Chainsaw Cheerleaders

We are back in action, my friends. To those of you that requested this next movie, I have one question. "Why?" Look we all know I have sat through my fair share of horror films but come on! This is a Donald Farmer flick.  The guy that brought you such titles like: Vampire Cop, Demolition Highway, Space Kid and An Erotic Vampire in Paris.  Yeah not too pleased but let's get through this magnum opus and hope for the best.  This is Chainsaw Cheerleaders.

Attack of the Cheerleader clones!!!

Gonna say right off the bat, I do not recognize the cast aside from the vivacious Tiffany Shepis (Death Factory, Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle Pie, Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp, Devils Moon and Victor Crowley) Troma Scream Queen Debbie Rochon (Hellblock 13, Dead Clowns, In the Woods, Bikini Bloodbath, Splatter Disco, A Feast of Flesh and Nun of That) and Jim O'Rear (The Vampyre Wars, Hayride Slaughter, Charlie and Sadie, The Legacy, The Dead Matter, Resurrection and Stephen King's The Boogeyman), so this could be trouble.

The opening title shots looks like the beginning to a porno (Not that I would ever lower myself to watching such) with chainsaws, some mild public domain techno rock mix, hard bodied teens glistening with sweat, close up pans on lips getting licked so subtlety is right out the window.

Firstly, Dawn (Michele Grey of The Green Room, Plague of the Damned, Love Fever, Lucidity, The Alantan and Unravelled) a chainsaw brandishing cheerleader gives us some narrative.

Tiffany may have accidentally killed this girl. Not sure.

500 years prior, enter Lucinda (Tiffany Shepis) rocking a peasant gown out in a park er um ancient pathway to the king's court. As she torments her chosen victim with...a CGI creature and a large ceremonial knife. With a bit of heart or rather a lot of it, two robed monks interrupt Lucinda's ceremony and thwart her wicked ways with cleansing fire...for now.

Modern day, it looks like we entered a flea market uh that is, occult store. Yeah that's it. Getting items for the upcoming Macbeth high school play with creeper shopkeeper Angelique as we fade into Dawn and her boyfriend Dax (Christopher Shaw of Chainsaw Cheerleaders)apparently making a VHS nudie tape of them getting fleshy. VHS for that? Damn hipsters!

A gaggle of girls.

Mom (Susan Delmonico of The Green Room, Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Shrimp Crawl and Hamlet & Hutch) and Dad (Writer/director Donald Farmer of Vampire Cop, Red Lips, Red Lips II, Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat, Body Shop and Dorm of the Dead)are none to pleased with young Dawn and are laying down the law. Dawn storms out of the house, bumps into her friend Sarah who informs her that Dax has moved on according to rumor. Yup, the hits keep on coming.

Bumping into our less than thinking lad and his new conquest, Dawn handles this problem as only a young, delicate flower of a girl can. By kneeing his marbles and smashing his nose with her combat boots.

Guidance Counseling: After Dark.

With the threat looming of assault charges, Mom and Dad want Dawn to see the school  headshrinker/guidance counselor Dr. Lacey (Debbie Rochon) who FYI, kinda smoking hot in glasses. Her suggestion is something peppy for our little angry Goth girl like cheerleader camp. 

Hmm Bloody Pom Poms joke or Cheerleader Camp: To The Death joke?

The saw is the law, bub.

Anywho, Dawn is whisked away for that very mind numbing activity. Apparently the cheerleader group is the Village of the Damned with all the blondes of Chassy (Jackey Hall of Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Chrome Angels, Biohazard: Patient Zero and The Invited), Ciara (Ciara Richards of Demon Sight, Dorm of the Dead, Chainsaw Cheerleaders, and La Premiere) and Jessica (Rabecca Lee of Chainsaw Cheerleaders). Ugh. Main protagonist narrative throughout film... Oh God, did I slip in an Uwe Boll movie by accident??

The trio of the damned (yup still making the Village reference) send Dawn to sell a magazine subscription as she just so happens to find the creeper demon worshiping crowd.

Shop owner Angelique (Ana Xaden of Chainsaw Cheerleaders) is bringing Lucinda back through a portal from Hell, maybe a Sliders portal, rift in the space time continuum. Hell, I don't know. All I know is Tiffany is still rocking the peasant gown.

Plot holes around Dr. Lacey sends a horny guy away that ruined the tawdry naughtiness to be had so she had to resort to her B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) that is going places only your lover and gynecologist ventures, ladies.  Yeah. Yeah.  We are not privy to those in depth shots.  Apparently good taste prevails.   Pretty sure the breast augments cost more than the flick's budget.

Can team spirit prevail??? Will the girls fend off the evil witch???

Practical effects are fairly solid for a smaller budget. There is decent blood spatter, gore effects, monster appliances are well done. The sound quality tends to pop a bit transitioning from scene to scene and we have some out of focus shots where not all of the actors were deemed worthy of being captured.

