Random Pick: Hunters of the Golden Cobra

Hey gang. Sorry about the week. Been caught up in writing that short story and well I really didn't want to stop. So I was looking up cheeseball action movie titles and well this seemed like complete dog flop. With the capable hands of one Antonio Margheriti (Horror Castle, Flesh for Frankenstein, Cannibal Apocalypse, Yor, Hunter from the Future, The Last Blood, The Ark of the Sun God, Jungle Raiders, Kommando Leopard and Alien from the Deep) this could go either way. This is The Hunters of the Golden Cobra a.k.a. Golden Cobra, Hunters of the Golden Cobra, Jungle Hunt.

I say old sport, this is a spot of bother, ah wot?

For more than 40 years, many a household plans a bad movie night for riffing, mockery or just flat out having plenty of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot moments. Today's film is no exception. Fimed in Italy, the taglines alone are worth the viewing.  The Mission: Recover the World's Most Priceless Treasure. The Odds: Impossible! No we are not chasing after the Ark of the Covenant nor the Holy Grail. Instead the Golden Cobra is besought and coveted for its supernatural powers. Not sure if it has anything to do with a ruthless terrorist organization bent on ruling the world.

New Wave Sheena of the Jungle.

Towards the end of WWII, American Green Beret Bob Jackson (David Warbeck of Duck, You Sucker, The Beyond, The Last Hunter, The Black Cat, Karate Warrior 4, Karate Warrior 5 and Mean Tricks) and British Intelligence Officer (MI-6 I guess and possibly SAS trained) Captain David Franks (John Steiner of Beyond the Door II, A Man Called Blade, Question of Love, Caligula, The Last Hunter, Tenebre, Yor, the Hunter from the Future, The Ark of the Sun God and Cut and Run) get separated from each other during their mission to eliminate a lunatic Japanese general. With bit of assistance of stock footage, pyrotechnics at work for flame pots, the fortified region is no more and our boys slip in. The action feels a bit Guns of the Navarone meets Raiders of the Lost Ark. Franks gives of the stereotypical appearance of an Englishman unflappable in the path of danger while Jackson is mildly whimsical.

Several small scale model explosions but well matched to the existing footage so planes, fuel trucks and junglescape getting blown up left and right. Jackson witnesses the fleeing major taken down by poisonous blow darts propelled by the cannibal cast of Zombie Holocaust. One year later, Franks and Jackson catch up as both men beat the crap out of each other morphing a wonderful day for cockfighting into a full donnybrook. Franks offers a fair degree of cash not mention both their governments want to know the location of the Golden Cobra. Believed to have belonged to ancient Asian people the Amox, this relic could insight holy wars, mystical powers and possibly leave the governments of Asia toppled due superstitious fear.

Pantless cocktail hour? Count me in.

And once again a familiar character actor playing Greenwater looking far more reputable than ever , an American archeologist searching for his lost niece (Luciano Pigozzi of General Della Rovere, Two Women, Blood and Black Lace, Werewolf in a Girl's Domitory, Castle of the Living Dead and Yor, Hunter of the Future) once again voiced in dub by the one and only Edward Mannix.

Most of our jungle war scenes, yup you guessed it we are back in the Philippines because Vietnam just doesn't care for film crews at all. Something about a police action in the 60s and 70s. I dunno. Wasn't paying attention. A lot of the soundtrack sounds lifted from Man From U.N.C.L.E. All the incidental music screams, "I belong on the set of Gunsmoke," but I could be wrong. Coming at you with an hour and 35 minutes, this is well paced, tries to be original in spite of the source materials it is clearly lifting and is actually engaging. 

Hmm Roger Moore or Jonny Lee Miller?

Henry Rollins Week: The Chase

Hola folks! So this week is intended to be about Henry Rollins, more specifically any film, TV and specials he had a direct involvement with. Many of you are aware of this man's spoken word tours, his band Rollins Band and even his autobiography " Get In The Van" but few know that he went to see Black Flag in 1980 when he jumped the stage and took the mike for a song. As lead singer of the failed DC punk band State of Alert came and went, fate took Henry by the hand. A few days later, he got a a call to head and audition for Black Flag. At 5'9" he has had the balls to try to outdo Iggy Pop at the punk scene, he has whored out for MTV and even voice over acting for Batman Beyond. This is The Chase.

Gimme the Jack or she takes two in the spine!

Jack Hammond (Charlie Sheen of Grizzly II: The Concert, Red Dawn, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Platoon, Young Guns, Major League, Men at Work, Hot Shots!, Shadow Conspiracy, Two and a Half Men and Machete Kills) a schmuck wrangling birthday gigs as a clown has been sentenced for life in prison but manages to give the slip and disappeared fleeing for Mexico. Getting stopped at a convenience store by a couple of cops in harness, Jack grabs a nearby debutante Natalie (Kristy Swanson of Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Knots Landing, Nightingales, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Phantom, 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag, Early Edition, Grapevine and Swamp Shark) at gunpoint.

