80s Slasher: He Knows You're Alone

Hello folks! I am back for Day 2 of 80s Slasher Week and this one took me by surprise. I was not prepared how I would feel after this film. So if I threw out the name Armand Mastroianni, would you have a clue to whom I am referring to? I would estimate that 8 out of 10 people haven't the foggiest notion of the fellow I am talking about but for those 2, hey thanks. Director/producer Armand Mastroianni (The Supernaturals, Tales from the Darkside, Cameron's Closet, Double Revenge, Friday's Curse, Dark Shadows, Virus and Fatal Error) has directed and produced both film and TV for more than 3 decades and while the name does not immediately spring to mind, chances are you have seen his work. Today we focus on a slasher film shot in 1979 and yes you could say it is hanging on the coat tails of the success of Halloween and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre but that would be a dick move. This is He Knows You're Alone.

Yeah it's fuzzy but a warm coat.

A young woman, a bride is murdered on her very wedding day by the man she rejected for her cop fiance, a Detective Len Gamble (Lewis Arlt of Search for Tomorrow, He Knows You're Alone, Another World and Confessions of a Dangerous Mime)who stole McCloud's jacket has the sniffles but that won't keep him from his designated rounds. That night a girl is murdered in a movie theater in Long Island which ironically watching a slasher film. The biggest amusement on my behalf is Wes Craven stole this death scene and it is almost shot-for-shot via Scream 2 with a few alterations to it. Our beady-eyed killer makes his way to a bus from Long Island to Staten Island to shop for victims and boy he should be able to find more than a few if he is lucky so long as he doesn't crossover to Fulchi's The New York Ripper set because Andrea Occhipinti has it covered.

Surprise surprise as Len's partner is Detective Frank Daley (Paul Gleason of The Breakfast Club< She's Having a Baby, Johnny Be Good, Die Hard, Nightmare Beach, Miami Blues and Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence) and my first thought was, " Principal Vernon, what are you doing here? Don't you know John Bender is just going to misbehave?" but I digress as he brings Len into the loop that the victim is a bride-to-be and clearly it is the same killer that did in Len's fiance.

Ray's "O" face.  Ew.

Amy (Caitlin O' Heaney of Apple Pie, Savage Weekend, The Seeding of Sarah Burns, Tales of the Gold Monkey, Alien Nation, Civil Wars and The Emperor's Club)is a bride-to-be as she says good bye to her fella Phil (James Carroll of As the World Turns, Senior Trip, Girls Nite Out, Master Spy: The Robert Hanssen Story and The Gathering) is off with his buddies for a stag night leaving her alone with her girlfriends Joyce (Patsy Pease of Search for Tomorrow, Space Raiders, The Young and the Restless and Days of Our Lives) and Nancy (Elizabeth Kemp of Love of Life, The Clairvoyant, Eating and Welcome to New York) and dammit one of these pairings is leading towards erotic fiction. Probably closer to the guys rutting but meh I care not.

Len's hunch on his fiance's murderer is paying off as Ray Carlton (Tom Rolfing of Another World, He Knows You're Home and Disaster at Silo 7) is adhering to his M.O.of killing off the bride-to-be and all her friends and family around her. The clock is ticking and Len and Frank are chasing every lead possible.

Can they catch Ray??!!! Is Amy destined to die??!! Will I ever stop doing this serial gag??!!!

Still love the movie within the movie gag as I noticed Scott (Russell Todd of Friday the 13^th Part 2, Where the Boys Are, Chopping Mall, High Mountain Rangers and Another World) is making out in the car when they hear a noise.   Dammit man, how many times must you be massacred before it sinks in??!! A misconception that Tom Savini provided the FX makeup, gag weapons and copious amounts of fake blood for the shoot when in fact it was fellow FX artist and stuntman Taso N. Stavrakis (Friday the 13^th, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Creepshow 2, The Mask of Zorro, Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl and Miami Vice) handling the gore and gags.

With only a 15 day shoot, the overall production took 4 months to clean up, edit and ADR where needed. The pacing is good, none of that overused POV shots for the killer and yet seeing his face does not detract the creepy feeling that would come from not knowing the killer.  His eyes look so damn menacing you should feel at ill ease.  Not too shabby first movie out. 

Oh yes and I must not forget this is Tom Hanks first feature film ever. 

Jeepers Padre, this horror film is well-lit.

Bloodsucker Sequels: Dracula III: Legacy

Howdy all and greetings to Day 5 of Bloodsuckers Sequels. Yes it is that time again as we wrap up the week. We have had our chills and spills, our laughs and languishing story arcs. Today we finish up the Patrick Lussier trilogy that is the collective Dracula 2000. Spoilers a plenty ahead! If you do not wish to partake then read a latter review I guess. For those of you that are never gonna watch this movie anyway, welcome. Father Uffizi and Luke have made their way into Translyvania, in the heart of Dracula's domain. To rid the world of this evil, possibly save Liz and make the planet safer. This is Dracula III: Legacy.