Michelle Grey and Tiffany Shepis put in a solid performance. Absolutely loved Debbie Rochon's no nonsense character so overall it is a serious note but yeah I can't say I was blown away by the film. Not bad but not good. Sort of a middle of the road... a road inhabited by supernatural entities and cheerleaders.

I did laugh when Klove (Rudy Ownbey of Chainsaw Cheerleaders) was a mindless slave. Wasn't Klove the name of Patrick Troughton in Scars of Dracula? 

Well she's no Juliet Starling, but acceptable.

Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre

And we are back. Y'know, gang sometimes the title along says, "C'mon you're curious to see how this pans out." With today's film that is a definite and with the blessing of the film's director, Jim Wynorski (The Lost Empire, Chopping Mall, Not of This Earth, The Return of Swamp Thing Sorority House Massacre II, Dinosaur Island, Vampirella and Stealth Fighter) giving me the go-ahead, I think I will give this a gander. This is Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre.

Um...they're dirty girls?

Yeah I got your attention with that title. Our film starts off with a bang (not that kind, ya pervs) as two guys from the Arkansas Fracking Industries set off a series of explosions. Fracking is a term for explosive demolitions.  Our collective of ninny Fred (Production designer and Art department Robert Hummel of Dinocroc, Hell Ride, Tekken and Alien Rising) and Sam get their truck stuck as POV shots are in hot pursuit behind them.

Subplot1 has Detective Patterson (Traci Lords of Cry-Baby, Not of This Earth, Blade, First Wave, Deathlands, Frostbite, Novel Romance and Swedish Dicks) and Detective Adam (Corey Landis of That 70's Show, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Camel Spiders, Dracula: Reborn, Toy Masters and Bad Internet) are pursuing a couple of guys that pulled off a heist and they are dogged and hot on the trail.

Meanwhile, subplot 2 as a region designated for chain gang work. No Sonny Landham or James Remar in sight but a bevy of beautiful girls doing time.  So yes, this is a combo platter of women in prison and creature feature.  Also prison regs are tank tops and shorty shorts.   Um...must have missed that on the last Orange is the New Black.  With only two guards watching them I can see this only going well.  They are required to dig in this swamp area and remove stumps.   Guessing the warden's favorite movie is Chained Heat.   Again, only a theory.

My hair tussled enough?

With guards Carl (John Callahan of All My Children, Dinocroc vs Supergator, eCupid, Zoe Gone and The Bay) and Mike (Serafin Falcon of Transporter 2, I Love Miami, The Sopranos, Burn Notice, The Bait, South Beach and NCIS: Los Angeles) on the case, you know...well the girls have only to jiggle and they would be distracted.

Don't worry, my sexist pig readers, the girls manage a little wet T-Shirt dribble here and there for this hard working. Let's meet our bad girls, shall we? Shannon (Amy Holt of Girls Gone Psycho, The Unit, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Break a Hip and Terry), Sarah (Skye McDonald of NCIS: Los Angeles, Murder in the First, Follow Me, The Bet, Stalked by My Mother, Growth:VR and Leading Lady), Michelle (Christine Nguyen of Dexter, House of Lies, Tarzeena: Queen of Kong Island, All Babe Network, Vigilante Diaries and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation), Anita (Cindy Lucas of Piranhaconda, After Midnight, Shark Babes, Scared Topless and Legend of the Naked Ghost) and Samantha (Tabitha Marie of Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre).  Samantha goes to scrub up a wound and seemed to have disappeared.

Sleeping off eating Quint.

Heavens, an injured woman on the side of the road...while you are carrying four convicts.  Hmm, nah nothing wrong here.   Honey (Dominique Swain of Girl, Happy Campers, Lolita, Face/Off, Tart, Alpha Dog and A Doggone Christmas) pulls a fast one on our guards and it's all aboard the prison escape van.

Okay let's get the observation snarking out of the way. The POV shots show me clear, almost tropic waters shots while the main swamp shots have dingy, muck water.   There I did that.  We all happy? Fine, at least three of the guns changed calibers and models.  Yes, I'll finish. Boy, lush vegetation of palm trees, fichus and an underwater cavern in Arkansas seems unlikely.

Patterson and Adam join in to find the missing convicts so not sure about their previous objectives but they are on the case These here waters be infested, me buckos.  Yar!

With abducted Carl in hand, the girls camp out in a house rented by Honey and naturally it's near the swamp lines. Dry land, girls. C'mon already!

An evil industrial complex (because aren't they always?) may have unleashed an ancient predator back into the world by fracking the area prior. This bit of exposition brought to you by Professor Orville, geologist (Chris De Christopher of Distant Justice, Death Racers, Vampire in Vegas, The Devil Wears Nada, Busty Cops Go Hawaiian and Attack of the Killer Donuts) and his pretty boy assistant, John (Oscar DeRosa of Magic City, Hoke, Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre and Lionheart). Claiming it may be able to travel on land as easily as water. Cue Richard Dryfus speech!

