House Stories: House III: The Horror Show

Sorry about the delay. Brain hating migraines. Enough of that, time to get back to the continuing series of House. Yeah this film isn't even supposed to be a link to series but thanks to distribution from foreign to domestic this film was released under... wait for it, ALTERNATIVE TITLES!!!! The producers decided they need to rename this film House 3 for the foreign market because...reasons. Yeah I was surprised it turns out House IV should have been House III but produced by Sean S. Cunningham and composed by Harry Manfredini simply made our original third film House IV to solve all the issues and baffle about every collector. This is House 3 a.k.a. The Horror Show a.k.a. La casa 7 a.k.a.Evil Dead 7 and House III: The Horror Show.

Yer gonna die ya filthy replicant.

Directed by the late SFX creator/director James Isaac (The Horror Show, Jason X, Skinwalkers and Pig Hunt) follows the story of Detective McCarthy (Lance Henriksen of The Terminator, Savage Dawn, Aliens, Near Dark, Pumpkinhead, Alien 3, Man's Best Friend, No Escape, The Quick and the Dead and Millennium) finally catches America's most successful serial killer with a kill count of 110 people. Our vicious and ridiculous laughing Max "Meat Cleaver" Jenke (Brion James of Blade Runner, 48 Hrs., A Breed Apart, Crimewave, Silverado, Enemy Mine, Cherry 2000, Red Heat and Tango & Cash). Yes 110 people went to their deaths somehow with the cops never noticing or finding any clues and correlation to the other deaths. That stupid cackle will drive you bat crap crazy.

Pumpkinhead 5: Harvest Season.

So sentenced finally to his death via electrocution only physically but...it in fact made him into a electric being that can manifest into all those who dare to watch his execution. This particular concept of executed serial killer coming back to life and stalk folks down was based originally in Wes Craven's Shocker and Robert Resnikoff's The First Power. Fearing for the lives for his family, wife Donna (Rita Taggart of Coming Home, The Horror Show, Limbo and Mulholland Drive) and kids Bonnie (Dedee Pfeiffer of For Your Love, Falling Down, Cybill, Up Close & Personal, Burn Notice and Flatline) and Scott (Aron Eisenberg of Amityville: The Evil Escapes, Streets, Prayer of the Rollerboys, Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge and The Liar's Club) as Max haunts them from beyond the grave. The common theory is he wanted to drive Lance Henriksen crackers before killing him. Will McCarthy be able to save his family? Can Jenke be stopped? Will anyone give a crap??

Several scenes had to be removed to avoid an X rating according to the MPAA's standards. The European release I saw has some serious gore that frankly wasn't over the top by Saw's standards. Loved how Jenke's apartment was completely untouched, none of his stuff removed and clues that he was intrigued by McCarthy and his family for ages. Death row takes years so who the hell was paying for that apartment to stay open for a convicted serial killer?

Yeah it was painful, plotholes of electromagnetic evils and the effects were fair. Buck up folks, we still have one more House movie to go.

How's my breath??!!!

House Stories: House II: The Second Story

Back again gentle readers. I do so hope House was enjoyable and you all rushed to your DVD stores and got a copy. This time around we move into the realm of sequels. Yes, I know how many you feel about sequels. Many times I view them as inferior creations relying on basing from the original and never surpassing it. Yet we have Aliens, Godfather II and Superman II so conjure of that what you will. This next story prepares you for a new story with a new house with a barrage of characters rating at PG-13 rather than first's R rating. This is House II: The Second Story.

So according to Ancestry.com I'm my own grandpa.

Practically growing up in a video store I say two different covers for this film. Our movie written by screenwriter Ethan Wiley (House, House II: The Second Story, Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror, Brutal, Black Ops, Bear, Elf-Man and Journey to the Forbidden Valley) brings us twenty something yuppie Jesse (Arye Gross of Tequila Sunrise, For the Boys, A Midnight Clear, The Opposite Sex and How to Live with Them, Ellen and Castle) and his music producer girlfriend Kate (Lar Park-Lincoln of Friday the 13^th Part VII:The New Blood, Knots Landing, Freddy's Nightmares, City of Justice, From the Dark, Gravestoned and The Dancer) have got to inspect the house from his inheritance where his parents murdered while he was a baby, a bizarre home with mixture of Gothic and Aztec design filled with passages and many rooms. Of all the rooms, a fireplace fixture on the mantelpiece was a human sized skull made of crystal (It belongs in a museum!!!) made flawless.

The House that Goofy Made.

