Madman

Hey folks I have returned! I know not nearly the impressive staple as clouds parting and a booming voice from above but I must make do. So what is true to form with this blog? How about a 80s slasher film about a legendary mass murderer? Yeah one day it will be the musings of an Albert Brooks film or possibly Glenn Ford Western. Instead howzabout a crazed lunatic that has been summoned in Bloody Mary fashion? On the edge of your seats yet? This is Madman a.k.a. Madman Marz a.k.a. The Legend Lives

Jeez, most bad acts just get the hook.

Well if it wasn't an obscure Indie Horror movie, the alternative titles clearly has made its way telling me the stars have aligned. Probably not for the better. Let's get into this, shall we?

Our opening credits are shot more like end credits and have a pronounced piano score but hey who am I to judge? I think I can also hear a synthesizer. My God those things were rampant in the 80s.

It all started during a campfire at North Sea Cottages, a special retreat for gifted children... No seriously, that is the tagline intro to the scene. Then Professor Charles Xavier drafted this gifted youngsters in his school for the gifted and they had to fight Magneto. No wait, yeah that's a different retreat and far more gifted youngsters.

No zombies in the hot tub. I checked.

Instead we get to hear a little diddy about Madman Marz, hiding in the woods looking for victims. We are treated to what one could only conclude as flashbacks of Madman Marz's greatest hits or slayings while the song is going on. SLEEP TIGHT KIDS! Oh and severed heads float around here, zombies pop out of the ground, stay off the moors and beware of wolves. There. That will shut them up about canoe rides.

This editing choice I find out later is actually later footage of the film spliced in. Congrats film! You are your own spoilers! I mean, what the hell? I do my level best not to give much away and the damn movie is doing it for me.

Okay before we go any further down this rabbit hole, I have to be honest. With that in mind, TP (Tony Fish a.k.a. Tony Nunziata of Madman and performer of Song of the Fifth Wind and I Don't Need Words) and Betsy (Actress/writer/director Gaylen Ross of Dawn of the Dead, Madman and Creepshow) are the real drawing power in this movie. The supporting cast means well but unfortunately they really don't have the training or natural talent. No fault to them, it's just line delivery is very clunky or they simply could not word it as well to sound more fluid.

And there on the handle,was a hook...

Trust me, Betsy looks pretty bad ass toting a boom stick around. I'm watching this and my brain kicks in as I find myself saying, "Francine of Dawn of the Dead? What are you doing here?"

Naturally we have a dumb ass kid that doesn't take the legend seriously and proceeds to quietly chant Marz's name summoning him into the woods. Smooth, kid. While you're being a complete ninny hammer, why not get Candyman and Bloody Mary as well? I mean your self-preservation skills are so low and all, maybe all three will duke it out on who gets the next kill.

Our teens to twenty somethings all group off and Marz starts cutting a bloody swath through the grounds. With not knowing where everyone is, clearly we need to form search parties, SHOUT THEIR NAMES REALLY LOUD and hope for the best. Doesn't that sound keen?

At least people are arming themselves. Almost unheard of in a slasher film. Usually they grab an ax handle or a rock and try to fend of the killer, but this time we got folks packing heaters. A roscoe, a piece, the difference. For those too young to know these terms, I speak of guns.

As the night is rapidly dwindling away, the survivors just know if they can make it out of the campgrounds and get to the cops, everything will be alright...or will it? DUN DUN DUN!!!

Now some Fun Film Facts...or just odd news attached to this particular flick. As this was supposed to be happening during mid spring, the early winter had to be combatant with painting leaves of the trees and the bushes green on location to give the illusion. Really makes you feel for the cast, doesn't it?

Our Madman Marz, Paul Ehlers received the news his wife went into labor. So unable to get out of his eerie mountain man murderer apparel, Ehlers greeted his son Jonathan in full makeup including fake blood and overalls. Let's just hope the lad didn't imprint on that.

With a feel of being a hybrid of Friday the 13^th, The Burning and Bloody Mary, I have seen this same formula handled better. Again not a bad film but it didn't really strive to do something of real note.

Well...there goes his modeling caareer.

S.W.A.T. Season 1

Hey all. Welcome back. This is my first real foray into 2020. Was a bit disappointed no cyberpunks or shadow runners. Those that got this reference, thanks. With the small screen still keeping us entertained we have a re-emergence of the popular 60s to70s to 80s show getting a revamped look with things like Hawaii 5-0 and Magnum P.I.and hell even MacGyver has a new running. So it was not all surprising that another cop show has gotten the love once again. With its predecessor starting in 1975, this updated version is ready for the mean streets of L.A. This is S.W.A.T.

Nah just protein shakes, light chicken and weight lifting.

Many a Criminal Minds fans were devastated with Shemar Moore vacating the series but rest assured ladies and gents, Chocolate Goodness is stepped into the role of Sgt. Hondo, team leader of S.W.A.T.and has a fine collection of bad asses. (Sorry I went Apone there for a moment) With a heated debate over police conduct, Hondo's former team leader has been taken off the force and he has been placed in charge during a rough issue of an unarmed kid getting shot.