Escaping the clutches of the cops and now engaging for in a high speed pursuit, two cops are getting the "Cops" reality TV recording in a daily patrol when it hits the radio about an ongoing chase and demand for back up. Officer Dobbs(Henry Rollins of Johnny Mnemonic, Heat, Lost Highway, Oddville, MTV, Batman Beyond, The New Guy, Bad Boys II, Teen Titans, Wrong Turn 2: Dead End, The Devil's Tomb and Feast) and Officer Figus (Josh Mostel of Jesus Christ Superstar, Delta House, Star 80, At Ease, Windy City, The Money Pit, City of Hope, City Slickers, The Maddening, The Out-of-Towners, Knockaround Guys, Growning Up and Other Lies and Blue Bloods) pop the clutch and go into action. As the license plate has been taken down, it is revealed that Natalie is heiress of Dalton Voss (Ray Wise of Swamp Thing, Robocop, Dallas, Seduced, The Colbys, Knots Landing, Twin Peaks, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, Body Shot, Command& Conquer: Red Alert 2, Jeepers Creepers II, 24, and Reaper) multimillionaire and pillar of the community. This whole event goes down from Newport Beach all the way down the I-5 through San Diego to the desperate attempt of escape to Mexico.

JAYWALKER!!!!

 With the gaining press of this dangerous pursuance throughout the towns, live coverage is being recorded from the air as well as vans trying to get footage of it in progress. Jack and Natalie find in this romp on the road that while from different backgrounds they actually have quite a bit in common and Jack finds himself regretting never having the balls to ask a girl like her out. Will they escape to Mexico? Can Jack and Natalie form a real relationship? Will this be one of Dobbs and Figus's better collars? Screw the potential love story, this is only to be watched for Rollins and Mostel's scenes.

One of my favorite scenes of this movie is still Flea and Anthony Kiedis of The Red Hot Chili Peppers trying vigilante justice to smash the BMW into the guard rails, quote smack the punk out end quote and rescue said hottie. They do this with a bright green monster truck. Director/writer Adam Rifkin (Tale of Two Sisters, Nutt House, Psycho Cop Returns, Bone Chillers, Without Charlie and Shooting the Warwicks) found most of Mostel and Rollins' ad lib more entertaining that what was written for them so he gave Mostel and Rollins the go for it. The I-5 freeway scenes were predominantly shot in Houston TX via Highway 290 and then new Hardy Toll Road so dozens of palm trees were trucked in and planted along the highway. Yeesh, that is a crappy prop job.  

This movie hit the screens a mere 3 months prior to the infamous O. J. Bronco Chase. See? Life can imitate art.

What do you think of the Padres' chances for the pennant??

Reader's Request: Samurai Cop

Okay after a few weeks of prying ideas out of my readers I finally got a request. Let me say offhand I was probably better off reviewing the Barely Legal Zombi Sequel Zombie 7. Yup the turd waffle I have been asked to give the once over was directed by Amir Shervan (The Owner of Hell, Young Rebels, Hollywood Cop, Killing American Style and Gypsy) so clearly if these titles are to go on, we are in good hands. This is Samurai Cop.

Leave my wig alone!!!!!

Meet Joe Marshall (Matt Karedas of American Revenge, Samurai Cop and JAG) a bad ass cop from San Diego brought in especially to rid the streets of the Yakuza in L.A. His partner Frank Washington (Mark Frazer of Another World, Hunter, Samurai Cop and Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman) who is clearly only two day from retirement working side by side against the Japanese underworld. Our oyabun, Fujuyama (Cranston Komuro of Samurai Cop) feathers his mullet with cocaine distribution, racketeering and protection. And any of you Segal fans out there will love the bad guy discussion/exposition about Joe as apparently he studied under the sword masters (or kengou) in Japan(didn't bother to give a location in Japan so we will say Tokyo for lazy writing's sake) and he is deemed a samurai.  Main henchman or Wakagashira Yamashita (Robert Z'Dar of Maniac Cop, Tango & Cash, Maniac Cop 2, Soultaker, The Final Sanction, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, American Chinatown, Future War and Hollywood Cops) feels threatened by Joe's mere existence and vows to Mullet oyabun he will dispatch Joe.

Being a samurai cop does take it out of you but fortunately Joe is no slacker. With his tactical genius of yelling at his partner to shoot, shoot, shoot and shoot during a high speed chase to his ability to inform anything with a vagina to will herself to “keep it warm” and to wait for him, it is no wonder the ladies love him. Traffic cop/helicopter spotter/patrol cop/love interest Peggy (Melissa Moore of Sorrority House Massacre II, Vice Academy 2, Vampire Cop, Hard to Die, Angelfist, Bikini Drive-In and Hellborn) is...so frickin' one dimensional I think the writer forgot to give her a motivation or back story. I know how she looks topless and in a thong but not much else. Seriously, other than her physical attributes, I know next to nothing about this character.

Uh-oh, that three bean salad is repeating...

Racist to Costa Ricans and Japanese a plenty, with cheeseball lines and music that sounds like it was lifted from Mega Man 2 or Jan Hammer's Miami Vice soundtracks. It varied to a degree. A degree is something our heroes seem to lack, along with procedures, basic Miranda rights and extreme use of violence on the job. Frank just straight clips a guy in the shoulder while Joe lops the arm off another guy holding a gun on them. Who needs pesky crap like search warrants, search and seizure when you can simply apologize for entering a house without just cause. Just on their shots fired forms in less than a week they would still be looking at those stacks.