His talent manager buddy Charlie (Jonathan Stark of Fright Night, There Were Times, Dear, Project X, Cheers, Bright Lights, Big City, Rain Man, The Spirit of '76, Career Opportunities, Ellen and Stop It) and his singer diva girlfriend Lana (Amy Yasbeck of Days of Our Lives, Magnum, P.I., Generations, Pretty Woman, Problem Child, , Problem Child 2, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, The Mask, Wings, Alright Already and Little Women, Big Cars) seems to be the latest, new thing and the two start conversing with Kate's boss John (Bill Maher of Out of Time, Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, Pizza Man, Politically Incorrect, Bill Maher: The Decider and Real Time with Bill Maher) while Jesse and Charlie decide to research the skull's history finding it is told to offer a great wish or even the possibility of giving the owner immortality. Jesse and Charlie take off to dig up the relative, Jesse's great, great grandfather and Jesse's name sake. Grandfather or Gramps (Royal Dano of Man of the West, Never Steal Anything Small, Posse From Hell, Death Valley Days, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Gunsmoke, Big Bad Mama and Capone) turns out to not be as dead as they thought and sneak him into the house. He warns the lads that the skull can effect the very fabric of time and space, the house becomes a nexus of different timelines. The Doctor would be fascinated and disturbed at the same time. Aztecs appear, pop Gramps in the head and snagged the skull going through the walls.

Another of Cheer alumni makes his way, electrian Bill (John Ratzenberger of Cheers, Captain Planet and the Planeteers, That Darn Cat, One Night Stand, Toy Story, Monsters, Inc., Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Cars and Ratatouille) checks their wiring in the house and discovers one of those damn pesky temporal portals. Can the boys get the skull back? What other terrors await them? What rewards are to be found?

Sean S. Cunningham once again produced this film and composer Harry Manfredini brings his "A" game for the orchestral. Industrial Light and Magic Phil Tippett brought on the stop motion animation. I goofed not acknowledging Ethan Wiley wrote this film as well as the previous one. Creature sound effects is brought to us by voice actor Frank Welker. This is goofy, fun and just plain entertaining and yes it is safe for young ones in my eyes.

My tanning bed was set too high.

House Stories: House a.k.a. Ding Dong, You're Dead

Welcome one and all. Well folks I have gotten write backs from both a star and the writer/director of Camp Blood 4 and 5. Goes to show you never know who is reading this blog. That being said, the guys were good eggs in spite of my candid and goofy takes on the film. Say, one could almost think of interviewing them for Rotten Ramblin' On.

This week it is all about House. Yes, the confusing series that has brought us 1,2 and...4? Huh? Yeah that has been a mystery for more than 20 years for me and trust me when I say, I was a tad disappointed at the discovery.

Told you to open the door and get me a beer!

Today's film comes from the mind of writer Fred Dekker (Night of the Creeps,The Monster Squad, If Looks Could Kill, Ricohet, Tales from the Crypt and Star Trek: Enterprise) produced by a teenybopper slayer/director/producer Sean S. Cunningham (Friday the 13^th, A Stranger Is Watching, Spring Break, The New Kids, DeepStar Six and Terminal Invasion), directed by a man of TV and movie sequels, director Steve Miner (Friday the 13^th Part 2, Friday the 13^th Part III, Soul Man, Warlock, Elvis, My Father the Hero, Halloween H2O: 20 Years Later and Lake Placid) and music composed by writer/jazz soloist/composer Harry Manfredini (Here Comes the Tigers, Friday the 13^th, Swamp Thing, Friday the 13^th Part III, Spring Break, Friday the 13^th: The Final Chapter, The Hills Have Eyes Part II, Zombie Island Massacre and Slaughter High) bringing you the horror comedy that is House.

Roger Cobb (William Katt of The Rookies, Ironside, Carrie, The Rainmaker, The Greatest American Hero, Perry Mason Returns, Perry Mason: The Case of the Shooting Star, Swimsuit, White Ghost and House IV) is a novelist that delves into horror mostly thanks to his experiences in Vietnam (Cue Hendrix music!) whose luck has gone terribly sour. His books aren't selling as well as they could, he is separated from his wife and his son disappeared mysteriously. Overall, a suck life thus far. His aunt Elizabeth (Susan French of The Sting, Airport 1975, Jaws 2, Captain America II: Death Too Soon, Flatliners, Younger and Younger and Fist of the North Star) who raised Roger for many years after his parents' death has passed away leaving her house to Roger.

Robert Culp furious with the revenues of Greatest American Hero.

Roger is being pressured to finish his book project to increase his sales and get him back on top. Haunted to this day about events of Vietnam we see why Cobb needs to end the book to bring the demons to rest. Cobb holds onto the house as this is where his son was last seen and is convinced the house itself is the culprit as childhood memories of the house were disturbing. His now ex-wife Sandy (Kay Lenz of American Graffiti, Breezy, The Passage, Swan Lake, Stripped to Kill, Death Wish 4: The Crackdown, Fear and Streets) checks on him when he shuts down or keeps people at bay and you get the vibe she genuinely misses and loves him still but the loss of their boy put a huge gulf between them.

