Forgotten Fantasy: Throne of Fire

Day 4 of Forgotten Fantasy is upon us and brilliantly I found a film that would look very much like an Italian Sci-Fi Fantasy. NooOOOOOOOOO!!!! Well who knows. Maybe this time around I will be blessed with a forgotten gem of cinema rather than a wretched turd. This is The Throne of Fire.

Stagehand poked me in the butt with a stick.

Helming this magnificent piece of moving pictures is writer/director Franco Prosperi (The Evil Eye, Slave of Rome, Hercules in the Haunted World, Unbelievable Adventures of Italians in Russia, Ripped-Off, The Funny Face of the Godfather and Meet Him and Die). The film opens with Belial snatching up a widow for his demon offspring. No we don't see any forceful rape scene so thank God for that. And then fade to opening credits. Seems a bit rushed but hey if it makes the movie quicker, you can hit the fast forward button for me too, Film. I promise I can make up a more entertaining feature. While the demon's bride is forced to give birth in the woods in a spooky cave probably containing Cave Dwellers and Trumpy from Pod People, Seigfried (Yeah I didn't just make that up) got a castle but worry not, next to no draft thanks to glass windows of plenty...well minus the stonework and all the fireplaces. It is Morak's destiny to sit of the coveted Throne of Fire. Crafted by Odin himself for a succession of kings. At least that is what they are telling us.

Cut some warriors fresh from the Renn Faire as no one has a uniform or armor matching one another. They are a motley crew with no Tommy Lee in sight they slaughter a nearby village and burn it to the ground. Some of the farmers sought to attack these bandits by gathering in the woods for a surprise attack. Yeah you can guess how well that went. They had plenty of time to defend themselves with the bandits coming in with a slo mo dramatic fashion. Maybe 8 archers and the whole lot would have been dropped. So intense is this pillaging they use archers with flaming arrows stock footage twice.

The taking of Clarinda Iowa!

A little over fourteen minutes in to the flick and not so much as a title card announcing 18 or 20 years later as Morak (Harrison Muller of 2020 Texas Gladiators, She, The Violent Breed, The Final Executioner, Miami Cops and Getting Even) is a grown man. Looking exactly like his father...played by the same actor only with a beard this time! The village next to be razzed was concealing the lovely and deadly Warrior Princess Valkari (Sabrina Siani of White Cannibal Queen, Cannibal Terror, College Girl on Vacation, 2020 Texas Gladiators, Ator, the Fighting Eagle, Conquest and Cobra nero) whom Morak vows to marry and make his dark bride. FYI, Morak's captain of the guards is voiced by Edward Mannix. IMDB missed it as he was uncredited.

Um it is a bit breezy in my loincloth.

Our protagonist Siegfried (Pietro Torrisi of Gunan, King of the Barbarians, Popeye, The Sword of the Barbarians,S.P.Q.R.: 2,000 and a Half Years Ago and Gemanikus) knows nothing of tigers or a fellow named Roy but in fact seems to be a hairy chested oiled up warrior invulnerable to harm, has a steadfast sword arm and proclaims that he and he alone will challenge the son of Satan's messenger, Belial to combat. Did I mention he is vulnerable to fire?

Can Siegfried manage Morak? Will Valkari be forced to marry the half demon??

Okay well slow motion dramatic entrances aside, this camera work was painful. Blocking your actor into frame is tough if you don't know how, transition shots of the fade and return and more jump cuts for bounding around or being turned invisible was a literal headache for yours truly. 35 mm Techniscope isn't a bad system but for God's sake put a damn stabilizer on that if you can't a tripod. The pans and zooms were worse as they would not stay in focus. Creature and ghost effects were solar mirror or projection which have a decent enough look to them.  So no oodles of nudity, forced bisexuality but a lot of greased up men in loin cloths.

 Cranked out to 89 minutes you have a pretty standard plot of good vs evil, the practical wound effects are fair, the story idea itself was clever and overall not a bad film. Yes I was very surprised I would enjoy this. It's the Seven Magnificent Warriors all over again. Still confused to why the heroes all wear animal skins and not armor but whatever. 

So shaven or beard?  What do you think?