I kinda got the vibe that Amir rented Lethal Weapon 2, decided to duplicate it and dropped the ball. Paintballs work just as good when you don't have squibs, right? I imagine they hurt about the same. Composer Alan DerMarderosian chimes with a background like: (Hobgoblins,Vice Academy, Mind Trap, Devil Rider, Red Room, High Kicks and Good Girls Don't) so his tunes are...very motley. The dubbing was the most painful as some actors were not able to come in for ADR (automated dialogue replacement) so at least 4 cops had the same voice. Not even a different inflection of the voice or alternative take, just that one voice. As many guys went flying through glass I expected to hear either a Goofy or a Whilhelm scream (stock sound effect used in more than 220 film and TV).   The most painful thing about this movie is the exposure.  Not noticing that lighting looks different throughout the day, this car chase started at 8 in the morning and apparently finished at 5 in the afternoon.  Also our bad guys only operate during the day.  Cause they are nine to fivers or someone didn't have access to some basic portable flood lamps at night.  60 bucks a pop, dude!  Hell borrow my lantern flood lamp, at least you could shoot AT NIGHT!!!!

Matt's line delivery felt awkward until you find out he got called in 6 months later to shoot additional scenes later on with his hideous wig. It turns out he was staring at a couple of lamps, they were not well-synced and he looks like a doofus spouting his dialogue attempting to be suave sounding confused. The lovely lady wig they gave him bounces through several times you can play a drinking game on his wig or real hair shots. I caution you, your liver may get pissed at you.

So this is Lethal Weapon on a nickel and dime budget, with no real retakes, time or money to consider. We are in the barren lands of indy film that paid as they went. The best part of this movie is they are taking it so seriously with the horrific dialogue, locations and car chases. The police department looks like a telemarketing center and the boss's digs looks like a split level house my aunt and uncle bought complete with the thick baize carpeting.   The only legitimate Hollywood stable is Carlos and Charlie's a restaurant on Sunset Blvd.  Ahh, Sunset Boulevard, something else I could be watching.   Remember kids, Katana means Japanese Sword (no it doesn't. That is nihonto).

Not Michael Winslow.

Grindhouse Flicks: Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Greetings and salutations. We are at Day 5 of Grindhouse Flicks and what better way to end this week but a Femme Fatale Jiggly Girl film? Okay, that might be a bit mean but we are relying exploitation/sexploitation writer/director Russ Meyer (Eve and the Handyman, Heavenly Bodies!, Erotica, Motorpsycho!, Vixens, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, The Seven Minutes and Black Snake) so expect... well mud wrestling and buxom girls. This is Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Sexploitation??  Where?

Our anti-heroines Varla (exotic dancer Tura Satana of Who's Been Sleeping in My Bed?, The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Our Man Flint, The Astro-Zombies and the Doll Squad) rough girl Rosie (Haji of Motorpsycho!, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, Up Your Alley, Supervixens, Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, Hughes and Harlow: Angels in Hell and Demonoid: Messenger of Death) and ditzy blonde Billie (Lori Williams of Honey West, A Swingin' Summer, The Long, Hot Summer, It's a Bikini World, Love, American Style and the Marvelous Land of Oz) are three strippers....I mean go-go dancers looking for kicks and thrills and racing cars in the desert.

As they are done with racing each other they find a a couple out zipping around and decide to race these two in a time trial. After the race, Varla just snaps doofy boyfriend's neck like it was kinling and given the size of her She-Hulk physique, I can buy that. She also abducts the late doofus's girlfriend Linda (Susan Bernard of Stranger in Hollywood, The Witchmaker, That Tender Touch, The Phynx and Necromancy) because...well she is a lesbian and doofus can't please her or you know ever could. Hey he was a doofus not seeing that Varla is clearly off her rocker. Next incarnation have a sawed-off under the car seat.

Ryan Reynolds hitches a ride in the TARDIS.

They stop for gas in this one horse town and encounter a zany old guy which credits call him "the Old Man". Classy. The Old Man (Stuart Lancaster of The Born Losers, Lila, The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet, The Satin Mushroom. The Seven Minutes and Mistress of the Apes) is kooky because of a railway of accident and an inheritance of some serious coin of the realm. Varla starts getting ideas to follow him and search his ranch for the cash... with their captive hostage still in tow.

Varla lands on a plan to seduce the Old Man's eldest son Kirk (Paul Trinka of It's a Man's World, Fate Is the Hunter, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, Land of the Giants and Night Gallery) has some smoochy face with the clueless lad. Linda manages to escape Billie who decided to get bombed off her butt instead of keeping an eye on her.

This whole thing is going pear shaped Varla just tells the girls we are greasing everyone to cover up the kidnapping and the previous murder. Yeah not enough to kidnap and a homicide but this kooky dame wants to add 3 more bodies to the mix, thus pre-meditated and now moving into first-degree murder. Oh why are the hot ones always crazed murderers??

