Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell

What do you say, kiddies? Well after Grindsploitation 8 a.k.a. Drive-In Grindhouse, I was itching for some schlocky Horror. So looking into the 90s for an obscure horror film, I will pitch the following: What do you get when you mix a pinch of Slumber Party Massacre, a dash of Evil Dead then whip to a blend of horror, action and comedy? This is Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell a.k.a. Uncle Ray's Cabin.

They primp and crimp so they may screw like rabbits.

Brought to us by American Cinema Marketing (Ghostkeeper, Moonstalker, Syngenor, Loose Ends, The Lords of Magick and The Devil Wears White) so this could go either way. They are also responsible for distribution of Hobgoblins so yeah, this might sting a bit.

So a gaggle of sorority girls go with some boys to a cabin in the woods. Yeah cause it worked so well for Bruce Campbell. Unbeknownst to them a killer breaks free from his bonds (probably due to skeleton crew or piss poor budgeting) and no Dr. Loomis in sight to tell us how he is composed of pure evil. Shot at the poorly named Mt. Baldy California, with lush campgrounds, forests for getting lost while barely clothed and easily teleporting serial killers, yeah you can do a slasher film up there.

OMG, director! the cameraman's zooming on my cleavage again.

An archeologist looks to unearth the remains of an ancient Native American tribe because (Say it with me) "It belongs in a museum!" So Not Dr. Jones gets reminded by a retiree the dead deserve their rest and to not tamper in God's domain, throw it Crazy Ralph's "It's got a death curse!" and you will still be ignored. Apparently these cats only listen to someone with two or three PhDs.

During the same time, a group of convicts are working a chain gang assignment. Oil and fire shall now commence. More like happenstance; as a busty girl on a bicycle might be distracting, long enough for a prison break. With two prison guards getting the business end of shovels, the break looks promising. Alas one guard was packing an M-16 and mullets start getting shot up. Yeah I haven't seen that many mullets outside of a Wal-Mart at three in the morning. Said perky girl Denise (Stacey Lynn of Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell and Breakfast in Bed) is blissfully unaware of the road gang carnage and to be fair, just because she had a smoking hot body, doesn't excuse the guards from not paying attention to their job.

Belinda(Dori Courtney of Tango & Cash, Mob Boss, Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell and Camp Fear) and Mary Anne (Deborah Dutch of Hard to Die,976-Evil II, Divorce Law, Dinosaur Island, Bikini Witness, Dances with Werewolves and Meathook Massacre II) planned and arranged everything so they are good to go for the party after finals. Ew except Sara (Lynette McBrearty of Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell), she's a NEEEERRRRDDDDD!!!! Oh 90s, I hardly miss you. Don't worry my sexist oinker male readers, the ladies have clearly signed as I like to call it, "The Linnea Quigley School of Nudity Clause" So too much storyline and character development getting you down? Oh look! Bewbs. You're welcome. On a serious note, that was a lot of tan lines. A night of booze, boys and basic debauchery awaits them if only it wasn't for these pesky subplots.

Table Dancing!  $10

Stock footage of Marine helicopters come the woods and residing highways looking for the last hockey hair felon. Yeah it looks near bulletproof so head shots are a no go.

Professor "I Spit on the Ancient Gods" unleashes something dark in the woods, hungry for young flesh. Well enough of that, let's check on our Crazy Ralph substitute. Uncle Ray!

Uncle Ray (Douglas Koth of Critters, Checking Out, Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell and Equal Justice) is just a day away from crawling inside a whiskey barrel and not facing the world. But having his face morphed into a near terror mask while he serves a talking cave fresh blood is something that does not commonly come up in conversation. Oh Uncle Ray? Yeah he got warped by an evil, sentient cave and is doomed to roam the Earth in search of blood. Pass the potatoes, please?

You get the overall vibe of the movie. Slasher and creature horror, soft porn situations, some less than stellar dialogue with humor as well. Maybe it is the line delivery. Maybe I have seen too many films of this particular ilk. (Ilk, not a big deer) I am not certain but I can say it was diverting, silly and a little bit campy. Clearly the creator did not want to take this completely seriously. I mean just look at the title alone. Very tongue in cheek but I was wondering why the unrequited love between frat bros Skip and Steve was never to be. They seem damn near murderous when spying on Belinda and her new guy. Seriously, they were mere hours away from going to the hardware store for chainsaws and hedge clippers.

The creature SFX is fair. No it's not Rick Baker quality and yeah I can tell there is a lot of rubber that poor guy was sweltering in but honestly, they tried. They looked at this goofy script and went, "Yeah, I think I can make this happen." Ballsy.

Where else are you going to find a monster working for a talking cave? The cave demands more blood!

Beyond Botox!!!

The Death Factory Bloodletting

Well it is time. The time where I find an obscure film to talk about and it scars you; the reader to the very psyche and chills you to your bone marrow.   Or what commonly happens, you message the crap out of me asking where this stupid film is so you can have a drinking game theme night about this dumb flick.   Either way, something or someone is punished. This cinematic creation may very well be an abomination in the eyes God and humanity or it could be pleasantly terrifying.   So today's film is a sequel to a Brad Sykes film (Death Factory, Camp Blood, Camp Blood 2, Bloody Tease, Within the Woods and Mutation) that I reviewed in 2012. I guess we are due. This is Death Factory Bloodletting.