Determined to finish his Vietnam horror novel, he investigates the house itself as every night at midnight something different, warped and ominous happens. His nosy next-door neighbor Harold (George Wendt of Cheers, Fletch, Space Truckers, Spice World, Wild About Harry and Saturday Night Live) turns out to be a huge fan of Cobb's and the two then check out the barrage of monsters and demons ebbing their way into the house. Can Cobb deal with the ghosts of the past?

With some camp moments, the pace of the story takes you on and makes a leisurely pass to realms brushing against one another. Creatures manifest in the house harming Roger and damaging his mind and soul. You get the vibe this could go completely Jaccob's Ladder but skirts off into Evil Dead 2 territory. With amazing prosthetics, stop motion animations and a bit of blue screen you are in for a bizarre time. You know the seriousness of a dismembering scene has been made fun of as our protagonist buries the remains of his wife turned demon to the tune of Linda Ronstadt's You're No Good.  I think I belted out laughing. Dated perhaps but still valid for some good scares and good story telling.

Aunt May??  NOooOOOoOoOO!!!!!!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Sequels: Camp Blood 5

Hey there guys and dolls. I bet you thought we were done for the week of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Sequels and well you were wrong. I rooted through this cinema diaper pail of evil and pulled this festering ball of stink out just for you. Um was that too descriptive?  Yeah that was vicious and I will tone it down.  Anyway this particular masterpiece is the continuation of previous works...with lesser dialogue...a minuscule budget...possibly even a clown. Okay it is more Camp Blood. I know, I know. It's like the Godfather of horror films. You think you are finally done with it and then it pulls you back. This is Camp Blood 5.

All-night kegger, right?  Oh, gonna kill a guy. k.

Back in the hands of Dustin Ferguson (Doll Killer, Die Sister, Die!, Gloved Murderess, Cheerleader Camp: To the Death and Invitation to Die) we continue the saga of Raven (Schuylar Craig of Blood Claws, Camp Blood 4, Blood Model and The Amityville Legacy) as it appears to be three months after the massacre of her friends, the cops have found neither hide nor hair of them and are starting to wonder if these folks were ever even real... nah I was kidding on that last part.  Raven with the help of her friends Jenn(Jennifer Mill of Camp Blood 5) and Kerrie (Kerrie Waybright Smith of Shivers Down Your Spine: A Christmas Horror Story, Remission, Invitation to Die and Camp Blood 5) are attempting to piece the events together and track down our dastardly clown and cram vengeance up his noise hole.  

So yeah margaritas sound great.  Cya at 7.

Now you get the vibe that these films 4 and 5 were shot back to back and I would guess offhand there was a limited time and budget to contend with but that being said, I have seen larger scaled films with their "A" list drag butt for continuity or re-shoot after re-shoot and while this is a smaller film, it isn't bad.

Yes the dialogue is not genius but find me a slasher film that made people so realistic aside from Tobe Hooper's original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. My only real critique is exposure needs work and have some portable floodlights for night shoots. Also cheapy focusing lamp lanterns are about $20 and you can hang them wherever you need to and keep them out of frame. Boom.

No this is not Ferguson's showpiece but I think he is getting his sea legs for horror and it is evolving. He is on his way. Might want to consider story boards for gore gags and possibly a co-writer to collaborate with but all in all, not a bad start.

Okay the genius behind these flicks is picking up from Blood Slaughter and not the original three so aside from a clown mask and blades, nothing else including location. Shot in Lincoln Nebraska primarily on a shoestring budget the effects for both Camp Blood 4 and 5 was through Wetworks SFX in Omaha rigging prosthetic latex, blood gore gags and splatter effects as well as prop blades. So go local biz!!!

Guess where this is going, clown boy!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Sequels: Howling III: Marsupials

Howdydoodlydoo!!!! So that was some fun-filled sequels we have been through, huh? Oh wait, no they weren't. Still they could have been worse. Many have complained about Howling II: Sister is a Werewolf given its plot holes, inconsistencies and Sybil Danning's copious topless and nude scenes. But c'mon...Reb Brown was 1970's Captain America and Sir Christopher Lee was Dracula back-to-back smoking werewolves that...looked really cheesy and nothing of Rick Baker's amazing SFX. This is Howling III a.k.a. Marsupials: The Howling III.

Dress me in a coat will ya??!!

