Yoga Hosers

Hey readers, how goes it? So it's been a while since I've had some Kevin Smith. Annnd that came out vastly more pornographic than I wanted. Let's try that again. It's been a while since I reviewed a Kevin Smith film. Better? I thought as much.  So three years prior, the big buzz was his Canada trilogy as it has been referenced and one of the projects was involved his daughter, Harley Quinn and Johnny Depp's daughter Lily-Rose. We've got Canada, BFFs, villainous Nazis and genetic experimentation, so let's give this the once over. This is Yoga Hosers.

Gaaah,remember Tusk? Your dad is so weird!

The True North Trilogy consists of Tusk, Yoga Hosers and Moose Jaws. Yes you will have to go and secure your own copies. Shockingly enough Amazon is a click away. Okay may we battle through the "wurst" of it, I won't be a sour kraut and this is the school of hard knocks. Alright, enough awful puns and on to the flick in question.

Colleen Collette (Lily-Rose Depp of Tusk, Yoga Hosers, The Dancer, Planetarium, A Faithful Man and Savage) and Colleen McKenzie(Harley Quinn Smith of Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Bac, Clerks II, Tusk, Yoga Hosers, Holiday, Hollyweed, Supergirl, All These Small Moments and All Night) are atypical 15 year old teenager girls that spend their days in yoga, noses buried in their smart phones, working a convenience store Eh-2-Zed (I will hurt Kevin for that pun) and their cover band, Glamthrax. . An addendum, their drummer is 35 and named Ichabod (Adam Brody of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, The O.C., Jennifer's Body, Welcome to the Jungle, Burning Love, Life Partners and Growing Up and Other Lies). Music gigs aren't that scarce, brah and I am getting serious creeper vibe going there.  Further addendum, their parents lacked any creativity for names but hell not my cross to bear. They are inseparable and life in Manitoba is dreary, dull and deadening inside

Jason Vorhees' final form!!!

It's Canada, folks. Pleasant people, weather and attractions but they kind of creep me out.   I was informed they do not run around in deer and moose skins nor do they try to kill the sun with rudimentary, crude fashioned spears.   Who knew.

Senior heart throb and McKenzie's dream guy, Hunter (Austin Butler of Zoey 101, Ruby & the Rockits, Life Unexpected, The Carrie Diaries, Arrow and The Shannara Chronicles) has invited the girls to a Senior party. Awww... Yeah, check this kid for Rohypnol.  Deep cavity search.

Colleen's(Harley) mom, Ms. McKenzie (Jennifer Schwalbach Smith of Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back, Now You Know, Jersey Girl, Degrassi: The Next Generation, Clerks II, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Red State and Tusk) gotta warn the girls that boys just want to get freaky deaky at this age.  Channeling Aunt May and hoping to put the girls off any form of interaction. Could always have an organ crap out.  Seriously first five annuals of the Amazing Spider-Man, something was wrong with Aunt May.  Google that.  Mom is actually scarier as she slips Colleen her stiletto for protection. Damn I just got the lecture don't get a girl pregnant, not handed a shiv.

He puts the brat in bratwurst. Too homoerotic? You judge.

To strengthen their karma or whatever the hell you do in Yoga. I'm more limber from it and...yeah that's it. The girls are in the care of Yoga guru, Yogi Bayer (Justin Long of Jeepers Creepers, Ed, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Idiocracy, Live Free or Die Hard, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Drag Me to Hell and 10 Years). He seems to have either accepted the constant Hanna-Barbera jokes and deals with the pic-a-nic baskets or he is a better somber man than I. The seriousness to his more unorthodox yoga positions was killing me.

The intrepid duo has to contend with teachers? Yeah not meshing seems to be their jam. You can almost hear the build-up of "When I was your age," comments. Let's see...15? Hmm crappy job, school, D&D and zero prospects of girls. Well I got nothing to compare there at all.  Moving on!

Colleen's(Lily-Rose) dad Bob (Tony Hale of Dante's Inferno, Andy Barker, P.I., Chuck, Not That Funny, The Heat, American Ultra, and Jake and the Never Land Pirates) and his very much younger than he girlfriend, Tabitha (Natasha Lyonne of Modern Vampires, American Pie, American Pie 2, Comic Book Villains, Blade: Trinity, All About Evil, Addicted to Fresno and Antibirth) take off for an impromptu vacation, leaving the girls stuck at work. Dick move, brohan. Dick move.   Bob might also be lacking a spine, as Tabitha took it out Predator style!

Nazi Sausage Party!  Yup that came out weird.

Clerks-like shenanigans on the rise!   Hockey on the roof?   Pervy guy wanking himself to death?  Well okay maybe not Clerks level.   Still deciding who gets to be the Randal.   Sadly for the girls, having to close the store is the least of their worries as they have stumbled upon a Nazi killer regime threaten to rule ze world!  Okay our nefarious Canadian Hitler, Adronicus Aracane (Comedian/writer Ralph Garman of The Prowler, NYPD Blue, Two of the Money, Celebrity Deathmatch, Eagle Eye, Jay and Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance and Hollyweed) has a tremendous schinitzel up his arsch and deals with art critics with his evil collective of clones.

With the assistance of legendary manhunter Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp of A Nightmare on Elm Street, 21 Jump Street and other stuff) Oh c'mon, the man has a substantial filmography!   Go look it up or have lived in the 80s to now!  Guy begins to hear the girls out on their plight. A plight of a double homicide they did not commit and it was the handiwork of the naughty knockwursts!   Naughty Knockwursts is the German gay porno I will be writing when this blog goes nowhere so, probably next week.

Guy believes them, assists in their legal problems and sets them free from the clink. Can the girls deal with such terrifying meat products?? Will these young Canadians dispatch the rising Nazi regime? Can they put down their damn phones??!! Is the term Goalie Flesh Golem sound as disturbing as could be??

Yes this film openly torments Canada, Millennials, parents of Millennials, Whitey White Supremacists and I had fun.  If we were to take this seriously, dissect it in every facet to whom it offends, I could be here all day still writing this mother.  Kevin's writing is as sharp as always, his corral of actors has gotten an addition and I laugh my ass off seeing Johnny in makeup and total lack of zombie pirates.

Guest appearance by Kevin Conroy? He's Batman in case somehow you forgot and this Stan Lee guy. I think he was into comics. *cough Marvel Universe *cough. Yes, a myriad of the View Askew Universe has made its way into the Canada.

I'm loving how the music score changes up from a near John Williams' Indiana Jones to a John Carpenter's Halloween.  Kevin, you a bit of a film freak, ain'tcha?   It's all good.

Final thoughts? Well yet another buddy movie on Kevin's part but the girls shine through. With next to no experience, these two nail their roles on such a level I'm shaking my head one instant and then laugh the next. The performances are great, it's supposed to be campy and dammit it succeeded on all levels.   It's screwy, outlandish and a giant finger to those that don't get it.  Not exactly sure why almost every critic crapped on this flick, but I guess it is not for everyone.   So yes I had fun with this and yeah Smith fans, you will enjoy it. 

Dude, shut up about Arrow! Not getting you an autograph!