Oh yeah, he's stoned.

Wouldn't you know it, we got alternative titles such as: Necrophobic and Demons. So right off from the start, we have a found footage staple from one of the survivors Ana (Claudia Vargas of R.E.M., Yesterday's Tomorrow, Machined Reborn and R.E.M. 2) giving us details of what happened six months prior. Deep in the Carter Brick Factory (decommissioned in 2005) lurks an evil so sinister, it has to be kept from prying eyes of the public. Homelessness!!! GASP!

Well, we have about 5 folks down on their luck when we have a lad resembling Christ or Charles Manson minus swastika carved in his head, passing out sandwiches and being wholesome until he comes across a needle clearly not for insulin shots.   Denny (Noah Todd of Groom Lake, Ingenious, Trade In, The Prometheus Project, King's Man and Exit to Hell) then proceeds to smoke them like swiss cheese. So junkies dispatched and a baby abducted, our Christian soldier presses on. Hmm, not sure if you should carry the word of God through a frickin' 9mm! I could be wrong.

Don't worry for the little one. Alexa needs to feed. Yup it's significantly darker than Death Factory within the first 6 minutes. Yes mothers reading this, there wasn't any graphic business with the baby but it was clear Alexa was not snuggling him.   So, Alexa from the first movie has apparently survived from the exploits of the original film but has undergone a timelady regeneration and is not Tiffany Shepis but now Michelle Mousel of The Death Factory Bloodletting. Given Ms. Shepis is a mom these days, just might explain why she is not back for the sequel.  Moving on.

Um...dat ass?

We cut to the months later, in same elaborate factory with a girl in her panties, chained to the floor. Yeah I am not writing some sadomasochistic erotica, just giving you what is on the screen. Denny is watching her on this jury rigged series of screens and cameras. Pretty sure he is wanking in his control booth but that is just a theory mind you. The girl simply subtitled as "The Object" (Shareese Hegna of The Death Factory Bloodletting and Executioner) wakes up to an ear splitting sound and almost completely naked. Soooo, roofies and Yoko Uno?

Handcuffed to a chain, my head is screaming dislocate your thumb and free yourself but there I go thinking again. The further thought was how did she get abducted in the first place but again probably mixed drink mishap.  Guessing her occupation might be street walker but I shouldn't pass judgement. Shockingly enough, Alexa gets her pound of flesh and the girl is no more. Denny appears to be a radical Christian using Alexa as a weapon of righteous cruelty. Probably firebombs free clinics to stop the "baby killers" as well. A real charmer this guy.

Deviants run rampant in the world and they choose a time and place to gather to revel in their sadism. Back to Ana present day. As she is apparently cooking Oxi into dosages to shoot up. Um you can swallow those as well. In their pill form. Just a thought.

Neo Nazi and Black Militant. Keepin' it real.

Ana goes on about the weird violent deaths around town, bodies mutilated to levels that would make a seasoned cop violently projectile vomit. She is documenting in detail how in twelve hours she will be taken to a location to view a ritualistic killing known as a blood letting of a unknown girl simply referred as "The Object". Hey wait, that already happened. Wow you got screwed on your viewing. Seeing this is word of mouth, it is a better than good chance you cannot see this on Pay-Per-View so I guess attendance is mandatory.  That also throws DVR out the window too.  Independent investigation has lead Ana to a dark website known only as The Gore House. The IP address cannot be accessed so she can't forward anything to the cops I guess. Pretty sure the FBI would be looking into this if you give them the research material.  She uses this false identity, Massive 9 as means to find the man who killed her daughter.   Her only lead is a man known as Rubber Love.

After a near creeper interaction and payment she is whisked away to an unknown location. A gathering of perverts and fruit loops attending the event are all duct taped and zip tied awaiting our hostmaster and each of these individuals are going by an anonymity for the prestigious affair.

So we have a Neo Nazi White Manson with rape fetish, underground fights and snuff films, a dom Gretel and her sub Hansel diddle in places humans have died, a sex pervert that looks like he works in a cubicle Rubber Love, a pedophile, a nerdy guy/bomb nut calling himself Cockmaster,  a tough black kid , Black Johnson from the streets that does white slave trading, Ana and a dingy blond fantasy fetish girl. Mouseketeers sign off! 

 Did I mention Rotten Reelz Reviews does not hand out barf buckets? They're $29.99 plus shipping and handling. Yeah 5 minutes of exposition pretty much leads me to believe they are pretty much scum.

Twist! The only blood these sickos will be enjoying caking against the walls will be their own.

As the zoo crew sits in for the evening's festivities, they realize the warehouse is sealed, the walls have cameras, there is a crew with guns and there is no viable way out.

On a personal note, I did not think a sequel could be made from Death Factory and this certainly is not what I would have expected as a follow-up to a slasher character made by bad science. With the exception of Ana, you really kind of want to see Alexa kill and gut these folk.