Told you to take that left at Albuquerque!

Father Uffizi (Jason Scott Lee of Back to the Future II, Ghoulies Go to College, Map of the Human Heart, Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story, The Jungle Book, Tale of the Mummy, Soldier, Lilo & Stitch, Timecop: The Berlin Decision and The Prophecy: Forsaken and Seventh Son) and Luke (Jason London of Dazed and Confused, Mixed Signals, Broken Vessels, The Rage: Carrie 2, Jason and the Argonauts and Grind) have been on the trail of Dracula and his bloody swath he enjoys making him rather easy to track.

Uffizi of course is on a mission to rid the world of Dracula and contain his remains in the Vatican. Due to his infection he fights off every morning, the transformation of vampirism feels like it is winning and only his will keeps it at bay. Luke's standing is still smitten with Liz (Diane Neal of Dracula II: Ascension, Second Born, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, NCIS, Power, Suits and NCIS: New Orleans) and hopes to be reunited with her and be with her.

Along with Dracula's vampiric drones left to torment or slaughter our terrific twosome, the villages residing under the mountaintop castle are not better off. Between the warring factions of a human civil war the rebels attempting to gain ground because the government has long since thrown their lot in with Dracula, this is some dangerous countryside.

Um, I think Liz is just hungry now.

With human lackeys restocking Dracula's larder, a journalist name of Juila Hughes (Alexandra Wescourt of Brookside, LAX, Dracula III: Legacy and Watch Over Me) who befriends the father and Luke as they are try to make their way to the castle. With acres and acres of forest, human and vampires alike roaming and of course whatever such creatures in the area, our heroes have a long way to travel. Now we are going a bit more old school so none of the hip and young kids and their short-term vampirism but we have the old school dungeon harem of wenches under the fang, barely clothed, covered in dry blood and basically closer to Stoker.

Why Dracula is now Rutger Hauer??!! not 1980's I am built like a swimmer Rutger Hauer but 61 year old (now 72) had a close relationship with booze and finally off the wagon Hauer. So yeah I was not prepared for this new Dracula regeneration er um I mean resurrection. When you watch his scenes with his chambers are adorn with a buttload of TVs all over the place. I guess immortality takes its toll and he regresses to a more evil and worn look... or something that convoluted of that nature. Most of his lines felt goofy and it was said Hauer improvised a lot so that makes a bit more sense.

Luke of course is still fighting on instinct and no real training to speak of. Sheesh Uffizi, help the kid out. Will they defeat Dracula and his evils? Can Transylvania ever be rid of the monsters man and inhuman alike? Is this gag too drawn out?

Now don't get me wrong. This film as a whole is pretty good for the stigma of "B-Movie" and the script and directing are fair. Just some of Hauer's lines are just silly and out of place for this gothic horror they are trying to give us. I mean, "There are no dead here, just the f**ked-up dead!" seemed a bit ridiculous. Not a bad film and rather entertaining but given the copious amount of scattered undead ass and graphic violence you may want the kiddies to go watch something else.

I'm Luke Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Sequels: Camp Blood 4

Hiya gang. Well it's that time again. You know of what I refer. When the blog goes back to its horror roots, digs in deep and finds either a necessary or absurd evil. The findings of course can swing either way but I will say 7 out of 10 times I will not find unpolished gem but more often a fresh turd or someone looking to put a new spin on an old thing. Yeah I'm looking at you Squagel. This week I am calling this the Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Sequels. Apparently Brad Sykes (Camp Blood, Camp Blood 2 and Within the Woods) has wandered away from his trilogy opus and director Dustin Ferguson (Doll Killer, Die Sister, Die!, Gloved Murderess and Cheerleader Camp: To the Death) has picked up the baton to bring us this next installment of (Yawn) horror. This is Camp Blood 4.

Chemistry not since Tracy and Hepburn.

Okay with a grainy pseudo link back to Within the Woods, we see a smattering of what almost looks like our half-assed reality show contestants getting gacked left and right but the survivor is never mentioned, made a cameo or even touched base upon. Personally I am still pissed that Tricia (Jennifer Ritchkoff of Camp Blood, Harrington's Notes, Camp Blood 2, Spin City, Spartan and Angel Wishes: Journey of a Spiritual Healer) has not made a comeback yet, or gone completely crackers and starts killing folk in a clown mask or traveling around the country killing clowns. All good options for this but what the hell do I know? 

Sterling Entertainment returns to produce and distribute our movie so we are in good hands with folks that handle titles like: Iron Thunder, Studio 666, Things, Tower of Blood, Death Factory and The Curse of Lizzie Borden II I already know we are in for a treat. Also I never needed to remember the production company that brought me Death Factory. EVER AGAIN. Our movie opens with footage from some even crappier offshoot of the Camp Blood series Camp Blood: Blood Slaughter of which I was told has NOTHING to do with the original three. Again alternative titles make a play and this flick instead of Within the Woods is easier to find and confuses folk that only research on IMDB.

