Vampire Week: Vampirella

Well folks I welcome you to Day 5 of the Vampire week and boy oh boy did I find one that sucked…blood, ass and exorbitant amount of feces but I am not bitter.  Hailing from the Harris Comics creator Forrest J Ackerman (Vampirella, Panthra , Forrest J. Ackerman’s Guide to Science Fiction and Worlds of Tomorrow) A planet of ancient species of strong, empowered beings gather in harmony and prosperity…until a villainous tyrant Vlad seeks to disrupt such peace and tranquility and kill…Angus Scrimm?   So gather your wet naps, keep a puke bucket on standby and be amazed at the cheesy effects.  This is Vampirella.

The death of a good comic book!

In any reality I would call you spoiler!

Squeaking by at 86 minutes is the film adaptation of comic book supernatural heroine Vampirella.  The High Council of Drakulon finds Vlad (Roger Daltrey of Tommy, The Kids Are Alright, Highlander, Rude Awakening and Dark Prince: The True Story of Dracula) in content of the rules and just before he is exiled to the Phantom Zone…er I mean executed, his disciples break in the chambers, blast the council and they high tail it for an awaiting star vessel. 

Vampirella fan club, how may I direct your call?

2 minutes prior Ella/Vampirella (Talisa Soto of License to Kill, Don Juan DeMarco, Mortal Kombat, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever) speaks sweetly to High Elder Stepfather (Angus Scrimm of Phantasm, Subspecies, Phantasm II, Alias and I Sell the Dead) and well you can see how well that turned out.  Ella seeks to chase down her stepfather’s killers and make them see bloody vengeance.   So we blue screen to scale model ships that look less realistic than Super Car or Stingray and Junior Birdman the hell to Earth.   And that was all done 3000 years ago.   Yes Vlad and his gaggle of vampiric misfits have been on Earth for centuries and directly responsible for vampirism.  SPACE HERPES!!!!

For your crimes against Drakulon you must play more pinball.

Hiding in plain sight in Las Vegas in a lounge act Vlad is pursued by PURGE, the highly skilled, well trained of extras that cannot understand muzzle discipline, tactical engagement or how to subdue a suspect.  They look like they are armed with Airsoft rifles, their “Sun Gun” is clearly a mariner spot light with sound and light effects and they have mastered the martial art of Pushy Shovey.  A descendant of Van Helsing, Adam (Richard Joseph Paul of Quick Change, Oblivion, Knight Rider 2010, Oblivion 2: Backlash, Law & Order: Criminal Intent) leads this bands of fearless slayers of the undead…somehow.

This is the part where I point out the highs and lows of the film and certain details of it.  Schlockmeister director of Creature Feature T &A flicks Jim Wynorski has raped yet another comic book character franchise.  His first being with The Return of the Swamp Thing and boy that was some hurt.  The starship sequences are lifted from Wynorski’s remake of Not of This Earth but sadly none of the shots of Traci Lords changing tops.  

Every geek fanboy's wet dream!

The pace of the film is slower than Dan Quayle reading a quantum physics book, the plot is lacks punch or substance, and there is some obligatory nudity but not enough to be suiting in a Wynorski film.  See Dinosaur Island as an example, lastly the kung faux fight scenes reminded me of a dull junior high school play.    

Thus ends Vampire Week.  Have a good one folks.  Feel free to comment on the blog and the Facebook page.