That being said, it is nowhere near as violent, graphic or even disturbing visually. This is more or less a psychological thriller delving into the inner most perversion that the mind and body can conjure without showing it in graphic detail. Kind of clever pitching monsters as your victims and really the only one you want to escape is Ana with her Rubber Love prize in the hopes she blows his damn head off and avenges her late daughter.

Writer Mike Marsh (Death of a Ghost Hunter, The Death Factory Bloodletting and The Great American Snuff Film) and writer/director Sean Tretta (Devil's Night, 12 Monkeys Death of a Ghost Hunter and Mayan M.C.) create a hellish tale of a gathering of evil being wiped out by something equally or greater in its malicious nature. About the immoral and wicked being systematically snuffed out for their atrocious behavior towards their fellow humanity. To know once and for all what it is to be a victim. It is nefarious, dark and clever.

Rather than the antihero vigilante wiping them out with guns, adamantium claws or a penance stare and hellfire, we have a victim made killer due to her nature being completely altered. Not sure it is for everyone as I pointed out earlier, but it definitely raised the bar in some decent gore effects, great simple location and just putting on of the thinking cap for ideas of terror.

Can't say I know anyone this would appeal to, offhand but it's out there for someone's viewing pleasure.

O.M.G. Soooo bored!

Party Bus To Hell

How do all. I am back and got a film that has a weird controversy. Some claim it, a return to horror from the seventies, building up tension and fear. Others claim it, to be a full blown jiggly girl fest, pointless and a waste of time. The most common "critic" response is, "One star for the movie is too good for it or overrated." So you know what? I am going to give this flick a lookyloo, see what works and what doesn't and try to give it a fair assessment. This is Party Bus to Hell.

Oh God...who broccoli beefed in here?

First off, enough with the Tara Reid anorexic jokes. 1) Not particularly funny 2) Not remotely original 3) that woman is always active, so yes she has maintained her weight.

Now that is tended to, on with the show!!! Our movie opens with Darby,the hippy attired (Tara Reid of The Big Lebowski, American Pie, Van Wilder: Party Liason, Alone in the Dark, Scrubs, Incubus, Last Call and Sharknado) and this Slash/BeeGees hybrid are fleeing for their lives...or has the desert gone to their heads? Who knows??? With some quick snappy back and forth banter, not everything is...as it appears.

Director/writer Rolfe Kanefsky (You Only Live Until You Die, Sex Files: Alien Erotica, Tomorrow by Midnight, Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle Pie, Nightmare Man, Sorority Slaughterhouse and The Black Room) has clearly had to good film projects to the soft-core porn projects to the finding the decent capital raising projects. This is clearly his baby and Ms. Reid is backing it or found folk to back it.

Yes, Jeff Bridges constantly smells like sandalwood.

Cut to Lara Swit (Stefani Blake of Reverse, Vice Squad: NYC, Vice Squad: Las Vegas, Vice Squad: L.A., Vice Squad: Dallas and Vice Squad: Chicago), a girl gone hitchhiking that lucked out that her pervy driver started to put moves on her after they arrived in Vegas. Seriously, one wrong placed word and her ass could have been just left on the I-15, with no water, provisions or even sunscreen. A tour bus appears to be heading for The Burning Man event and Lara is kicking it around when Tour Bus driver, Joan (Sadie Katz of Hidden Treasures, House of Bad, Scorned, Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort, Grindsploitation, Blood Feast and Unreported) tells Lara it's all good in the hood and jump on board. No, she didn't say that verbatim.

With a bus load of twenty somethings looking to party, get high, drunk and laid, this seems like the bus for those very activities and all seems pretty bouncing. We've got a bluesy almost AC/DC, Steely Dan vibe with writer/singer David Rosen singing the title.

Alright, so the big complaint most folk are having, both male and female alike is topless scenes in under 5 minutes of viewing. Okay, clearly you haven't suffered a Jesus Franco's a minute and 12 fully nude scene and those are his soft-core films.

Hey Mummy! You're getting a bit close to Zombie Lake offenses!

Look, I get that its seems a bit odd these girls are taking clothes off left and right on a bus full of strangers... have you journeyed beyond your local Piggly Wiggly and/or Hardware Hank's?    Burning Man is Spring Break for those that feel like they are outcasts, nutters, cosplayers, costume designers and in general, a little kooky. Yeah topless is the least of your concern.

Looks a lot like Valley of Fire Nevada. It's about 60 miles Northeast of Las Vegas and is part of the Mojave Desert. This has been: Fun Film Facts with Jake!!!

With no bars for the smart phones (Yeah that gem never gets tiresome) and bus driver Joan AWOL, the party starts to think something is amiss.  But y'know...party and boobs!!!

Night collapsed rather than fell and it's the middle of the night still at least another 6 hours from the festival as "Joan" told the partiers she took a short cut to get good time. So unless you are a boy scout, brownie, have a compass, map or GPS...you're boned.