Ah!  Evil floaty head!

So our gaggle of jag-offs are off to hit a concert but rather than pool money and stay at a hotel, they opt to stay in the same woods. Now by this point, the original three films has established a big warning to piss off since 1999 but I guess that craziness all died down. Think of this as the lesser Crystal Lake and maybe the locals renamed it Forest Green as well. Oh sorry I meant Camp Black Tree according to the badly stenciled spray painted sign.

So having no connection to any of the originals I can completely believe these kids have no idea about the ominous and foreboding urban legend. Blah blah blah killer in clown mask slabs away, blah blah padding of pointless walking about, blah blah blah topless scenes and all shot on a DSLR HD but I guess camera boy doesn't understand how exposure works well on it. I guess jagging off while filming topless girls makes it difficult to work that option. I miss anything? Oh yes female survivor survives given the cliche' name Raven (Shuylar Craig of Shockumentary, Blood Claws, Camp Blood 4, Blood Model and The Amityville Legacy) and manages to deal with "Clown" cuz that's so Raven. Ha ha ha, kill me.

Apparently no one explained that we actually need a foley artist for sound effects so the machete sound effects sounds like a squishy diaper that leaks and on the further note, no one bothered to realize that you don't STAB with a machete, you would slash with it. If you would concerned about your lack of stuntmen, get some foam rubber, make an improvised dummy painted whatever skin tone you need and fill it of sytrene rubber you have burned enough to make interesting shapes and fake blood!!! (Blood is Karo Syrup, black and red food dye and you are good to go) Most of the music is not so much public domain but filler music from Sony Sound Series of royalty free music.

Let's see... something good about the flick... oh I like the cover art for the box. Shuylar Craig actually can pull off acting but this was a poor example of the horror medium to working in.

What's a cornhusker girl to do but be chased by a psycho.

Valentine Week: Lovers Lane

Howdy again girls and boys and welcome to the last day of Valentine Week.  Valentine’s Day in fact is graced with a lovely throwback to thriller rather than gorefests of current.   When thieving film ideas of this magnitude it is always important to sample from Halloween, Friday the 13^th and a dash of the original Black Christmas.  Stir that in a pot and let it bake for at least an hour and a half and you have the makings of an ambitious attempt at a thriller/horror film.   So grab your coat for it may be chilly, grab a fella for some snuggling and enjoy multiple clichés.   This is Lovers Lane.

Spielberg Presents: Hook: The Lost Tales

Chloe Grefe: We have to go back for Brad!

Michael Lamson: Brad is spoiling dead, alright!

Our story opens with a flashback sequence and I tell ya after 3 of these this week I was shocked that was going to happen.  Thirteen years ago, on Valentine’s Day, a couple getting hot and heavy at lover’s lane Dee Dee(Diedre Kilgore of Good Luck, The Falls, Approaching Union Square and Hawaii Five-0) and boyfriend Jimmy (Carter Roy of White Face, The Elevator and Me + U) get attacked by a nut with a steel hook.  They flee to another car and find another couple deader than disco.  The sheriff arrives on the scene to find out it was his wife and town stud Ward that were murdered.  To make matters worse apparently it was bring your daughter to a double homicide day as young Mandy sees her mom bound up in a sheet that Valentine’s Day.    Ray Hennessy (Ed Baily of Lovers Lane)is locked away in Weston State Institution and treated by Dr. Jack Grefe (Richard Sanders of WKRP in Cincinnati, Berrenger’s, You Can’t Take It with You and Men of Honor) and ladies and gents he is no Doctor Loomis to be certain.

Remember to buckle up before being brutally slain, kids.

End flashback and hello present day as Mandy (Erin J. Dean of Blackbird Hill, Lolita and The Journey of Allen Strange) is the slightly quiet and removed from cliques girl and an uncanny resemblance to her late mother, her dad is still sheriff of the town and teens will be teens planning a big bash for Valentine’s Day.   Geez, didn’t any of these punks see either My Bloody Valentine flicks?   So they prep for a night of drinking and debauchery as Ray has not only kills his guards but reclaimed his hook for more bloody terror.

Now what is to be said about this film?  No stranger to danger in Issaquah Washington since 1990 when Twin Peaks was first introduced to the airwaves, we have a prime small town location that will offer enough eerie to cause the hairs on the back of the neck to RISE…and make it difficult to ignore.   Well the formula is nothing we have not already seen. The cops are worthless, the teenyboppers practically demand to be killed viciously and the killer is a stealth god given the lights simply dim whenever he is around.   The SFX make-up is fair, the actors really do try to offer credibility to a slasher film and while some of the responses are more wooden that the Hundred Acre Woods the technical aspect to the film are bang on.   

