Season One Shows

Let's face it, we have seen plenty of shows. Shows that moved us, shows that disgusted us and shows that didn't get enough of a chance at life. Welcome to the week ladies and gents and this week I wanted to do a little TV as I have steered clear of it for a bit.  Ranging from drama, comedy and even a little sci-fi, I thought it good and proper to discuss shows that did not get the opportunity to blossom into a series people would not stop yapping on about * cough * (Walking Dead) and bring more subject matter into our homes for great writing, fine acting and excellent direction.

Ugh, girl parts.  Where do I put my hands?

What if that show isn't allowed to be? What if due to scheduling conflicts, writing strikes, FAR TOO MUCH reality TV and poor Nielson ratings that show is terminated with extreme prejudice? For the week, this week be all about shows that did not get the breath of life past Season One and the fans are still miffed. Let's see why, weigh the pros and cons of each show and the genre it hails from.

Shiny...

For those of you already bored with this idea, well there are better written and well researched blogs out there. Believe it or not, there are actually far poorly constructed ones as well. Clearly I need to make some cleavage shots for this one to boost the ratings. Hmm, lacking boobs so on with the write-ups instead and welcome to Season One Shows.

Patch Adams and Buffy.  Weirdest Crossover yet.

Bruno Mattei Week: Shocking Dark a.k.a. Terminator II

Hiya kiddies and welcome back to Bruno Mattei Week. Well thought we would steer away from anymore over the top Vietnam films because well there is only so much stock footage explosions my brain is comfortable taking when it points out again and again we have already seen this. This time around our film hails more of the Science Fiction route in the most amusing of rip-offs, Mattei is tackling James Cameron but somehow his production team stolen the title to the wrong Cameron project and has plenty of alternative titles since then to really confuse the obscure overseas collectors. Nice move there Flora Film. This is Shocking Dark.

Tight formation, people!  With no long range weapons.

Going by the working title, our film is also know as: Bruno Mattei's Terminator II, Aliens 2, Aliens II and Terminator 2. Real creative I know but you have to admire the freedom overseas laws offer you with a psuedonym. What's that? No, no Bruno Mattei didn't swipe your movie, it was that Vincent Dawn fellow. The movie takes place in the far away future in post-apocalyptic Venice that seems to finally be sinking into the rivers... which I am not certain how they could be filming in Venice when the entire town is on the sea and I saw more boiler rooms than I did in Space Mutiny with Reb Brown screaming,"MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!" every 5 mins or so. You know it is after a major holocaust because of the foggy shots off the bay and a sign with hazard tape and electric tape warning us that Venice is off limits. Meanwhile all the structures of the city look completely intact but out of focus. Dammit Mattei spring for some scale models, low cam panning over it and then cut to some regions that could double for ruins.

Ahhh!!! My crotch is on fire!!!

So soldiers of the sad name Tubular Corporation are known as Megaforce and are roaming around this massive steam tunnel/boiler system that looks leftover from every 80s big hair band video as it provides sparks and plenty of steam. Funny how I didn't see Barry Bostwick or Persis Khambatta in it... because they were in the movie Megaforce. Crap, I should have just made a Power Rangers joke instead of dating myself YET again. As they explore the ruins of Venice armed with the high tech weapons of Remington 12 gauge shotguns and Uzi 9mms. GUNS OF THE FUTURE!!!

They are assigned to tackle guys in rubber monster suits and smoke them like a pack of Kools. Apparently they are mutations from a genetic experiment that went horribly awry. Not that you really can see that action on account of all the damn steam. I have been in saunas with less steam. I am convinced there are Turkish bathhouses with less steam. Still it is nice to see actress Geretta Geretta of Rats: Night of Terror with a less offensive name than Chocolate. I am not certain if she is supposed to be Sgt. Apone or Pvt.Vasquez but she looks mildly tough... aside from her BMX padded felt vests and cycling protective gear servicing her and team as armor. A couple cans of spray paint and some model paint to create dents and scrapes, people and boom! Armor!