Next thing we know, nutters in black robes and cloaks appear and I am pretty sure they aren't AAA. Turns out those hiding on the bus are just in time for human sacrifice night at the Sizzler (Yes, that is an MST3K joke of yesteryear) so now we got a hooded goofball channeling Papa Jupiter via The Hills Have Eyes and a smidgen of The Devil's Rejects.

Behold, the terror that is...liturgical dance?

So options? Stay on the bus and remain on guard until we starve.   Get off the bus and go in a direction in the hopes you make it back to Vegas before dehydration or starve.   My personal favorite, stop bitching, work together and maybe get out alive.    Option #3.    It ain't even an option.

So this is perhaps a crazy cult or religious sect. Hell for all I know, they were on a bus to a maximum security wing to the whacko basket.   Point is there is a lot more of them, they're armed and completely bat shit crazy.   Hey, how about some main protagonist back story???  Nope.    You want to know, go watch the flick.

What did I take away from this? Tara was clearly having a blast, this crew was fun and it was nice to see girls kicking some serious ass alongside the guys.

This feels like a throwback to Jack Starrett's 1975 Race with the Devil, a touch of Don Sharp's The Death Wheelers a.k.a. Psychomania and filmed on that same damn stretch of road a certain Wes Craven, The Hills Have Eyes were captured.

Okay yes there is a fair degree of nudity. This is also a Horror movie. Planning on sitting down with Grandma and Grandpa for this one, were you? This is a direct product of trying to get more out of your exploitation film like in the late 60s to early 80s.    It's graphic, silly, cannibalistic and downright absurd.   That folks, is the whole point.

Sure hope my night doesn't get too crazy.

 

Chainsaw Cheerleaders

We are back in action, my friends. To those of you that requested this next movie, I have one question. "Why?" Look we all know I have sat through my fair share of horror films but come on! This is a Donald Farmer flick.  The guy that brought you such titles like: Vampire Cop, Demolition Highway, Space Kid and An Erotic Vampire in Paris.  Yeah not too pleased but let's get through this magnum opus and hope for the best.  This is Chainsaw Cheerleaders.

Attack of the Cheerleader clones!!!

Gonna say right off the bat, I do not recognize the cast aside from the vivacious Tiffany Shepis (Death Factory, Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle Pie, Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp, Devils Moon and Victor Crowley) Troma Scream Queen Debbie Rochon (Hellblock 13, Dead Clowns, In the Woods, Bikini Bloodbath, Splatter Disco, A Feast of Flesh and Nun of That) and Jim O'Rear (The Vampyre Wars, Hayride Slaughter, Charlie and Sadie, The Legacy, The Dead Matter, Resurrection and Stephen King's The Boogeyman), so this could be trouble.

The opening title shots looks like the beginning to a porno (Not that I would ever lower myself to watching such) with chainsaws, some mild public domain techno rock mix, hard bodied teens glistening with sweat, close up pans on lips getting licked so subtlety is right out the window.

Firstly, Dawn (Michele Grey of The Green Room, Plague of the Damned, Love Fever, Lucidity, The Alantan and Unravelled) a chainsaw brandishing cheerleader gives us some narrative.

Tiffany may have accidentally killed this girl. Not sure.

500 years prior, enter Lucinda (Tiffany Shepis) rocking a peasant gown out in a park er um ancient pathway to the king's court. As she torments her chosen victim with...a CGI creature and a large ceremonial knife. With a bit of heart or rather a lot of it, two robed monks interrupt Lucinda's ceremony and thwart her wicked ways with cleansing fire...for now.

Modern day, it looks like we entered a flea market uh that is, occult store. Yeah that's it. Getting items for the upcoming Macbeth high school play with creeper shopkeeper Angelique as we fade into Dawn and her boyfriend Dax (Christopher Shaw of Chainsaw Cheerleaders)apparently making a VHS nudie tape of them getting fleshy. VHS for that? Damn hipsters!

A gaggle of girls.

Mom (Susan Delmonico of The Green Room, Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Shrimp Crawl and Hamlet & Hutch) and Dad (Writer/director Donald Farmer of Vampire Cop, Red Lips, Red Lips II, Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat, Body Shop and Dorm of the Dead)are none to pleased with young Dawn and are laying down the law. Dawn storms out of the house, bumps into her friend Sarah who informs her that Dax has moved on according to rumor. Yup, the hits keep on coming.

Bumping into our less than thinking lad and his new conquest, Dawn handles this problem as only a young, delicate flower of a girl can. By kneeing his marbles and smashing his nose with her combat boots.

Guidance Counseling: After Dark.

With the threat looming of assault charges, Mom and Dad want Dawn to see the school  headshrinker/guidance counselor Dr. Lacey (Debbie Rochon) who FYI, kinda smoking hot in glasses. Her suggestion is something peppy for our little angry Goth girl like cheerleader camp. 

Hmm Bloody Pom Poms joke or Cheerleader Camp: To The Death joke?

The saw is the law, bub.

Anywho, Dawn is whisked away for that very mind numbing activity. Apparently the cheerleader group is the Village of the Damned with all the blondes of Chassy (Jackey Hall of Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Chrome Angels, Biohazard: Patient Zero and The Invited), Ciara (Ciara Richards of Demon Sight, Dorm of the Dead, Chainsaw Cheerleaders, and La Premiere) and Jessica (Rabecca Lee of Chainsaw Cheerleaders). Ugh. Main protagonist narrative throughout film... Oh God, did I slip in an Uwe Boll movie by accident??