Really decent handheld and lighting done for the nighttime exteriors this is the hallmarks of a horror movie, I just feel bad they didn’t get a screen release at all as this was a fair thriller.  They would have easily found an audience.

2...for 1...refill....uahhhh...

Valentine Week: Valentine

Day 3 of the madness that is Valentine Week and let me just give you folks a shout out.  I apologize if these blogs are not churning out as quick I normally do but I am devoting most of my attention to my book that I have been working steadily on and hope to get it e-booked soon.   I spare you the details for now but you will recognize its tone and writing rather quickly.  Well our glorious holiday is almost upon us or as most of my single friends like to call it the last of the biggies of the year.  As a single person if you do not throw yourself on your sword or in front of a bus during Christmas, the New Year and Valentine’s Day; you can pretty much handle a zombie apocalypse. 

So instead of that dark note, how about a film that’s trailers made it far too easy for me to figure out who the killer was.   So be a nice girl, don’t pick on the spazzies, gimboids and thickies and be pure of heart…or die horribly.   This is Valentine.

Hummel figurine from Hell!!

Paige Prescott: [sarcastically, to Brian]  You brought me upstairs to show me your spoiler? How sweet!

Our opus opens up with true Slaughter High flashback sequence of a junior high dance in the way back time line of 1988.  I hear those kids actually had to use payphones to call their parents for a ride home.  The dark ages aside, a young bashful lady named Jeremy ask 5 girls to dance separately.  Three just shoot our lad down, one declines politely and another tricks him into dancing with her and then screams sexual assault…because she can.  The boy is humiliated, forced to go to reform school and there will be no Sybil Danning or Wendy O. Williams to show him life’s consequences.  

13 years later, Med student Shelley (Katherine Heigl of Grey’s Anatomy, Knocked Up, The Ugly Truth and Life as We Know It) is practicing on a cadaver when she finds a disturbing Valentine card and is chased about moments later by a tall black clad man in a Cupid mask.  An important safety tip, ladies is to not hide in a body bag.  It is morbid and foreshadow. 

Buffy, I am happier with Bones is all. We can still be friends.

After Shelley’s death her friends of yesteryear all receive an equally disturbing Valentine’s card but no one thinks anything of it because it was never mentioned in the news.   Homicide is funny that way to no give out M.O.s the killer might be hoping the media blabs about.  As the girls’ friend Lily (Jessica Cauffiel of Road Trip, Legally Blonde and White Chicks) gets filled full of arrows by the killer…hey the killer is Oliver Queen!    Pushing ahead the cops are actually treating this murder with a bit more diligence than the last one as it looks like a serial killer may be in the works.   The girls get together and somehow string the theory of a boy they tormented 13 fricking years ago is the culprit.   Folks, to be honest if I could actually tally the amount of people I have irked, annoyed or openly mocked over the years I would be a memory god.

The story is a standard scarred and scared boy that nobody loves vowing revenge on those evil girls and blah blah blah.  The effects are sound, the death scenes though elaborate are convincing more or less but the need for a twist ending became a staple of the beginning of 2001 we have been seeing this duplicated over and over now. 

This is more common for the remake slasher films though to make it more edgy and bloody.  Bloody, yes.  Edgy, nope.   While these films attempt to ratchet up the tension they seem to miss the point which is deliver a film of interest, suspense, thrills and chills. 

Valentine is not by any means a gory film, the level of violence is not over the top and done with a level of discretion.  Still for what was a recycled idea it tried to make people jump out of their seats but relied far too much on jump scares, dramatic pauses in dialogue and conclusions that were on whole, pretty far fetched.   Not a bad film but not exactly wowing me at the same time.

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART!!!!  Must be a Bon Jovi fan.

Valentine Week

Hiya campers!  I have returned after the FUBAR that was my computer issue of which is both good and bad news.  Good news is I was able to re-cable my old computer back to working order.  Yeah I know, how did I have an issue with that?  Well truth is, I have not done any computer work and upgrades in 12 years so behind the curve and forgot a fair amount on the internal dynamics that is a computer tower.
Bad news I kept screwing up my cabling in my new tower so I had to ask my Dad to do it.  Yeah I felt like Franklin Richards playing with one of Reed's new inventions, got busted and he had to bail me out. ( Fantastic Four reference so read some comics, people)  Turns out I just misunderstood a connection I should have been doing and Dad got it up and running no sweat.  Apparently it needs a new hard drive though.  Damn, Dad was raised in the right age to work tools better than I.

HONEY, WE JUST NEED SOME COUNCILING!!!