With the cops massing a manhunt and this sharkasaurus running wild in the swamps, the girls figure it is high time to bounce.

Will they make it out in time? Can they dodge the cops?

Okay it's a bit campy but you get the vibe it is supposed to be. It's a throwback to the era that brought us The Killer Shrews with a popular shark attack theme and hot girls. Personally I had fun with it. Yes the land sharks gag did make me think of SNL, I know the firearms are Airsoft or BB guns and again I do not care.   I had a blast with this bit of goofy.  Love Traci's performance feels like she is channeling Tommy Lee Jones' U.S. Marshal Gerard from The Fugitive and U.S. Marshals.

Half of the reviews I read about this movie are outright vicious.   Hey "critics"! Just because you made some trivial observation, doesn't give you the right to crap on a film.  We are supposed to be objective and dispassionate in what we see and hear.   Yeah I noticed license plates too.  You got a problem that much with it?  Write and direct your own.

I couldn't shut off Spanish subtitles. Yay me.

Z Nation Season 4

And we are back with more episodes of mayhem and destruction. Gunfire and melee damage, vehicle chases and utter mania. Yes another season of chaos ensues those interested but I must put the following warning out yet again. There will be spoilers. For those still unable or not aware of Seasons 1 through 3, this will be major reveals. For those staying on, the last two years got a bit crazy. This is Z Nation Season 4.

Remember indoor plumbing?  Ah, memories.

Okay first batch of spoilers, guest stars include Michael Ferryman of The Hills Have Eyes 1,2 and the remake. Also fitting in this alumni the one and only Henry Rollins of Black Flag, Henry Rollins Band, Johnny Mnemonic and Bad Boys II.

We last left everyone, a saucer from Zona (Yes, I mean a flying saucer or anti-gravity based vehicle not relying on fossil fuels) was trying to abduct Murphy's daughter, Lucy (Tara Holt of Californication, The Lookalike, Marauders, Darkness Rising and Z Nation) who was aging at an accelerated rate. From a month old to a teenager in less than a year. Addy and Lucy are on the road, helping humans and fending off zombies. 10K, Doc and Red (Natalie Jongjaroenlarp of April '86, Z Nation and Criminal Minds) are joined with a convoy to Newmerica, a refuge in the Canadian border as it is too chilly for zombies. But now then they'll be in Canada. So um, is that better?

Warren has been in a coma for 2 years after being shot with a bullet covered in Murphy's blood. And she's blonde... eh it works. Zona is this utopia island with no zombies and elitist white folk. Yeah, that's always a good thing when the upper 1% are still in charge.

The vaccine from Murphy's blood has...had side effects and the inhabitants of Zona have had a change of heart....and minds. Yeah they've gone completely batshit crazy, along with their own paramilitary, vehicles, ammo and supplies. One would almost conclude that Murphy's blood didn't help these people one wit.

Okay ma'am, one more Black Flag song and then perimeter sweep.

With the last Remanent of the US military and government, a settlement is being equipped to regroup, restock and retake the country back from the zeds, Enders and hopefully the Zona nutter butters. Warren is packing a Ruger .45 and a shield she made out of a Route 66 sign. Those shield bashes alone makes me vouch for first female Captain America. Really want to see what she could do with Cap's old shield.

Murphy is being a dick as per usual, Doc is ever the flaky hippy only with hammers and a decent shot now. 10K seems to be back to himself again and he and Red are, well pretty tight.

Warren however is not just a protector but has gone predator. Stronger, faster and more a force of nature, with a connection with Lucy on a psychic level and sense the zombies, blends (human zombie hybrid) and Mad Zs. With Newmerica being North, Warren is headed East. Oh, wait a moment, I forgot our other residing factor, the zombies.

Oh Canadaaaaaa OMG!!!

Which seem to be more durable, stronger and a straight-up double tap to the coconut is not no longer viable. As many of you now, viral strains vary and mutate and the Z virus is no exception to that rule. Confused?   Standard Zs still traipsing about but an Ender (feral human) goes zombie, they tend to make this near impervious zed.   Referred as Mad Zs and brother they are skibbling along on a near Godmode.   Gonna take the equivalency of a boomstick to the coconut to blow that head clean off. So unless you are traipsing through the woods with a modified 50 round Saiga full auto shotgun or a Spas 20, you be boned.  Maybe a decent claymore or tsurugi (Japanese sword, katana is named for the blade itself like a razor blade so katana/gatana or sori) and some good upper body strength.

Not forgetting some nuclear fallout, weather conditions altering because of such, freak tornadoes and hell, probably giant, radioactive bird poop from the sky.  8 years in the apocalypse has taught this band anything, nothing is absolute.

Feel free for any suggestions of later film, TV or video game reviews, folks. I'm out.

Stop staring down my dress.  Sheesh.  Pigs.

