Meh Movies: Prey of the Jaguar

Hey there. Finishing the Meh Movies we have a story of revenge, avenging the dead and an Australian man wearing an outlandish costume. No not Chris Hemsworth. Not everything is Chris Hemsworth. Sheesh, you people. No instead we have a former Spec Ops soldier avenging the death of his wife and son in an costume that would have made M.A.N.T.I.S. feel off. This is Prey of the Jaguar.

Umm grrr. hiss, hiss.

Well noted prisoner Damien Bandera (Trevor Goddard of Nowhere Man, Yesterday's Target, Fast Money, Mortal Kombat, Assault on Devil's Island, Deep Rising, Babylon 5 and JAG) has to be transferred and you know it is a good budget when I notice the tags for the men's names are done up in Sharpie magic marker. I am not kidding. No velcro tags for this boys, it's Sharpie or nothing.

 Looks like they stole a bus bench and bolted it in a Ecoline 350. Solid transport for the villain. I was amazed the lights worked on it. With his collective cadre of over the top henchmen, they proceed to drop the 4 man team and move the transport and rescue their boss. One prison guard announces to his former partner he is scum in such an ridiculous fashion. Sadly he was only two days to retirement. My bad by the by, as Trevor Goddard is not the hero but the villain and further oops as he is English not Australian. My humble apologies for the presumptions.

Credits rolls as we are treated to a rotoscoped Master Ninja training montage.  MASTER NINJA THEME SONG!!!   I guess we can expect a white ninja to the likes of Franco Nero only many times less cool. You ain't Django, Maxwell Caulfield.   Former Special Operations Agent Jason Sheppard/Derek Leigh (Maxwell Caulfield of Grease 2, The Colbys, Dazzle, The Nanny, Empire Records, Sundown: Vampire in Retreat, Smut, Eragon, Cry of the Winged Serpent and NCIS) is blissfully unaware of the impending doom of his family as notorious Damien is a free man. He gabs with the pregnant wife and even chatters with his imaginative son about a superhero costume he had Mom make for him he devised for his own. Talk of retirement, Leigh is made aware that Bandera is loose by his former Commander (Stacey Keach of Mike Hammer P.I., Raw Justice, Caged Seduction, Texas, Young Ivanhoe, Escape from L.A., The Pathfinder, Future Fear, American History X, Titus and Icebreaker) visits him, gives him the skinny and assures him that he is not known by Bandera being alive and well. Yet he felt the need to drop this news in person.

Greetings....wussy!

At his worksite, Tanaka and Bandera make their way through a few workboys leaving a trail of bodies meet up with Leigh and feels the need for exposition as Bandera establishes he killed Leigh's wife and son off-screen. Well at least we were spared that. Shooting Leigh in the chest with a flask in his pocket saved his life.

Meanwhile detectives Cody Johnson (Linda Blair of The Exorcist, Exorcist II: The Heretic, Hell Night, Chained Heat, Savage Streets, Bad Blood, Grotesque, Silent Assassins, Witchery, Nightforce, Sorceress, Scream and Supernatural) Roger Bentley (Tom Badal of Love Streams, Out on Bail, I,Madman, Destination Vegas, Treasure of the Black Jaguar and The Miracle) are hot on the case with only 3 weeks to retirement. Yeah it is an old gag. I'll drop it. Love how Bentley fired up a stogie on the crime scene. I'm sure that won't contaminate evidence whatsoever.

Leigh pops awake (No broken bones from his swan dive or ribs cracked from close range gun shot) and takes Johnson and Bentley's unmarked fleeing home for his big NOOoOOOOOooOO speil that all avenging heroes get to do at least once.

Mood lighting and dry ice means I'm in the netherworld, sweetie.

