Rotten Ramblin On' 8 Cult Classics

Number 850!!! Zombies for Halloween: Zombie Town

Well folks we have reached that plateau of the week as always. The end of it if you will. I hope your Halloween plans work out, that you play it safe and avoid drinking and driving while costumed. Oh and ladies skip the “Sexy” outfits. Seriously for most of the country it is going to be too cold to wear a fraction of that flimsy material outdoors. Now then I decided to take a peek at some of the indie titles via zombie films and after reading titles like MILFs vs Zombies, Porn Star Zombies, Ninjas vs Zombies and A Zombie Invasion I just threw up my arms in the air in disgust. So settling for an indie title I found a flick shot on film stock and not some crappy HD Camcorder. This is Zombie Town.

PACKERS!!!!

Normally I cringe at the prospect of a writer/director combo because it can lead to misery and pain but Damon Lemay knocked it out of the ballpark with a comedy horror film. Hillbilly hunters up in a cabin in the woods(Are you kidding me?? At least the name of two horror movies, man!) are getting hammered and bitching about their wives when they accosted by zombies. One infected attacks the others and it is fairly gory but looked impressive on film. Roll opening credits as we have no rhyme or reason why there are zombies other than a nod to the local swamp.

Local mechanic Jake LaFond (Adam Hose of Zombie Town) and his brother Denton (Phil Burke of Hell on Wheels, Dirty weekend, Wind Walkers and Legend of the Lich Lord) are trying figure bills and how to make ends meet inheriting their late father's garage. They get the call for an abandoned truck in the woods and our brothers LaFond make their way to the plot device. A quick nod to his ex-girlfriend Alex (Brynn Lucas of The Vault, Convict, Eve of the Dead and Mondo Americana) Denton tells Jake he needs to get off his slacker ass and make something of himself.

Wow, never seen projectile vomiting like that before.

Denton is attacked by one of the hillbilly zombies and has a few issues with that. Otis is a remote town up in Vermont, mountainous and isolated so only one major road leads in and out of town. Jake notices something odd in the town of Otis as people seem to be keeling over. Bad batch of KFC perhaps? Whatever the case may be, there are some of the residents getting back up and becoming ravenous zombies in search for the flesh of the living. Alex is an environmentalist/scientist of obscure notion finds something unusual.

Jake's rival Randy (Dennis Lemoine of The Hiking Trip, Illegal Aliens, Tricks of Love and The Invention of Lying) teams up Jake trying to figure out what in the nine hells is going on. Randy is a decent enough guy but has his eye on Alex.

Parasitic slugs seem to infect and incubate in the bodies of the victims creating more incubators i.e. zombie hosts. Their reproduction is exponential creating more parasites.

Can our trio handle this infection before spreads? Will the whole town be infected? Must everything be solved with a napalm strike?

Between the fairly amusing dialogue, gore effects are pretty effective and keeping the cast down to a few allows for clever interaction. Contained in a small town with local support, the silly gorefest was fun.

Scaffolding protect us!!!

Zombies for Halloween: Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

Back again for Day 3 of Zombies for Halloween and I noticed something that made me snicker. There seems to be a craze for exotic dancers (Strippers) must do battle with the living dead. I mean clear heels are not an effective melee weapon unless the girl can skull crack that well. This has become a subgenre via Horror and apparently it is deemed needed to have at least five movies that I am aware of. So why don't we gander at one of those then? Well this time around this particular film is taped on a HD camcorder via Canon. This is Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

So naughty nurse is not a real profession?

With a horror duo director Jason Murphy and writer Anthony Steven Giordano(Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, The Unbroken, Robo-Dog and Monsters at Large) film vehicle is also known as Strippers vs Zombies starts with the best intentions as the story goes. Searching for the end all cure for cancer, scientist Dr. Stewart (Michael Clinkenbeard of Dark Frontier Vanishing Point Fan Based, Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! And Switch) creates a chemical to promote cellular growth but a drug addict breaks in and accident mixes up the cure and drugs with and shoots up with a couple of prositutes. Enter plot device! Junkie and ladies of ill-repute are zombified and proceed to bite folks around them. Meanwhile at the campy named strip club, The Grindhouse have had their dancers working away.

Yo baby, wanna a hot date?