Edward Mannix Week: A Bay of Blood

Welcome back readers if I have any left after the cannibal/zombie showdown film of Zombie Holocaust. Trust me, I suffer its scars more than you. Unless you went out and saw it. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT??!!!! Anywho, hows about a scary Italian horror movie? Okay stop running, it is not Bruno Mattei. I'm talking the master of the Giallo movies, the cream of the crop of scare, the building blocks that made Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci want to be directors. The one and only Mario Bava (Hercules in the Haunted World, Black Sunday, Evil Eye, Blood and Black Lace, Kill Baby, Kill, Danger: Diabolik, Blood Brides, Baron Blood, The House of Exorcism and Beyond the Door II). This is A Bay of Blood a.k.a. Twitch of the Death Nerve, The Last House on the Left Part II, The Antecendent, Bay of Blood, Bloodbath, Blood Bath, Ecology of a Crime, Chain Reaction and Bloodbath Bay of Death.

Robert Evans Italiano!

This film is better known by Twitch of the Death Nerve in the states but that's a bunch of savages that know no better. Pity them. No offense fellow Americans but A Bay of Blood just sounds soooOoO much better a title. Twitch of the Death Nerve sounds like an organ harvesting film.

Our macabre tale opens with some 360 pans and a view of the lake house. Photo phobics, it wasn't bad tracking like an Uwe Boll flick. You will be alright. A spinster wealthy wife (Isa Miranda of Everybody's Woman, The Secret of Helene Marimon, Abandoned, A kiss for a Killer, When Stangers Meet, Compact and The Avengers TV series) has met her end of days violently. The reason? Well it was either too many bedpan changing or the sick amount of money she was worth.

Hangin' out. Hangin' out with my homies..Gonna have ourselves a party.

Won't lie to you, her "suicide" is creepy from the gag for air, to her body swaying limply from hanging. With a suicide note planted by her dearly grieving husband, a mysterious switchblade is jabbed into is back by person unknown. Hmm guess this is a lot of dough offhand.

Soon family members, daughter Renata (Claudine Auger of Thunderball, Yoyo, Black Belly of the Tarantula, The Devil's Lieutenant, Secret Places, The Repenter and Love of a Woman) and her husband Albert (Luigi Pistilli of For a Few Dollars More, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, The Great Silence, Illustrious Corpses, Antonio Gramsci: The Days of Prison and Luigi Ganna detective) start poking around the lakehouse trying to make heads or tails of Renata's late mother's suicide and where has her father gone off too. A real estate agent Frank (Chris Avram of Time to Live, The Rage Within, Sentence of God, So Sweet, So Dead, Cuore, Enter the Devil, Voodoo Sexy and Emanuelle in Bangkok) is hoping to charm and swarm his way into Renata's heart for the signature on the house for some cool breezy cash for land development. He can't miss, right?

And I am told I never put up nudity. Pshaw!

Two couples zip off around the lake in what looks like Jon Pertwee's Bessie to frolic and be teens/twenty somethings...only they seemed to have disappeared...one by one.

With a bit of sleuthing, Renata seems to feel as though there may be more people involved for the land and money of her mother's. She even starts questioning whether Albert didn't have a hand in it. With this amount of dough on the table, everyone and anyone is a suspect.

Will these murders be solved? Are there still more to come? Who is to blame?

Worry not readers as Edward Mannix graces us with his insidious voice as Albert's English dubbing. Thought I forgot, didn't you? WELL ANSWER ME!!!

A quick bit of trivia, this film has had an impact on Friday the 13^th Part 1 and 2 as two of the murders in it are lifted and almost shot for shot exact as homage. Hell even the locations where the murders take place are so similar it is eerie as hell.

The shooting locations had no woods to speak of, so Bava waved several different tree branches in front of the cameras to give the illusion of a run or romp through the woods. According to Laura Betti, it looked so silly to view this, the cast and crew had a hard time not laughing at the simple yet brilliant solution to a lack of woods in the area. Yeah a dude waving sticks at the camera would have made me chuckle too. Hell the tracking shots are so steady and smooth, you would swear they are dolly tracked but no. Turns out Bava with years experience in cinematography shot these amazing images with...get this. A frigging kid's wagon. Yeah the little red wagon saved the day. The camera was mounted on a pole, surrounded by sandbags to reduce any wiggle and just rolled along. Awesome right?

Because of its intensity, unearthly vibes, good story presentation and decent casting a lot of folks consider this a precursor to the slasher genre and I am inclined to agree. I mean Black Christmas, The Town that Dreaded Sundown and even Halloween have to tip their hats to their grandfather of macabre. Still love Last House on the Left Part II title considering Craven released the original a year after this flick but who needs nutty things like timelines and consistency?

Hold me closer, Tito Fuentes...