Day of the Dead: Bloodline

Yeah, I noticed I cannot get away from the title or subtitle Bloodline as well. So back again and I have gotten a fair amount of requests for my peepers to peruse this putrid pick.  Oh it can't be that bad.  Only the second remake of the same name for the 1985 Day of the Dead.  The previous occurred in 2008, had a vegan vampire, wasted Ving Rhames and lots of tedious moments of derp. Will the 2018 remake in story line prove better?   Let's look.   This is Day of the Dead: Bloodline

AHHH! NO HICKIES!!!

Med Student Zoe (Sophie Skelton of Doctors, Foyle's War, Casualty, Blackbird, Outlander and 211) has been invited to a kegger at her school in Whittendale University (No hell mouth, I checked.) with her friends. Yes, party and screw in a horror movie. That's never a bad idea. While grabbing more beer from the morgue; One of Zoe's higher ups tells her the favorite donor has arrived. Oh lovely, raper's blood has the highest concentration of antibodies so young soon to be doctor must deal with him. Yup no need to spare any security to watch this guy. Guess you need to swear out a written complaint against a guy before taken seriously.

Creeper blood donor, Rapey McGuffin Max (Jonathan Schaech of That Thing You Do!, If You Only Knew, The Foresaken, Road House 2, Prom Night, Quarantine, Laid to Rest, Blue Bloods and Legends of Tomorrow) tries to get fleshy with Zoe but corpus coitus interruptus or plot device zombie bites his throat.  Zoe beats cheeks to go warn everyone at the party, only to find the party's over and zombies have invaded.   She flees out through the window.  Actually opening it and not crashing through it to open radial and femoral arteries.  Kudos!

The horde of the undead get a nifty term as they are Rotters.   That's nice.   Not only have these people lost any semblance of who they were now you are just calling them names.  Was walkers too on the nose?

Five year later, we have the whole underground bunker storyline, finding a cure this time for zombification and more jump scares than needed. You can comfortably pass a bowling ball out your anus the amount of jump scares needed for most of these flicks. Sorry, sorry. Old habits. Must remain objective.

Some enchanted eeeeevening!!

Hiding out at a bunker up the ridge of High Rock Emergency Bunker and honestly this is just giving an intro before the bizarre living arrangements.  Ran by Lieutenant Salazar (Jeff Gum of The Smell of Success, Breakout Kings, Bleak, Turn Around Jake and Vincent N Roxxy) who isn't Captain Rhodes by a long shot.  Seriously, you can reason with this dude.  Rhodes would just execute people on the spot so you had to tread on eggshells with that cat.

Zoe and Elyse (Shari Watson of The Wash, Ali, A Day in the Life, Dirty South, 211 and Security) barely have enough medical training for all the ouchies they must attend to, plus viral outbreaks are still a thing in zombie world and require plot device, Uh I mean vaccine for one of the kids of the bunker.  Pneumonia can kill people and Salazar is just of the mindset of, "Isolate the girl."  The bunker is a closed containment.   Unless meds are found, they would have to abandon base and leave those sick to DIE.  Sending a small, armed team in LOUD ASS hummers.   El Caminos equipped with clown horns, blaring Slayer and firing off shotguns might be a tad more subtle.

Just from a bio-hazard standing, they really need to clear some of those dead they have already capped.  Rotten bodies less than 50 yards from your crops?? That can't be good.

With a field trip back to Whittendale University, the team must find the meds and find something along the way.   Creeper Max as a zed, yet not.  Hmm, he still retains some memory as a person...a creeper person but a person nonetheless.

Convinced in creating a cure from Max's blood, Zoe puts the whole compound in danger with the mere hope of a better tomorrow.

A few points about this movie and yes I feel my mom's quote is rather valid. " Yes, zombie movies need more rapes so says the producer assholes. "  I find myself agreeing every time.   Aside from the crux of it necessary for a rape revenge story, it is tedious to see in every apocalypse film, dark sci-fi and planet ender.  Just raises the lack of conscious in film.   Look, you already have a swarming entity making a joint effort to turn you into people buffet, must we have a typical scumbag response to "the rules no longer apply," as well?

The practical gore gags injunction with the CGI blood and practical bladders is well balanced. Excellent handheld steady cams, good fixed camera angles and decent suspense music pouring in, setting the tone.  

 With a budget of 8 million and shot in Bulgaria, this is the essence of Day of the Dead without Salazar really slipping into Rhodes' territory.  You don't see a fraction of the military vs civvies from the original.   Guess they couldn't find a dude as cold as Joe Pilato's portrayal or they wanted to humanize the military.   God forbid, right?

That being said, this is filled with the current zombie tropes of fast paced zombies, humans constantly arguing GIVING AWAY their positions so no noise discipline and not enough muzzle discipline or for that matter, melee weapons instead of gunplay.

It can also be argued that Zoe's looking to save humanity means leaping out of her comfort zone, dealing with what is left of Max is actually decent story telling. It just wasn't executed to the levels it could have been. Better than the 2008 version but yes, it has its flaws.