Will the Megaforce accomplish their objectives?? Can they withstand the onslaught of creatures?? Should they dust off, nuke the site from orbit and have a few brewskis?

Just a few comments on the flick now. Most of the dialogue, shots and overall story-line are completely abducted from Aliens. Word for word in some scenes. Our "Newt" Samantha as an accent that sounds Solvic one minute and then South African the next so no clue. The monster suits look like something out of Humanoids From the Deep and are even slimy so kudos there.

Of course true to Mattei's style the musical score sounds pinched from a few Miami Vice episodes and even some of composer Vangelis's Blade Runner soundtrack. So if you need something to laugh and mock at, grab this flick. For quality entertainment with the same identical plot, go grab Aliens.

My God... the ruins of Venice... The horror...

Happy Friday the 13th...Part 3??

Heya folks.  Just wanted to say enjoy the warmer climate this day and when you are all done with your errands, going for a walk or jog or even taking the kids out for some fun in the sun, give Paramount's greater money generator a little love and watch some of the Friday the 13th flicks or even *Gasp* the TV series.

Hey kids!!  No hanky panky around me or I'll kill ya!

With that in mind horror fans, what is your favorite kill scene in the Friday the 13th franchise?  Some were quite creative, while others felt static and lacking in texture or form.  Leave me a message!

Hope Mom doesn't find my porno stash after I am dead...  Gaahh...

Bruno Mattei Week: Cop Game

Welcome back readers of mine and I hope to make it up for Bruno Mattei Week. As previously mentioned, I delayed write ups for personal reasons including replacing a cell phone and in general had family over to hang out with and RPG with. We are back on track now and hey how about a cop movie with such depth of a DePalma thriller? We journey to Saigon during the last year of the Vietnam War when two MP (Military Police) are operating in plain clothes find a dead prostitute in her own bed and no one is speaking up on who could have commited such a heinous act?? Oh wait... no that is the plot to Off Limits with Willem Dafoe and Gregory Hines. Yeah, that is a good film. We will be seeing the knock-off that is confusing, loads of explosions and dialogue so bad you will crack a tooth clenching your jaw. This is Cop Game.

Must not look at the camera. Crap, I did.

Our film opens with stock footage of Vietnam but clearly they are filming in the Philippines as Vietnam is a trifle touchy about war films in their backyard. Go figure. Italian master of designer impostor of cinema Bruno Mattei and written by Claudio Fragasso (Women's Prison Massacre, Rats: Night of Terror, Cop Game, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2 and Shocking Dark) brings us more Soviet activity in Vietnam. This time around it is the KGB have been rumored to be in the area... but enough of that thrilling concept, let's go visit buddy MPs Morgan (Brent Huff of The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak, Oblivion 2: Backlash, Hijack, Pensacola: Wing of Gold, Final Examination, Kill Speed and D-TEC) and Hawk (Max Laurel of Zuma, Hell Hunters, The Last American Soldier and Robowar) as they uncover a group of elite soldiers have gone completely crackers and are killing civilians. Our cops piece together the killers may be a recon squad known as Cobra Force... led by a guy with a speech impediment and his cohort, the Man in the Silver Mask.

Umbrella Corporation's early door-to-door sales.

It has proven difficult to get at the truth with the slinging of red herrings and red tape thanks to Skipper a.k.a. Captain Kirk (Nope, not Shatner but exploitation actor Romano Puppo of Death Rides a Horse, The Great Alligator, Robowar, 2019: After the Fall of New York and Zombie 4: After Death) Colonel Kasler (Wener Pochath of Bloodlust, A Man Called Rage, Target, Days of Hell, Striker and Laser Mission) and the enigmatic Annie (Candice Daly of The New Mike Hammer, Girs Just Want to Have Fun, Hell Hunters, Cop Game, Zombie 4: After Death and Where Truth Lies) tosssing plot twists, rumors on the street and general misdirection. Can our able cops find out who is responsible for this mayhem? Will the guilty be brought to justice? Will the damn soda machine stop carrying RC and put out some Mexicoke instead?