But enough of all that jibber jabber, you folks have Valentine's day around the corner.  A time when some men are convinced lingerie and chocolates make up for you being a total knob around the rest of the year.  It doesn't, fellas.    This overly commercialized holiday makes single men and women feel like they are worth less than nothing if they haven't received a card or some much as an e-mail and I will not stand for it.  So this week we will focus relationships that have gone south.  No, no romantic comedies and see whether or not they will iron out their wacky indiffernces.  I was thinking more a horror themed Valentines so grab your comfort food, lock the doors from impending psychos and grab at least one sharp utensil in case they burst through the door.

"HERE'S JACK!!!" CUT! Dammit Jack, It's Johnny.

Vampire Grab Bag Week

Hello again folks.  A lot going on the week as I attempt to get Rotten Reelz Ramblings funding up and running but clearly I picked the worse time of the year.   This week I thought we search high and low on yet another facet of the undead.  This time around I thought we would grab some random vampire titles and hope for the best and prep for the worst.

TRIPLE ESPRESSOS ARE FANTASTIC!!!!

I haven't got a chance to sift through some titles in a while and frankly this is good as any week. I hope we are in for a treat rather than me wincing from horrendous plots, wooden acting and men and women clearly there solely based on looks rather than talent.

Horror of 1970 Week: Count Yorga, Vampire

Welcome back to the madhouse kids for Day 4 of Horror of 1970 Week and say what horror week would be without a good vampire movie and trust me this is nothing like a good vampire movie.   So grab your crosses, snag gallons of holy water and grab a lot of sharp pointy stakes.  This is Count Yorga, Vampire.

I come from your Techicolor Nightmares!!

Count Yorga: Doctor Hayes, what an unexpected spoiler.

Our story opens with my most favorite thing in the world…narration.  Relax; it is not a Uwe Boll film.  A truck is loaded up at the Port of Los Angeles and whisked away to a gated mansion up in the California Hills and its cargo is revealed to be a coffin. BUM BUM BUM!!!!  The hostess of said manor Donna (Donna Anders of Laredo, The Arrangement, Dream No Evil and Werewolves on Wheels) has invited her nearest and dears to a séance in the hopes to contacting her dead mother.  Not exactly certain why she is bothering the dead but maybe there was a typo in the will.  In order to prepare for this séance the party is lead by the unfathomable Count Yorga (Reggie Nalder of Perry Mason, Madhouse, Dr.  Phibes Rises Again, Rapid Assault, Jungle Boy and Dear Santa), a renowned psychic from Bulgaria to perform the channeling but Donna is disturbed during the proceedings and Yorga uses hypnosis calm her nerves.  The party breaks up and Donna’s friends Erica (Judy Lang of Dr. Kildare, The Trip, The Psycho Love and Count Yorga, Vampire) and Paul (Michael Murphy of Manhattan, Batman Returns, The Island, Magnolia, X-Men: The Last Stand and The Bridge) offer to drive the Count home to his own posh mansion.  

Psst. Debbie, can I borrow your conditioner?

Shortly after dropping off Yorga, Paul cannot seem to restart his van outside the mansion (must have ran out of gas. Wink wink) and the two opt to spend the night in the van.  Naturally this leads to diddling each other in the van as Yorga plays spying Torgo outside then attacks them both.  The next day Paul cannot recall their attacker and Erica doesn’t seem to even remember the attack one bit.   Erica visits with her doctor James Hayes (Roger Perry of Arrest and Trial, The Thing with Two Heads, The Elf Who Saved Christmas, Dirty Love and Wreckage) about this mysterious bite marks at her throat.  Unable to proper diagnose the cause of her being listless he notices she is also minus a pint or two and prescribes her a high protein diet and some bed rest.  OMG, that will go right to her hips.   Ahem…moving right along Hayes contacts both Paul and Michael (Michael Macready of Something Evil, Terror House and Rescue from Gilligan’s Island) to hold a pow wow and discuss how this could have occurred when they walk in on Erica having a snack…her pet kitten to be exact.  To add to the wacky Erica threatens to destroy the menfolk but then attempt to seduce Paul before breaking down.   Could vampirism be the key to Erica’s plight and who would be the dastardly monster responsible?

I’ve got just a few more notes on this film.  There are truckloads of nudity and sex scenes due to hypnotism and vampiric nature so this is definitely not for the kiddies.  The film feels rushed and conclusions are made a bit too early but the film attempts to be taken seriously even if you, the viewer find it a bit laughable.   The print I was watching had more lines than a renaissance faire porta-potty stalls after the turkey leg didn’t agree with you.  The police as always with these films are depicted as incompetents and leave our heroes on their own and pacing of the film seems to just vary from slow and steady to a crescendo of action and hand held work.  Good film for the chuckles but not one to log on your horror shelf.

I swear I heard something.