Stripper pro and fan favorite Dallas (Lyanna Tumaneng of The Fiesta Grand, Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, and Letters to God) takes newcomer Harley (Hollie Winnard of Death Plots, Hoodoo for Voodoo, The Fiesta Grand, 1000 Ways to Die and The Republic of Two) under her wing and shows her the ropes, pulleys and how best to straddle the brass pole. To offer assistance to our new rookie regulars Pandora (Juliet Reeves London of Automaton Transfusion, All Wrapped Up, Second Coming and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) and Dakota (Jessica Barton of Survival of the Nude Reality Girls, The Fiesta Grand and JM After Dark: Volume 1, Issue 1) and just really work with one another. The local pimp Johnny Vegas (Anthony Headen of Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, Perfect Combination, The Bay and Internal Affairs) has lose a few of his stable, asking the girls if they see them, to send them his way. Really wanted to savage the stripper DJ with a ball bat. What a pointless job description in any universe.

Bystanders make their way to a diner for breakfast when zombie hookers (Imagine using that term in real life) proceed to attack them as they wander their way back to Vegas...hopefully to eat him.

Somewhere down the line Dallas and her guy Chris get the idea to head to the chemical research facility and receive a gob of exposition and handed an antidote.

Can the zombie outbreak be resolved? Will the antidote be the final measure?

 

Well the girls are lovely in spite of following into the jiggly girl category, the camcorder operator needed to learn how to block the actors, there was no real practical effects and they relied entirely too much on CGI gore effects. There is practically no soundtrack to speak of for any atmosphere or even ratcheting up tension. Hell the lighting was pretty painful as well. How do I put this? The Big Tits Dragon was more realistic and more thought provoking. If you want to see girls, zombies and blood, have at it.

Yeah I think the A/C is cranked up.

Zombies for Halloween: Day of the Dead

Zombies for Halloween brings us another helping of flesh devouring monsters as Romero strikes again with a cornucopia of undead so grab a melee weapon, some MREs, water and hope for the best. This is Day of the Dead.

When the wave gets violent.

In continuation from Dawn of the Dead, we follow another group of survivors consisting of scientists, military and civilians struggling through the days, losing hope in ever defeating the onslaught of the undead. Happy pills anyone? Our story revolves around Sarah, (Lori Cardille of Ryan’s Hope, The Equalizer, Tales from the Darkside, Dead and Alive: The Race for Gus Farace and No Pets) an anthropologist assigned by the remnants of the remaining government to solve the zombie epidemic. Along with an electrician McDermott (Jarlath Conroy of The Elephant Man, Joe, Law& Order and Kinsey) a horrendous Jamaican accented pilot John (Terry Alexander of Flashpoint, The Horror Show, Hurricane and Conspiracy Theory) combing southern Florida attempting to find any signs of human life. Sarah’s fellow scientists working around the clock with different fields of expertise work with substandard equipment in a desperate attempt to combat the ongoing plague. Dr. Logan dubbed Frankenstein (Richard Liberty of The Crazies, Love Child, Miami Vice, Flight of the Navigator and Vengeance: The Story of Tony Cimo) is experimenting with zombie’s lower brain functions in the anticipation the undead can be taught a few tricks. Roll over, fetch and not eat my leg I guess are the primary ones. 

Damn, my nose is itchy.  Hey, where is my nose??!!!

The commanding officer of the base sent them on recon to failure; as they return from the wasted trip they find he died in the middle of the night and is replaced by next in line of command Captain Rhodes (Joe Pilato of Effects, Knightriders, Spenser: For Hire, Gung Ho and Alienator) a man barely holding his unit together (no penis jokes please) and his own sanity when all he wants to do cut bait and get the Hell out of dodge. The biggest issue is going where? How many dead versus living are there? Is food and ammunition plentiful? What of civilization and heck is little Timmy stuck in the well?

The clock is ticking for our scientists and Rhode is less stable than nitroglycerin in a paint shaker, will there be salvation or damnation?

This is the part we like to call fun facts. Working diligently on the set of Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn, the founding members of KNB EFX Gregory Nicotero, Howard Berger and Robert Kurtzman (Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn, Creepshow 2 Phantasm II, Monkey Shines, The Horror and Halloween 5)cut their teeth under George Romero’s third zombie movie, made victims as Greg had an animatronics head made after he is squibbed (rigged with a light ignition charge with fake blood packs), Howard get a head shot squib and twirls to the ground while Robert safely ducked out of acting in this film but got stuck handing out the contacts for zombie extras.