Segregation is still rude, folks.

Death Camp III in 2D!

Hiya folks, we are back again! So once again, I have been called upon for my humble writing skills to give a movie a review. Not too shocking as that is kind of my schtick. A young writer/director Matt Frame (Where's Mary Jane, Baghdad or Bust, GGG: One Night Stab and No Joke) contacted me directly as he will be attending the Requiem FearFest in Montreal and wanted my take on what I took away from his film.

Now this is actually a horror spoof, so yes a horror/comedy on a popular Paramount slasher, so expect a few Crystal Lake references as you read this. This is Camp Death III in 2D!

Mongo is easily startled.  Just a cat off camera.

In spite of the backstory...I mean exposition of Camp Crystal Meph having ghost stories of Johann Van Damme (Terry Mullet of Alcatraz, Fringe, Red Widow, Almost Human, Van Helsing, Supergirl and Jude's Hope), a vengeful killer that stocks these here woods, mutilating corpses and probably putting on his own backwoods production of The Muppets. With properly sewn flesh puppets. The remaining survivor, Alice (Cynthia Chalmers of Behind the 8 Ball, Rippers and Camp Death III in 2D!) stops Johann...for now.

Hmm you'd think this would be a bad idea to restart the camp but never stopped Camp Rolling Hills  (Sleepaway Camp II reference!!) so onward and upward, Camp Crystal Meph. Lead counselor Todd Boogjumper (Dave Peniuk of Night Owl High, What We Once Were, The Young Eccentrics, Rushback and The Wrong People) is a man. A man with a goal. To turn his uncle's formerly cursed campgrounds into a rehabilitation center for the mentally ill. Yup, a woodsy region cut off of main roads, communications and nutters. Well that can only go swimmingly, can't it?

Uncle Mel (Darren Andrichuk of In the End, Standard Action, Phantom, 3 Hours till Dead and What We Once Were) seems less than impressed with this turn out but I guess he owes loan sharks so he goes along with Todd's plan. Special girl Rachel (Angela Galanopoulos of Sentience, NPC, Michelle's, Ice, Camp Death III in 2D! And Little Olivier) believes in the goals aside for the camp, getting the folk that gave a crap up until a week ago, some righteous God fearing help but of course she had...an accident. Remember, half of half assed writing is a tragic story in the background. Or she makes toliet on the floor.

WE DEMAND BOOTY! Silence male sexist pig boy! Sorry they always sneak in to slasher films. We have period based 80s hairstyles, clothing and totally the lingo. Cue Kane Hodder!!

Filmed in Michael Myers stalker vision.

The composition is similar to Harry Manfredi on the piano helps capture the mood.  We have all the cliches.  A squirrely elderly warning of the dangers of Crystal Meph, irritable bad boys, jiggly girls, the practical joker, sex fiends and sex addicts.   I am pretty sure we will have some psychic phenomenons as well.    Kind of disappointed to not seeing a pedophile cook archetype from Sleepaway Camp.

A few points of observation. I get the huge impact the third Friday the 13^th had on folk but this honestly feels more like a dig on the second and fifth movie with more killer POV shots, the more troubled teens to twenty somethings and the fact they are all...not mentally above board.

Now we need weed, booze and per-marital sex and our slasher will manifest from the woods with weapon of choice.   How about an axe made up of dead badgers?  Hey I have seen the machete, chainsaw, and butcher knife. Gimme something unusual. Howzabout a musical number?

Campers and staff alike are dying in horrific ways...may be something to this lunatic in the woods thing. Is it Johann from beyond the grave or an elaborate fan turned copycat killer???

On an estimate of 35,000 CAD, this film has rauchy, goofy and having fun. Clearly this was never meant to be taken seriously, Even the squirrels hate Uncle Mel. Very reminiscent of Airplane or the lesser known horror spoof, Pandemonium with Tom Smothers, Carol Kane, Judge Reinhold, Phil Hartman and Victoria Carroll; manages to be clever where Scary Movie failed miserably after its first film. Even then, the dick and fart jokes were tedious rather than amusing.

This film is tackling a series 30 years old, trying to not make too many current references and cash in on the myriad of tropes and cliches' is what parody was meant for. To pick on story lines with so many holes in it, you feel like plot points were completely missed, forgotten or no one gave a damn, gives you a sense of fans having fun and taking notes.

So take your brain off the hook, watch and learn and maybe you will pick up enough pointers how to torment your own franchise. I'll see about a The Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a chili cook-off, vindictive characters, a coming of age love story and discount chain of fireworks deaths.   I'll work on that write up.

Counselor Bad Touch!

John Carpenter's Escape From L.A.

Welcome back everyone. Let's check out a sequel. It's been 17 years from the original, and the world is still in the sad state it has been. In the late 20^th century, hostile forces inside the United Staes grow strong. Within Los Angeles, the city is ravaged by crime and immorality, the United States Police Force stand ready to handle the offending town. A final 9.6 tremor on the Richter scale separates this wicked city from the rest of the United States. This is Escape From L.A

Gruff and green screened.

