Crocodile II: Death Swamp

Okay and I am back from yesterday's creature feature goofy goodness. But according to IMDB and we know how it NEVER fails us, there's a sequel to Crocodile. But how can that be? Did Princess live near Amity, sense another croc is coming for her family, fly down to the Bahamas, get romantically involved with Michael Caine and then kill the croc? Or is that another flick?

Any rate, this next movie has no ties to Crocodile WHATSOEVER. This as best reeks of Foreign distributions; when they link a film similar to a per-existing film and create a near franchise. So this would be a sequel in NAME ONLY. This is Crocodile 2: Death Swamp a.k.a. Crocodile II a.k.a. Death Roll a.k.a. Crocodile 2: Death Roll

Totally.

Yup when it's got that many alternative titles, you just know...it's a fifty-fifty chance you will be butt hurt from the movie. Our opus opens with a bank heist. Yeah! I'm guessing the bank was insured by the crocodile rather than the FDIC. The heist is handled and these four morons manage to not shoot themselves in the foot, waste about 3 guards and they're outta there! Cut to Mia (Heidi Lenhart of Creepy Crawlers, Deadly Sins, El Hazard: Wanderers, Maybe This Time, Night Stand, Eagle Riders, Fame L.A., Au Pair, Beverly Hills, 90210, Final Ascent and Au Pair II), a plucky and perky flight attendant having a split screen heartfelt chat with her wiener boyfriend. He gave her a Zippo lighter as a present. Um...kay.

As luck or as the plot depicted, the four bank robbers happen to be taking this particular flight together. WTF??!! Folks, let's be real for a moment. Police are looking for four men that just took down a large bank for some serious coin. Divvy up the cash, go to a fence and get 75 cents on the dollar and walk the hell away! Oh and let's hit the point that PISSES me off! So how with the heighten alert of air traffic issues after 9-11, these knuckle knobs somehow just brought guns on an airplane. 

Call me Snipes again you mutha,and they gonna scrape your brains.

Head honcho Max (Darryl Theirse of The Jeff Foxworthy Show, Chicago Cab, Jack & Jill, Popular, Jesse and Spin City), his right hand man, Squid (James Parks of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, You Know My Name, Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money, JAG, Crusade, Stargate SG-1, Star Trek: Enterprise, Kill Bill: Vol.1, Deadwood and Kill Bill: Vol.2) and creepy raper Sol (Jon Sklaroff of Masked and Anonymous, The Guardian, NCIS, Boston Legal, Nip/Tuck, Bones, Big Top, Shark, Journeyman and Monk).    Seriously, I think Max just flipped through Soldier of Fortune for his top notch crew or his fixer was extremely pissed off at him.

So the plane lands in the swamps that aren't swamps and this plane crash made national news in less than two hours. Wow. That is impressive coverage.   Wiener boy Zach (Chuck Walczak of Costello, Just Shoot Me!, Pensacola: Wings of Gold, Cover Me: Based on the True Life of an FBI Family, ER, 24, First Monday and JAG) wanted his girl in Acapulco and he's flipping out. Fortunately he's in a bar with an ace pilot and his wookie. No wait, that's some other flick. Former Navy SEAL pilot/tracker, Roland (Martin Kove of Bloodtide, The Karate Kid, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Cagney & Lacey, Wyatt Earp, Death Match, Savage Season and VFW) is ready for a charter...when he sobers up a bit. The dude has been tossing them back. 

Our bumble-some bank robbers feeling they haven't jacked up enough felonies, proceed to execute the injured because...Yeah I have absolutely no idea. The passengers cannot tattle, most don't have a phone and they're miles from anyone. Grab your money and book! Nope better to make them hostages cuz ya never know.

30 minutes into the flick and we finally saw crockers. I and a few friends are trying desperately to link the two movies, so the basic theory is the croc they did kill with guns was the baby croc in the first film, now mama croc is on another rampage. Yeah kinda feel we did more work than the writers there.

So we have a pretty abysmal CGI crock of shit er um I mean crocodile, some decent stunts and thankfully Martin Kove.

Will there be any passengers left? Will Roland and Weener Boy save Mia? Is Mama Croc bulletproof like in the first film?