Back with director Phillippe Mora (The Beast Within, A Breed Apart, Communion, Art Deco Detective, Richard III, Mercenary II: Thick & Thin and Strange Matters) and ONCE AGAIN sadly I start recognizing people because I have seen some serious piles of monkey squirt. Well let's dive right into this tour de force. Deep within the Australian Outback, werewolves have evolved divergent from any other lupine and morphed into marsupials...yup I didn't just mess with you all, female werewolves developing pouches for holding the young. 

Anthropologist Harry Beckmeyer (Barry Otto of Benny Hill Down Under, Case for the Defence, Tickled Pink, Norman Loves Rose, Undercover,The Punisher and The Paper Man) managed to score grainy footage filmed in "1905" of Aborigines burning and stabbing a wolf creature and shows his classroom. Kinda surreal except it is clearly shot with a higher def VHS used for broadcasting at the time.

No sooner is the class dismissed plot convenience number two appears in the form of a series of reports of werewolf attacks in Russia giving Beckmeyer the belief of a widespread of Commie Lycanthropes hell bent on taking over the world and attempts to get hold of the President. Yeah that goes over well as he explains to the President about werewolves and points out that strange things exist all over the world. The President vows to send Beckmeyer back to Sydney, Australia but he needs to keep the commander-in-chief clued in on the werewolf phenomenon.

I'm far too excited!!!

A doofy American name of Donny (Lee Biolos of Les Patterson Saves the World, The Year My Voice Broke, Dark City and Candy Regentag) is on location to scout filming regions and local talent for a Werewolf film Shapeshifters Part 8 bumps into a striking girl Jerboa (Playing Beatie Bow, Vietnam, Future Past, Crossbow, Strapless, Candy Regentag, Flair and Queen of the Damned) bumps into Donny and he tells her she would be perfect to play a werewolf (wink wink) so they are off to the director to get her spotlight a goin'.

Plans to move on the impeding werewolf infestation is allowing paramilitary and military divisions to join up with financial aid from the Vatican blessing silver for rounds and start mounting preemptive strikes after the few they have captured and interrogated to get the location they live in.

Will Beckmeyer allow the werewolves to be destroyed?? Will the military succeed??

Okay the effects are really less than. Gore effects were fair but the werewolf appliances are pretty hokey and even the giant werewolf head looked like a giant boar or pig. Turns out the head prop was from the 1984 flick Razorback so yup fuzzy pig. Using a polarizing filter, all the background colors looked amazing in spite of this film was a bit on the silly. Basing the werewolves of Australia is on the extinct Tasmanian Wolf as it was lupine and marsupial. Other than that, I was a tad bored.  The only of the Howling series that fell under PG-13.

These fellows stabbed a cosplayer. Savages.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Sequels: Pumpkin Head II: Blood Wings

Back again my fans of my babble. Boy Camp Blood 4 was boring as hell eh? Well I decided something more mainstream this time around with a sequel of the 1988 indy horror film directed by Stan Winston about a vengeful demon serving the whims of Lance Henriksen and all going to pot. Where else are you going to find Soleil Moon Frye, Blaxploitation actor Gloria Hendry and Bill Clinton's little brother?

This is Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings.

I'm not masturbating!!  Er um, what?

Directed by sequel director Jeff Burr (Stepfather II, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Land of the Lost, Puppet Master 4, Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter and Night of the Scarecrow) and shot in Santa Clarita, Califonia (Ferren Woods) and Stan Winston Studios is away from this job. Enter KNB EFX Group for creature feature works. Flashbacking to the original, Ed Harley put Pumpkinhead down because they were connected psionically destroying the demon's body to only transform into the next Pumpkinhead. Kooky bit of writing ain't it?

In the town of Ferren Woods, Sheriff Braddock (Andrew Robinson of Dirty Harry, House of Evil, The Drowning Pool, Ryan's Hope, Cobra, Hellraiser and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) tries his best to keep order in spite of his rebellious daughter Jenny (Ami Dolenz of General Hospital, Can't Buy Me Love, Ticks, White Wolves: A Cry in the Wild II, Virtual Seduction and 2012 Doomsday) decide to go do some crimes as a pathetic attempt to be different from her straight laced parents.

Who loves ya, baby??

This demon would have slept if it wasn't for these pesky teens. A witch name of Miss Osie (Lilyan Chauvin of Silent Night, Deadly Night, Falcon Crest, Death Doll, Predator 2, Universal Soldier, Phatasmagoria and Catch Me If You Can) is attacked for being weird by Marcie, Jenny, Peter, Danny and Paul and inadvertently release Pumpkinhead from his slumber allowing to wreak havoc on the town. Our twits of town hall think this is bear attacks and the mayor named Bubba (Roger Clinton) thinks it would make a great tourist attraction...not exactly the brightest bunny in the carrot patch.