Will Kirk see through Varla's facade and shoulder roll his way to kicking her ass? Will the Gorn eat the Old Man?? Does Rosie get many lines or what?

Just jotting a few notes of interest on the flick. While a complete bomb at the box office in its original release, folks of the VHS era found it to be odd but entertaining while other felt it was a blow to the lesbian and feminist community and well yeah it really is a slap in the face to both. The cult following of the movie brings so many pop culture references to this flick I will try to catch them all.

American glam metal band Faster Pussycat clearly took the name from the movie. Dialogue from the picture itself has been lifted and spread over (kinky) four songs in White Zombie for Thunder Kiss '65, Welcome to the Planet Motherf**ker, Black Sunshine and Cosmic Monsters, Inc. Oh Rob and your love of exploitation.

 Hell, punk band the Cramps released a cover of Faster Pussycat on their mini-album in '83 Smell of Female.    As for me...well I was kinda bored to tears up until the third act so not a saving grace there.  

Some gorgeous cinematography filmed in glorious 35mm black and white with the Mitchell BNC (Blimped Newreel Camera) great for sound shot capture and gets great zoom and pan out shots. Of course they shot in Mojave Desert so I was stoked as it was giving the two ghost towns Randsburg and Johansburg filming all the action it got.   For good or bad, Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! Has made a massive impact on American culture whether it likes it or not

You owe us each for the lapdance, Old Man.

Grindhouse Flicks: Race with the Devil

Greetings my readers and on to Day 3 of Grindhouse Flicks. This is an interesting one. Imagine incorporating a horror film with action and car chases. A weird one, right? Don't worry it's not The Hitcher or its unfortunate remake. Instead we have two couples on out vacation on their way to Aspen Colorado. Rather than fly like sensible people they are gonna make an adventure of it with a RV and hopefully Trumpy of Pod People will not make an appearance. This is Race with the Devil.

Oh stop pouting, I didn't mean to eat all your jerky.

Written by exploitation writers Wes Bishop (The Pick-Up, Love Camp 7, Chain Gang Women, The Thing with Two Heads and The Black Gestapo) and writer/director Lee Frost (Hot Spur, Chain Gang Women, The Thing with Two Heads, Two for the Money, Policewomen and The Black Gestapo) and directed by actor/director Jack Starret (Cry Blood, Apache, Night Chase, Slaughter, Cleopatra Jones, A Small Town in Texas and Final Chapter: Walking Tall) we are clearly in for some unusual and possible taboo.

Roger Marsh (Peter Fonda of Easy Rider, Futureworld, Outlaw Blues, Molly & Gina, Love and a .45 and Escape from L.A.) and his business partner/racing buddy Frank Stewart (Warren Oates of In the Heat of the Night, The Wild Bunch, Badlands, Stripes, The Border, Blue Thunder and Tough Enough) run a fairly prosperous motorcycle dealership between designing their own cycles and pawning off Hodaka 100s they decide it is time for a break and Frank preps a 30 foot RV for everyone's enjoyment. Frank's wife Alice (Loretta Swit of M*A*S*H, Freebie and the Bean, The Love Boat, Beer, 14 Going on 30 and Forest Warrior) has got it all packed and Roger's wife Kelly (Lara Parker of Dark Shadows, Adventures of the Queen, Mobile One, The Solitary Man, Galactica 1980 and Rooster) is all excited to bring the Lhas Apso along.

ON YOUR RIGHT!!!

After more than a few hours on the road, everyone is getting a bit punchy, probably due to roadside food and too much I-Spy games. The lot sets up camp in a remote area of central Texas...barely 3 hours from San Antonio so you know they are making great time and the guys break out the dirt bikes to cut loose. The ladies tuckered from the lengthy trek across Texas (large frickin' state lemme tell you) so they turn in while the fellas go out wandering for a bit, chewing the fat when they stumble across what looks to be a human sacrifice??? The guys get jumped by the Satanists and have to duke their way out of harm's way, make it back to the RV and hightail it out of there.

The local butt scratcher, I mean sheriff (R.G. Armstrong of Lone Wolf McQuade, Trapper John, M.D., The Best of Times, Jocks, Predator, Friday the 13^th The Series and Payback) sits on his doughy good ole boy ass and tells the fellas you probably just saw some hippies killing a dog and overreacting to it. The gang insists on going to Amarillo and give this sample of dirt with the victim's blood to the authorities while the girls have lifted a few books on the occult from the local library. SHAME!!!

With the Satanists in hot pursuit of our foursome (didn't mean for that to sound dirty) Frank and Roger buy a couple of splatter guns to defend themselves.

Will anyone come to their rescue? Will the Satanists raise the dark lord and master? Will Lara Parker regret being in a Satanist movie?

A few comments on the movie now.

Writer Wes Bishop appears as Deputy Dave and the director Jack Starrett was the gas station attendant towards the end of the flick. Lara Parker used to be roomies with Jane Fonda when they were attending Vassar College.

Jack Starrett replaced Lee Frost when Head of Fox Alan Ladd Jr was less than satisfied with the dailies and demanded the footage be re-shot so most Lee's work was in the trash. This was in theatres 7 days after JAWS was released. Bad timing fellas.

Leatherface is sporting a new look.  Good for him.