Pace of the story is drawn out but for image impact to establish the futility of the struggle and the lack of humanity as the hearts harden in order to carry on. Romero brings us hope and despair in this movie. So your gore nuts will be happy with the patented work of Tom Savini and the creation of what will be KNB EFX. For the zombie nuts well hey there be plenty o dead roaming about.

Beats doing a flick with Ross Hagen I guess.

Zombies for Halloween: Land of the Dead

We begin with Day 1 of Zombies for Halloween. Sounds like a protest poster held up by a dead man. This time around we go back to the Godfather of zombies himself, George Romero. Now for those unfamiliar with this name...for crying out loud go on IMDB.com and take a gander. Only been making horror films since 1968, people. Anywho, we follow the story of one of the surviving cities of Pennsylvania. Pittsburgh surrounded on two sides by the rivers and the last entry covered by an electrified fence. The former rich and powerful still live in luxury as the working class still in squalor. This is Land of the Dead.

Digital dead!!!  FLEE!!!!

Also referred as George Romero's Land of the Dead, a small army search for supplies, food and medical as well additional ammo. With a handful of cash, debating and influence the city's headman Paul Kaufman (Dennis Hopper of Easy Rider, Apocalypse Now, Blue Velvet, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Hoosiers, Blood Red, True Romance and Speed) put up the funds to build Dead Reckoning, a heavy armored vehicle loaded with rockets, HMG (Heavy Machine Guns) and a decent missile rack. Armed with fireworks as a distraction for zombies, an armed team with bikes and cars swoop in taking down the nearest dead in the way while the team gets medicine and food. The team led by Riley Denbo (Simon Baker of Ride with the Devil, Red Planet, The Guardian, Smith, The Devil Wears Prada, Not Forgotten and The Mentalist), electronic expert, designer of Dead Reckoning, man of the people and all around decent guy. Denbo notices the zombies exhibiting intelligence and possible memory.

This rug is itchy, man.

This is his last mission as he has enough funds to get a car, fuel and leave Pittsburgh forever...until a low ranking slinger of booze and hookers pimp name of Chihuahua (Phil Fondacaro of Willow, Phantasm II, Ghoulies II, Dollman vs. Demonic Toys, Bordello of Blood, The Creeps and Hercules). Unofficially Chihuahua works for Kaufman as does the rest of the town and those under the luxury condos in Fiddler's Green. Kaufman has more than a few henchmen to take out his "trash". Unfortunately Kaufman has a lackey with delusions of grandeur, Cholo (John Leguizamo of Miami Vice, Die Hard 2, Carlito's Way, Executive Decision, Spawn, Ice Age and Assault on Precinct 13) has aspirations of joining Fiddler's Green given the amount of money he has will afford him not only a place at the Green but to live off the dividends.

Denbo and his buddy sharpshooter Charlie (Robert Joy of Mds, The Lazarus Child, The Hills Have Eyes, Aliens vs Predator: Requiem and CSI: NY) get tossed in jail saving a girl Slack (Asia Argento of XXX, The Keeper, Land of the Dead, Last Days, Marie Antoinette, Mother of Tears, Drifters and Dracula 3D) from pit zombies. All three are in deep kimchi until Cholo convinces the rest of the Dead Reckoning crew to swipe the badass tank and threaten to blow it up until they get cash for it. Say wasn't this a zombie film?

After the last town the crew raided, the remaining zombies led by a zombie/former gas station attendant known as Big Daddy (Eugene Clark of Night Heat, 3 Men and a Baby, TekWar: The Series, Trailer Park Boys: The Movie, Robocop: Prime Directives and The L.A. Complex) and even learn to cross the waters as there was no fear for drowning. Will the Pitt survive the incoming undead onslaught?? Will classes ever get along?? What the f**k is cash good for in the land of the dead??

A few bits of trivia now. Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright make a guest appearance as photo-booth zombies thanks to Shaun of the Dead being the hit that it was. Practical SFX wizard/stuntman/actor/director and producer Tom Savini reprised his biker character from Dawn of the Dead but as a zombie. This was the first "Living Dead" series that had digital effects in it.

Fiddler's Green is actually old maritime folklore for pirates and sailors who have served at least 50 some odd years at sea. An afterlife of legend full of music, dancing and debauchery.   With a $19 million dollar budget pulled in $45 million so not a bad turn of profit. 

Huh, figured there would be more zombies.