Hell I am still trying to get past his cheesy mustache. It looks like it was spirit gummed on his face. With nowhere to turn, Leigh visits an old weaponsmith/mechanical engineer he saved and has his suit made by him. Such technological marvels like a weighed and balanced throwing knife which I though was going to go through Caulfield's hand if he fumbled it. Apparently he builds weapons for the "Organization" now and is supposed to give Leigh the brush off.

The clandestine organization didn't realize the platonic love they share or possibly he was bored.

With the help of Master Yee (John Fujioka of American Ninja, Hiroshima: Out of the Ashes, Martial Law, Father Dowling Mysteries, The Road Raiders, Paint it Black, Freddy's Nightmares, Friday's Curse, The Munsters Today, American Samurai, Mortal Kombat, Wirehead Sega CD and Walker, Texas Ranger)giving Leigh a refresher course and hopefully months in his montage set him on his path, Leigh is ready to become...the Jaguar.

Evil or swarmy?  Only you can be the judge.

With Master Yee's blessing every cliche has been managed. The one-liners, the non-lethal attacks, the former warrior made up with peace must take up arms again. God's sake I was waiting for him to be in a Soviet copter blasting rockets at a Vietcong outpost.  Film flubs of composite armor's plastic restraint decoupled, the shoulder pads constantly bounce upward because they are not fastened to his arms, the crossbow probably beating a tattoo into his back as he ran and the stripped face paint was a bit much. It does look better than the Ultimate Warrior granted but not nearly functional as the film wants you to believe.

Director David DeCoteau (Shrieker, Puppet Master III, Curse of the Puppet Master, Voodoo Academy, his 1313 franchise, Blonde Heaven, Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island and Petticoat Planet) had his hands full with this. Looked similar some of the DC Comics superheroes of the 90s and I was entertained but not in the sense of action packed fun. So it was unintentionally funny.

Even my cheesy mustache can't cheer me up.

Halloween Movie: The Chilling

Happy Halloween folks. Yes it is the day of many of a slutty costume, far too many zippered and padded superhero suits and more Michael Myers jumpsuited folk roaming about, so clearly it's time for a zombie film. Yes I know, I know. This is all too familiar. So if it makes you feel better, how about a zombie film with the lovely Linda Blair and Grizzly Adams' Dan Haggerty? Confusing? This is The Chilling.

No you will not see me naked. Get over it.

Dr. Miller (Troy Donahue of Surfside 6, Rome Adventure, The Godfather: Part II, Hollywood Cop, Hard Rock Nightmare, Terminal Force and Sounds of Silence) operates and owns his own cryogenic facility. The standard role of the wealthy paying obscene amounts of dough to only to be resurrected in THE FUTURE in the hopes death has been conquered. I guess the freezer burn to their faces can just before thawing.  Miller's assistant Mary Hampton (Linda Blair of The Exorcist, Savage Streets, Repossessed, Perry Mason: The Case of the Heartbroken Bride, Skins, Sorceress, Scream and Supernatural) feels this is a worthwhile job and a higher calling to serve humanity until...dun dun dun... Mary discovers Miller has been secretly selling off body parts to further his profit margins. Guess he didn't trust in hog futures. Mary starts to fall for Joe Davenport (Ron Vincent of American Graffiti, The Chilling and Deeply Disturbed) whose parents have recently been added to the the frozen veggie corpse farm. Mary concerned about Joe's parents decides to tread carefully. A bank heist is "planned" by beer guzzling, shotgun totting jagoffs and well that goes really well. As our smooth criminals openly carry their shotguns, waste the hotel clerk and speed off to the bank job. Yup nothing but razor intellects here.

Must have ran out of abortion clinics to picket.

That Halloween night a freak lightning storm hits the main generator of the clinic. With no knowledge of how cryogenics works, security guard Vince (Dan Haggerty of Bury Me an Angel, The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams, Once Upon a Starry Night, Legend of the Wild, Elves, Chance and Spirit of the Eagle) wheels the frosty containers outside...during a lightning storm. Shocking to us all especially those in the metal canisters, the frozen folks rise from the dead in bloody vengeance. I think it was due to the weird aluminum foiled space suits they were stuffed in.

