Eight Legged Freaks

Hey folks we are back for the hump day. Yeah allergies and sinus have been going crackers. So with that in mind how about another creature feature? No abnormally large rabbits that move like Joe Cocker on ether but instead gargantuan spiders instead. Relax, it has no John Agar. Director/writer Ellory Elkayem (Larger than Life, They Nest, Return of Living Dead: Rave to the Grave and Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis) attacks a small Arizona town and even has an Avenger. This is Eight Legged Freaks.

Yes honey, you can be Black Widow when you're older.

With the radioactive chemical spill trope giving it that 1950s feel. Think Them only a more modern dialogue and less superimposed creatures. Should I run in terror when David Arquette has top billing? Suddenly have Dewey flashbacks from Scream. Okay on with the write up here.

In the town of Prosperity Arizona, our local paranoid/X-File is the radio DJ Harlan (Doug E. Doug of Everything's Jake, Cosby, Touched by an Angel, Shark Tale, Justified, A Novel Romance and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit) spewing conspiracy theories to the level of Tremors' Burt Gummer...without a fraction of the training or firepower. Sorry Harlan, none can top the Gummer.

With the sleepy town waking up and a half awake truck driver loses one of the barrels carrying plot device, falls in a nearby cave. No doubt warping the flora and fauna but apparently only directly effecting the arachnids. Cue every boy and girl that ever screamed at a spider!

A week goes by and you know, I like that. Time has passed allowing for the contamination to happen. Running the elaborate roadside attraction spider farm, Joshua (Tom Noonan of Manhunter, Robocop 2, Last Action Hero, Heaven & Hell: North & South, Book III, Heat, The Astronaut's Wife, Knockaround Guys, Seraphim Falls, The House of the Devl and The Cape) could almost be Crazy Ralph of Friday the 13^th buuuuut he lacks screaming doom and death curse but has creeper old man vibe going. nerdy inquisitive boy Mike (Scott Terra of Charmed, Going Home, Ground Zero, 7^th Heaven, Motocrossed, Redemption of the Ghost, Daredevil and Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star) is seeing multiple species of spider getting huge and of course doesn't question Joshua on if that is safe, alarming or off putting because trusting kid. He's the Tooth Fairy kid, he is all sorts of wrong.

Grrr.. um spider noise, spider noise.

We are given a bit of exposition via Sheriff Sam Parker (Kari Wuhrer of Sliders, Anaconda, Spider's Web, The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting, Berserker: Hell's Warrior, The Prophecy: Uprising, Hellraiser: Deader, The Prophecy: Forsaken and General Hospital) finding a barrel of x amount of chemicals and has to give her boy Mike a stern talking to. Bumbles McGee or Deputy Pete (Rick Overton of Willow, Blind Fury, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures, Mad About You, Serial Killing 4 Dummys and Six Feet Under) I can only assume is the comic relief and well his lifespan can go either way.

Rebellous daughter Ashley (Scarlett Johansson of Ghost World, Lost in Translation, A Good Woman, The Island, Iron Man 2, The Avengers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Lucy, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Hail, Caesar! And Avengers: Infinity War) is running with some mean motor scooters and... clearly the kids hate their small town where everyone knows their name and so on. Seriously they are as threatening to the town's harmony as a mild broccoli fart.

Let's not forget mumbly gruff Chris (David Arquette of Airheads, Beautiful Girls, Scream, Ravenous, Never Been kissed, Slingshot, Pushing Daisies and Medium). Guess that ten year hiatus from the town allowed him to catch the Woodsboro Slasher but he still wants a thorough frisking from our lady sheriff.

Naturally Mike has to be Goonies, Party of One and have untold adventures. In some regions of Arizona, they'll show you their One Eyed Willy. Mike discovers the spiders have grown expontenally and on the hunt for food stuffs so expect a few sacks of drained humans, cattle, local wildlife. It's gonna get messy. With Sam and Chris trying to help fight against these critters, I am reminded of needing boomstick, chainsaw and maybe a good flamethrower.

What's that? An old abandoned mine? Well of course Mikey will go exploring...the little nipple head.

Why did the writer call me a nipple head, Chris?

Chris is convinced his father died finding a viable vein in the mine and set the guys into action. Mike meets up with Chris and tries to warn the adult that giant spiders are a happening. With the usual luck of a small kid in these films always does. Sheriff Sammy gives him the typical too much Sci-Fi TV and movies spiel and grumbles.

Fortunately the town while comprised of idiots, they are idiots with weapons of all shapes and sizes so they stand a better chance then the usual. Waiting for alien bounty hunters and the town drunk to get liquored up and...oh wait, that's Critters. Apologies.

Yes this is not a new concept. The creature feature has been happening since the early 1950s and that's fine. The CGI is still not has widely perfected at 2002 and well that also is a bit of a pain but I have seen worse examples. The story is relatively simple and the dialogue won't win any awards but it is the right amount of cheesy for the overall staple they are going for.

I noticed a few continuity issues. Flashlights changing make, model and size. Gladys' cigarette going from damn near a butt to almost whole. Little issues to be sure, I just thought they were funny.

This is a popcorn movie, cheesy line and moderate action. They even tried squeezing in a mother/daughter dynamic coming of age story and well, that happened. Not brilliant but what do you expect from a title like Eight Legged Freaks?  Yes I pulled this off of Netflix for their May Horror package.  A PG-13 Horror/Sci-fi/Comedy.

GET SOME!