I'm going to be honest, aside from James Parks and Martin Kove I barely recognized Heidi Lenhart and had no clue who most of the actors were. I kept calling Max as "Almost Snipes" due to the thin mustache Snipes wore in Blade. Yup, there wasn't a lot of thought process there but I wanted to match the intensity of the film. The scenes drag on, people are picked off by Mama Rampage there and frankly, I barely had the energy to mock/riff the film as it dulled my senses.

Quick FYI to the parents. Um the swearing is substantial. A 125 f bombs and about 50 mf bombs so yeah, there's that.

If you're looking for a sleep aid, Crocodile 2: Death Swamp is a good start. A hard hitting action movie, with clever one-liners, an amazing cast and deep meaningful dialogue and story telling, again go watch Jaws. My mind is going numb just writing this review, imagine what watching the film can do to your psyche. The sequel should star Roland and his newly acquired poodle, Princess as these two hire out to the highest bidder to hunt and kill crocodiles.

Worst Uber service...ever.

House Stories: House IV: Home Deadly Home

Welly, welly well, I am back my fine readers. This time around writer/director Lewis Abernathy (DeepStar Six, House IV and Terminal Invasion) this flick fell under direct-to-video comedy horror and produced by Sean S. Cunningham and composed by Harry Mandfredini which should have been House III but apparently if some of the crew members and a killer haunting a house but we have Roger Cobb reappear. This is House IV: Home Deadly Home.

So that writing gig blew, on to repairing projectors.

Also known as House 4: The Repossession, the reappearance of Roger Cobb (William Katt of Carrie, The Greatest American Hero, House, Daddy's Girl, Mother Teresa: In the Name of God's Poor, Jawbreaker, Justice League, Gamers and The Man from Earth) with a new family? Yup continuity said screw you former wife Sandy and son Jimmy. No real explanation at all for that. Thankfully he washed his hands of "those people", yeah I said it! Anywho, Roger now has wife name of Kelly (Terri Treas of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Santa Barbara, Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell, Alien Nation, Roger Corman's Frankenstein Unbound, Alien Nation: Dark Horizon and Alien Nation Millennium) and daughter Laurel (Melissa Clayton of Caddie Woodlawn, House IV, Stay the Night, A Child Lost Forever: The Jerry Sherwood Story and Land's End) and a step-brother?? Yes only child Roger Cobb magically has a step-brother name of Burke (Scott Burkholder of Crimson Tide, Gone in Sixty Seconds, Bandits, Swordfish, Impostor, ER and Six Feet Under) who WE HAVE NEVER HEARD OF, gets in touch with Roger about dead old dad (of which we didn't know who he was prior) passing and leaving him a creepy house...say ain't that familiar? I like to think of this as Earth-2 Roger Cobb with a different story arc than from the first movie. Maybe this one did in Big Ben slitting his throat from ear to ear. Moving on the house could be sold but Roger refuses to sell it while Burke wants to buy the house with his company's scratch so they can bulldoze it down make the land more profitable because it doesn't look like there is a neighbor for over two miles in the frickin' desert!!!!

Why am I hanging with you white devils again?

On the way home, Roger and family have a car accident that puts Roger in a coma, daughter Laurel in a wheelchair and somehow Kelly is completely unharmed minus a sprained wrist or some such. Roger is so messed up that Kelly has to decide whether or not to pull the plug (SPOILERS!!! Yeah she does) so it was really worth dragging William Katt back to the franchise. Kelly's wisdom on the whole scenario is to selling the house of their dreams and moving in the creeper old house for the sake of her dead hubby. Burke comes around and pesters Kelly to sell and she refuses. Later on, kooky supernatural events like: objects moving, portal opening, general whackdoo.

A vision the spirit of Roger is trying to warn Kelly that the car accident was actually a murder attempt to gack the lot of them to claim the house. Kelly views this logically and hires a Native American spirit guide Ezra (Ned Romero of Hang 'Em High, I Will Fight No More Forever, Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice and Expiration Date) who points out the spirits want to help her against Burke and his "associates". Will Kelly have piece of mind? Will Roger get more screen time than 10 maybe 12 minutes overall?

The house looks very similar to the family house in Bad Dreams. The movie formula is back to a R rating giving it the near equivalence of the original in the sense that it is a horror comedy and has a house. Aside from that though, yeah this is not for those that have eyes, a soul or even a brain stem. Loved seeing Charlie Blackfoot (Ned Romero)again but yeah this was kind of a waste of time.