The kids find out that Danny Dixon's father was responsible of killing this Tommy kid 35 years ago and try to ressurect Tommy...only after they hit Ms. Osie with a car prior then thump her on the head, steal her spellbook and blood to bring about Tommy. Tommy returns but in the form of Pumpkinhead proceeds to grease Dixon and his buddies. No sooner are they dispatched Tommy/Pumpkinhead decides to turn on the kids because of what they did Ms Osie. We have plenty of horror cliches such as the Sheriff and town doctor Delilah Pettibone (Gloria Hendry of Hell Up in Harlem, Black Caesar, Live and Let Die, Black Belt Jones and Old School Gangstas) working hand in hand. Will Tommy/Pumpkinhead slay the troublesome teens? Can the Sheriff put an end to this?

This direct-to-video sequel alters the story and expands the whole Pumpkinhead saga in the sense that the creature is similar to that of a golem exacting revenge. We have more than a few faces from horror appearing such as: Linnea Quigley (80s Scream Queen of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Creepozoids, The Return of the Living Dead and A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream master), Kane Hodder (Jason Vorhees of Friday the 13^th Part 7,8,9 and Jason X) and R.A. Mihailoff (Trancers III, Death Riders, Drive, Revamped, Blood Scarab and Hatchet II). Interestingly enough this film managed to gestate a DOS based in 1995. It was a first-person shooter with no real common sense of how to play it, poor animation and video clips of Pumpkinhead II. Thankfully the film was better than its same named game.

Tee hee! Hijinks!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Sequels: Camp Blood 4

Hiya gang. Well it's that time again. You know of what I refer. When the blog goes back to its horror roots, digs in deep and finds either a necessary or absurd evil. The findings of course can swing either way but I will say 7 out of 10 times I will not find unpolished gem but more often a fresh turd or someone looking to put a new spin on an old thing. Yeah I'm looking at you Squagel. This week I am calling this the Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Sequels. Apparently Brad Sykes (Camp Blood, Camp Blood 2 and Within the Woods) has wandered away from his trilogy opus and director Dustin Ferguson (Doll Killer, Die Sister, Die!, Gloved Murderess and Cheerleader Camp: To the Death) has picked up the baton to bring us this next installment of (Yawn) horror. This is Camp Blood 4.

Chemistry not since Tracy and Hepburn.

Okay with a grainy pseudo link back to Within the Woods, we see a smattering of what almost looks like our half-assed reality show contestants getting gacked left and right but the survivor is never mentioned, made a cameo or even touched base upon. Personally I am still pissed that Tricia (Jennifer Ritchkoff of Camp Blood, Harrington's Notes, Camp Blood 2, Spin City, Spartan and Angel Wishes: Journey of a Spiritual Healer) has not made a comeback yet, or gone completely crackers and starts killing folk in a clown mask or traveling around the country killing clowns. All good options for this but what the hell do I know? 

Sterling Entertainment returns to produce and distribute our movie so we are in good hands with folks that handle titles like: Iron Thunder, Studio 666, Things, Tower of Blood, Death Factory and The Curse of Lizzie Borden II I already know we are in for a treat. Also I never needed to remember the production company that brought me Death Factory. EVER AGAIN. Our movie opens with footage from some even crappier offshoot of the Camp Blood series Camp Blood: Blood Slaughter of which I was told has NOTHING to do with the original three. Again alternative titles make a play and this flick instead of Within the Woods is easier to find and confuses folk that only research on IMDB.

Ah!  Evil floaty head!

So our gaggle of jag-offs are off to hit a concert but rather than pool money and stay at a hotel, they opt to stay in the same woods. Now by this point, the original three films has established a big warning to piss off since 1999 but I guess that craziness all died down. Think of this as the lesser Crystal Lake and maybe the locals renamed it Forest Green as well. Oh sorry I meant Camp Black Tree according to the badly stenciled spray painted sign.

So having no connection to any of the originals I can completely believe these kids have no idea about the ominous and foreboding urban legend. Blah blah blah killer in clown mask slabs away, blah blah padding of pointless walking about, blah blah blah topless scenes and all shot on a DSLR HD but I guess camera boy doesn't understand how exposure works well on it. I guess jagging off while filming topless girls makes it difficult to work that option. I miss anything? Oh yes female survivor survives given the cliche' name Raven (Shuylar Craig of Shockumentary, Blood Claws, Camp Blood 4, Blood Model and The Amityville Legacy) and manages to deal with "Clown" cuz that's so Raven. Ha ha ha, kill me.