Blurgle!

I was a bit embarrassed for the zombies as they mostly kill folks with the time honored tradition of shake the baby to death. Will Vince, Joe and Mary save the night? Will the Cryo-Cadavers rule the lands??

Well what else can I say about this but character Joe is kinda one-dimensional and an ass. I am really not certain what direction the film was going. It was a wee bit of all over the map. Not really coherent storyline but the actors working the best they can with the script they had. The cryo bunch look more like astro zombies but I get over it. Still loved Haggerty's line to Blair offering her the chance to get into his uniform. That man had the biggest grin on his face.

Well guess it's off to star in Elves now.

Random Titles: Sorceress

Hey folks. Sorry for being AWOL from the blog. Got a head cold and it doesn't feel like it will be gone by tomorrow. So looking through my collective written reviews, I have noticed the lack of erotic thrillers aside from the few giallo films. High time that gets corrected, wouldn't you say? I mean I could be watching a Hepburn and Tracy flick but nah, that would be far too classy for this blog. So after a bit of debating I decided on a familiar name in such for horror and sci-fi fantasy, one director came to mind, Jim Wynorski (Chopping Mall, Not of This Earth, Deathstalker II, Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade, Busty Cops, Komodo vs. Cobra, Dinocroc vs. Supergator and Piranhaconda). Now I have been mean at Wynorski and not even sure if he would care for an apology as most of my writing is in humorous content but you do have to admire his ability to do what he can with a limited budget, finding some of the most unusual collective of people to work with, not to mention some of these scripts must read insanity until it makes its way on screen.

This is Sorceress.

Black Magic Woman...

So as our film opens we are greeted by...boobs apparently. Yup a powerful witch/housewife Erica Barnes (1993 Penthouse Pet Julie Strain of Penthouse Satin & Lace, Fit to Kill, Psycho Cop Returns, Bikini Squad, The Dallas Connection, Day of the Warrior, Guns of El Chupacabra, Heavy Metal 2000 and Battle Queen 2020) has a lace robe open to show off some of her assets as she engages in dark magics to enrich her husband Larry's law firm career. That...involves oils, light moaning and "O" face. Now you would normally think she would go full striga and kill off the competition Howard (Edward Albert of Butterflies Are Free, Galaxy of Terror, Guarding Tess, Port Charles, A-List and Sea of Fear) but instead, she cripples him with her magics. Larry played by Larry Poindexter of Introducing Dorothy Dandrige, Blade: the Series and Days of Our Lives is not having any of this...regardless of large breasted brunette gazing hungrily at him.

So I get to keep my clothes on?  Guess that is a relief.

Amelia, (Linda Blair of Sweet Hostage, Stranger in Our House, Wild Horse Hank, Ruckus, Hell Night, Chained Heat, Savage Streets, Chicken Soup for the Soul, S Club 7 in L.A., and Monster Makers)Howard's wife feels Howard has been flummoxed or bewildered by dark forces. As a practicing witch or wicca she is attempting to narrow down the suspects with the how and why method.

Rather than this be a straight horror thriller film there does seem to be a lot of emphasis on the copious amount of nudity giving it more of an softcore erotica rather that the time-honored horror tropes. That much was apparent right out of the gate gazing at Ms. Strain.

How to burn off energy after work.

Now I would be completely hypocritical if I didn't say I was staring at all the bits of lovely and threesome scenes aside, there actually is talent in this film. Okay the script is a bit far-fetched but I have seen A-list rom coms with dumber premises hands down so move on. Biggest complaints was Michael Parks (From Dusk Til Dawn and Red State)was used for nothing more than red herring and not enough booming William Marshall (Blacula and Scream Blacula, Scream). Larry's performance comes off as a tortured soul, lost in his own life. Linda goes from sweet as pie to cold as ice in record time. Scared the crap out of me seeing her with resolve on her face.