Well let's see what to say about this film. Brent Huff seems to be channeling Reb Brown as he shouts his every other line. Rocking his mirrored sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt so loud Magnum and Sam Axe would have passed on it. I was expecting to have people hurled about at the camera or maybe a good floor waxer chase scene. With a decent 80's title song kicking into overdrive the film gets you pumped to watch more as it is played throughout the movie in two different versions. We have footage that Mattei lifted from both Strike Commando and Robowar. That's right, he lifted huts exploding and mass wreckage from two of his previous movies. Only Mattei can steal from his own material. Our writer does a quick appearance for a role as a corporal and well it is as memorable as his stint in Hell of the Living Dead and Zombi 3. Also Actor Ottaviano Dell ' Acqua of Rats: Night of Terror, Escape From the Bronx, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2 and Double Team manages to put in a performance as well.

What starts out as a decent car chase de-evolves into a forced perspective miniatures and further more uses footage of The Ark of the Sun God as the cars and number of passengers constantly change. Coupled with the hours of which both were shot it looks about late morning to early afternoon, so not a smooth transition.

The dialogue pulls some groaners as we are reminded that Captain Kirk's name hails from this Roddenberry project... Trek something or other. We see a fair amount of late 80's clothes and cars as this is supposed to be the end of the Vietnam War. Mindless violence, a plot so generic and more shots fired forms than Chuck Norris ever filled out. I was not really impressed.

And there on the handle, was a hook!!!   Not feeling the love, kids.

Bruno Mattei Week: Strike Commando

Hey there folks. Sorry the delay the last two days. Personal issues including having to get a new cell thanks to my graceful dropping of the previous one. With that in mind we continue Bruno Mattei Week with an incursion to Vietnam but apparently this is not part of the war bringing the ever shouty, eye bulging Reb Brown as lead role gunning men down, driving knives into their bellies and all around being a terrifying bad ass. Will this be a rip-off of anything previously existing? This is Strike Commando.

Get off my roof, squirrels!!!!

Sgt. Ransom (Reb Brown of Captain America II: Death Too Soon, Yor, Hunter from the Future, Uncommon Valor, Howling II:... Your Sister Is a Werewolf, Space Mutiny, Cage and Cage II) leads his valant men into a weapons depot in Vietnam, prepping C-4 around the base to be obilivinized I guess. His superiors are keeping an eye on the team's progress as his CO, Colonel Radek (Christopher Connelly of Gunsmoke, Paper Moon, Police Story, Airwolf, Jungle Raiders and Foxtrap) is getting antsy about the time they are pain painstakingly taking sneaking behind enemy lines, avoiding barb wire, tripwires, mines and enemy patrols. Guess Radek expected everyone to go all Solid Snake, have their cardboard box handy and just ease in and out of the location.

Hey Radek, why don't you sprint across the open minefield then? Jerk. The bombs are laid and everyone is making their way out when one of Ransom's commandos is caught and killed by a roaming guard. Should have checked his proximity detector... which he didn't have. The alarm goes off and Radek jumps the gun demanding the bombs prematurely detonate (A constant complaint he receives from his wife) while Ransom's team are still in the blast zone. Another one of the team gets blasted as everyone hauls butt and Ransom is tossed in the river.

So after this gets blown up, let's get a beer.

Found in the river by a village boy, Ransom is nursed back to health at an alarming rate. Seriously, what is in the local herbs because he is fully healed in no time. Psst Ransom, score me some of that. He agrees to lead the villagers out of harm's way when it is discovered there is a Soviet attachment working with the Vietcong. The helicopter swoops in and Radek tells the pilot to leave Ransom because the LZ (landing zone for civvies) is too hot.