Apparently no one explained that we actually need a foley artist for sound effects so the machete sound effects sounds like a squishy diaper that leaks and on the further note, no one bothered to realize that you don't STAB with a machete, you would slash with it. If you would concerned about your lack of stuntmen, get some foam rubber, make an improvised dummy painted whatever skin tone you need and fill it of sytrene rubber you have burned enough to make interesting shapes and fake blood!!! (Blood is Karo Syrup, black and red food dye and you are good to go) Most of the music is not so much public domain but filler music from Sony Sound Series of royalty free music.

Let's see... something good about the flick... oh I like the cover art for the box. Shuylar Craig actually can pull off acting but this was a poor example of the horror medium to working in.

What's a cornhusker girl to do but be chased by a psycho.

The Henry Rollins Show

Welcome back all. Can you fathom a tattooed loud and passionate lunatic engaged in monologues interviews with a variety of celebrities and live musical performances??? As luck would have IFC (Independent Film Channel) took a chance to have a weekly talk show with our boy Henry not censored or stifled. This is The Henry Rollins Show.

3 bean burrito's revenge!

Each episode Henry has an interview, handles the hard hitting questions like: What project are you on now? Yeah I saw you in the day, how did that get started? Yes even Henry has to adhere to a few pointed questions that while dull to ask, the answers can be quite bizarre. Rollins also has a few host segments and monologues that are key to this show. One would dare say a necessity.

Cool graphic or narcissistic? Only you can decide.

Teeing off is the quick first artillery shells launched at politicians and celebrities that piss him off from the daily or in this case, weekly news. Letters from Henry were based as a satire of open letters aimed at whatever celebrity is annoying the piss out of him that week or he has closely followed their career and can only assume the blood pact they made with the dark lord of he who must not be named is really working out for them thus far. Rollins Reconsiders a very sarcastic "positive" speech made with a few rounds of Photoshop and renders a person with that particular fad that had to be in spite of good taste and common sense i.e. Hemp hoodies, baggy pants and probably parachute pants as well. Sorry Hammer.

This Disquistion: A monologue made by comedian/actress/political activist Janeane Garofalo as free range musings, thoughts of the day or general pent-up rage on issues, people, political agendas and upper one percenters screwing over the work class...all from the comfort of her apartment.

Drawing Conclusions: An animated segment by Lylofilm via Swift River Productions and IFC where Rollins had per-recorded from his stand-up and spoken word tours as with a 2D tradition animation with lovely titles like: Method Acting with Danny DeVito, Junk Mail and A Texas Barbecue with G.W. And Saddam Hussein to name a few. So you can understand how screwy these are.

IFC Soapbox: a debate from both sides of the issue ranging from pornography, R&B to more complicated subjects like war mongering or same sex marriage. Each member is given their own soapbox to stand out and address their take on the problem at hand and express their views. Finishing off the show brings us of course the end credits that were Rollins pays homage to interesting facts about historical figures and the works of actors and directors as well. He has a few passions in his life obviously.

Remember kids, a clean colon is a happy colon.

Starting up on April 1, 2006 brought us our tattooed renaissance madman but alas our 30 minutes of brutal shouting, calm interviewing and poignant speeches tallied only 41 episodes because...um too raw I guess? I would say the lack of a sack from IFC but they do take plenty of risks. DVD box sets available at Best Buy and easily found on Itunes. My guess is Henry cannot be contained on only one stage and must in fact be shared to the world and the residing galaxies!! I could be wrong of course.

Henry Rollins: Up for It

Welcome back my gregarious readers. I know that in your hearts you want even more Henry Rollins information. Okay, if you didn't want to know, skip this article. 

From 1979 to 1980, Henry was working as a roadie for Teen Idles and Bad Brains (two D.C. Based Punk bands back when Lincoln was in office) and wrote several songs for State of Alert as front man and lead vocalist only to disband after 3 dozen concerts only to line up his give with Black Flag. With that all in mind, how about a journey through Rollins' frontal lobes? Sounds terrifying? Well buckle up boneheads, cuz we're going for a ride. This is Henry Rollins: Up for It.

Yes he does work out.

In 2001, at the end of a three month tour, it was decided Rollins would bring his brand of humor, worldly experience and bizarre road stories to his crowd of London where he informs people of his trips to Australia, how Aussies fear next to nothing around the planet never worried about Nature's wrath. Favorite story is him reading about a Canadian man mashing his wang with a toilet seat in a Starbucks...for whatever reason that guy did that. I cannot wrap my head around why any man needs that level of pain, what possessed him to even try that and how hung was he. Sorry brain went to the dark side for a moment.