Rounding out at 93 minutes the eroticism is filled tastefully, the story isn't bad and the performance overall is pretty impressive just with this many jiggly girls running around the screen, might want to NOT have the kids awake while watching this one.

Craftmatic bed warmer.  Now available in auburn.

Linda Blair Week: Chained Heat

Welcome back for Day 5 of Linda Blair Week and it has been pretty amazing watching those numbers tally up. A quick heads up about Linda Blair's Worldheart Foundation http://www.lindablairworldheart.org/ as this is a rescue for pitbulls in the greater Los Angeles area. With Medical services, proper nutrition and behavioral classes to help give rescue dogs a better shot at life.

Well, the good taste could only prevail for so long. More than a few fans insisted that I watch and review a more adult themed Linda Blair film and if I must, I must. With a perverted John Vernon, Sybil Danning and Tamara Dobson ruling the pens, where can Linda Blair turn? This is Chained Heat.

So how do you tease your hair that way Val?

Young Carol (Linda Blair of Savage Streets, The Exorcist II: The Heretic, Moving Target, Up Your Alley, Bad Blood, The Chilling, Dead Sleep, Sorceress, Prey of the Jaguar, Supernatural, Whoa! and All is Normal) had a drunk driving accident that cost a man his life. The judge threw the book at her giving her no less than 18 months to serve her sentence. Our warden Bacman (John Vernon of Brannigan, S.W.A.T., Cannon, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Angela, Dirty Harry, Animal House, Savage Streets and Batman: The Animated Series)has aspirations to be the next Fellini using his prison hoes for a smut racket homemade pornographic films and distribution of coke. Double Secret Probation for you, sir!   Streetwise Val (Sharon Hughes of The Last Horror Film, Grotesque, Chained Heat and Mission: Killfast) who rocks her Aquanet hair becomes Carol's mentor giving her the tips to survival and how to loosen up in this madcap world behind bars.

You muthas messin' with Cleopatra Jones!?!

With the promise of drugs, sex and other such contraband, the male prison guards listen to their Captain Taylor (Stella Stevens of The Nutty Professor, The Poseidon Adventure, Santa Barbara, General Hospital and Megaconda) who keeps it on the up and up by is a partner to statuesque Duchess (Sybil Danning of The Three Musketeers, The Four Musketeers: Milady's Revenge, Cat in the Cage, Battle Beyond the Stars, Hercules, Howling II: Striba Bitch, Reform School Girls and Warrior Queen) is clearly a lifer running whatever kind of skag she can on her cell block and is a big deal next to her competition that Amazonian bit of loveliness, Duchess (Tamara Dobson of Fuzz, Cleopatra Jones, Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold, Murder at the World Series, Jason of Star Command, Chained Heat and Amazons). Tensions are high between the white and black cell blocks. Imagine what the Latinas, Germans and the Irish feel. I do feel the boom mic deserves a decent billing as I saw it more than a few times but nowhere near the top billed boom mic of Dolemite.

Tee hee!  I'm easy.

Naive Carol is caught in the middle of this bubbling cauldron and it only a matter of time before a block war goes up. Will she survive the next few days?? Can no one stop the madness???

With the grim and gritty atmosphere of in-house fighting, shower scenes, lesbian scenes and sleazy dialogue this makes for unusual viewing. The lighting choices of shadows, back lit and eerie synthesizer music was an odd choice but fits the mood pretty well. With racist fights, shanks and the staff being corrupt gives little to no hope of a night's sleep. Shockingly enough, as this is a women in prison film there is tons of nudity. I know, I too was surprised at this. The story is dark, some of the acting is over the top but we do have some classic Henry Silvia with his patented creepy smile and pleasant voice ensuring you would die slowly. This exploitation, sexploitation, blaxploitation film does have its cult following so you make of that what you will.