In the far away time of 2014, (yup still love that gag) with an presidential status putting a man in office for life, the President (Cliff Robertson of Too Late the Hero, Man on a Swing, Three Days of the Condor, Falcon Crest, The Sunset Boys, Spider-Man, and Spider-Man 2) passes laws establishing undesirables ranging from anyone deemed immoral, lesser or anyone refusing to adhere to the new moral order. The police encamp around L.A.with a 40 foot high fencing circling the town and the rules are simple. Once you are sent to L.A., you never come back. No parole.

Deemed the most dangerous man in the United States, an old soldier turned crook, Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell of Escape From New York, The Thing, Big Trouble in Little China, Tango & Cash, The Hateful Eight and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2) is being brought into the President, USPF Commander Malloy (Stacey Keach of The New Mike Hammer, Hemingway, False Identity, Lincoln, Body Bags, Titus, Mike Hammer, Private Eye and Death Row) and Lt. Brazen (Michelle Forbes of Swimming with Sharks, Kalifornia, 24, True Blood, The Returned, Powers, Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus and Berlin Station) to offer Snake a new deal. See kids, since NYC, ole Snake has racked up his fair share of charges and grievances and is looking ripe to make a trip to Hollywood.  

Trump's anti-immigrant laws are getting rough.

Air Force One has been overthrown by the President's daughter Utopia (A.J. Langer of The People Under the Stairs, My So-Called Life, Three Sisters, Private Practice and Kristin's Christmas Past), stealing a black box that controls satellites and its EMP (Electromagnetic Pulse) frying anything electronic including batteries and items and vehicles turned off. So Stealth bombers are shielded and...yeah that is about it. Really didn't see this tyrannical "moral order" having drawbacks or people opposing it? Really?

Snake goes in, gets the box and comes back. This is the mission. One way or the other, Plissken is getting a tan. With the threat of a virus coursing through his veins, Plissken has 12 hours to get the black box or the virus kills him. Have they ever been through L.A.traffic?? Thankfully Plissken ran into Maps to the Stars Eddie, Mr. Pink himself Steve Buscemi (Reservoir Dogs, The Hudsucker Proxy, Pulp Fiction, Desperado, Con Air, The Big Lebowski and Portlandia). Okay he isn't particularly useful but does have a few plot devices as an assist. The man running L.A.is no Duke of New York. Yeah sorry to crush Cuervo Jones' nut sack like that, but you ain't Issac Hayes, bub.

Piloting or poop think? You decide.

With an chance encounter, Snake bumps into (be still, heart) Taslima (Valerie Golino of Rain Man, Hot Shots!, Hotel, Caesar, Alive and In Treatment) as the two are snagged by roaming loonies not too disimilar to the cannibals in New York. Downside is they are set to be harvested for parts at the behest of the Surgeon General of Beverly Hills (Bruce Campbell of The Evil Dead, Crimewave, Mindwarp, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., Xena: Warrior Princess, Bubba Hotep and Spider-Man).

With this gaggle of goons, loons and grade A nutbars, can Plissken accomplish his mission and defeat Cuervo? Will he have to use salt and lime? Did anyone not get the tequila joke?

Okay so let's clear the air. Yeah the surfing scene looks pretty bad in green screen, sure. Yes a lot of the CGI for the helicopter was not great. Got it. Here's what I enjoyed. Characters appearing up in a John Carpenter movie.

Plissken getting into some smack down fights, underhanded gunning guys down and in general behaving like a proper antihero that he is. Russell slimmed and toned for the role so he could fit in his original costume 17 years prior.  That's some dedication.  This is also the only Carpenter sequel, Carpenter himself directed. Yeah Halloween II, Vampires: Los Muertos and the godforsaken prequel, The Thing not directed by John. Well a handful of scenes in the original Halloween II but other than that, those flicks are handled by others.

Let's see...funny trivia. Ah, both Bruce Campbell and Kurt Russell have been doubled by the bizarrely named cowboy stuntman John "Johnny" Casino. Both were also in the Disney superhero film, Sky High in spite of not having any scenes together.

This flick was stuck in development hell for over a decade. The first script commissioned was deemed too campy and was unlikely to be made until Russell told Carpenter he wanted to play Plissken again and pushed to getting it off the ground. Making only half of its budget back, 25 million to a 50 million budget, I had fun with it. Many folks complained it was too violent a movie or far too similar to the original. Aside from a handful of nitpicks, I got to see my favorite antihero back, making an impact and being a true badass.

Blam!

An Hour to Kill

How do, good people? Hope the weekend has been fun and you haven't all been bogged down with work. I got a request from The Williamson Management that brought us Dead Kansas and Syndicate Smasher and I am hardly going to turn them away for providing some unique films instead of the typical "A-List" rom coms or poorly paced dramas I am supposed to put upon a pedestal. With a mixture of drama and horror, today's movie appears to be an anthology, so let's give this a whirl. This is An Hour to Kill.