As the Season Goes On: Burn Notice Season 4

Greetings one and all to As the Seasons Go On. Naturally I speak not of the physical seasons from summer to the dreaded winter but of TV series. Today we get back in touch with our favorite burnt spy as he had just saved Management from a deadly assassin that was completely crackers then was whisked away to a secret holding facility. Is this the beginning or the end of Michael Westen? This is Burn Notice Season 4.

That awkward moment ignoring Sam's beer farts.

With Michael (Jeffrey Donovan of Bait, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, Touching Evil, Law & Order, Crossing Jordan and Fargo) gathered up to God knows where, he is greeted by Vaughn (Robert Wisdom of Face/Off, Supernatural, Happy Town, Passion Play, Nashville, Spider-Man: Web of Shadows and The Wire) of the organization that burned Michael with open arms and congratulations. Vaughn breaks down that Westen has major brownie points for saving Management from Simon and there is still plenty of work to be done to insure America's choice of lifestyle and so on and so forth. Man, their mantras are all sounding alike. They can honestly justify to you, me and themselves the need to torch villages for the greater good. Pointing out how they got off to a rocky start, they have a mastermind, a shadow figure with deep pockets dispatching the organization's people left and right.

Uriel from Supernatural???  Oh crap.

In spite how Michael feels about the organization, he knows the good they can do without having to be bogged down with red tape and procedures. Michael agrees to look into it but he wants to handle it his way. That in mind, he is back in Miami as Sam (Bruce Campbell of The Evil Dead, Running Time, Ellen, Pitfall 3-D: Beyond the Jungle,Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Xena: Warrior Princess,Spider-Man and Ash Vs Evil Dead) our boozy flirty former Navy SEAL and everyone's favorite IRA sharpshooter and demolitionist Fiona (Gabrielle Anwar of Scent of a Woman, For Love or Money, The Three Musketeers, The Practice, The Tudors, The Family Tree and A Warrior's Heart) are back in the game and glad to have Michael back. Naturally his mother Madeline (Sharon Glass of Cagney & Lacey, Turnabout, House Calls, The Trials of Rosie O' Neill, Queer as Folk and Nip/Tuck) makes an appearance and offers sage advice in-between Marlboros.

While doing the super spy gig, Michael gets a spy Jesse Porter (Coby Bell of L.A. Doctors, Third Watch, Halo: Reach, Archer and The Game) burned. Westen befriends Jesse in the hopes he can get his position back and clear his name before Jesse gets hip to who did the actual deed. Juggling personal, professional and emotional baggage. Westen and crew need to stop this global mogul before he takes more of what he wants when he wants or more people will die. Irking biker gangs, syndicates and foreign intelligence presents a whole bunch of fight scenes, car chases, gun battles and more than a few guest stars.

So does it ever cool down in this town?

Schwarzenegger Week: Red Heat

Welcome to Day 4 of Schwarzenegger Week and it is clearly time for even more shots of Arnold's butt.  No, straight men you will have to accept this tradition that has been since The Terminator and move on.   This time around Arnold will attempt an accent that is not his own but learn some Russian and pummel even more bad guys in various state of dress.  Coupled with Jim Belushi he will thwart crime and take down the head villain.  This is Red Heat.

Keep it at 50 or we blow up!

Art Ridzik:  I'm gonna get us something from the four food spoilers: hamburgers, french fries, coffee and doughnuts.





Writer/director of action Walter Hill (The Warriors, 48 Hrs., Crossroads, Extreme Prejudice, Johnny Handsome, Another 48 Hrs. and Last Man Standing)  give us a slew of buddy cop cliches, hard hitting one-liners and many composure of James Horner (Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Krull, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, Commando, Cocoon, Willow and Glory) brings a gritty and dark look the differences of countries, police work and views on life.    A Georgian drug lord Viktor Rostavili (Ed O' Ross of Lethal Weapon, Full Metal Jacket, Action Jackson, Another 48 Hrs., Universal Soldier, Dark Planet and Sorority Party Massacre) is being led into a trap via Captain Ivan Danko (Arnold Schwarzenegger of Raw Deal, Twins, Kindergarten Cop, Dave, True Lies, T2 3-D: Battle Across Time and Batman & Robin) only to have to tables turn as Rosta's men gun down more than a few of the Soviet cops including Danko's partner.  Yes, now he made it personal and so on.

Well it's August.  Of course I am sweaty.

 Rosta makes his way to the States and lands in Chicago to peddle his wares when CPD gets wind of it and nabs him up.  Assigned to a plethora of murders with Rosta's m.o. Detective Art Ridzik (James Belushi of Salvador, The Principal, Real Men, K-9, Taking Care of Business, Last Action Hero and According to Jim) is there to represent Chicago PD as a prisoner transfer to Danko is to take place when Rosta's men strike again and now Ridzik looses his partner.  Double jeopardy babies!!  The two completely different cops team up in good faith and pursue Rosta and his lackeys up and down over half of Chicago causing more than their fair share of destruction to public and private property and have several shoot-outs in the process.

A few notes on the film itself if you will.