Horror Grab Bag Week

Hidey ho readers and welcome to the week entitled Horror Grab Bag Week.  I will dip into random and obscure horror films ranging as far back as 1974 to 1990.  Should be an interesting trip not unlike of mushrooms or California Red. I am striving to find the forgotten gems and hopefully less of the vomitous of the current horror era.  The focus is based on camera angles, creativity in story in both background and characters as well as is it genuinely scary.

My humble opinion is the horror genre is so much better with a more or less original story. whether it is a ghost story, a fantasy land besieged by vampires or legions of the dead rising from the gates of Hell, gimme something to leave me with chills and a possible fright.  So let's roll them bones and see what we get.

Hello...BOoOoOOOOy!!!

Vampire Week: Vampyres

Howdy all and welcome back for day 4 of Vampire Week.  Well so far we have seen some disappointments, few out and out monsters and some blatant attempts to keep men and women in their seats with erotic scenes…  So let’s get more of those!   Yes instead of the typical Italian horror exploitation we journey on to England in almost true Hammer form for our vamp smut.   So curb your appetite, dare not look in the basement and for crying out loud have a hammer and stake.   This is Vampyres.

Hey, that's not a slumber party!

Succulent and sinister, spoilers lure men to their doom!

Horror sexploitation director Jose Ramon Larraz (Deviation, The House That Vanished, Stigma, Madame Olga’s Pupils and Los ritos sexual del Diablo) brings us a tawdry tale of a lesbian vampire couple’s feeding frenzy throughout the English countryside.   Yeah the boys reading this review just perked up ladies.  Sorry about that but they are pigs.  The concept is simple enough for any man to follow.  The ladies lure horny, unsuspecting men to their country estate, feed and pleasure them, then drain other fluids from them as well.  Our lovely creatures of the night are Fran (Marianne Morris of Lovebox, The Over-Amorous Artist, No Strings and Queen Kong) and Miriam (1973 Playmate Anulka Dziubinska of Lisztomania, The Likely Lads, The New Avengers, The Tomorrow People and Bare Essence) a deadly duo that do not mind playing with their food before feeding.   

Blucher!!

These two fiendish femme fatales periodically wander out among the grounds hitchhiking looking for men to take home and proceed to dispense with them.   Then one day Miriam encounters a stranger of the name of Ted (Murray Brown of The Wars of the Roses, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, The Black Windmill, Shadows and The New Avengers) who Miriam does not drain completely but leaves him in a slight anemic state.  As he heads down the road he encounters a young married couple that treats his wounds and for some reason (HORNDOG WRITING) the wife becomes enamored with the house and the vampiric vixens as well.  

Couple most likely...to be beaten to death with clown hammers.

And now comes the part where I will delight and bore you with details of the flick.  This is the second Eurohorror vampire film that was modern age rather than a time period piece.  The first film is Dracula ’72 from Hammer Productions.  The House for the film is Oakley Court which has been used in several Hammer films as well as The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  Hmm lesbian vampire couple or Dr. Frank-N-furter could answer the door. 

   

The married couple needs to be cleansed with fire.  Yes a bit harsh but the husband constantly berates his wife and she is well a bit whiney and distracted easily by shiny objects. Due to the graphic violence and fairly steamy sex scenes of which are at least half of this movie you can surmise this is not one for the kiddies. 

Ahh, a toast to cleavage!

The plot is a bit weak, character development is not a big priority and several shots of the film is the sultry undead are roaming about in the day.  Granted they have these huge cloak and hoods but they are never wearing the hoods over themselves.  Could have been day for night shots but if that is the case then they were really bad.  Thank God we got plenty of bedroom action and some bathing scenes though.  

Oh yes and my personal favorite when looking for films online, it has about 7 alternative titles: Blood Hunger, Daughters of Dracula, Satan’s Daughters, Ossessione carnale, Vampyre Orgy, Vampyres: Daughters of Dracula and Vampires: Daughters of Darkness.  Suffice to say I had to use 5 of them just to find a copy.  Netflix was baffled.

Vampire Week: Vampires: Los Muertos

Hola to all and welcome to Day 2 of the vampire week.  I thought I would see if we have any films out there of interest so I dipped into a few online via Netflix.   What would you say if I had a film involving vampires rampaging across Mexico, a priest and vampire hunter at odds with one another and a town in desperate need for hope?   Well I would point out that James Woods is not in this, so no wood jokes for you.  No, no don’t cry.  I promise there will be some gore gags, a few one liners and a decent cast.  So take a deep breath, sharpen your stakes and hope for the best.  This is Vampires: Los Muertos.

Oil of Olay or Undead refinishing?...she'll never tell.

Ok we got a spoiler.