Who said this isn't my natural hair color!?!

Linda Blair Week: Witchery

Welcome back for Day 4 of Linda Blair Week. Y'know, I had my heart set on reviewing Chained Heat but good taste did prevail as I was informed of today's film which I only knew by its alternative title. Many moons ago, when the Earth was young and yuppies, cocaine and health nuts were abundant, there came a film like no other. A film that would dare to NOT star a Van Patten but indeed they would bring to the big screen, Michael "David Hasselhoff" Knight, Linda Blair and Grandma Ruth of Basket Case 2 and 3. Such was not dare dreamed of. This is Witchery a.k.a. Ghosthouse 2 a.k.a. Evil Encounters a.k.a. The Haunted House a.k.a. Witchcraft: Return of the Exorcist a.k.a. Hexenbrut.

Blair beside herself.  Mirroring emotions.  Okay, I'll stop.

Boy, it has been a while (cue Aaron Lewis Staind tune!) since we have had a multiple alternative title movie. I knew this film under Ghosthouse 2 wondering why this was nothing like Umberto Lenzi's creeper film at all. It didn't even feel like a continuation. Now I know and knowing is half the battle. BLARF! Ahem, moving on... our feature film of the day has a wayward group of folks trapped on a Massachusetts island due to a massive storm front and their only recourse is to make their way into the abandoned haunted hotel for shelter. Folks, it's called a lean to. Google it then build it. You'll thank me.

The movie opens with an angry mob of five pig farmers brandishing a few pitchforks yet no torches as they chase a terrified pregnant woman across the moors. As the mob continues the hunt for said pregnant lady, she is pursued by disgruntled village people( Yyyyy...MCA!! ) she making her way to the hotel, seeing no escape she hurls herself out a window as was clearly her only option.

As if some prophetic dream, Jane (Linda Blair of Bad Blood, The Chilling, Dead Sleep, Zapped Again!, Calender Girl, Cop Kill? The Bambi Bembenek Story, Double Blast and Skins) wakes in a cold sweat as she is pregnant, creeped out and in general not having a good night. Without any further explaination, we cut to Leslie (Leslie Cumming of Zombie 5: Killing Birds and Witchery) and her boyfriend Gary (David Hasselhoff of Semi-Tough, Terror at London Bridge, Knight Rider, Baywatch, Avalanche, Nick Fury: Agent of Shield and Anaconda: The Offspring) are staying at the abandoned hotel so Leslie can write a book about witchcraft, the Hoff is taking snapshots of the house, the island and a bizarre light that happens at particular times of the day that looks suspiciously like a lens flare but I'm not passing judgement. A plot point clearly needed is Leslie is a virgin. We know this because Gary likes haphazardly dropping it into conversation and sounds disgruntled for not getting laid. For shame Hoff, for shame.

Tellin' ya, Baywatch Nights is easy money.

The fisherman that brought Jane, brother Tommy and her parents looking to buy the hotel of darkness appears to have disappeared via lens flare into a cheap prism pendant. Though our lady in black played by Hildegard Knef (The Murderers Are Among Us, The Snows of Kilmanjaro, Decision Before Dawn and Fedora) is genuinely creepy giving you the John Carradine creeper stare. The pace is a tad slow, our gore scenes are fairly creepy and over all the exposition does give the back story.

People are tossed into another dimension kind of like Silent Hill only it looks like a blood caked Doctor Who time tunnel. Day for night shots, back lit actors and lots of masonry shots are confusing as hell. Three doors to Hell seem to be found randomly in rooms and to be honest, you would think one door would be enough. There seems to be a black mass/witchcraft theme going and Leslie mumbles her dissertation but also not really explained so I am confused.

Starring Tom Baker...

