Random Titles: Sorceress

Hey folks. Sorry for being AWOL from the blog. Got a head cold and it doesn't feel like it will be gone by tomorrow. So looking through my collective written reviews, I have noticed the lack of erotic thrillers aside from the few giallo films. High time that gets corrected, wouldn't you say? I mean I could be watching a Hepburn and Tracy flick but nah, that would be far too classy for this blog. So after a bit of debating I decided on a familiar name in such for horror and sci-fi fantasy, one director came to mind, Jim Wynorski (Chopping Mall, Not of This Earth, Deathstalker II, Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade, Busty Cops, Komodo vs. Cobra, Dinocroc vs. Supergator and Piranhaconda). Now I have been mean at Wynorski and not even sure if he would care for an apology as most of my writing is in humorous content but you do have to admire his ability to do what he can with a limited budget, finding some of the most unusual collective of people to work with, not to mention some of these scripts must read insanity until it makes its way on screen.

This is Sorceress.

Black Magic Woman...

So as our film opens we are greeted by...boobs apparently. Yup a powerful witch/housewife Erica Barnes (1993 Penthouse Pet Julie Strain of Penthouse Satin & Lace, Fit to Kill, Psycho Cop Returns, Bikini Squad, The Dallas Connection, Day of the Warrior, Guns of El Chupacabra, Heavy Metal 2000 and Battle Queen 2020) has a lace robe open to show off some of her assets as she engages in dark magics to enrich her husband Larry's law firm career. That...involves oils, light moaning and "O" face. Now you would normally think she would go full striga and kill off the competition Howard (Edward Albert of Butterflies Are Free, Galaxy of Terror, Guarding Tess, Port Charles, A-List and Sea of Fear) but instead, she cripples him with her magics. Larry played by Larry Poindexter of Introducing Dorothy Dandrige, Blade: the Series and Days of Our Lives is not having any of this...regardless of large breasted brunette gazing hungrily at him.

So I get to keep my clothes on?  Guess that is a relief.

Amelia, (Linda Blair of Sweet Hostage, Stranger in Our House, Wild Horse Hank, Ruckus, Hell Night, Chained Heat, Savage Streets, Chicken Soup for the Soul, S Club 7 in L.A., and Monster Makers)Howard's wife feels Howard has been flummoxed or bewildered by dark forces. As a practicing witch or wicca she is attempting to narrow down the suspects with the how and why method.

Rather than this be a straight horror thriller film there does seem to be a lot of emphasis on the copious amount of nudity giving it more of an softcore erotica rather that the time-honored horror tropes. That much was apparent right out of the gate gazing at Ms. Strain.

How to burn off energy after work.

Now I would be completely hypocritical if I didn't say I was staring at all the bits of lovely and threesome scenes aside, there actually is talent in this film. Okay the script is a bit far-fetched but I have seen A-list rom coms with dumber premises hands down so move on. Biggest complaints was Michael Parks (From Dusk Til Dawn and Red State)was used for nothing more than red herring and not enough booming William Marshall (Blacula and Scream Blacula, Scream). Larry's performance comes off as a tortured soul, lost in his own life. Linda goes from sweet as pie to cold as ice in record time. Scared the crap out of me seeing her with resolve on her face.

Rounding out at 93 minutes the eroticism is filled tastefully, the story isn't bad and the performance overall is pretty impressive just with this many jiggly girls running around the screen, might want to NOT have the kids awake while watching this one.

Craftmatic bed warmer.  Now available in auburn.

Vampire Week: Vampyres

Howdy all and welcome back for day 4 of Vampire Week.  Well so far we have seen some disappointments, few out and out monsters and some blatant attempts to keep men and women in their seats with erotic scenes…  So let’s get more of those!   Yes instead of the typical Italian horror exploitation we journey on to England in almost true Hammer form for our vamp smut.   So curb your appetite, dare not look in the basement and for crying out loud have a hammer and stake.   This is Vampyres.

Hey, that's not a slumber party!

Succulent and sinister, spoilers lure men to their doom!

Horror sexploitation director Jose Ramon Larraz (Deviation, The House That Vanished, Stigma, Madame Olga’s Pupils and Los ritos sexual del Diablo) brings us a tawdry tale of a lesbian vampire couple’s feeding frenzy throughout the English countryside.   Yeah the boys reading this review just perked up ladies.  Sorry about that but they are pigs.  The concept is simple enough for any man to follow.  The ladies lure horny, unsuspecting men to their country estate, feed and pleasure them, then drain other fluids from them as well.  Our lovely creatures of the night are Fran (Marianne Morris of Lovebox, The Over-Amorous Artist, No Strings and Queen Kong) and Miriam (1973 Playmate Anulka Dziubinska of Lisztomania, The Likely Lads, The New Avengers, The Tomorrow People and Bare Essence) a deadly duo that do not mind playing with their food before feeding.   

Blucher!!