America's myopic view on the rest of the planet does cloud your mindset. Experiencing travel against customs and cultures allowing to appreciate the difference in morality and what is accepted. While in Bangkok, Rollins is being harassed at 1 in the morning on the mission for nothing more than mineral water, Rollins is accosted by cabbies offering underage girls for his distinct tastes, pleasures and perversion. Back of my head, says to me, "Oh you confused me for Adam Ant," but that's me. Our boy wonder attempts to fend them off with a few polite comments and gracefully decline offers of far too young naked flesh thus confusing said cabbies. After claiming the prize of refreshing water, he is once again offered a varied pitch of making their way around the zoo and afterwords getting some tail so you can't win either way on being considerate to others' feelings all the time. That in mind, do not flog the scumbag with a tire iron even if you could fully justify it. No Thai Lovehouse for Henry. Awww...

Yes Sky God?

His audition for Death for Smoochy could not come at a more awkward time. His agent insists he takes Danny Devito seriously and this could make or break his acting career. He is cutting an album with his band and being gone away from that would seriously compromise his album release. Should he turn it down or should he be loud, proud and insane? With a bold move of overacting he could set a bar so high and I am in favor of Henry Smash!!!

How to end hatred to the likes Ku Klux Klan? You need 3,000 men that embodies three ideals or concepts too vast for the Klan. Gay men, Jewish and blacks...you have created the Klan Chaos Disruption Team! Maybe showing up in a myriad of colored robes and hoods playing Jazz or some Blues as they march.

For 96 minutes of bounding around the stage, venting his spleen and speaking of whacking one's wang in the toilet, you can see the hamster in his wheel going bonkers. Will it bring you mirth? Is it insightful? Can you stand my ridiculous questions?

I did enjoy his seething hatred of Djs. 

Is it so difficult to understand??!!!

Henry Rollins Week: The Chase

Hola folks! So this week is intended to be about Henry Rollins, more specifically any film, TV and specials he had a direct involvement with. Many of you are aware of this man's spoken word tours, his band Rollins Band and even his autobiography " Get In The Van" but few know that he went to see Black Flag in 1980 when he jumped the stage and took the mike for a song. As lead singer of the failed DC punk band State of Alert came and went, fate took Henry by the hand. A few days later, he got a a call to head and audition for Black Flag. At 5'9" he has had the balls to try to outdo Iggy Pop at the punk scene, he has whored out for MTV and even voice over acting for Batman Beyond. This is The Chase.

Gimme the Jack or she takes two in the spine!

Jack Hammond (Charlie Sheen of Grizzly II: The Concert, Red Dawn, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Platoon, Young Guns, Major League, Men at Work, Hot Shots!, Shadow Conspiracy, Two and a Half Men and Machete Kills) a schmuck wrangling birthday gigs as a clown has been sentenced for life in prison but manages to give the slip and disappeared fleeing for Mexico. Getting stopped at a convenience store by a couple of cops in harness, Jack grabs a nearby debutante Natalie (Kristy Swanson of Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Knots Landing, Nightingales, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Phantom, 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag, Early Edition, Grapevine and Swamp Shark) at gunpoint.

Escaping the clutches of the cops and now engaging for in a high speed pursuit, two cops are getting the "Cops" reality TV recording in a daily patrol when it hits the radio about an ongoing chase and demand for back up. Officer Dobbs(Henry Rollins of Johnny Mnemonic, Heat, Lost Highway, Oddville, MTV, Batman Beyond, The New Guy, Bad Boys II, Teen Titans, Wrong Turn 2: Dead End, The Devil's Tomb and Feast) and Officer Figus (Josh Mostel of Jesus Christ Superstar, Delta House, Star 80, At Ease, Windy City, The Money Pit, City of Hope, City Slickers, The Maddening, The Out-of-Towners, Knockaround Guys, Growning Up and Other Lies and Blue Bloods) pop the clutch and go into action. As the license plate has been taken down, it is revealed that Natalie is heiress of Dalton Voss (Ray Wise of Swamp Thing, Robocop, Dallas, Seduced, The Colbys, Knots Landing, Twin Peaks, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, Body Shot, Command& Conquer: Red Alert 2, Jeepers Creepers II, 24, and Reaper) multimillionaire and pillar of the community. This whole event goes down from Newport Beach all the way down the I-5 through San Diego to the desperate attempt of escape to Mexico.

JAYWALKER!!!!

 With the gaining press of this dangerous pursuance throughout the towns, live coverage is being recorded from the air as well as vans trying to get footage of it in progress. Jack and Natalie find in this romp on the road that while from different backgrounds they actually have quite a bit in common and Jack finds himself regretting never having the balls to ask a girl like her out. Will they escape to Mexico? Can Jack and Natalie form a real relationship? Will this be one of Dobbs and Figus's better collars? Screw the potential love story, this is only to be watched for Rollins and Mostel's scenes.

