Welcome to the new week. Well it took
some doing and perusing but I finally found a copy of a sequel
several fans were asking me to find. For those that don't want to
read YET ANOTHER horror sequel, well make some suggestions please.
For everybody else, the wait is finally over. Yes the demand for
more Stephanie Beaton is on and we will see how this goes. We are to
embark on another Witchcraft film. This is Witchcraft XI: Sisters in
Blood.
Satan demands you motorboat me. |
As many of you will recall, Lucy Lutz
(Stephanie Beaton of Wicthcraft IX: Bitter Flesh, Zombie Gang
Bangers, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, Monster in My Car, Eyes
of the Werewolf, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood and A Passion)
was in London and asked by Bureau 17 to join up along with Agent
Celeste after the big vampire and Satanists showdown and...well I don't think that plot line is going to connect here.
But hey! Garner's back! Lutz's partner Garner (Mikul
Robins of Teen Wolf, Frogtown II, Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh, Sexual
Chemistry, Dark Secrets, My Haunted House and Opus of an Angel)
are going to be busy busy as Will Spanner, Warlock and Lawyer Extraordinaire has returned!
Dayum, girl you lost...well any sex appeal. |
Going
on his fifth regeneration (yes
that was a timelord reference)
Will (James Servais of Scanner Cop, To the Ends
of Time, Erotic Confessions, Madam Savant, V-World Matrix, Witchcraft
XI: Sisters in Blood and Dog Story)
is still with Kelly (Wendy
Blair of The West Wing and Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood)
and for some continuity issue, um they are still engaged. Yeah this
engagement has been going on forsix years. Dude commit already. Director/writer Ron
Ford
(The Mark of Dracula, Alien Agenda: Endangered
Species. Riddled with Bullets, Deadly Tales, A Passion to Kill and
Deadly Scavengers)
brings us back to the roots of Witchcraft, meaning there are actually
witches again and yes they will try to seduce Will to the dark side
and...maybe we need something new. Our movie revolves around Kelly's
sister (yup didn't
know she had one either)
and her college shenanigans. Probably mostly beer bongs, bisexuality
and learning magic, because every college girl has the Willow from
Buffy experience...if it is written by a horny, basement dwelling
perv and not Joss Whedon.
So
Kelly's sister Colleen (Miranda Odell of Sweet
Evil 2: Sapphire and Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood)
is absorbed in the Scottish play Macbeth. Her director looks like
the master from Manos: The Hands of Fate and her co-stars Maria
(Lauren Ian Richards of Witchcraft XI: Sisters in
Blood)
and Keri (Kathleen St. Lawrence of Witchcraft XI:
Sisters in Blood)
want to do spells in a graveyard with a grimoire. This is somehow
good for the play. WHAT?!!! How is dabbling in the black arts and
I assume blood magic going by the title going to prepare you for a
role in Shakespeare?! So if this was Hamlet, would they have committed incest and killed their fathers to be with their
mothers???!!! Is it bad to point out that the play is happening in
a Catholic college?
Well at least it ain't vampires this time, Lutz. |
So
our dabblers are only going to raise three witch sisters from THE
DEAD!!! Yup totally reasonable and clearly something that looks
good on a college transcript. Says here you're a people person, you
can do Spreadsheet and you raise the dead. You're hired!...
somewhere else.
So
if they conjure up these dead broads they can open a gateway to Hell.
Again, Catholic girls are a bit scary. A further addendum, Colleen
points out how she and Kelly had fire and brimstone sermons drummed
in their heads for years and this is why Kelly rebelled, fell in love
with a man foretold to lead all evil on the planet and is a master
warlock and...wait a minute. Is this getting goofy?
Naturally our
night foray into the dark arts requires the girls to be topless.
Must be a key ingredient for black magic or possibly banking on T &A
selling this flick. Naaaah, I'm clearly just jealous I don't write
this well. Maria is taken over by one of the sisters and gacks a
moron teenage horndog so no loss there.
My polo shirt protects me from your sorcerous ways! |
Once
again Satan gets typecast as the corrupter of youth and the spoilers
of virgins. Oh and they are supposed to open a hell gate for
Abaddon. Um isn't that the Angel of Death? I admit my CDC is a bit
rusty but according to Hebrew texts, Abaddon is the Angel of the
Abyss. Of course New Testament also establish Abaddon as another
name for Jesus after the resurrection so I am all sorts of confused
on this dogma.
Enough
about boobs! Where's Lutz and Garner? Surely evil is afoot! Two of
the college horndogs tell Lutz and Garner that they were ogling the
topless trio and then Jay got killed. So our dynamic duo go to work.
Also Garner is a sexist pig now. Um character development I guess?
Seriously, Lutz looks like she is inches away from smoking this
little piggy. They happen to bump into Will and Kelly as they
passed through the very same graveyard that is technically a CRIME
SCENE and not taped off. Well I don't blame Lutz and Garner,
probably lazy ass unis not doing their job.
Will
states he doesn't sense any dark powers and he seems to be okay with
magic again. Just need some consistency dude. And then he whips
around to Kelly after our cops leave and tells her there are dark
forces at play. Bro, that particular twosome are gonna be pissed you
just lied to them. The hell brah? Will wants to get to Colleen
before the coven has taken her over, released the demon Abaddon and
open a hell gate. But don't worry, male readers. There's boobs.
Yes that oh so important deciding factor YOU ALWAYS ask me about.
Lady readers, well you know I didn't write, direct or film any of
this. I can only apologize for boobs so many times.
Okay
the creature effects, the wraith like witches is actually good. The
energy beams from eyes however, yeah not so good. Glad to see Lutz
and Garner back but still not a lot for them to do. Current Will is
lacking in real charisma, the fights are kind of impressive and once
again a coven or sect of warlocks is trying to turn him to the dark
side. IT DOESN'T WORK!!! Will's left a trail of bodies of those
that have tried and failed ultimately so stop trying to entice him.
Between offers of booty, power and enough witchy orgy badness he can
digest, Will has been loyal to Kelly through and through. Face it!
He's not going to lead your armies of darkness and shroud the world
in endless night or whatever the script wants this time.
Stephanie's
Lutz is a hard nosed bad ass cop again, guns blazing and getting into
danger. I wonder how many shots fired forms they fill out each
movie. Garner is taking her lead and he is still questioning if
magic is real??? DUDE! You have fought satanists, vampires and now
witnessing a demon coming up from out of the ground. Even Scully is
saying, "Duh dumbass."
So
overall the acting is fair, the witches three are well topless for a
lot of it. Sex scenes fly by quickly and the sound quality was a
vast improvement over ten. Will is constantly being tempted to his
darker nature. Shouldn't one of these sect leaders just invite him
for tea and open a dialogue instead of throwing magic floozies at him
all the time? Not the greatest follow-up but I was glad that Garner
and Will managed to make it back in and no vampires this time.
Oh you didn't just say that to Garner, Will! |
No comments:
Post a Comment