Realtor boy and Architect girl or Tony(Frank Cammarata of Witchery) and Linda (Catherine Hickland of Loving, Ghost Town, Witchery, Taxi Killer, One Life to Live andThe City), if you prefer comes off as bland people crafted solely for being gacked but that's not their fault as they were poorly conceived.

Will they ever escape the island??? Will creeper Lady in Black do them all in???

The music score sounded familiar and turns out composer Carlo Maria Cordio (Pieces, Cave Dwellers, Endgame- Bronx lotta finale, Hell Behind the Bars, Iron Warrior, Zombie 5: Killing Birds, Touch of Death and Witchery) covering us with his guitar and synthesizer goodness.   Hmm that may have sounded a tad pornographic.

Our director also brought audiences the unfortunate and unofficial sequel to the Troll movies called Crawlers, which not unlike Troll 2 has nothing to do with Trolls. Confused, choppy editing and more gore than story, Linda does her level best to make this a watchable film.  Stay for the gore and get a story. Not bad but could use a bit more polish.

Santa?  SANTA!!??!!

Linda Blair Week: Grotesque

Greetings readers and welcome back to Day 3 of Linda Blair Week. I cannot get over how many horror flicks Linda Blair has actually done. Looks like actor Joe Tornatore is directing this film time around. A jaunt out to a vacation cabin turns into a bloodbath. This is Grotesque.

We will join your pajama party, one way or the other!

Lisa's (Linda Blair of Savage Streets, Red Heat, Savage Island, Nightforce, Silent Assassins, Witchery, Bad Blood, The Chilling, Zapped Again and Fatal Bond) family is loaded thanks to Dad's occupation being an FX artist, designer and sculpter. Orville Kruger's (Guy Stockwell of Adventures in Paradise, Tobruk, Return to Peyton's Place, It's Alive and Santa Sangre) work is in high demand and word sneaks around the snowy town that there are riches in that house.

Lisa's friend Kathy (Donna Wilkes of Days of Our Lives, Jaws 2, Almost Summer, Fyre, Hard Knocks, Hello, Larry, Blood Song, Angel, My Stepbrother Is A Vampire!?! and 90210 Shark Attack) is joining Lisa for a relaxing time into the woods and get over getting dumped...or so they thought. Now while it was a running gag in 80s to have roving gangs of punks I did start laughing when they appeared in VW vans lead by their gregarious leader Scratch (Brad Wilson of Scorpion, Under the Boardwalk, Angel Fire, Art Deco Detective, Dominion and Theodore Rex) and his giggly, loopy right hand man, Gibbs (Nel Van Patten of Young Warriors, Summer School, Ghost Writer, Face the Edge, Camp Fear, Mirror Images and Live Wire) are convinced mad treasure is in the house. Weird, third Linda Blair flick I am reviewing and another Van Patten arises.

Leatherface's cousin: Pork Scratchings Face.

The gangers start gacking the family and trashing the house in search for the illusive funds, they kick open a door to a hidden room. Aha! The jewels and gold would be anyone's take, right​? The deranged and deformed hunchback Patrick (Bob Apisa of The Last Boy Scout, Nowhere to Run, Marked for Murder, Point of No Return, The Sandlot, Hard Target and The Glimmer Man)leaps out and starts making mincemeat out of them. What the hell is going on in this house!?!

Our punkers are a mixed bag. From the foxy Donna (Sharon Hughes of The Last Horror Film, Chained Heat, The Man Who Loved Women, Hard to Hold, Jackals and Mission: Killfast), the bulging eyed Eric (horror/sci-fi B movie legend, the late Robert Z'Dar of Maniac Cop, Samurai Cop, The Legend of Wolf Mountain, Frogtown II, Soultaker, Silent Fury and Red Line) running for their lives as Patrick bounds after them.   Lisa half frozen outside is found by the authorities.

Will Patrick cease his murderous rage? Can the cops clear up this whole mess?