Cut off from rescue, one of Ransom's majors manages to calm him down long enough for Ransom to sneak back in and take photos of the Soviets for proof they are operating out here. Far too long he is spotted and captured. The Soviets led by a fella name of Jakoda (Alex Vitale of Hands of Steel, Urban Warriors, Strike Commando, Robot Jox and Beyond the Door III) torture Ransom with electrocution, beating him, forcing him to do village chores and barbaque his back with a blow torch. Any of this sound vaguely familiar? *cough* Stallone movie

Months go by and finally the Soviets give Ransom a chance to spare his life if he speaks out against his government and points out how they left him to die while being total cowards blah blah and so on. Ransom gambles with his life and mops the floor with the soldier, scoops up Jakoda's girlfriend and tries to make it out with his life. Will he succeed in escaping? Will he demand vengeance on Radek? Is there a horrible paying ransom pun in there?

Okay now just a few comments on the movie. While not brilliant or original, this is a hard hitting, fast paced action film that provides entertainment for those wanting bullets whizzing through the air, body count rack-up and a lot of violence.

That being said, it is easy enough to see where most of the inspiration (RIP-OFFFFFF.....) came from as it is very close to Rambo: First Blood Part II overall but it also has a lot of fight sequences that are just too exact to that of the Missing in Action flick with Chuck Norris and I swear Jakoda is nothing more than a hybrid of Dolph Lundgren's Ivan Drago from Rocky IV and Lt. Nikolai Rachenko from Red Scorpion. Film theft aside, I was actually having fun with the movie in spite of the heartfelt speech Ransom goes on about Disneyland rides, junk food and candy to a dying boy that has probably NEVER heard of Mickey Mouse. To Reb's credit he looked like this is the kind of thing he would tell an actual dying boy.

Scorpions in my pants!!!!

Bruno Mattei Week: Rats: NIght of Terror

Greetings one and all to Day 1 of Bruno Mattei Week. This would normally be the part where you would be subjected to an insanely gross zombie film of far too many titles but is commonly known as Hell of the Living Dead but I have long since reviewed that film and have no desire to go back to it. Much like Godfather Part III, once is enough in my book.  Instead we hearken to the Post Apocalypse universe of such popularity since Mad Max. The re-emergence of this sub-genre has life breathed into every 5 to 10 years or so. Some are thought provoking, dark and abysmal existences and some are Waterworld. I kid Waterworld. Not such a bad flick if viewed a tad bit more objectively.

Nevertheless, I speak of a movie established 100 years after the nuclear fallout with inhabitants of this scorched Earth rise out of underground shelters in search of power, food and other such needs. This is Rats: Night of Terror.

Have fun cleaning up our poops!!

Brought us by the letter A for Atomic Fallout our band of underground dwellers in secure sanctuaries ascend to the surface to see what is become of the planet. Set in a desert town, our band of dirt covered, scruffy survivors are out and about travelling in trucks and bikes that somehow work well, the radiation didn't screw up the gasoline or perhaps they run on hopes, dreams and unicorn farts. Not sure what the deal is with that.

Puttering around this battered town that is rad free and the buildings are simply abandoned, our team is lead by a bearded goof name of Kurt (Ottaviano Dell 'Acqua of Crime Busters, Uppercut, Zombi, Nightmare City, Days of Hell, Cop Game, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2 and Double Team) and his collection of half educated warrior wastelanders including: the very striking and ridiculously named Chocolate (Geretta Geretta of Demons, Buy & Cell, Shocking Dark, Sweetiecakes, Bloody Christmas and The Becoming) and white afro wearing Video (Gianni Franco of The Phantom of the Opera, The Wax Mask, Crimes, Third Person and Colpi di fortuna).

Looks like a savvy bunch.