Jason Vorhees, Victor Crowley...Pizza Man.

House Stories: House III: The Horror Show

Sorry about the delay. Brain hating migraines. Enough of that, time to get back to the continuing series of House. Yeah this film isn't even supposed to be a link to series but thanks to distribution from foreign to domestic this film was released under... wait for it, ALTERNATIVE TITLES!!!! The producers decided they need to rename this film House 3 for the foreign market because...reasons. Yeah I was surprised it turns out House IV should have been House III but produced by Sean S. Cunningham and composed by Harry Manfredini simply made our original third film House IV to solve all the issues and baffle about every collector. This is House 3 a.k.a. The Horror Show a.k.a. La casa 7 a.k.a.Evil Dead 7 and House III: The Horror Show.

Yer gonna die ya filthy replicant.

Directed by the late SFX creator/director James Isaac (The Horror Show, Jason X, Skinwalkers and Pig Hunt) follows the story of Detective McCarthy (Lance Henriksen of The Terminator, Savage Dawn, Aliens, Near Dark, Pumpkinhead, Alien 3, Man's Best Friend, No Escape, The Quick and the Dead and Millennium) finally catches America's most successful serial killer with a kill count of 110 people. Our vicious and ridiculous laughing Max "Meat Cleaver" Jenke (Brion James of Blade Runner, 48 Hrs., A Breed Apart, Crimewave, Silverado, Enemy Mine, Cherry 2000, Red Heat and Tango & Cash). Yes 110 people went to their deaths somehow with the cops never noticing or finding any clues and correlation to the other deaths. That stupid cackle will drive you bat crap crazy.

Pumpkinhead 5: Harvest Season.

So sentenced finally to his death via electrocution only physically but...it in fact made him into a electric being that can manifest into all those who dare to watch his execution. This particular concept of executed serial killer coming back to life and stalk folks down was based originally in Wes Craven's Shocker and Robert Resnikoff's The First Power. Fearing for the lives for his family, wife Donna (Rita Taggart of Coming Home, The Horror Show, Limbo and Mulholland Drive) and kids Bonnie (Dedee Pfeiffer of For Your Love, Falling Down, Cybill, Up Close & Personal, Burn Notice and Flatline) and Scott (Aron Eisenberg of Amityville: The Evil Escapes, Streets, Prayer of the Rollerboys, Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge and The Liar's Club) as Max haunts them from beyond the grave. The common theory is he wanted to drive Lance Henriksen crackers before killing him. Will McCarthy be able to save his family? Can Jenke be stopped? Will anyone give a crap??

Several scenes had to be removed to avoid an X rating according to the MPAA's standards. The European release I saw has some serious gore that frankly wasn't over the top by Saw's standards. Loved how Jenke's apartment was completely untouched, none of his stuff removed and clues that he was intrigued by McCarthy and his family for ages. Death row takes years so who the hell was paying for that apartment to stay open for a convicted serial killer?

Yeah it was painful, plotholes of electromagnetic evils and the effects were fair. Buck up folks, we still have one more House movie to go.

How's my breath??!!!

House Stories: House II: The Second Story

Back again gentle readers. I do so hope House was enjoyable and you all rushed to your DVD stores and got a copy. This time around we move into the realm of sequels. Yes, I know how many you feel about sequels. Many times I view them as inferior creations relying on basing from the original and never surpassing it. Yet we have Aliens, Godfather II and Superman II so conjure of that what you will. This next story prepares you for a new story with a new house with a barrage of characters rating at PG-13 rather than first's R rating. This is House II: The Second Story.

So according to Ancestry.com I'm my own grandpa.

Practically growing up in a video store I say two different covers for this film. Our movie written by screenwriter Ethan Wiley (House, House II: The Second Story, Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror, Brutal, Black Ops, Bear, Elf-Man and Journey to the Forbidden Valley) brings us twenty something yuppie Jesse (Arye Gross of Tequila Sunrise, For the Boys, A Midnight Clear, The Opposite Sex and How to Live with Them, Ellen and Castle) and his music producer girlfriend Kate (Lar Park-Lincoln of Friday the 13^th Part VII:The New Blood, Knots Landing, Freddy's Nightmares, City of Justice, From the Dark, Gravestoned and The Dancer) have got to inspect the house from his inheritance where his parents murdered while he was a baby, a bizarre home with mixture of Gothic and Aztec design filled with passages and many rooms. Of all the rooms, a fireplace fixture on the mantelpiece was a human sized skull made of crystal (It belongs in a museum!!!) made flawless.