Uh oh. He must have ordered a Shirley Temple.

First off, I enjoy literal titles. Always a boon in my book. In our directing chair is Aaron K. Carter who brought us zombie POV with Dead Kansas.  A cocky young kid in a pony tail and black suit, Frankie (Frankie Pozos of LA 143 and An Hour to Kill) comes into a western themed bar with all smiles and to ask to see the manager. The cat behind the bar looks like a punk from Return of the Living Dead and Flock of Seagulls. Lot of piercings, tats and even a colored faux hawk, Vince (Vince Kelvin of Alien Shadows, An Hour to Kill and Sex, Drugs and Nasty Nell's). Little bit of chit chat establishing Frankie wants to rent the bar for a work event, and then 6 wiseguys walk into the bar, trailing one with a silver suitcase.

Frankie rambles on about his girlfriend, their issues and life in general, when a big guy in a suit, Gio (Aaron Guerrero of Dead Kansas and An Hour to Kill) sneaks in the back of the kitchen and starting whacking wise guys like he has a no bag hunting limit.  Naturally Frankie has shut up at this point because...well what do you really follow up with a massacre in the back room. "Hey man, how was your grouping? Oh, I see you managed one shot kills."

Zyklon B: Good for your pores.

Veteran Gio and rookie Frankie head out to meet with da boss after the hit went sideways. Hey I know that guy!  Mr. Kinski (Mel Novak of Game of Death, Black Belt Jones, An Eye for an Eye, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance, Syndicate Smasher and Nemesis 5: The New Model ) wants the escaped ass that wasn't blown away in the deal to go.   Kinski stresses loyalty above all things to Gio in that still threatening matter that says, "Do this or I have you put through an industrial tree shredder."

With time ticking by for the two men, Frankie and Gio start swapping tales. Frankie opens up about some confiscated items he found at an Army surplus store. Apparently we've gone from mafia hitmen to an anthology of Naxiploitation or possibly horror? This tale is called Valkyrie's Bunker.

1981, Five girls go into the woods for wild pot....yeah yeah cue the deformed slasher with a potato sack, hide made from human flesh or maybe some sports equipment. They proceed to journey into a region that hasn't been explored in some time. With a mixture of shorty shorts and short skirts, clearly these girls have done substantial hiking before. Mind you, not complaining about the view but bug bites are not going to feel nice on their legs would be my guess.

Jenna (Amanda Rau of Nowhere Girl, Living Among Us, Lost Fare, Odds Are and Legion of the Damned) seems to be the sensible one. Aida (Jola Cora of Noc, Pandemic, Lady of Lafayette, Uploaded, This is Ava and The Farm) is dragging her feet or mall walkers if you prefer. Denise (Alexya Garcia of Confessions of Isabella, Diverted Eden, An Hour to Kill and The Strange) is like totally. Yeah I couldn't resist and Heidi (Stephanie Strehlow of Devil's Domain, Crossroads, Tosh.0, An Hour to Kill and Truth or Dare).

The girls find a gully with a thoroughly tagged bunker and even come across an unopened canister of Zyklon B (a cyanide based pesticide that was... most hydrogen cyanide used for the gas chambers) and it's at this point my narrow ass would be checking out and heading home. Oh wait, because I am not made up of stupid and can find better ways to get weed.

Hmm...must avoid shooting whole wad joke.

Potential Nazi serial slasher aside, Gio and Frankie go for tacos and proceed to enjoy the hell out of it, Gio points out that Frankie needs to be more professional and less impulsive. Frankie doesn't seem to really be taking it all in so he tells a raunchy story of a burrito contest gone horribly awry.

I think Frankie needs a hobby. Maybe comic books or an RPG system.

Suffice to say this is one that has to be seen to believed.

Tacos hit Frankie's system so Gio distracts him with a tale. A tale of bowl, butchery and hogs. Hog Hunters round out the end of the anthology with some good ole boys, creeper pig farmers and a black fella I would have told to run away like his butt was on fire. This time around we have a Slaughterhouse meets The Big Lebowski vibe going. Conjure up what you will from that.

Frankie and Gio get the call the boss is in trouble and decide to spring into action.

Can the boys get back in time? Will there be another story?

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B07JMN34GR

A few additional to the cast I recognized was, the stripper DJ being the one and only Jeff Rector of Black Scorpion, Revamped, Lost in the Woods and The Admired. And yes I may have recognized from certain angles the stripper in question as Veronica Ricci of Bloody Mary 3D, Snake Club: Revenge of the Snake Women, Lizzie Borden's Revenge and Interstellar Wars.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5as7mXJPrvA&t=2s

So what to take away from all of this? Well it's odd, bizarre, graphic in spots and frankly some off the wall writing. The performances are good, the camera work is pretty impressive for a lot of handheld and overall it was nothing I expected it to be. This gave off a vibe of a grindhouse vibe without the cheesy faded film gag.  Elements that aren't normally on the menu made a decent blend.  Almost feels like a combo platter of George Romero meets Quentin Tarntino.