This film take the typical tropes of the eighties and turns it on its ear. The twists and turns from the traditional demented creature film it bring some fair FX, decent graphic death scenes and an impressive story. I have seen countless remarks, insults and negative reviews without any objectivity on it. This was an impressive cast really just getting their feet wet with Blair leading the film as well as being a producer on the film.  Folks deem this "The worst thing ever filmed," clearly they haven't sat through Jesus Franco's Zombie Lake. Now that's a complete turd waffle.

I wonder what Father Murphy would say.

Linda Blair Week: Roller Boogie

Well hello again and welcome back to Day 2 of Linda Blair Week. This time around we move back to the time era of roller rinks and disco music. For those that do not care for either can bog off and move on. We observe a film that held auditions of over 300 skaters to work on the film but ultimately only 50 were cast. In addition to this movie, roller skating champion Jim Bray was hired as a stunt skater only to become the leading man next to Linda Blair. This is Roller Boogie.

Okay, she looks like she is having fun.

Wealthy socialites Lillian (Beverly Garland of D.O.A., Swamp Diamonds, Gunslinger, It Conquered the World, Not of This Earth, Decoy and The Alligator People) and Roger Barkley (Roger Perry of Arrest and Trial, Count Yorga, Vampire, The Thing with Two Heads, Barnaby Jones, The Facts of Life, Falcon Crest and Dirty Love) have overall ignored their daughter aside from she goes to Juilliard as a flautist (One that plays the flute) and must succeed to the highest plateau. 

Definitely grooving.

Unfortunately, daughter Terry (Linda Blair of Sweet Hostage, Stranger in Our House, Wild Horse Hank, Ruckus, Hell Night, Chained Heat, Savage Streets, Chicken Soup for the Soul, S Club 7 in L.A., and Monster Makers) has aspirations to have fun versus study, study and more study as she and her snooty friend Lana (Kimberly Beck of Massacre at Central High, Eight Is Enough, Zuma Beach, and Friday the 13^th The Final Chapter) hit the broadwalk via Venice Beach. Terry notices Bobby James (Jim Bray of Roller Boogie) out with another girl but clearly our boy took in Terry with a long lasting glance. The two start developing a relationship in spite of their social standings being so different they have found a mutual love of disco and roller skating. Terry offers Bobby money so she can complete and win the Roller Disco contest at the skating place Jammers.

Like Hell Night, it wouldn't be 70s to 80s without a Van Patten (It was a Hollywood rule in the day) as Jimmy Van Patten (Lunch Wagon, Young Warriors, For Love and Honor, The Flunky Saw IV, Saw VI and Saw 3D: The Final Chapter) as Hoppy, Bobby's buddy from Venice Beach. I am still reeling from street name/nickname Hoppy.

I know, I know. Where's the twist in all of this? Pipe down and I will tell you. It looks as though Jammers is to be bought out by some shady mobster cats that will most likely tear down Jammers and make it a night club or some other means to launder ill-gotten gains. Terry and Bobby have to put the kibosh on this somehow with the aid of their friends and get that incriminating evidence to the cops before they're all wearing cement overshoes.

This film has it all. A vibrant cast, a great soundtrack and a kind of wholesome story about life is never what you think it will be. Now some will view this a mushy throwback but I like think of it as a pleasant reminder that these stories hold weight. From director Mark L. Lester of such cheese like: Gold of the Amazon Women, Class of 1984 also brought us Firestarter, Commando and Class of 1999 so it takes all kind to move a picture. Plus Earth, Wind and Fire is on the soundtrack. I'd watch a splatter fest flick if you can guarantee me Earth, Wind and Fire. Granted I could have done with less men in terry cloth shorts but I review a lot of 70s to 80s horror flicks and that is a constant.

John Holmes, is that you?