The House that Goofy Made.

His talent manager buddy Charlie (Jonathan Stark of Fright Night, There Were Times, Dear, Project X, Cheers, Bright Lights, Big City, Rain Man, The Spirit of '76, Career Opportunities, Ellen and Stop It) and his singer diva girlfriend Lana (Amy Yasbeck of Days of Our Lives, Magnum, P.I., Generations, Pretty Woman, Problem Child, , Problem Child 2, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, The Mask, Wings, Alright Already and Little Women, Big Cars) seems to be the latest, new thing and the two start conversing with Kate's boss John (Bill Maher of Out of Time, Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, Pizza Man, Politically Incorrect, Bill Maher: The Decider and Real Time with Bill Maher) while Jesse and Charlie decide to research the skull's history finding it is told to offer a great wish or even the possibility of giving the owner immortality. Jesse and Charlie take off to dig up the relative, Jesse's great, great grandfather and Jesse's name sake. Grandfather or Gramps (Royal Dano of Man of the West, Never Steal Anything Small, Posse From Hell, Death Valley Days, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Gunsmoke, Big Bad Mama and Capone) turns out to not be as dead as they thought and sneak him into the house. He warns the lads that the skull can effect the very fabric of time and space, the house becomes a nexus of different timelines. The Doctor would be fascinated and disturbed at the same time. Aztecs appear, pop Gramps in the head and snagged the skull going through the walls.

Another of Cheer alumni makes his way, electrian Bill (John Ratzenberger of Cheers, Captain Planet and the Planeteers, That Darn Cat, One Night Stand, Toy Story, Monsters, Inc., Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Cars and Ratatouille) checks their wiring in the house and discovers one of those damn pesky temporal portals. Can the boys get the skull back? What other terrors await them? What rewards are to be found?

Sean S. Cunningham once again produced this film and composer Harry Manfredini brings his "A" game for the orchestral. Industrial Light and Magic Phil Tippett brought on the stop motion animation. I goofed not acknowledging Ethan Wiley wrote this film as well as the previous one. Creature sound effects is brought to us by voice actor Frank Welker. This is goofy, fun and just plain entertaining and yes it is safe for young ones in my eyes.

My tanning bed was set too high.

Sequel Rebound: Troll 2

Day 4 of Sequels Rebound is here! Yes we have reached the end of week avoiding pitfalls cliches, tropes and other such writing minutia. We struggle through the sequel in name only variety again as the previous movie was not only in my opinion, not deemed worthy of continuing let alone should have been released to the public for mental safety issues it could create. The brain trusts at Filmirage Productions via Italy felt that writer/director Claudio Fragasso (Strike Commando, Robowar, Zombi 3, Shocking Dark a.k.a. Bruno Mattei's Terminator 2) whose English is broken, takes an Italian film crew to the land of Utah and... makes a PG-13 Horror movie? This is Troll 2.

Not an uncommon site in the woods..a chesty brunette heading to Grandma's house, no doubt.

Grandfather Seth is telling young Josh Waits (Michael Stephenson of Beyond Darkness, The Bulkin Trail, The Paper Brigade and Before He Wakes) the tale of the ancient goblins that once roamed the lands, tricking the innocent into trusting them and devouring them whole. Josh and sister Holly (Connie Young, The Singles Yard, Sons of Provo and Heaven's Door) journey with their parents to the far away town of Nilbog. A farming community that seems to be only inhabited by the people of Torgo and the Creeper as they leave their home for a month and exchange with a local family in Nilbog. Grandpa keeps explaining to Josh that the Goblins want to destroy the family. Grandpa may also inform his daughter, Josh and Holly's mother that he can communicate from beyond the grave.

To keep his family for getting ill or turning into desirable goblin chow, Josh apparently pees on dinner. No he didn't whine and complain about the dishes of the day, he literally whizzes on dinner. The parents took it well. These are the only parents that didn't take a strip off his ass.

Hey audience, is there anything up my nose?