Recapping after the last Vampires movie via director John Carpenter (The Thing, Escape from New York, Big Trouble in Little China and Prince of Darkness) gave over the reins to writer/director Tommy Lee Wallace (Halloween III: Season of the Witch, Fright Night 2, It, The Spree and Final Justice) and I have to admit I was not expecting gold with this and more of the plutonium variety.    Solo vampire hunter Derek Bliss (Jon Bon Jovi of Moonlight and Valentino, Homegrown, Row Your Boat, Ally McBeal and Cry_Wolf) is tending to a stray vamp that fed on a college kid of a wealthy financier when he gets a call from his handler telling him of a big job in the same area.  He is one of the best hunters but he needs to put together a crew according to the client’s wishes and attack in force. 

Lousy table manners. No dessert for you.

Try as he might to acquire help the vampires seem to be one step ahead of him and removes any back up Bliss could have.  He drives through a town that apparently is being fed on and encounters a young boy Sancho (Diego Luna of Fidel, Dark Cities, Carambola, Open Range, Nicotina and Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights) who is willing to back Bliss up if he gets paid for the work.  After wiping out these young feeders Bliss moves on to a diner and finds one of the hunters on his list.  He idly chats with a girl Zoey (Natasha Gregson Wagner of Two Girls and a Guy, Glam, Modern Vampires, Urban Legend and High Fidelity) who seems off yet not a creature of the night given she is out in the daylight.  The diner is all wiped out but Zoey and himself who were in the bathroom and he moves on to yet another town. 

Getting one additional hunter Ray Collins (Darius McCrary of Family Matters, 15 Minutes, Freedom, Hostage and Kingpin)the crew make their way to the local Abby, the monks and priests are strewn about but one survived hidden in an alcove.  Father Rodrigo (Cristian de la Fuente of Driven, Family Law, Basic, CSI: Miami and In Plain Sight) takes Bliss and his slowly growing band as a sign from God as they will be able to defend against the vampires.

They don't like being called pretty boys.

I have just a quick few tidbits about this movie.  KNB EFX brings us the monster gore effects and prosthetics.  The cast was surprisingly a unique but decent combo.  I did have a hard time buying into Bon Jovi as a loner and disgruntled but gotta say the pretty boy did bring his “a” game badass to the flick.   The better chunk of Mexico City and its residing town were the main filming locations and overall an impressive movie.  Nothing original but I feel a bit better than John Carpenter’s Vampires.

Vampire Week: Bloodrayne: The Third Reich

What could have blades, fangs, Nazi oppression and utter lack of proper camera technique?  Am I referring to some sort of Fellini film?  No it must be the German disaster Uwe Boll. Gather up the villagers and prepare to kill the monsters.  This is BloodRayne: The Third Reich.

Guttin' goose steppers!

Spoilers are Eternal!!

Yes just went you thought it was safe to go to video game movie adaptations, director Uwe Boll (BloodRayne, BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, House of the Dead, In the Name of the King, Far Cry and Alone in the Dark) rears his head like the mythological Hydra and gives us more narrative, fast paced zooming in shots and more shaky cam than The Evil Dead Trilogy.  I have stressed this in all his films and I shall say it again.  If you have photophobia or are prone to seizures PLEASE AVOID THIS MOVIE!   That being said, the rest of us will suffer through.

So you think I need bridgework?

We recap this film with of course flashbacks to previous footage from the first two and followed with the usual unnecessary voice over.  With all the reel footage of World War II, I almost expected to hear Ron Perlman’s Fallout narrative instead.  Rayne (Natassia Malthe of Lake Placid, D.O.A.: Dead or Alive, Elektra, Bloodsuckers, and BloodRayne 2: Deliverance) returns to battle the blight known as the Nazi Party.  Boll believes in adhering to Hitchcock’s notion of reaprising familiar actors into all of his work so if you are confused why you see Brendan Fletcher and Michael Pare`of BloodRayne 2: Deliverance well these are different characters and their previous characters are in fact not immortal. 

After a lengthy battle on at an undisclosed train station and Nazis are being shot by resistance fighters or gutted by Rayne, she encounters the Commandant Brand (Michael Pare` of Komodo Vs Cobra, Eddie and the Cruisers II: Eddie Lives, Moon 44, Sunset Heat, BloodRayne and BloodRayne 2: Deliverance) and as she preps to spear him with a chunk of rebar she is shot by a soldier splattering Brand’s face and mouth with her blood.   Rayne impales Brand to the floor board and drains him.

Banter with the Resistance not withstanding she senses one of her own creation and rather that find it and eradicate it she goes to a bordello for a massage.  One of the soldiers gets rough with a girl and Rayne beats him well.  Again sensing her creation she nobly seeks…the company of a girl.  Yup, no needs for carrying out that pesky exterminate all vampires mission; bring on with the prostitutes.  Yes guys reading this you get some more BloodRayne soft core skin flick action in true tradition of the original. Brand with the aid of Josef Mangler hatches a scheme to use Rayne’s blood to strengthen the Fruhrer.  

Don't laugh...it bought me a condo.