The trio of the damned (yup still making the Village reference) send Dawn to sell a magazine subscription as she just so happens to find the creeper demon worshiping crowd.

Shop owner Angelique (Ana Xaden of Chainsaw Cheerleaders) is bringing Lucinda back through a portal from Hell, maybe a Sliders portal, rift in the space time continuum. Hell, I don't know. All I know is Tiffany is still rocking the peasant gown.

Plot holes around Dr. Lacey sends a horny guy away that ruined the tawdry naughtiness to be had so she had to resort to her B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) that is going places only your lover and gynecologist ventures, ladies.  Yeah. Yeah.  We are not privy to those in depth shots.  Apparently good taste prevails.   Pretty sure the breast augments cost more than the flick's budget.

Can team spirit prevail??? Will the girls fend off the evil witch???

Practical effects are fairly solid for a smaller budget. There is decent blood spatter, gore effects, monster appliances are well done. The sound quality tends to pop a bit transitioning from scene to scene and we have some out of focus shots where not all of the actors were deemed worthy of being captured.

Michelle Grey and Tiffany Shepis put in a solid performance. Absolutely loved Debbie Rochon's no nonsense character so overall it is a serious note but yeah I can't say I was blown away by the film. Not bad but not good. Sort of a middle of the road... a road inhabited by supernatural entities and cheerleaders.

I did laugh when Klove (Rudy Ownbey of Chainsaw Cheerleaders) was a mindless slave. Wasn't Klove the name of Patrick Troughton in Scars of Dracula? 

Well she's no Juliet Starling, but acceptable.

Horror I Have Missed: Friday the 13th

Hey folks and welcome back to the Aimless Adulteration. Given it is Friday the 13^th I always make a big production of whatever stills I have on hand and give you all a Happy Friday the 13^th reference here and there but this time around I noticed something vital. Ya see long before the resurrections, zombification or even the potato sack days, Jason was a deformed boy that was mocked and picked on by the kids of the camp. His mother Pamela was the cook at Camp Crystal Lake and his father was nowhere to be found. Then one day he was out in the lake and he drown. You think that may have had some repercussions. This is the original Friday the 13^th.

Got..something..itching my throat.

Fresh off of Here Come the Tigers and Manny's Orphans director/producer Sean Cunningham (The Last House on the Left, Case of the Full Moon Murders, Here Come the Tigers, Manny's Orphans, The New Kids, House, House II: The Second Story, DeepStar Six, The Horror Show and Terminal Invasion) and writer Victor Miller (The Black Pearl, Manny's Orphans, Friday the 13^th, A Stranger Is Watching, Another World, Guiding Light and All My Children) are peddling Manny's Orphans but there is no guarantee on whether it will be a hit and when the residual checks will start happening so what do you do?

Not so footloose now, are ya?

Well you hook up with FX and SFX make-up artist/stuntman/actor guru Tom Savini (Dead of Night,Martin, Dawn of the Dead, Maniac, Eyes of a Stranger, The Burning, The Prowler, Nightmare, Midnight, Day of the Dead and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2) fresh off of Romero's Martin, get some Karo Syrup, food dye, a few tricked out weapon props and some fresh faces to be butchered. So the summer of 1979 with gore gags planned and plenty of dribbly blood at the ready, our cast and crew set off to make some records...okay they didn't know that a half million dollar budgeted slasher film was going to launch several sequels, give Paramount a substantial paycheck and would be loved for multiple generations.

So let's set the story shall we? An ambitious young man Steve Christy (Peter Brouwer of Love of Life, Friday the 13^th, As the World Turns, One Life to Live, All My Children, Arthur and Person of Interest) decides to buy up the property of Camp Crystal Lake and get this camp back up to specs for kids to come out for the summer and get out of their parents' hair and maybe learn a few things about the wild.

His counselors/clean-up crew consists of: easy going Jack (Kevin Bacon of Animal House, Footloose, Quicksilver, She's Having a Baby, Tremors, Flatliners, Queens Logic, JFK, A Few Good Men, Wild Things and Stir of Echoes), wise cracking smart ass Ned (Mark Nelson of Friday the 13^th, Bloodhounds of Broadway, The Seventh Coin, The First Wives Club, Suddenly Susan, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Spin City and Law & Order: Criminal Intent) good girl Alice (Adrienne King of Inherit the Wind, Between the Lines, Saturday Night Fever, Hair, What's Eating Gilbert Grape and All American Bully), sweet Marcie (Jeannie Taylor of Friday the 13^th and The Royal Romance of Charles and Diana), no nonsense Brenda (Laurie Bartram of Another World, Emergency!, The House of Seven Corpses and Friday the 13^th) and cool and collective Bill (Harry Crosby of Riding for the Pony Express, Friday the 13^th, The Private History of a Campaign That Failed, Double Trouble and Hollow Venus: Diary of a Go-Go Dancer). The spunky cook, Annie (Robbi Morgan of What's the Matter with Helen?, Friday the 13^th, Forbidden Love, The Fall Guy, I Married a Centerfold, Dutch Hollow and The Sub) didn't know the dangers of hitchhiking or Camp Crystal Lake.