 This Hodge podge collection of action and pithy comments has more than the usual cadre of stars in it including: Gina Gershon, Laurence Fishburne, Peter Boyle and Arnold's weightlifting and sparring buddy Sven-Ole Thorsen.    I swear that guy has been in every Arnold flick to the day.  So the concept of the film is not exactly original.  Two cops from different sides of the track (or countries) are forced to team, argue, snipe, bitch, work together and become buddies by the end of the film.

Okay the formula has been used numerous times by even our director but it works.  We have action, some comedic moments and Arnold looks like a stone face golem, hell bent on crushing his chosen opponent and Belushi is really along for the ride.  I do not discount the humor and attitude he brings to the picture but it is hard to look like a bad ass next to Schwarzenegger...  unless you are Stallone.

Ivan Danko: Pro Vodka.

Indiana Jones Week: The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones: Spring Break Adventure

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Day 5 of Indiana Jones Week and yes we still are NOT reviewing Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. YAY!!!!   For reasons following that, how about another Young Indy adventure?  This time around I thought I would bring us stateside with Indy surviving the horrors of High School, being a soda jerk and dating Nancy Stratemeyer (daughter of Edward Stratemeyer, creator of the Bobsy Twins, Tom Swift and Nancy Drew).  Not too interesting, you say?  How about a Spring Break that ends with a Mexican Revolution?   This is The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones: Spring Break Adventure.

Father drones on after a few sherries. 

Pancho Villa:  I thought I was riding with men, not killers.  Soldiers and heroes not looking for more spoilers to be spilled.




In February 1916 with Spring Break on the rise, Indy (Sean Patrick Flanery of The Storyteller, Into the Fire, Masters of Horror, The Insatiable, Stephen King's Dead Zone and Dexter) is itching to take his gal Nancy (Robin Lively of Wildcats, Teen Witch, The Karate Kid, Part III, A Deadly Obsession and The Wrong Woman) to the prom.  But Mr. Stratemeyer is busy with the latest Tom Swift and hasn't the time to have the car repaired before the dance.  Thomas Edison's assistant Professor Thompson (Mark L. Taylor of Innerspace, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and Arachnophobia) assures Indy he can fix the generator to the car when thugs steals Edison's new battery design plus the prototype.  With the break-in, the theft of both plans and battery swiped and word of German spies; Nancy and Indy try to unravel the mystery.

Gee whiz, bicycles don't get you girls!

The adventure doesn't end there when Indy travels with his father to visit family in Albuquerque New Mexico where Indy goes "camping" with his cousin Frank (Stephen Graf of No Job for a Lady, Young Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Jackal and 6:41) to Columbus New Mexico for a taste of a good ole brothel.  Unbeknownst to the boys, Pancho Villa (Mike Moroff of La Bamba, Robocop, Cage, Desperado, From Dusk Till Dawn) and his revolutionaries had raided the town for goods and supplies.  Indy chases the bandito Francois (Francesco Quinn of Platoon, Casablanca Express, Murder Blues, Top Dog, Nowhere Land and The Young and the Restless) jumps the guy and the two start grappling.  Indy is taken at gun point thinking this is the end when Villa is less than pleased with this petty behavior, chastises the men and they fall in line.
Stirred by the General's passion and words, Indy joins the revolution and carries on the fight to free Mexico as the US forces seethe their way into Mexico waging war against the revolutionaries at the request of the Mexican government.

A few comments to make about the film now.   During the riding sequence, Flanery got to ride Tornado, the horse Harrison Ford rode in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.  This episode is later referenced in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull as Indy talks with Mutt.

 Mike Moroff's grandfather actually rode alongside the actual Pancho Villa and his aunt received love letters from the revolutionary himself which Moroff inherited.  A true piece of history in Moroff's eyes.

One more Frito Bandito joke and you are off the picture!

Dirty Harry Week: Magnum Force

Welcome back to Day 2 of Dirty Harry Week.  Today is one of my personal favorites out of the batch.  Homicides are piling up in the old town of San Francisco, which is nothing new but this time around the victims may all have something in common and it is up to Harry to figure out what is going on and how to stop it.  This is Magnum Force.

Scram Mormons!!!

Harry Callahan:  The rest of you could shoot like them, I wouldn't care if the whole damn department was spoiler.



Mobster Ricca gets acquitted due to a technicality in the case and is off on the road when a traffic cop pulls him over.  No sooner is he done looking at the driver's ID he comes back and wastes all three men in the car at point blank range.

Inspector Callahan and his partner Early Smith (Felton Perry of The Towering Inferno, Sudden Death, Down and Out in Beverly Hills, Robocop and Robocop 2) have been lifted from Homicide to a stake out duty on a kingpin when their Lieutenant, Neil Briggs (Hal Holbrook of All the President's Men, Lincoln, Midway, The Fog and The Bachelor) has Ricca and crew's homicides looked into and Harry is just the man to stick the job with.   Early and Harry look over the Lincoln and get the ballistics and corner reports while an house party of a known scumbag gets gunned down, guests and all.

Doing anything tonight, bright eyes?