The rest of them... seriously you will not care. When they are not bickering at one another, they are discovering an elaborate hydroponics garden, filtered gallons of fresh uncontaminated water and a couple barracks full of packaged food. Which begs the question, who built this paradise and where are they now? Okay, we have to get to the goofy part as they raid the local tavern/watering hole and all these rats are just lumped together on the floor and around the bar top. A large gathering of rats seem to thwart our one dimensional gibbering mongoloids at every turn! With scenarios of them burrowing through stomachs and throats, the rats seem to be cutting our travelers off from the exits. What will they do next? Is there no end to their devious behavior? How can they be stopped?

A few comments about the movie now. Mattei is trying to get you to suspend loads of disbelief as the rats are overrunning the place like zombies when in actuality they are huddled together and some of them have dye in their fur to make them look black and menacing. Yup, white rat minstrel going on. Tsk tsk.

Most of the wild leaping scenes of the rats hurling themselves in the air like demented anime characters minus the speed lines you can clearly guess the arc and trajectory was possible by a stage hand lobbing the poor critters at the actors. The close-ups on one of the actors engulfed in rats you can easily see they are fake, plastic and glued onto his costume. Their main tech guy Video is convinced every piece of hardware simply needs a kick in the balls. No really. That is actual dialogue. Truly a film worth poking fun at, assuming you are not just laughing at the poorly dubbed dialogue and lack of inflection in the voices.

Kate Moss before Photoshop.

Bruno Mattei Week

Welcome back readers! Yes I am back, energized and ready to be the sophisticated writer bringing you the majestic side of cinema, describing in detail the fundamentals of each shot, location and what the director and actors were inspired to achieve after enjoying the riveting final draft of the script.

Yeah that's gonna happen. Have you read some of the stink bombs I have reviewed??!! With that in mind we will go into the realm of the obscure and overlooked exploitation director of horror, science fiction, action and exploitation with Italian director Bruno Mattei.

Right now he is envisioning his version of Avatar.

Making his mark in the industry with editing more than 100 flicks between that latter 60s to early 1970s he had his first directorial in 1974's hardcore footage of Jesus Franco's 99 Women, in which he supplied 20 additional minutes of pure adulterated smut. Yup classy beginnings aside he directed two Caligula inspired but blatant rip-offs called Caligula and Messalina and Nero and Poppea: An Orgy of Power. Can you guess there just might be gobs of nudity??? If the answer is yes, well no f**king kidding!

Having breasticles flashed at the camera isn't all he mastered as he has moved into the expanse of horror sub-genres such as: Zombies, Creature Features, Cannibals and Women in Prison films. Of the 54 films directed, 29 of them he wrote as he has trolled the states to find the next new rip-off to create. You see kids, with his extremely low budget for cinema, most of his films have horrific dubbing, oddly translated dialogue and enough gore and nudity to stave off the average horn doggy. Dubbed the Italian Ed Wood may have stuck in his craw a bit but he persevered having a substantial cult following from the VHS, Gen X to the Millennials enjoying his awesomely bad films. From that we can take in these are movies folks are at home giving it the MST3K smack down with vim and vigor. The most predominate sub-genre Mattei was found working in was the Naziploitation flicks that usually revolved around death camps, experiments or stockades and the like. With the clique that it is de Fuhrer's up most important gig that has to be taken seriously. Did I mention gobs of nudity because these were considered erotica as well.

Where is that Goblin music coming from dammit??!!

From ripping off James Cameron and Sly Stallone, International law on plagiarism is a long and pain staking task to prove what was lifted from music, dialogue, characters and even film story ideas so better to just shake your head and rise above it. The man when through a lot of pseudonyms to avoid most of these law suits so good luck on that. Vincent Dawn being the most likely and a nod to George Romero's Dawn of the Dead. So worry not my readers, I have a plethora of crap ahead of me and I will go kicking, screaming, gouging and ball kicking all the way into the madness that is Bruno Mattei Week.