Edward Mannix Week: Zombie Holocaust

Welcome back to the week. Yeah last week was crazier than rats trapped in an outhouse after four alarm chili but I am still in the process of a move. This week we focus on Edward Mannix. "Who in the nine hells is that?" you ask. First off, very specific swear there, gentle readers. Secondly, I am not referencing Mike Connors' Mannix. All my fifty plus readers may have just laughed. For you younglings, eh what some Nick at Nite if that is still a thing or Netflix it. I speak of the unsung voice actor of no less than 106 film projects ranging from Umberto Lenzi's cannibal films such as: Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox, Eaten Alive to popular Anime English dubbing for Ninja Scroll, Castle in the Sky, Macross Plus and Artimage III.

I'm pompous, white and well-armed.

Oh FYI, for those of you that think that is the Tobe Hooper's Eaten Alive, that came out in 1976. Umberto Lenzi's Eaten Alive came out in 1980 and involves cannibals and animal mutilations on film. Important to know the difference for viewing pleasure. Today's voice over dubbing hails from Italy so next to no censoring and I probably won't find a trailer without some boobage but I am game to check. A mad scientist operating out a small island in the Moluccas or East Indies is doing experimentation on corpses.. Oh no. This is Zombie Holocaust a.k.a. Island of the Last Zombies, Zombie Inferno, Zombie Death Cult, Zombie Cannibal Ferox, Doctor Butcher and Dr. Butcher, M.D.

Danny Devito sheds a few pounds.

Yup, fell for another zombie flick under an alternative title. Oh well. The Zombie Cannibal Ferox title makes no sense as that isn't even directed by exploitation director Umberto Lenzi but on with the review. No huge drama just right into the title cards and some eerie ass synthesizer music courtesy of composer Walter E. Sear (US version of The Beyond, Prime Evil, Blood Sisters and Lurkers) and a pair of feet moving around a morgue as a little late night organ harvesting is underway. Guess daylight corpse violation is still out in this little island.

Dr. Chandler (Ian McCulloch of Zombi 2, Survivors, Contamination, The Ghoul, The Nearly Man, High Road and Diamonds) is not your typical M.D.and if he was, malpractice suits would be in the billions. I'm teasing, he is actually part of an expedition alongside Susan Kelly (Sherry Buchanan of Emauelle and Joanna, Tentacles, The Heroin Busters, Escape from Galaxy 3, Seagull Island, The Secret of Seagull Island andCrawlspace), Lori Ridgeway (Model and Eurohorror scream queen Alexandra Delli Colli of Catherine & Co., Marche pas sur mes lacets, Zombie Holocaust, The New York Ripper, Onl'apple Catastrophe and Fratelli d'Italia) and bunch of othe guys I don't care about. Their quest to find a lost cannibal tribe that worship Kito, the cannibal god. So now we have a hybrid of Ursula Andrews' The Mountain of the Cannibal God and Zombi 2??

Ah, the uncommon bacon wrapped zombie.

Unbeknownst to our plucky explorers they happened upon the same island where on Dr. Obero a.k.a Dr. Butcher (Donald O'Brien of The Train, Grand Prix, Run, Man,Run, 2020 Texas Gladiators, Ghosthouse and The Devil's Daughter) a radical scientist is performing his experiments on the dead. Worry not gentle readers as he has been re-dubbed by the basso tones of the one and only Edward Mannix. So what we really have an exorbitant amount of half naked, mud crusted Filipino young men ripping around getting "finger foods" and zombies shuffling about in the jungle waiting for flesh as well. Some decent gore effects and even the cannibals are wary of zombies roaming about.

Will the expedition make it out? Will they be zombie snacks or cannibal stew?

The film wasn't released uncut until 2000 due to almost following under the UK's Video Nasty Obscene Publications rule. Most of the sets where our opus was filmed was oddly enough the same sets as Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2. A further bit of trivia, Edward Mannix voiced for Fulci's Zombi 2 as well but that time around only titled character "Boat Cop". There is a lot of complaints about the gore and mostly the nudity and I agree. I was not prepared to see that many naked Filipino men! Or and Alexandra Delli Colli gets stripped down, painted in flower child patterns rather than some ceremonial hunter/gatherer paints and was quite perky. SO YES, DON'T let the kids see this particular zombie movie. You stick to your zany I, Zombie viewings!

Mmm, Grog tastes good.