As Callahan and Smith pursue the case, a known pimp is also smoked like turkey at close range but Harry notices the pimp's cash is available like a bribe to a traffic cop.  Later that day Callahan meets four rookie traffic cops with impeccable aim at the gun range.  Turns out all four men are former Airborne Rangers and chose to carry the good fight on in civvie life via police.

I had just a few comments to make about this film.  This is the second of the Dirty Harry series as was directed by Ted Post (Gunsmoke, Rawhide, Hang 'Em High, Peyton Place and Beneath the Planet of the Apes).  Our four rookies are played by David Soul (Here Come the Brides, Starsky and Hutch, Salem's Lot and Tides of War) Tim Matheson (Animal House, 1941, Fletch, Cannonball Fever, Trial & Error and Burn Notice) Kip Niven (Earthquake, Damnation Alley, New Year's Evil and The Painting), who I didn't immediately recognize and lastly but certainly not least Robert Urich (SWAT, Vegas, Spencer: For Hire and Night of the Wolf).

 With a fast pace, disturbing content and a bit of nudity this hard hitting action film pushed boundaries and make us root for Harry yet again.

JUST PAY THE PARKING FINE!!!!

Dirty Harry Week: Dirty Harry

Hey kids and welcome to Day 1 of Dirty Harry Week.  The saga of Inspector Callahan and his Smith and Wesson Model 29 .44 Magnum.  Personally anything over a .357 Python seems to be a bit much but hey this cat can one hand it so more power to him.  A different breed of cop is needed for the streets of the 1970's.  One that has the stomach to dish it out as much as he takes.  So hand me that oil, prep me some hollow points and cover your ears.  This is Dirty Harry.

HANDS AT TEN AND TWO!!!

De Georgio: Morning, Harry.
Morning, fatso. Spoiler wants to see you.
De Georgio: You are a sweet man, Harry.



A serial killer roams the street of San Francisco and prowls its rooftops with a sniper rifle.  He calls himself Scorpio (Andrew Robinson of Barnaby Jones, Cobra, Hellrasier, Shoot to Kill, Child's Play 3 and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) and seems to murder at random or when it suits his purpose.  He demands $100,000 dollars from the Mayor's office or his next target will be a priest or a n*gger.  The Mayor (John Vernon of Point Blank, Topaz, The Outlaw Josey Wales and  Animal House) wants this handled with care as they are not about to pay an assassin to not kill deeming it terrorism and asks Inspector Callahan (Clint Eastwood of Rawhide, Fistful of Dollars, Magnum Force, Sudden Impact, Heartbreak Ridge and Unforgiven) to defuse this situation with subtly and diplomacy.

Oh yes, he looks completely sane.

Harry's Lieutenant, Bressler (Harry Guardino of Houseboat, Pork Chop Hill, The Five Pennies and The Enforcer) is a bit of a kiss ass, easy going with the brown nosers and has no issues with the press conferences but must have an ulcer the size of a softball with Harry's pension for attracting wackos, weirdos and scumbags.
Our villain is stepping up the game as he kidnaps a girl to make up for being shot at by Harry after a foiled attempt on a priest's life.  The first face-to-face meeting with Scorpio, he comes alone and unarmed.  Scorpio kicks hims, taunts him about he may kill the girl anyway and Harry stabs the slime with a switchblade.  Only to start the dance all over again.

I have just a few comments to make at this time. The National Film Registry deemed this film historically and culturally significant for a full restoration in 2012.

Andrew Robinson's portrayal of Scorpio was so effective that he had to get an unlisted number after several death threats from mail and phone.  Wonder if Kane Hodder is approached with axes, hammers and pitchforks for being an effective Jason Vorhees.  Robinson ad-libbed his line"My, that's a big one" aimed at Harry's hand cannon and the scene had to be reshot due to laughing crew.   Eastwood performed all his own stunts, even leaping onto the roof of the bus.  Guess he's no sissy.

Get back in your seats and STOP DOING THE WAVE!!

Larson 80s TV Week: Magnum P.I.

Hiya kiddies and welcome back for another helping of Larson 80’s TV Week.   Boy I make the weeks longer and more confusing than Mapquest directions.  This time around I thought we would find us another tough guy with even better hair, better build and rocking a solid mustache.  He hails from Hawaii though sounds like he is from Chicago.  This is Magnum P.I.

Yeah a delicious shake and a two hour workout.

Mac: Time has little do with spoiler and jelly donuts.

Based in Honolulu Hawaii our shameless shamus stays at the palatial Robin’s Nest Estate owned by world acclaimed novelist Robin Masters…who is never ever at this amazing crib.  Seriously, I have never seen this cat appear in any episode.   It was eluded in the pilot episode that our flatfoot Thomas Magnum (Tom Selleck of Daughters of Satan, 3 Men and a Baby, An Innocent Man, The Closer, Friends, Jesse Stone: Stone Cold and Blue Bloods) had done Masters a serious favor…guess he hid all the dead hookers that one time in Vegas…anyway apparently since Masters is nowhere on the premises he allows Magnum the run of the roost if you will including being about to roll up in a GORGEOUS Ferrari 308 GTS and probably raids the wine cellar for the good stuff.  

Whadda mean I ain't rocking the Bogart?? Jerks.