Grandpa keeps warning Josh to convince his parents to leave Nilbog but not ever manifesting in front the boy's parents so he would stop getting yelled at. Holly's pseudo boyfriend Elliott (Jason Wright of Troll 2 and Fields of Gold) travels with his fellow virginal RPG and comic book loving nerds in search for hot girls, ready and available. Yeah so you can see where their heads are at...spoilers it is in their asses.

Josh comes to the startling revelation that Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards which means the band Goblyn hides out in Utah without interruption or fear of being spotted by Bruno Mattei fans. The whole town is comprised of vegetarian farmers that look like rejects from Cabin Fever or Texas Chainsaw Massacre and just give you the Heebie Jeebies. The people give the term creeper a whole new spin on odd. Their body language is more standoffish than normal, they make disturbing leering expressions and overly annunciate everything they say. Will Josh save his half-wit from the non-trolls? Is everyone in Nilbog completely mental? Will Papa Waits stop saying hospitality???

Referred as the one of the worst film of all time, in 2009, Joshua all grown up provides us with a documentary on the making of Troll 2, the impact the film has had on the cult following and how anyone got any enjoyment out of it. From a technical aspect the film is done well enough,from blocking a scene, lightning, sounds and orchestral. With a projected budget of $200,000, cast and crew had their translation issues given that actors were asked to pronounce every word they said phonetically and without the proper inflections. From an movie viewer's perspective, it drags on, the goblin costumes look absurd and THERE ARE NO TROLLS!!!! Would appreciate less stares directly at the camera though. It is relatively harmless and just plain goofy. 

I say we draw and quarter him, fellas!

Sequels Rebound: Slumber Party Massacre III

Welcome back for Day 2 of Sequels Rebound and let me just say that I have not found any gems thus far. Well for this continuation we had an insane mental patient with a power drill fetish, an Andrew Dice Clay Freddy Kruger hybrid dream demon and now...even less connection to the original other than our psycho uses a giant post hole digger drill. Yes let us join Jackie Cassidy and her friends at what may be the last slumber party of their lives. This is Slumber Party Massacre III.

Gee, I wonder what the guy's intentions are?

Jackie Cassidy (Keely Christian of A Brand New Life, Married with Children, Hollywood Boulevard II, Growing Pains, Charles in Charge and Earth Angel) invites her girlfriends after playing on the beach to her parents' house. Mom and Dad are away which means...SLUMBER PARTY!!!! As depicted by writer Catherine Cyran (writing research conducted by a 12 year old boy), the girls want to bring booze, food and public domain tunes rule! Shockingly enough even at a slumber party there lies in await a pooper for said party.

Bent on destruction, murder and probably blowing up someone's thunderbucket from those Buffalo Wild Wings they had 3 hours prior. A crazed nutter butter among all the red herrings. We have creeper stalker house hunter guy, Morgan (Michael Harris of Santa Barbara, Suture, Sleepstalker, Babylon 5: A Call to Arms and Finding Bliss) our creeper goth guy that is only named The Weirdo (Yan Birch of The People Under the Stairs, Sucker, Bless the Child and Essence of Echoes) and the Killer name of Ken (Brittain Frye of Less Than Zero, Santa Barbara, Veiled Threat, Dallas and In Search of a Woman) who is blond haired and blue eyed. CLEARLY EVIL!

Rich white kids can't resist the game of: Kick the Hobo.

After a friend of theirs died, hadn't shown up and everyone rags on her how she didn't bring the hamburgers for their cook out, they order a pizza instead and of course as many straight sexually oriented girls do, they dare two of their friends to striptease in front of them...again could only came from a research guide of the mental age of 12.

A few of the doofs the girls are marginally interested crash the party, start porking away and then almost 30 minutes later, another death scene. Death by plug-in vibrator tossed in a bathtub! Yup you read it here! Death by vibrator!! While a few run for help, the others proceed to Scooby Doo their way around the house convinced maybe the killer is still inside! So rather than piling up in the cars, zipping over to the cop shop, chewing the cops out for ignoring their pleas for help and mercy and getting the killer thrown in jail... they mildly arm themselves and dink around some more. In a weak ass attempt to link the film with the first one, Ken's Uncle Billy was supposed to be the mental patient from the first movie.

So what did we learn from this cinematic experience?