My Airsoft's sight is off. Cheap ass ABS plastic!

The Punisher

Okay the week has gone by. I have been away as I was tending to errands on foot so yeah a bit damn exhausted. Moving on, the following write-up will be deemed spoiler country for those that have not seen Season 2 of Daredevil. So for those of you that have not experienced this, scram. Seriously, you don't want to be drenched in spoilers. For those of you that are aware of Season 2, the highlights was Wilson Fisk in prison, the Hand making its play for New York, an old flame Elektra putting her moves on Daredevil and oh yeah, the scene stealer of that season, Frank Castle, a.k.a. The Punisher got started up on his one man war. This is The Punisher.

You sayin' you didn't like The Walking Dead?

Out of the ashes of Season 2 of Daredevil, Frank Castle (Jon Bernthal of The Class, Day Zero, Eastwick, The Walking Dead, The Wolf of Wall Street, Daredevil and Robot Chicken) is presumed dead after the explosion on the docks sinking a tanker. Yeah that old chestnut. When in fact, he's...well he's working demolition.   Eating lunch, swinging a big ass hammer (sledge not Mjolnir, that's Thor) and trying to burn through his day without remembering he has no home, wife and kids to go to.

With the help of his old Marine recon buddy, Curtis (Jason R. Moore of Kings, The Unusuals, A Lonely Place for Dying, Wed Locked and The Punisher) Frank is under an alias and trying to piece his life back until...he gets tracked or stalked if you will. Turns out Castle has a fan or accurate to say, an admirer in a similar boat. Going by the name Micro, David Lieberman (Ebon Moss-Bachrach of Damages, Higher Ground, Come Out and Play, The Last Ship, Girls, The Punisher and The Big Take) is a NSA analyst that found something he shouldn't have and faked his death to spare his family. With a wife, son and daughter to protect, Micro has kept his distance from them for their very lives.

With ranking government officials trying to keep a lid of an illegal black ops funded by the selling of heroin, this all reeks of bad.   Mind you, a CIA black ops ran on heroin shipments sounds a bit Vietnam?  Yeah, I did make that connection easily.

What? I'm an equal character and not just eye candy?

Homeland Security Special Agent Dinah Madani (Amber Rose Revah of From Paris with Love, Everywhere and Nowhere, The Bible, What Remains, Son of God, Silent Witness, Emerald City and The Punisher) lost a partner in the Middle East where this ops was happening and has yet to find any new information. While this is occurring, people are getting shot and killed or quietly removed, as someone in a position of authority is covering his ass from a massive FUBAR of mission that blew up in his face.

Micro finds Castle, threatens to leak to the world he is still alive if he doesn't play ball with him and get back on his war on crime. Yeah kids, unlike our government, Frank's war is bloody and wipes out cartels, gangs, drug kingpins and a myriad of other such criminals.  Micro is showing him how to do this a bit smarter.   Less leveling a city block with a LAW rocket and more stealth and cunning that he is completely capable doing. They are trying to piece together this Middle East mess by finding clues and people connected to it before our man in the shadows gets them.

That may trump boomstick?

Now I know the hard core Punisher fans will not fully agree with me but yeah I think Jon has done an amazing job with the character. Any built guy that can look menacing can play the badass antihero but Bernthal gets to play the grieving widower, the survivor, the badass and the complex man this being is.

Yes, yes they did away with the Vietnam era storyline because honestly a six tour vet would be in his late 70s now and yes Micro isn't a CIA analyst like in the comics. Get over it or don't.

Now we get to some spoilers. Personally I absolutely love that Billy Russo isn't some mob thug pretty boy but actually a fellow soldier that bled and fought alongside Frank. It really makes a greater impact than one mob guy in on the shoot Frank's wife and kids story-line. Instead, we have two soldiers, brothers-in-arms trying to get back to normal life after their tours. Both realize they will never be the men they were and have to be the men that were molded into.

FYI parents, this is bloody, violent and yes there will be colorful metaphors. Or swearing like sailors if you prefer. It's your judgement call on sharing this with the kiddies.

Once again, this series follows its Netflix predecessors in the same MCU timeline and series but as we all knew it was going to be guns blazing, skulls cracking and blades gutting. C'mon, it's the fricking Punisher for crying out loud!

Seeing some familar faces like Deborah Ann Woll reprising Karen Page, C. Thomas Howell, Mary Elizabeth Mastranto and Rob Morgan coming back as Turk. Seriously, I almost feel bad for Turk. Daredevil has smacked him around, Cage has bounced him like a tennis ball but Castle? Yeesh, Castle will probably feed him his own balls.

After seeing the series all the way through, I honestly hope for a continuation, but does Frank have that great of luck? We'll just have to wait and see. 

Next time on Taxi Cab Confessionals...