Season's greetings for a hearty helping
of Day 2 of Dismember December. Say...what screams out Christmas to
you? If it is foul-mouthed children, Dan Haggarty minus his grizzly,
moody Germans and a vengeful albino elf, than you are definitely in
luck. This is Elves.
Wow, those effects are worthy of Ghoulies. |
A gaggle of teenagers head into the
deep woods (cue Joe Doluca music via Evil Dead) Kristen
(Julie Austin of Fatal Exposure, Twisted Justice, Night of the
Wilding, Smoothtalker and Extreme Justice) and her ditzy
friends attempt some weird ritual against Christmas when Kristen cuts
her hand conveniently raising a spawn of Hell that looks like an
hairless albino troll that is supposed to be an elf.. Yup it is gonna
be one of those movies.
Breaking curfew to be with her friends
at which looks like 8 o' clock at night, Kristen gets greeted by a
couple of slaps from Grandpa (Borah Silver of Blue Collar, The
Gambler, Escape from New York, S.O.B. And Elves) for laying
her hands on his FORBIDDEN BOOKS and any potential lie she may have.
Mom (Deanna Lund of Land of the Giants, General Hospital, One
Day to Live and Hardly Working) is a definite bitch. Sorry
to lose my PG-13 mentality but that is all I have gotten from this
cow. If she has occasional warmth, I am pretty certain it was fart
residue.
Down and out hobo/former cop Mike
McGavin (Dan Haggerty of The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams,
Spirit of the Eagle, Soldier's Fortune, The Little Patriot, Grizzly
Mountain, Born Champion, Puss in Boots and Escape to Grizzly
Mountain) needs work badly and ends up being second choice as
a mall Santa..given the other one was murdered and was probably a cat
hair away from being a pedophile and serial molester... Did I mention
Merry Christmas?
So in conclusion, Nutzis is the craziest peoples. |
Mike's cop instincts kick in as he
tries a different approach to the murder and thinks who or whatever
did this, is nearby the store given the murderer snuck in and out
without anyone the wiser. Kristen and friends apparently are
hooking up with some boys for sex games and hey who wouldn't want to
get freaky in a department store with less than clean floors. Mike
crashes on a cot in former crime scene trying to figure out this
symbol from a Dummy's Guide to the Occult.
Disgruntled German Grandpa gets visited
fellow angry Germans that confer that after one murder of a suspected
pedophile that some ancient pact made with the Elves has come to
light and need to claim Kristen to further some diabolical pact in
padding the film. I had to wait for 30 minutes for anything to
happen after the first murder when the Germans get into a gunfight
with Mike and the Elf pops in and out of scene. My guess is the
practical effects guys were having a hard time moving the beastie
around.
So what do we get out of this movie?
Nazis, a demonic elf, dead jiggly girls and the most dysfunctional
family I have had to displeasure to watch. Too many spoilers to be
had and I wouldn't deprive you all of this brilliant .357 Magnum opus
of a film. . Ranking in an hour and 38 minutes this horror film
somehow got a PG-13 rating with its nudity, violence and enough
F-bombs dropped by a 12 year old, I am confused. Yeah this was a
turd in a punch bowl at a pretigous party. Skip it.
Oh no sir, I am most certainly not Oliver Platt. |
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