Zombies for Halloween

Well folks, Halloween is almost upon us and I felt like cheating for the year because...well I have covered every Halloween movie except the Rob Zombie remakes and nothing against them but there is only two of those films and you got the vibe he was begrudged to take the sequel. Again, nothing against these movies as I felt he created his own Michael Myers story arc away from Carpenter's pure evil. So I decided the easiest thing to review would be a fair amount of zombie films. Now while these are not always been my favorite thing in the world to review, I thought it would be simple enough to gander. Coupled with I was sent a zombie film to review via in the mail. I sense more than a few more films to review so I will be setting up a P.O. Box for more movies to look at.

Maybe he is just doing laundry.

Zombie movies while easy as pie to go through again I have a substantial and ridiculous fear of the shambling dead. Yup, it is stupid considering I have seen over 347 zombie movies but you must press on from this nonsense. A mild issue I grant you but a straightforward concept to contend with. So I have at least two films to review by request and at least two more to find. Could do a recent or perhaps a latter one and hope for the best.

Given most zombie films are based before, during or after an outbreak, they can surprise you. Occasionally you will luck out with a murderous and clever story like the French cinematics The Horde or you end up with a festering, stinky turd like Zombie Lake. It is a roll of the die and a silent prayer that Lady Luck has not abandoned you. So let's give a look to the rotters and hope for the best.

Skeletor does not approve!!

Savage Titles: Savage Planet

Day 4 of Savage Titles bring us off to Science Fiction and thank God for that. Half expecting raper aliens and a women in prison in space. Fortunately, it is none of the above as we approach a distant planet for its riches of mineral,plant and oxygen atmosphere. The planet is being surveyed by humans in the hopes of finding a safe, new world to probably colonize, but they what the get is a mediocre plot device instead. This is Savage Planet.

Sure hope I don't get an off-screen death!

With Earth choking on its own pollution, and expedition was take under way in the search for (No, not Spock) oxygen. Presumably they have a giant vacuum attachment with them. Hey here is a nutty idea. MORE TREES!!!! Our team led by jump cuts and film sped up armed with hi-tech machetes as one of the crew gets his hand lopped off by a machete, falls down a hole, yellow goop completely regenerates that hand and then he is attacked by a poorly Blue screen matted film stock space bear. So to recap, no text scroll of titles, no real introduction to our team and space bears... all in 2 minutes. Yeah I can hardly what to see what happens next. 

Boom Mic guy has been working out, fellas.

Sean Patrick Flannery leads the new expedition as Randall Cain, a charismatic leader that thinks things belong in a museum. Lifted footage from Sanctuary showing you a home of the future and desperate times. Tired cliché of news offering exposition blurted on Flannery's tinfoil covered home as he preps his morning coffee and dear God it is depressing how in shape this man is. Sorry, bitter writer moment. His vacation canceled, he is off to go on to a foreign planet dubbed “Planet Oxygen”. Yeah it lacks punch. Their mission is to acquire an vast oxygen producing plant that will make the rain forest seem redundant by comparison. And they will be teleported on the planet with a long range teleporter. The survey bot that sent a recording was shown to the team via a MS DJ machine...OF THE FUTURE!!! Cain and his team assemble gear and supplies, transform and roll out!!! Okay, fine they just grabbed their gear and went to the teleportation ring.

20,000 light years away seems like quite a distance as they go through what looks like a Stargate prototype and the team scientist arrived safely as he preps the way for the others to come through and he must be deaf as a post as stock sound effect of bear growls and grunts are happening right behind him. The space bears draw near. Our team are going through one at a time to ratchet up tension or they think it is a nifty effect to keep showing and pad the film. Teleporter mishap of folding a guy bones the wrong way but no real worry the character was hastily put together and looked like a prison yard scumbag.

Will the space bears slay them all? Will the team find the needed planet? Can they get back home?

With a thrown together plot from a cheesy dimestore novel we have the characters fighting off space bears. The mildly cool predator POV shots almost made me expect something even more menacing than that but no. Funny thing is, I was just talking to my mom about this flick and she pointed out it was going to hurt. Death by stock footage is nothing new to me in this racket but dammit all, this was a stinker. Earth in turmoil because of humanity, last minute rescue for the planet and next to no budget for practical effects so we get CGI blood splatter, stock footage of brown bears to grizzlies. Yeah they changed species and the faces of distraught actually looked like they were constipated. To take care when viewing this film, because the Space Bears are very cross on the negative stereotypes that were portrayed here. They are all around us.

Fear the awesome power that is...SPACE BEAR!!!!