Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Gorefest: Blood Diner

Well hello there and welcome back for Day 3 of Gorefest. I know the last two films were sadly lacking in the gore department and the nudity was not vast but I am pretty certain this film offer both in a larger abundance. This mutilation of moving pictures is a loose sequel of the 1963 Herschell Gordon Lewis exploitation horror film Blood Feast in which a caterer of alleged Egyptian decent murdered and butchered women in Miami serving their parts to bring life to an Egyptian goddess. 24 years later a film in the vicinity of offered a similar story line. This is Blood Diner.

Dad hide the eggs good this year!

Our story opens with convenient plot device telling us on the radio to stay indoors because of a mad dog killer is on the loose with a meat cleaver in one hand and his junk in another. Boy I think I can manage to avoid that weird wang handling fellow easily. Two young lads are left unattended as mom announces she needs Tampons, the house is broken into by what sounds like Jason Vorhees but is actually the boys' uncle Anwar Namtut (Drew Godderis of Blood Diner, Evil Spawn, The Underachievers, Cannibal Hookers and Deep Space) who taught the boys of the goddess Sheetar and the dark magics to go with it. He hands off a couple of cheap looking amulets that is 5 million years of age and must be cared for at all time. Yeah I have called horse crap at this point but moving on.

20 years later, The Tutman brothers Michael (Rick Burks of Blood Diner and The Underachivers) and George (Carl Crew of Blood Diner, The Underachievers, Gross Out, The Secret Life: Jeffery Dahmer, Urban Legends and Ironhorse) have been brainwashed er um I mean nurtured by their uncle Anwar into resurrecting an ancient goddess to this plane of existence. How kooky is dear Uncle Anwar? Well... he is pretty much a brain and eyes in a jar. Yeah guess he communicates from the great beyond (or the great divide) but apparently the lads' mission is to bring about the goddess Sheetar (Tanya Papanicolas of Vamp, Vicious Lips, Blood Diner and Run If You Can). Still unclear if she is Egyptian or Sumerian. It was a tad bit hazy there.

Scientology takes another helpless victim!

Our little sociopaths are moving with cunning and guile... or the close proximity of such, hacking up jiggly girls for the coming of Sheetar.  But enough of that. Topless cheerleader aerobics!!! No seriously, these girls are shaking more than their pom poms. Kinda hope they smacked the director after the jarring jigging. Trying to solve this slew of murders is crack wacky matched team of strong, overtly independent written woman Sheba Jackson (LaNette La France of Blood Diner) and sexist piglet Brooklyn stereotype Mark Shepard (Roger Dauer of The New Mike Hammer, Blood Diner and My Lovely Monster) hashing out their differences to create a better team dynamic... and probably obligated to sleep with one another.

Will the dynamic detectives deduce the dastardly deeds? Will the cannibalistic cooks conjure their goddess? Will Uncle Antwar ever be transplanted into a new body?

I have some complaints on our movie. The continuity of shooting in the afternoon and finishing up at night yet it is clearly no transition in time. Lots of POV shots looks like a stalker is on the prowl. Most of the music while on synthesizer is uplifting and goofy during horror scenes. It sounds like Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time's background theme. Originally intended to be Herschell Gordon Lewis' sequel to Blood Feast, it was decided to be able to stand on its own as an original concept.

That being said, is not meant to be taken seriously as it a dark comedy horror. The gore gags are fair and impressive for their day. The characters collectively are so damn goofy it is a wonder if you could encounter them in real life aside from at an asylum. The story is decidedly cheesy, the jokes are incredibly sexist and it is meant to be damn screwy.

With sight gags, slapstick humor and a plot so far fetched it is actually amusing. For the gore fans, limbs go all over the place. For the jiggly girl nudie fans, hey plenty of that. For those with a mildly warped mind interested is something just bizarre, graphic but humorous. Have at it! I'd skip putting the kids in front of it but that is just me.

Damn, she has a really deep purse!