One of my favorite scenes of this movie is still Flea and Anthony Kiedis of The Red Hot Chili Peppers trying vigilante justice to smash the BMW into the guard rails, quote smack the punk out end quote and rescue said hottie. They do this with a bright green monster truck. Director/writer Adam Rifkin (Tale of Two Sisters, Nutt House, Psycho Cop Returns, Bone Chillers, Without Charlie and Shooting the Warwicks) found most of Mostel and Rollins' ad lib more entertaining that what was written for them so he gave Mostel and Rollins the go for it. The I-5 freeway scenes were predominantly shot in Houston TX via Highway 290 and then new Hardy Toll Road so dozens of palm trees were trucked in and planted along the highway. Yeesh, that is a crappy prop job.  

This movie hit the screens a mere 3 months prior to the infamous O. J. Bronco Chase. See? Life can imitate art.

What do you think of the Padres' chances for the pennant??

Dogma

Well hey there gentle readers. Back again with some more controversial and blasphemous works of Kevin Smith. Now don't get me wrong, because I enjoyed the hell out of this flick but the Roman Catholic Church felt it was a slap in the face of the lord o' mighty and the Catholic League made like they did picketing Last Temptation of Christ via Martin Scorsese. So already I am on board just to annoy the practicing Catholics alone. This is Dogma.

Brave woman.  I wouldn't entrust these two to open a can of beans.

Destined to be the second movie but knocked back to film number four, our story opens with two fallen angels Bartleby (Ben Affleck of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dazed and Confused, Mallrats, Going All the Way, Good Will Hunting, Armageddon, Reindeer Games, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Daredevil, Clerks II and Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice) and his companion Loki (Matt Damon of Mystic Pizza, Chasing Amy, Good Will Hunting, Saving Private Ryan, Rounders, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Ocean's Eleven, The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy, The Departed and The Martian) were banished to Earth after a misadventure resigning from the appointment of Angel of Death thanks to Bartleby's words of encouragement. For all eternity they are to remain...in Wisconsin. Until McGuffin appears in the form of a newspaper clipping. Exclaiming in celebration of its bi-centennial, the plenary indulgence (remission of all sins and thereby all are permitted direct entry to Heaven) is on for those Catholics feel they must repent. Translation: Loophole and making God somehow imperfect. (I can hear the anger of many a Christian...good...good. The hate is swelling in you now)

Man that Good Will Hunting money spent quick, right?

God not seemingly on the scene, the Seraphim Metatron (Alan Rickman of Die Hard, Quigley Down Under, Truly Madly Deeply, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Judas Kiss, Dark Harbor, Galaxy Quest, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Love Actually and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) the Voice of God visits Bethany (Linda Fiorentino of After Hours, Queens Logic,The Last Seduction, Jade, Men in Black, What Planet Are You From? And Where the Money Is) a depressed catholic and abortion clinic technician charging her with a holy quest to stop the angels before all of the world is undone. She will be accompanied by two prophets Jay (Jason Mewes of Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Scream 3, Vulgar, Clerks: The Animated Series, Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back and Clerks II) and Silent Bob (writer/director/actor Kevin Smith Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Scream 3, Vulgar, Clerks: The Animated Series, Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back, Clerks II, Catch and Release, Manchild and Live Free or Die Hard) as terrible twosome from the Askewverse's longest running characters.

Along on said less than merry quest they encounter plummeting from the skies Rufus (Chris Rock of Saturday Night Live, In Living Color, Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, Lethal Weapon 4, Nurse Betty, Pootie Tang, Bad Company, Pauly Shore Is Dead and Grown Ups) a dead man claiming to be the thirteenth Apostle, omitted from the Bible because he's black. Our foursome makes their way to a titty bar finding one of the strippers to be the former muse Serendipidity (Salma Hayek of Desperado, Four Rooms, Fair Game, Fools Rush In, 54, The Faculty, Wild Wild West, Traffic, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, After the Sunset and Bandidas) inspiration herself reduced to stripping due to writer's block and thus the curious quintet are off to save the world.

Can the angels be stopped? Will the universe cease to be?? Will we all snuff it??

A few points of interest on this is, the very Jewish last named Cardinal portrayed by the late great comedian/writer/producer and actor George Carlin. Glick as I am lead to understand ain't exactly an Irish name so I snickered quite a bit. SFX supervisor and designer Vincent J Guastini had his hands full with designing wings for the angels and the Golgothan(the slimy poop demon made of the excrement of thieves, rapists and murderers) and the late talented Alan Rickman who was a Chasing Amy fan wanted to do Dogma under two conditions: 1) Staying true to the script and 2) whether the wings were practical or CGI. Did I forget to mention casting /songwriter/singer Alanis Morissette as...God?

Makes sense the Voice of God is English. Classy.