.
So are we less than the Gecko Brothers or Cheech & Chong? |
Rather
allowing his buddy make the mistake of pursuing his family, Mike
drags Carlitos off for hookers and drugs because...it's Christmas
time?? Mike rips off a drug pusher for some money and this funky
claw necklace, only to find out it give you the power of green screen
as bullets pass through you, enhances your strength and make you
grimace in a ridiculous fashion from (steady yourself)
producing a magical cocaine. The talisman is actually a claw from
Satan himself and has a guardian of such, hell bent (GET
IT!!??) to laying claim back
to it, and body swaps to get to both Mike and Carlitos to dispense
justice or vengeance or whatever else this schlock written pile of
puppy poop is establishing. The possessed remind me of the original
Evil Dead in the way they yell and move and that was intriguing but
that is all.
Ordinarily
I do not jump on low budget horror as I have enjoyed a few
but...creates decent gore gags but the demonic entity possessed
people look pretty shoddy in the make-up department. The prosthetics
looks like something you would see at a haunted house and the
lighting was less than satisfactory. With the camera angles similar
to Robert Rodrigez with steady cam, a bit of dolly and some crane or
off of building shots, it makes it interesting but does not improve
the story.
With
a script that feels like borrowed elements of Peter Jackson's Dead
Alive, Evil Dead and a hint of Desperado, the cliches start stacking
up like cord wood. Not the worst film I have endured but certain one
of the worst Christmas horror themed. Move long folks, nothing to
see here.
Yeesh, with looks like that, I hope he got a discount. |
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