Linda Blair Week: The Exorcist

Felicitations my gentle readers. I have returned so you can all relax now. I know you how worry. This week I thought we would take glimpse into the many films starring the talent and lovely Linda Blair. With that, there will be horror, drama and some dark humor. So we need to go back to the famous and infamous director William Friedkin (The French Connection, Sorcerer, The Brink's Job, To Live and Die in L.A., 12 Angry Men, Rules of Engagement and Killer Joe) and writer and screen writer William Peter Blatty (A Shot in the Dark, What Did You Do in the War, Daddy?, The Great Bank Robbery, The Omega Man, The Exorcist, The Night Configuration and Exorcist III) which nominated for 10 Oscars and won 2. This is The Exorcist.

She is gonna kick our butts in limbo.

Chris MacNeil (Ellen Burstyn of Act of Vengeance, Pack of Lies, Look Away, Hanna's War, Roommates, How to Make an American Quilt, The Wicker Man, and Big Love) is a single mother, actress and agnostic just wrapping up a scene in a movie while raising her 12 year-old daughter Regan (Linda Blair of The Sporting Club, Born Innocent, Airport 1975, Sweet Hostage, Roller Boogie, Chained Heat, Savage Streets, Grotesque, The Chilling, Repossessed, Sorceress and Scream) starts exhibiting strange behavior after using an Oujia board and contacting her imaginary friend Captain Howdy. Soon she knowledge of events prior to their happening causing Chris to seek out aid for her daughter through doctors, neurosurgeons and shrinks and no one can diagnose Regan as unhealthy or mentally incompetent.

Prior to these events, an amateur archeologist, historian and priest Father Merrin (Max Von Sydow of Through a Glass Darkly, The Greatest Story Ever Told, The Apple War, Voyage of the Damned, Footloose, Dreamscape, Dune, Flash Gordon, The Best Intentions, Needful Things and The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim) is at a dig in Iraq he uncovers a statue of Pazuzu, a demon he once exorcised from many years ago and senses an omen of misfortune awaiting the world or even himself.

Hold still, Mr. Sydow.  We need this for the poster.

Chris goes out on the town for the night asking her friend Burke (Jack MacGowran of Tom Jones, Doctor Zhivago, The Fearless Vampire Killers, The Shadow of a Gunman, A Day at the Beach and The Exorcist) who in fact, dies by falling out of a window violently. This death is deemed accidental as Burke was a known alcoholic and boy that is the guy for my kid. Hey now all you need is a few crack whores and a loaded gun for the night's entertainment.  The cops of course snoop around and investigate after constant interviews with the police, Chris is met with Father Karras (The Exorcist, Vampire, The Henderson Monster, Monsignor, Toy Soldiers, The Ninth Configuration, Light of Day, Rudy and The Eternal) a priest and shrink who recently lost his mom and his faith develops a rapport with Chris and it is decided that Father Merrin will perform the exorcism. A daunting task taxing mentally and physically for both the priest and the child.

Can Regan be saved? Will faith return to Father Karras? Is Chris deciding God need be in her life?

With a budget of 12 million the flick is shot over Georgetown, Iraq and regions of New York managing to gross over 204.5 million dollars. With multiple endings, alternative takes and even the director's cut released in 2001, held extended footage of the spider walk of Regan walking backwards down the stairs, flash shots of the face of the demon and some examination scenes with one of the doctors.

What many people perceive as the theme song of The Exorcist, composer Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells brings an air of darkness and horror, refreshes the memories of this terrifying tale but seem to forget the gorgeous introduction of String Quartet No. 1 by composer Kyrzysztof Penderecki.

This film impacts on the faithful, the lapsed and the atheist. With the ghastly notion of a young child taken over by such evil and gruesome effects by Marcel Vercoutere and Rick Baker, it is no wonder this film's presence still haunts many. The lighting, the tone and musical cues bring an eerie reaction on a subconscious level. So if you need one hell of a scare, DO NOT let the kiddies watch this one...unless you need them to devote their lives to the church. Best scared straight story then.

Hmm I sense dread and foreboding.  Could be that burrito though.