Between his cases he has to contend with Masters’ groundskeeper, butler and all around handyman John Higgins (John Hillerman of Blazing Saddles, Chinatown. At Long Last Love, Ellery Queen and Valerie) a former British Army Sergeant Major who was the model of a major general who has information, vegetable, animal and mineral…oh wait, no sorry that’s The Pirates of Penzance.   Higgins patrols the grounds with two horrible abominations before the eyes of the Lord, Doberman Pinschers named Zeus and Apollo.   I guess one is faster than lightning and sleeps with anything that moves and the other is very sunny. 

Aside from his daily grind with Higgins, Magnum’s…associates…cohorts???  Ah screw it, his sidekicks.    One is T.C.  Calvin (Roger E. Mosley of Hit Man, Cruise Into Terror, The Jericho Mile, Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper, Letters from a Killer and FCU: Fact Checkers Unit), former Marine recon now tourist helicopter pilot for the island and their buddy Rick Right (Larry Manetti of Sudden Death, Black Sheep Squadron, Battlestar Galactica, Swamp Thing and Hawaii Five-0) also former Marine recon that now owns Rick’s Place a nice homage to Casablanca and hey, who doesn’t love Bogart?    To give the show a nice throwback to the 30’s dimestore detective Magnum does a lot of narrative in each case giving it humorous content in the midst of even the most dire of situations.

I had just a few points about the show now.   It has been established that Magnum and his buddies are from the same Vietnam outfit but we never saw any of them using Marine takedowns, martial arts or handle their firearms in that level of training.  However, this show was the first portrayal of Vietnam vets in a positive light and that has to count for something there alone.  It was hinted at that the producers wanted Orson Welles to appear as the enigmatic Robin Masters but sadly he passed away shortly after voice acting in Transformers: The Movie as the planet devouring Unicron.    

With the series lasting 9 years, a bevy of female and male clients and a memorable TV intro theme, Selleck was proud to be a part of TV history but only after the writers laxed his character a bit instead of making him too smooth and lady killer but more of a down to Earth jock type.

What's wrong with my shirt?

Larson 80's TV Week: Knight Rider

Hello all and welcome to Larson 80’s TV Week and I thought I would start us off with a series many of us know of and enjoyed.  Some of us scoffed at its creation while many hold it up to the echelons of Television.  What do you get when you cross a Charlie’s Angels philanthropist with a Lone Ranger theme?   Why, you get a former cop operating as a field agent and a car with a few optional extras such as: being bulletproof and fireproof, a turbo boost, oil slick and an artificial intelligence.   So buckle up, sport a leather jacket and get ready to jet across the road.  This is Knight Rider.

What do you mean turtlenecks don't go with a leather jacket, Tim Gunn?

Michael: I need ya spoiler!

KITT: Right away Michael.

Brought to us by creator/producer Glen A. Larson (B.J. and the Bear, Battlestar Galactica, Buck Rodgers in the 25^th Century, Terror at Alcatraz, Trauma Center and Automan) tells the story of a cop wounded to near death in the line of duty.  Having no personal attachments like friends and family, Michael Long is nursed back to health by an anonymous millionaire benefactor of Knight Industries.  With plastic surgery he has a new face and name: Michael Knight.

By your command...

Michael Knight (David Hasselhoff of Shaka Zulu, Fire and Rain, The Final Alliance, The Bulkin Trail, Avalanche, Nick Fury: Agent of Shield, Baywatch and Layover) was recruited by Knight Industries and his only connection has been through an associate Miles Devon (Edward Mulhare of Signpost to Murder, Our Man Flint, Eye of the Devil, The Ghost & Mrs. Muir and Murder, She Wrote).  Devon explains his part in this organization is to equip and support Michael in his new ventures and assignments. 

The identity Michael Knight is allowing him to operate as a federal agent linked to the justice organization, the Foundation for Law and Government (FLAG) and Michael needs reliable wheels and behold the Knight Industries Two Thousand or KITT if you will.  A armored 1982 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am with an artificial intelligence, with smoke screen, oil slick and even a NOS injected turbo boost to be used sparingly (once per episode).  Coupled with the lovely engineer  and personal assistant Bonnie Barstow (Patricia McPherson of Prime Risk, Knight Rider, Starman, MacGyver, Star Trek: The Next Generation and Warehouse 13) an a decent right cross, Michael and KITT go head to head against organized crime, drug dealers and even terrorist cells.

I had just a few observations of the show at this time.   While this is considered somewhat hokey today the advancements of technology is not that farfetched but the expenses of KITT would be obscene.   KITT loved by many was deemed worthy an adversary named KARR (Knight Automated Roving Robot) KITT predecessor that had only been programmed for self-preservation and had no qualms about human safety.    The auto cruise option actually moved Hasselhoff in the passenger seat while a stunt driver sat in a black outfit.  Several of the kit KITT cars were done with scale models at 1/8^th scale Monogram kits model trains for jumps and KITT Pontiac cars.  The life sized scale vehicles were fiberglass units for crashing in the water, and the jumping car was completely hollow to launch off a ramp hidden well away from the cameras but occasionally got caught in frame not unlike the boom mike.

Punch it, KITT!  We gotta get out of Burbank!