Will Rayne get off her butt and stop Brand?  Will there be more unnecessary modern swearing mixed in the dialogue?  What of little Timmy trapped down the well?    Like BloodRayne 2, her paranormal abilities of the game and the first film are stunted and apparently too expensive for FX.  Nazis, vampires and eroticism really are a crappy blend.

Vampire Week

They aren't moody, obtuse nor do they twinkle.  Yes I speak of the daughters of darkness, the sons of the undead, the step-uncles twice removed of the damned.  I speak of the nosferatu a.k.a. vampire.  Yes I have covered more than a few flicks of this nature but by God we can run this concept YET again.  Enjoy and/or suffer.  :)

Western Week: Django

Howdy all!  Welcome back for Day 2 of Western Week and boy you know how I seem predicated to the more obscure movies.  Well an Italian director fella by the name of Sergio Corbucci (Castle of Blood, Navajo Joe, The Great Silence and Companeros) puts us in a wonder with this film with a gunslinger caught in the eye of the storm.  So mosey on out in the street, clear the women and children and get ready to slap leather.  This is Django.

Eastwood? bah this is Django baybee.

Yella belled spoiler!  Draw!

Our opening scene of this Spaghetti Western;  we see a lone man with tattered union blues walking through the desert with a saddle strapped to his back and dragging…a coffin behind him?  That’s right folks; he has a pine box behind him as he moves through the scene.  Django (Franco Nero of  The War of the Planets, Force 10 from Navarone, Goodbye Texas, Camelot, Mafia, Die Hard 2, Django Unchained) comes over a hill to see a woman lashed to a few poles and then whipped by this filth and mud ridden Mexican bandits.  Next thing you know they are all blown away by five men each wearing red scarves, Django is just about to move on when he sees the woman’s saviors are playing to host a barbeque in the lady’s honor…as she will be the charcoal.  What the hell??  Oh these good ole boys aren’t so good after all. 

Maybelline: for all your saloon girl needs.

After a rather brief chat with these fine southern gentlemen, Django drops all five of them.  Top that Eastwood!  Oh I said it.   The lady in question, Maria (Loredana Nusciak of Gladiators 7, Seven from Thebes, 10,000 Dollars for a Massacre, God Will Forgive My Pistol and Now Way Out) who has been spun from Banditos to KKK to a Yankee of all things reluctantly trusts in Django and follows him to town with a great exterior shot via dolly track we see the town is not looking so good.  One would dare say it has been pillaged and plundered me mateys!!  Arrrgghh!!!   Um yeah, sorry about that.  I was watching Pirates the other day.  

Okay where were we?   Ah yes the town holds an acrid scent and blackened buildings with no signs of life to be found. If this was a one horse town, well brother he skedaddled on out.  The saloon is about all that is standing I am thinking, “Wow, not the second place after the bank was hit?”    As Django and Maria take up residence at the saloon/ motel the owner and the saloon girls call this town neutral territory between the Mexican rebels and the remaining Confederates under the command of one Major Jackson leading his boys in the timed honored tradition of the KKK as they feud over one another they can always take shelter from the chaos here at a pretty penny.  

All the comforts of home during a bloody siege so what could anyone ask for.    The Mexicans are simply trying to rebuild after the Civil War but the South isn’t taking kind to it and both sides are composed of some of the more disturbing desperadoes putting our Yankee protagonist right smack in the middle of it all.  What can one man possibly hope to accomplish against two forces of so many driven men?  What indeed.   At 91 minutes a lot unfolds for the viewing pleasure.  Alas lady readers there are the slapping around of women, the thuggish mentality of man and in general the saloon owner is a spineless coward that will not lift a finger against so many men.  Just felt you deserved the heads up.

Have Coffin, Will Travel.

Yes I am going to give a few technical tidbits about the film now.  B.R.C. Produzione S.r.l. is a rival of Dino de Laurentiis Productions nabbed the rights first.  Sorry Dino.  The film stock is 35mm but shot via Eastman spherical lens scope giving the view less wide but almost as encompassing as Panavision with its anamorphic lens.  The difference is the foreground is better defined than anamorphic.  Personally if I were shooting a film I would love a nice hybrid of both.    My copy sadly was English dubbed and had a limited number of voice actors but telle est la vie…  Luis Bacalov (Composer of A Bullet for the General, We Still Kill the Old Way, Halleuja for Django, The Protagonists, and Assassination Tango) and countless of his pieces lifted from Kill Bill Vol. 1 and Django Unchained including the English translated opening song.   Sheesh Tarantino swipes much?     Seriously though, I want to download this soundtrack to my cell just to play as I enter a room, convenience store or restaurant because it is catchy to many levels.   This is no Fistful of Dollars but honestly I am rather glad it is not.  It is separate and on its own.  Not unlike our hero or should I say anti-hero? For you fast draw nuts, you will completely dig this flick for the awesome that is Django.