Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Sci-fantasy B Movie: Deathstalker

Hiya gang! Back again with what could be an episodic, powerful sci-fi fantasy storyline or complete and utter dreck attempting to compete with director John Milus' take of Robert E. Howard's creation: Conan the Barbarian. Written by exploitation, sci-fi fantasy and children's cartoons, Howard R. Cohen (The Unholy Rollers. The Young Nurses, Vampire Hookers, Barbarian Queen, Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, The Care Bears Family and Emmanuelle 5) that this particular flick could go either way. So don aloft your sword! This is Deathstalker.

Oh, you're her father.  Akward.

Our director James Sbardellati (Under the Gun and Deathstalker) seems more comfortable as Second Unit Director so that gives off a positive vibe for the movie right away. 2 minutes in we see pseudo cavemen walk up on a man binding a girl in creeper vine. Maybe she is a sacrifice, sport or dinner. Who can really say? I know thus far after 45 seconds of a leaping montage that the cave guys can bound through the air. Shockingly enough this is not for the kiddies, parents. 3 minutes in and we already have a topless scene.

Deathstalker (Rick Hill of The Dukes of Hazzard, The Devastator, Warrior Queen, Fast Gun, Dune Warriors, Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow, Eyes of the Widow and The Custodian) skinned a badger, dyed it blond and put it on his head. That could also be a fetching ladies wig too. His wing is worse that Bridgette Nielsen's wig in Red Sonja and that was a dead raccoon they dyed red. He guts the guy who abandoned his victim/human sacrifice/girlfriend for trying to take his horse. A powerful wizard Munkar (Bernard Erhard of Satan's Touch, Challenge of the GoBots, Say Yes, Solarman, Visionaries: Knights of the Magical Light and A Pup Named Scooby-Doo) tossed the rightful king and most of his court and guards out of the castle. The king begs for Deathstalker's help only to get shot down. Dubious to his hero status, he rides on and we see what is now Munkar's harem with, yup you guessed it. Topless or sheer clothed girls. Sense a pattern?

A cunning warrior wears next to no clothes.

Munkar's lackey Kang is sent to claim magical artifacts so Munkar can expand his holdings and slap other kingdoms about. An old witch sends Deathstalker out to search for the 3 powers ( No, not the Charmed ones) a sword, amulet and a chalice (from the palace!). When the three are united, the wielder will be able to conqueror or rule wisely. A giant and an imp covet the sword. Some more questy jibber jabber, a subplot that wasn't going to convince anyone Deathstalker is a nice guy and...okay at 20 minutes I was confused with the story, the music cues and the lack of action between such. Hate to say this, but bring on the boobs again. At least I got that. Enlisting in the aid of a warrior name of Oghris (Richard Booker of Friday the 13th Part III, Deathstalker and Deep Sea Conspiracy) the grateful lad speaks of a tournament to win Munkar's kingdom...and to me that is actually a decent plan. Rein in the warriors that want to rule and wipe them all out.

Our warriors encounter Kaira (Lana Clarkson of Scarface, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Barbarian Queen and Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back) a warrior maiden garbed in and I kid you not, a loin cloth, boots and a red cloak. Yup guess the topless swordfighting really works in her advantage when she flashes her double Ds at them. Worry not Kaira of the roving band of molesting marauders, I thought of low hanging branches, tangle root and thorn bushes to get prodded and poked by. Yes, this is a straight guy saying put on some frickin armor on. Oh good even more semi-naked wenches. I swear this is all T&A and some sword-fighting scenes. Look, nothing against nudity but dammit at least have it plot related!!!!  

The first transgender occurs in the dark ages with the use of black magic. See? You don't need to go to Sweden, just get a warlock! Think of the money you have saved. Okay Munkar actually transformed his henchman into a large breasted girl to sneak up on Deathstalker and do him in. Boobs are magic and confuse all that see them.

I recommend this film for chimpanzees that need to masturbate and 12 year old boys. Kinda hard to tell the difference at times. Those with functioning brain cells, the lack of a coherent story will offend you on grand scales, cattle get treated better any of the female cast and our hero is a pig who does nothing out of the kindness of his heart. I am hard pressed to even speculate if he has a heart to begin with.

Sci-fi fantasy artist Boris Vallejo was commissioned for all four Deathstalker films bringing his astounding artwork for the covers that tricked your ass into watching this.

Annual model gorging after the runway.