Well while this was professionally shot, blocked, sound and lit properly, the material is flawed, the acting was over the top and really they just needed an excuse to show some topless shots. In October 10^th of 2010 marked the first time this film was released in a 2 DVD disk set with its predecessor Slumber Party Massacre II. There is no real new concept to be had.  Just an insane guy drilling cute ditzy girls to death and none of them deserved it overall.

Psst doll, stop looking at the camera.   Oh whatever.

YAWN!

Sequels Rebound: Sorority House Massacre II: NIghty Nightmare

Hello there boys and girls and welcome to Day 1 of Sequels Rebound. Quick question for you all, aren't you a little sick of sequels in name only? That for me gets a bit tiresome. It's almost like the next director didn't even bother with the homework of the previous movie, sit down with the writer and take a few notes.

Why do I mention this? Well, let's just say my one of my least favorite directors is helming this particular talkie of shame. Oh no, don't worry. It is not Uwe Boll. Yes, breathe the sigh of relief. Instead, we have the schmuck that brought us illustrious titles like: Chopping Mall, Deathstalker II, Scream Queen Hot Tub Party, Vampirella and The Bare Wench Project. The master of Jiggly Girl himself, Jim Wynorski. This is Sorority House Massacre II.

Tee hee, we're gonna die horribly.

Unlike the thriller/slasher that was Sorority House Massacre brought to us by writer/director Carol Frank, this film has NOTHING to do with the previous. GASP! Instead we get some convoluted story arc of the house was the scene of multiple murders with lifted footage of Slumber Party Massacre. Yeah the flashbacks couldn't even be the original story arc and salvage any dignity available.

Five college girls buy this ran down house, the Hokstedter home for their new sorority house. They got it cheap and with a few supplies and elbow grease they can put it back together. Let me just say I have full confidence in these girls handling plumbing, woodwork and electrical. With two scream queens Melissa Moore (Evil Spawn, Scream Dream, Samurai Cop, Caged Fury, Vampire Cop and The Invisible Maniac) soft to hardcore Adult star Gail Harris (Takin' It Off, Electric Blue 38, Electric Blue 41, Savage Harbor, Dream On, Treasure Hunt and Curse of the Komodo) and Adult Star the late Savannah (The Invisible Maniac, Autoerotica, Hot Holes, Surf City Sex, Made in Heaven and Happy Endings) rounding out our cast, it gives you the mindset that this girls may be here just to jiggle. Coupled with shower scenes of full front nudity in a house that has no hot water. How do I know this? Well the girls made mention of it and their nipples were hard enough to shear through titanium. Next door neighbor/creeper/red herring Orville Ketchum (Peter Spellos of Black Jack, Night Shade, Bound, The Assault, Vice Girls and Men in Black II) narrates the stolen flashback footage as though the father of the household went completely of the rails and starting killing everyone with a power drill...like in Slumber Party Massacre. Almost as though it was the very film in fact.

Portrait of the sexually deprived...and depraved.

Meanwhile Lt. Block of Wood (Jurgen Baum of Sorority House Massacre II, Hard to Die, The Stand,Wishmaster, The Dentist and The Dentist 2) and Sgt Ditzy Shawlee (Toni Naples of Hard to Die, Munchie, Prison Heat, Dinosaur Island and Munchie Strikes Back) play a round of exposition of the very same story WE JUST HEARD!!!! So after the lenghty shower scenes, the girls decide to break out an ouija board to contact the ghost of Hokstedter but they get too creeped out and never finish. Suzanne (Adult Actress Barbii of Deep Inside Barbii, Backdoor to Hollywood 14, Fantasy World and Confessions of Professional Centerfolds) squabbles with Janey (Dana Bentley of L.A. Vice, Repo Jake, Lethal Games, Karate Cop and Rangers) so much that Janey goes back downstairs to finish the booze while Suzanne goes to the attic to step in a bear trap and be done in by the murderer.

What is there to say about this movie?

Well it was written and shot in seven days. The shower scenes are clearly for...well any guy that didn't want to get teased for renting porn so he went with this instead. The acting is pretty wooden, the practical effects were decent enough. I saw the boom mic and the shadow of a boom mic a few times and this is the only horror film where a six shot revolver suddenly fires ten times. Yeesh.

Clearly their parents' money well spent.