Whaddua mean I look like John Holmes in a yellow slicker?

Thankfully we get the first appearance of Crazy Ralph (Walt Gorney of Heavy Traffic, Cops and Robbers, King Kong, Day of the Animals, Nunzio, Friday the 13^th, Endless Love, Trading Places, Easy Money, Seize the Day and Friday the 13^th Part VII: The New Blood) who creepily warns her of the impeding doom of Camp Crystal Lake and really got his message out.

Slowly but surely, the cast starting getting weeded out like so much chaff from the wheat but on this dark and stormy night, it is not uncommon for the phones to be down, or the generator to suddenly stop working or the cast to separate like the herd of derp they have become.

Is there a smart one among them? Will sex, drugs and booze assure their tombstones?? Who is the killer??

Really a quick trip to the local library (No Google then, the savages) would have pointed out issues of Camp Blood as the was a boy that drowned in the lake in 1957, some counselors that were murdered in 1958, unexplained fires and even an attempt to reopen the camp in 1962, the water was bad. That last one is vague. Algae perhaps? Rivers of blood? Dead bodies floating to the surface? That stinky smell of dead raccoon?

Any rate to point out the impact this film had is YET ANOTHER remake, reboot, re-imagining is trying to go under way for 2017 after the less than satisfactory remake in 2009 with a failed concept by then Tommy Jarvis (Corey Feldman of Friday the 13^th Part 4: The Final Chapter) who stated he wanted to have a match of of Jason vs Jarvis and that was in talks and develop since 2012 and went nowhere. Apparently fans begged for this and Feldman felt obligated to at least try. Sorry Corey, guess the studio didn't see it the magnum opus that Freddy vs Jason was.   Gah, what a unflushable turd that flick managed to be.

Ax her anything, she won't respond. 

Post Apocalyptia Italianio: 2020 Texas Gladiators

Hey all! Welcome back for Day 3 of Post Apocalyptia Italianio. Well I am finally done it. Thanks to the former horrors of epinions, I purposely am watching a Joe D' Amato film. Who you may ask? Okay, just pretend you asked because I sit through some really crappy flicks for your reading and listening pleasure! Why, writer/director/producer such scintilating picturesque pleasures like: (God Is My Colt .45, Heroes in Hell, Black Cobra Woman, Emanuelle in Bangkok, Sexy Nights of the Living Dead, Antropophagus, Porno Holocaust, Ator, the Fighting Eagle, The Blade Master a.k.a. Cave Dwellers and of course Gangland Bangers) and today he has his fingers deep within... post-apocalypse. Sheesh, pervs. This is 2020 Texas Gladiators.

They drew First Blood, not me.

So minute in and we have some collective of sweaty shirtless guys stealthily killing off a bunch of mud crusted crazed college kids in order to save a girl, nun and a priest. Turns out this team is actually coordinating as a whole. Team leader Nisus (Al Cliver of Black Emmanuelle White Emmanuelle, Rulers of the City, Zombi, Devil Hunter, The Black Cat, The Beyond, 2020 Texas Gladiators and Endgame- Bronx lotta finale), Halakron (Peter Hooten of Sunburst, A Woman for All Men, Orca, The Inglorious Bastards, The Fifth Commandment, Dr. Strange TV movie, The Soldier, Brothers in Blood and House of Blood) pretty boy Catch Dog (Daniel Stephen of 2020 Texas Gladiators, Warrior of the Lost World, War Bus, Three Supermen in Santo Domingo and The Inheritor) jokester Jab (Harrison Muller of 2020 Texas Gladiators, She, The Violent Breed and the Final Executioner) and Asian martial artist bad ass Red Wolfe (Hal Yamanouchi of Hunter of the Apocalypse. 2020 Texas Gladiators, 2019: After the Fall of New York, Phantom of Death, Robot Jox, The Way Back and The Wolverine).

Ugh, did I get shoehorned in as a love interest!?!

 So after the girl is being jumped, the priest has been crucified and the nun slashed her own throat, our boys spring into action. Bit uh, a bit slow there fellas. What happened? Damodar from Dungeons & Dragons was issuing orders with slow, precise clipped comments? Managing to save the girl, Catch Dog thinks he'll get some fun time but is almost immediately kicked in the ribs and sent out to leave the group. The girl Maida (Sabrina Siani of White Cannibal Queen, Daughter of the Jungle, Ator, the Fighting Eagle, The Throne of Fire and Black Cobra) after being almost savaged by Catch Dog, is dare I say a tad too trusting with Nisus's crew but agrees to show them her settlement of THE FUTURE... and apparently they just now live, work and breed in this settlement?? Seriously no explanation, fade to black wipe with a six months later tag or anything. They are just working on a chemical power plant and wear proper clothes again.

Carl, did you beef?