These two fiendish femme fatales periodically wander out among the grounds hitchhiking looking for men to take home and proceed to dispense with them.   Then one day Miriam encounters a stranger of the name of Ted (Murray Brown of The Wars of the Roses, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, The Black Windmill, Shadows and The New Avengers) who Miriam does not drain completely but leaves him in a slight anemic state.  As he heads down the road he encounters a young married couple that treats his wounds and for some reason (HORNDOG WRITING) the wife becomes enamored with the house and the vampiric vixens as well.  

Couple most likely...to be beaten to death with clown hammers.

And now comes the part where I will delight and bore you with details of the flick.  This is the second Eurohorror vampire film that was modern age rather than a time period piece.  The first film is Dracula ’72 from Hammer Productions.  The House for the film is Oakley Court which has been used in several Hammer films as well as The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  Hmm lesbian vampire couple or Dr. Frank-N-furter could answer the door. 

   

The married couple needs to be cleansed with fire.  Yes a bit harsh but the husband constantly berates his wife and she is well a bit whiney and distracted easily by shiny objects. Due to the graphic violence and fairly steamy sex scenes of which are at least half of this movie you can surmise this is not one for the kiddies. 

Ahh, a toast to cleavage!

The plot is a bit weak, character development is not a big priority and several shots of the film is the sultry undead are roaming about in the day.  Granted they have these huge cloak and hoods but they are never wearing the hoods over themselves.  Could have been day for night shots but if that is the case then they were really bad.  Thank God we got plenty of bedroom action and some bathing scenes though.  

Oh yes and my personal favorite when looking for films online, it has about 7 alternative titles: Blood Hunger, Daughters of Dracula, Satan’s Daughters, Ossessione carnale, Vampyre Orgy, Vampyres: Daughters of Dracula and Vampires: Daughters of Darkness.  Suffice to say I had to use 5 of them just to find a copy.  Netflix was baffled.

Vampires Vs Zombies...??!!

Now I look at this title and envision hordes of both popular undead battling it out for the human tidbits.  A battle royale to the well…death I suppose and frankly that sounded interesting to me.  A sort of Underworld feels with not fur just fangs and claws.  Instead I get this.  Ho boy.   So stock up on ammo, MREs and water from your secured undisclosed bunker.   This is Vampires Vs Zombies.

So let’s start off with the few alternative titles to this flick and you will get an idea how long it took me to find it.  You have Carmilla, Carmilla the Lesbian Vampire and last but certainly not least Vampires Vs Zombies.    Netflix and Blockbuster bother were confused as hell to what I was requesting but finally I got a copy and proceeded to view this blight of Cinema.

Warning! Danger! Danger!  The following will invoke spoilers to the film in question as well as cast and director and writer.

So we open our flick with Jenna (Bonny Giroux not Jenna Jameson you pervs) who is having a disturbing or quite possibly erotic dream of an ample bosomed brunette feeding on her.  Then she blew my frickin eardrums with her Linnea Quigley scream startled from her terrifying dream. Her father Travis (C.S. Munro of Corpse-O-Rama) was also startled via car ride, has about 20 seconds of dialogue with her to establish to the audience that is now deaf that she is having this reoccurring dream.  It is at this point I would also like to point out I recognize one member of the cast (Brink Stevens of Zombiegeddon, Birth Rite and Cheerleader Massacre) and she is hardly even in it so you can just wager how delightful this flick was.   The term shaky cam comes to mind.  Apparently no one bothered to explain weight ratios and balance to this fine film crew.  Sheesh a unipod or tripod would have been nice but no that was not in the budget I gathered.  Better to use the town epileptic, give him a pot of coffee and a camera.  Our fearless director /writer Vince D’Amato is responsible for such flicks as the fore mentioned Corpse-O-Rama, Human Nature and Hell Hath No Fury and we shall not go into those movies for I do not keep a puke bucket by my desk. 

  Getting back to our film; this movie is very loosely based on the talented writer Sheridan Le Fanu that wrote the 1872 classic novel Carmilla and sadly it is about the closest any of the existing film makers have gotten close to.  Well I loved the Hammer films so I cannot discredit the Vampyre Lovers with Ingrid Pitt but that is neither here nor there.   To the best of my understanding of this 70 minute acid trip this is a series of chapters versus being a full film?  While it is an interesting premise it is also utterly confusing to the causal moviegoer.   The deliveries of lines from the actors seem so off base or unnatural.  The inflection of their performance feels forced and completely out of context but hell what do you expect for an under budgeted half-assed indie film with no real direction of a plot but a blatant excuse for a lesbian sex scene that looked so staged it couldn’t stimulate the dead.   I suppose the gore scenes were fairly graphic with the sub-plot of vampires and zombies duking it out but honestly I am left wondering how the title of the movie became the secondary plot.

  This was not titled, ”Carmilla Gets the Girl” so what the hell is going on?   Don’t get me wrong.  This was not Zombi 3 where there was 3 directors throwing their hat in the circle but dear God it needed some cohesive editing man.   I was struggling by the 40 minute mark like Apollo Creed hanging on the ropes in Rocky II.  Bottom line kid; if you are just hoping for some awkward preternatural lesbian sex with a defunct storyline then this is your movie.  If however you wish to hold on to a shred of dignity I have a few vamp films of this particular genre that would at least resemble a storytelling.