Horror for the Holidays: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation

Hiya kids and welcome back to Day 3 of Horror for the Holidays. Initially I tried to find a copy of the 1996 Santa Claws starring Scream Queen Debbie Rochon but that is just not happening. Seriously, an hour has gone by searching for this bit of tripe and I guess we just have to shuffle on to the next pile of festering feces. Hey! I know! How about a sequel in name only? Yeah we haven't had one of those since the Return to Salem's Lot. Boy that was a delight... for people that dislike Stephen King books I guess. Not sure who that film was for. So tallying back to our Santa Claus Killer when find... no continuation into the story of Ricky. Apparently after Bill Mosley's Jiffy Pop Popcorn dome in Silent Night Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out!, the producers were embarrassed for a follow-up and Ricky is no more. Go ahead and shed a tear, folks. This is Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation.

Ah, young fornicators!!! SINNERS!!!

With a grainy translated VHS to streaming feed I am guaranteed too much Dolby reverb and the post production audio track coming as loud as Evil Dead 2's "WORKSHED!" Our film in Los Angeles again but no orphanages or vindictive Mother Superiors this time. Yes, gone are the days of "Punish!" and we must adapt, gentle readers. Our movie opens with a hobo enjoying a half devoured burger when a girl atop a six story building gets set on fire via jump cut, slow pyrotechnics and then a dummy fall, cut to actress looking bored (dead) but not aflame then finally engulfed after landing on the safety mat the wrong direction from the fall. Completely seamless. And that is our minute forty-five intro and right to the credits.

We follow the lead investigator Kim (Neith Hunter of Born in East L.A., Less Than Zero, Fright Night Part 2, and Inside Out) is trying to channel her inner Lois Lane as the editor of Classified Ads is not as hard hitting as it sounds. Her boss Eli (Reggie Bannister of Phantasm, Phantasm II, Wishmaster, Bubba Ho-Tep and Revamped) is a sexist porker that believes anyone without a penis has no gut instinct for a story. Actually he comes across as the editor that doesn't give a budding reporter a hot story because she has had a month's experience and not been in the trenches.

I'm late for Quidditch!!!

Kim goes behind Eli's back to cover a spontaneous combustion story when she finds out at her first stop of the local butcher's shop that it would appear to be a suicide. Kim makes her way into the nearby bookstore to view the surprisingly impressive occult section when hobo Ricky (Clint Howard of Freeway, Tango & Cash, Leprechaun 2, Ice Cream Man, Barb Wire and House of the Dead) goes all Torgo of Mano: The Hands of Fate on her causing her overacting outburst and gathering attention of the bookstore owner Fima (Maud Adams of The Man with the Golden Gun, Rollerball, Octopussy, Hell Hunters, Angel III: The Final Chapter and The Seekers), who shoos Ricky away and sends him packing. She comes on a bit creeper as well and invites Kim to a picnic she is having with friends for the following day. Ominous music follows this woman's every other sentence so no worries there at all.

With her investigation bearing no fruit she head home only to be under seige by roaches from her sink ruining dinner she then goes to her boyfriend Hank's (Tommy Hinkley of Lethal Weapon 2, The Cable Guy, Star Trek: Generations and Ocean's Thirteen) parents' home for a Christmas dinner. Hank's father has been guzzling beer and decrees a woman's place is in the home and not out being career minded even since Eve was made from Adam's Rib. Hank attempts logic with his father and gets shot down after explaining it was an allegory.

Kim makes her way home having strange visions and dreams, thinks to skip work and visit this picnic of musical ill-boding intent. Finding a certain connection with these women, Kim seems to notice how the women adhere to Fima's will and her teachings of Lilith, first wife of Adam. As events of the week unfold, people seem confused to Kim's whereabouts or should they questioning her intent. Fima's gathering seem almost cultism in their actions unnerving Kim as she seems to feel they may be responsible for the young girl's death.

A few comments on the film now. This is the first of the series not having a killer Santa Claus in it. The views of man and woman having issues in the workforce is a tad cliche and point to almost every man being either a sexist pig, a lout or a creep. Granted, the work environment has its share of problems but this is way over the top establishing that black magic and blood sacrifices is the only way to alter that. I am sure feminists worldwide would be just thrilled at their sacrifices made to be summed up in this fashion, let alone any follower of Wicca portrayed as dark, sinister monsters. So while different from the original three I was not blown away with this creation. A moderately original story to be certain but not eye-opening at all.

Sweetie, it was this film or another Roger Moore Bond flick.