Post Apocalyptia Italianio: The Exterminators of the Year 3000

How do all and welcome back for Day 4 of Post Apocalyptia Italianio. Yes the world had a nuclear war, the world is mostly desert and water is the most precious thing and blah blah blah. Marauders, bike gangs and gruff anti-hero yackkity yack yack. Yup, so not in the mood but let's try to put on our positive cap and give this flick a proper review. This is Exterminators from the Year 3000.

Ah not since Tracy and Hepburn, has there been such a couple.

Thanks to the nuclear holocaust, our ozone layer is depleted and water is in short supply. Connor MacLeod had no radiation shield to save us all.  HIGHLANDER 2 REFERENCE!!!!   Ahem, our rough, gruff and tough anti-hero with a heart of gold, Alien (Robert Iannucci of Young Doctors in Love, The Exterminators of the Year 3000 and 18 Wheels of Justice) having a run-in with the cops while the music sounds like John Carpenter having a stroke in mid-composure. Again as the lasers are easier to add-on in post rather than buying squibs, blanks and a butt load of pistols and rifles. In a colony compromised of dirt, cliffs and caves a young lad name of Tommy (Luca Venantini of Classe di ferro, Touch and Die, Poor But Beautiful, The Cave of the Golden Rose 5 and Primetime Murder) awaits his father for a new batch of water only he is a few days late...

Wheeeeee!!!!!!

With hydroponics, mushrooms and a few odds and ends, they are making due but they need fresh water and the means to transport it. I noticed cars over 1000 years apparently stopped manufactory after 1983, I saw a Chrysler E-Class zipping around. The biggest obstacle to the colony's survival, Crazy Bull (Fernando Bilbao of Apocalypse Joe, Black Beauty, Antony and Cleopatra, Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein, The Erotic Rites of Frankenstein. Fasthand and A Virgin Among the Living Dead) and his murderous, marauding moppets of mayhem or as he is fond of saying. Mother grabbers. Yup mother grabbers. I guess foul language was a no-no or they wanted less of that.   A common term for their killer cars are called Exterminators. Catchy, right.

The mother grabbers snag the colonist caravan is scooped up and slapped about being asked where the water is and refuse when put to the knives and die in silence. Tommy worms his way on foot, links up with Alien pinned in a mangled mobile. Tommy finds use in Alien as they must keep the water spring a secret but you get the general vibe that Alien can be trusted as far as you or I could throw an elephant. Further down the stretch they encounter Trash (Alicia Moro of Pulsebeat, Dear Nanny, Slugs, Dark Mission: Evil Flowers, Edge of the Axe, Velvet Dreams, Hot Blood and Golden Balls) and not be confused with Trash of Bronx Warriors and Escape from the Bronx. Here's a hint. Bewbs. Trash allies with tedious twosome and introduces the lads to Papillion and he will spout pearls of wisdom and...hey. That's Pag from Yor, the Hunter from the Future! Good! I felt this film would need a lot of hemp before they're through. Through the awesome power of Edward Mannix's voice, Papillon begins to tell them of days of high adventure!   Cue the Conan the Destroyer soundtrack!!!  He claims to be an astronaut who  now collects junk, refurbishes it and is a decent mechanic and tech savvy but babbles way too much about the Earth when it was green.  Could be an immortal git but I cannot say for certain.

Humungus' Road Rally of Death!!!

It is a race to the water as Crazy Bull tries his level best at being Immortal Joe or Lord Humungus but he just ends up reminding me of Vernon Wells' Wez from The Road Warrior. No planning really just reaction.   Effects are fair.  Just wanted a bit more battered land vehicles OF THE FUTURE to go with the laser guns, maybe a scale model flying ship they could call a dragon or sky god. The car stunts are impressive and I hope there were some decent roll cages or they just fast edit cut to an empty car as they did in a few shots. Alien is...well he is definitely a jerk but dammit he's our jerk.

So yeah if you need your Road Warrior fix and don't want to remember lines as complicated as: "I'm just here for the gasoline." "Be still my dog of war. I understand your. We've all lost someone we love. But we do it my way!" and of course, "Greetings from the Humungus! The Lord Humungus! The Warrior of the Wasteland! The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla!" Yup, I guess Thunderdome and Fury Road are the only quotable flicks in the Mad Max quadrilogy.  Unlike some of these knock-offs this had a good cast, decent story progression but it does lull a bit in the second act. Of course that is the pacing they learned how to build up suspense. Violent is brutal but not much by today's standards and sorry pervs, no rape scenes. I'm so sorry. So so sorry.

Still know where the best hemp is.