The chemical plant is laid siege with Catch Dog being a creepy henchman to The Black One... a bald white guy. See if it was the Dark One I could see he is malefic or heartless but naming a pasty white guy the Black One (Donald O' Brien of The Train, Run, Man, Run, Grand Prix, The Name of the Rose,Ghosthouse, Quest for the Mighty Sword a.k.a. Troll 4 and Frankenstein 2000) is a bit odd. His group of black clad Neo Nazis proceed to raise some hell and it is at this point, I just checked out. Mentally I was off in my own little warm oasis. Native Americans dispatching Neo Nazis which... was actually rather cool now I think about it, and yet at least 4 more implied or topless rape scenes. Exploitation goddesss Geretta Geretta (2020 Texas Gladiators, Warrior of the Lost World, Rats: Night of Terror, Demons, Buy & Cell, Shocking Dark a.k.a. The Terminator 2 and Sweets and Treats) does make an appearance but alas no speaking role.

No sooner did this composure sound familiar I ran to IMDB and beheld what had came to pass. Composer Carlo Maria Cordio (Absurd a.k.a. Zombie 6 Monster Hunter, Pieces, Ator, the Fighting Eagle, Endgame- Bronx lotta finale, The Lone Runner, Iron Warrior, Killing Birds a.k.a. Zombi 5- Killing Birds, Touch of Death, Shocking Dark a.k.a. The Terminator 2 and Midnight Ride) sythesizer magics, electric drums and electro funk sounds have graced my ears in some really trashy and tasteless flicks to which I thought, "Huh, well at least the soundtrack is good."

All in all, I was not a fan. There is next to no plot, the characters are not given enough time to develop as they are being wiped out left and right and the dubbing is probably so far off what the film was to be. Lifted Russian Roulette down to the lighting, tight zooms and attitude straight from the Deer Hunter. Things like continuity and proper transition, meh those just waste time. Hell I don't even have a proper timeline log. So yeah if you need your action/sci-fi post-apocalypse without any real effort, then folks you are in good hands. Usually a Joe D' Amato film offers some semblance of a story but not this turd waffle.

That's not Megaweapon!!!  BOOOOO!!!!

Reader's Request: Samurai Cop

Okay after a few weeks of prying ideas out of my readers I finally got a request. Let me say offhand I was probably better off reviewing the Barely Legal Zombi Sequel Zombie 7. Yup the turd waffle I have been asked to give the once over was directed by Amir Shervan (The Owner of Hell, Young Rebels, Hollywood Cop, Killing American Style and Gypsy) so clearly if these titles are to go on, we are in good hands. This is Samurai Cop.

Leave my wig alone!!!!!

Meet Joe Marshall (Matt Karedas of American Revenge, Samurai Cop and JAG) a bad ass cop from San Diego brought in especially to rid the streets of the Yakuza in L.A. His partner Frank Washington (Mark Frazer of Another World, Hunter, Samurai Cop and Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman) who is clearly only two day from retirement working side by side against the Japanese underworld. Our oyabun, Fujuyama (Cranston Komuro of Samurai Cop) feathers his mullet with cocaine distribution, racketeering and protection. And any of you Segal fans out there will love the bad guy discussion/exposition about Joe as apparently he studied under the sword masters (or kengou) in Japan(didn't bother to give a location in Japan so we will say Tokyo for lazy writing's sake) and he is deemed a samurai.  Main henchman or Wakagashira Yamashita (Robert Z'Dar of Maniac Cop, Tango & Cash, Maniac Cop 2, Soultaker, The Final Sanction, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, American Chinatown, Future War and Hollywood Cops) feels threatened by Joe's mere existence and vows to Mullet oyabun he will dispatch Joe.

Being a samurai cop does take it out of you but fortunately Joe is no slacker. With his tactical genius of yelling at his partner to shoot, shoot, shoot and shoot during a high speed chase to his ability to inform anything with a vagina to will herself to “keep it warm” and to wait for him, it is no wonder the ladies love him. Traffic cop/helicopter spotter/patrol cop/love interest Peggy (Melissa Moore of Sorrority House Massacre II, Vice Academy 2, Vampire Cop, Hard to Die, Angelfist, Bikini Drive-In and Hellborn) is...so frickin' one dimensional I think the writer forgot to give her a motivation or back story. I know how she looks topless and in a thong but not much else. Seriously, other than her physical attributes, I know next to nothing about this character.

Uh-oh, that three bean salad is repeating...

Racist to Costa Ricans and Japanese a plenty, with cheeseball lines and music that sounds like it was lifted from Mega Man 2 or Jan Hammer's Miami Vice soundtracks. It varied to a degree. A degree is something our heroes seem to lack, along with procedures, basic Miranda rights and extreme use of violence on the job. Frank just straight clips a guy in the shoulder while Joe lops the arm off another guy holding a gun on them. Who needs pesky crap like search warrants, search and seizure when you can simply apologize for entering a house without just cause. Just on their shots fired forms in less than a week they would still be looking at those stacks.

I kinda got the vibe that Amir rented Lethal Weapon 2, decided to duplicate it and dropped the ball. Paintballs work just as good when you don't have squibs, right? I imagine they hurt about the same. Composer Alan DerMarderosian chimes with a background like: (Hobgoblins,Vice Academy, Mind Trap, Devil Rider, Red Room, High Kicks and Good Girls Don't) so his tunes are...very motley. The dubbing was the most painful as some actors were not able to come in for ADR (automated dialogue replacement) so at least 4 cops had the same voice. Not even a different inflection of the voice or alternative take, just that one voice. As many guys went flying through glass I expected to hear either a Goofy or a Whilhelm scream (stock sound effect used in more than 220 film and TV).   The most painful thing about this movie is the exposure.  Not noticing that lighting looks different throughout the day, this car chase started at 8 in the morning and apparently finished at 5 in the afternoon.  Also our bad guys only operate during the day.  Cause they are nine to fivers or someone didn't have access to some basic portable flood lamps at night.  60 bucks a pop, dude!  Hell borrow my lantern flood lamp, at least you could shoot AT NIGHT!!!!

Matt's line delivery felt awkward until you find out he got called in 6 months later to shoot additional scenes later on with his hideous wig. It turns out he was staring at a couple of lamps, they were not well-synced and he looks like a doofus spouting his dialogue attempting to be suave sounding confused. The lovely lady wig they gave him bounces through several times you can play a drinking game on his wig or real hair shots. I caution you, your liver may get pissed at you.

So this is Lethal Weapon on a nickel and dime budget, with no real retakes, time or money to consider. We are in the barren lands of indy film that paid as they went. The best part of this movie is they are taking it so seriously with the horrific dialogue, locations and car chases. The police department looks like a telemarketing center and the boss's digs looks like a split level house my aunt and uncle bought complete with the thick baize carpeting.   The only legitimate Hollywood stable is Carlos and Charlie's a restaurant on Sunset Blvd.  Ahh, Sunset Boulevard, something else I could be watching.   Remember kids, Katana means Japanese Sword (no it doesn't. That is nihonto).

Not Michael Winslow.

Sequels Rebound: Slumber Party Massacre III

Welcome back for Day 2 of Sequels Rebound and let me just say that I have not found any gems thus far. Well for this continuation we had an insane mental patient with a power drill fetish, an Andrew Dice Clay Freddy Kruger hybrid dream demon and now...even less connection to the original other than our psycho uses a giant post hole digger drill. Yes let us join Jackie Cassidy and her friends at what may be the last slumber party of their lives. This is Slumber Party Massacre III.

Gee, I wonder what the guy's intentions are?

Jackie Cassidy (Keely Christian of A Brand New Life, Married with Children, Hollywood Boulevard II, Growing Pains, Charles in Charge and Earth Angel) invites her girlfriends after playing on the beach to her parents' house. Mom and Dad are away which means...SLUMBER PARTY!!!! As depicted by writer Catherine Cyran (writing research conducted by a 12 year old boy), the girls want to bring booze, food and public domain tunes rule! Shockingly enough even at a slumber party there lies in await a pooper for said party.

Bent on destruction, murder and probably blowing up someone's thunderbucket from those Buffalo Wild Wings they had 3 hours prior. A crazed nutter butter among all the red herrings. We have creeper stalker house hunter guy, Morgan (Michael Harris of Santa Barbara, Suture, Sleepstalker, Babylon 5: A Call to Arms and Finding Bliss) our creeper goth guy that is only named The Weirdo (Yan Birch of The People Under the Stairs, Sucker, Bless the Child and Essence of Echoes) and the Killer name of Ken (Brittain Frye of Less Than Zero, Santa Barbara, Veiled Threat, Dallas and In Search of a Woman) who is blond haired and blue eyed. CLEARLY EVIL!

Rich white kids can't resist the game of: Kick the Hobo.

After a friend of theirs died, hadn't shown up and everyone rags on her how she didn't bring the hamburgers for their cook out, they order a pizza instead and of course as many straight sexually oriented girls do, they dare two of their friends to striptease in front of them...again could only came from a research guide of the mental age of 12.

A few of the doofs the girls are marginally interested crash the party, start porking away and then almost 30 minutes later, another death scene. Death by plug-in vibrator tossed in a bathtub! Yup you read it here! Death by vibrator!! While a few run for help, the others proceed to Scooby Doo their way around the house convinced maybe the killer is still inside! So rather than piling up in the cars, zipping over to the cop shop, chewing the cops out for ignoring their pleas for help and mercy and getting the killer thrown in jail... they mildly arm themselves and dink around some more. In a weak ass attempt to link the film with the first one, Ken's Uncle Billy was supposed to be the mental patient from the first movie.

So what did we learn from this cinematic experience?

Well while this was professionally shot, blocked, sound and lit properly, the material is flawed, the acting was over the top and really they just needed an excuse to show some topless shots. In October 10^th of 2010 marked the first time this film was released in a 2 DVD disk set with its predecessor Slumber Party Massacre II. There is no real new concept to be had.  Just an insane guy drilling cute ditzy girls to death and none of them deserved it overall.

Psst doll, stop looking at the camera.   Oh whatever.

YAWN!