With his team of LAPD, Deacon (Jay Harrington of Coupling, Summerland, Desperate Housewives, The Inside, Private Practice, Burn Notice, Benched and S.W.A.T.), Hondo's second-in-command, streetwise and hot heated Jim Street (Alex Russell of Almost Kings, Bait, The Host, Carrie, Cut Snake, Unbroken, Goldstone, Rabbit, Only the Brave and S.W.A.T.) tough girl with a heart of gold, Chris Alonso (Lina Esco of CSI: NY, Cane, Heroes: Destiny, Drop Dead Diva, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, 15 Minutes, Open, Flaked, Kingdom and S.W.A.T.) sharp and easy going Victor Tan (David Lim of Castle, Soap in the City, Hollywood Heights, Supergirl, Criminal Minds, Quantico, 5^th Passenger and S.W.A.T.) and door knocker and heart of the team, Dominique Luca (Kenny Johnson of The Shield, Cold Case, The Undgodly, Saving Grace, Sons of Anarchy, Burn Notice, Dexter,Chicago Fire, Blue, Bates Motel and S.W.A.T.) they are trained and experienced in almost every feasible scenario and prepared to expect the worst.

Freeze Lil Wayne!

With joint leadership of the youngest Captain Jessica Cortez (Stephanie Sigman of Miss Bala, Pioneer, Artic Monkeys: Snap Out of It, The Bridge, American Crime, Narcos, Spectre, Shimmer Lake and S.W.A.T.) and veteran coordinator and Commander Robert Hicks (Patrick St. Esprit of Black Dawn, Crusade, ER, Walker, Texas Ranger, We Were Soldiers, Angel, Tremors, JAG, Saving Grace, The Chicago Code, Super 8, Sons of Anarchy and S.W.A.T.) the two work together prepping units, dole out assignments and try to make some sense of order out of the chaos.

Too much pretty for the streets there.

What is great about this series is simple. We have everything from character based story lines, existing subplots that will carry over to the next season, racism issues and being handling in more of a positive light. I mean you have a Hispanic female captain, S.W.A.T. Team leader is a black man, a young Asian man hearing from his family how he should be in a career through MIT instead of being a door kicker with S.W.A.T. We have tension, action, good character development and some updated stories from the original series.

With a solid cast, crew and writers, this season tugs on some heart strings, gets the die hard action fans plenty to see and shows these people are human flaws and strengths. Family issues, community being disgruntled with LAPD and a variety of criminal scum. Personally as I am two and a half seasons behind, I look forward to reviewing Season 2. So let's all thank CBS for bringing this into the 21st century.  

 On a personal note, sorry about the screenshots, Netflix wasn't working so I had to go to a freebie streaming site and yeah it is LOADED with Ads. Hence the black ink. Again sorry about that.

So Mexican and beer after work? I'm buying.

Slay Belles

What is the true meaning of Christmas? Peace and goodwill to all? Mass consumerism? Friends and family gathered to share memories? Well these extensional thoughts are all well and good but, I think it means I have another requested horror film. Yup, no Capra or Sirk requests. No, I get jiggly girls caught in the middle of an ancient battle between good and evil. This is Slay Belles.

You strippers is crazy!

In an abandoned Christmas theme park, three pesky girls Sadie (Hannah Minx of The Devil's Carnival, FearFighter and Slay Belle), Alexi (Kristina Klebe of Halloween, The Accidental Husband, Public Interest, Wild About Harry, Zone of the Dead, BreadCrumbs, Rise of Nightmares and The Kiss of a Killer) and Dahlia (Susan Slaughter of Social Medium, Party Monsters, Alleluia! The Devil's Carnival, Ouija House, Cynthia, Slay Belles, Bliss andThe Dawn) are out and about exploring this forgotten land of mirth and merriment. Naturally this means an assortment of selfies. Ugh. Cleavage baring outfits aside, they genuinely feel like friends that known each other for quite some time. Our intrepid trio is a gang of YouTubers named Adventure Girls. Their niche is cosplay and abandoned buildings exploration.

Around the abandoned village, a biker belching, scratching and being more vulgar than Romanian sailors on a drunken rampage, the girls are a bit creeped out. Unbeknownst to the girls, but pieced together easily enough by viewers of the genre; the girls manage to irk the ancient disposer of naughty children, the Krampus. FYI, the costume's practical effects looks like right out of the old engravings of the German mythos.

Close Encounters of the Ick Kind.

We have a pulp fiction standing of a movie or story with sequences out of place. Prior to this visit the girls sit in with Cherry (Diane Salinger of The Butcher's Wife, Batman Returns, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue, Ghost World and Carnivale) and her bar for rounds of whiskey and a steady diet of exposition about the random bear attacks in the woods.

Donning risque costumes, makeup prepped and attitudes perky, the girls scamper about the village, upset the monster and come face to face with less than jolly Old St Nick (Barry Bostwick of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Megaforce, Spy Hard, Spin City and FDR: Badass), who would rather be riding his hog (His chopper. Don't be lewd)than dealing with the likes of Krampus and his ilk. Now our vapid, vacuous, vain girly girls have to fight for Christmas and the world instead of click bait.

Damn Frat boys. Always doing this to me.

As always with most horror, the cops are useful as a uranium enema.   Ew, that was a nasty visual but my point still stands.  With aid of improvised weapons, Santa and Ranger Sean (Stephen Ford of Bratz, Maneater, Masked Rider: Dragon Knight, Private Practice,Teen Wolf and Homecoming) the girls are ready to do battle. Win or lose.

Alright the meat and potatoes of this. One: only one real stage or environment to use so cost is down. Two: There is more than a handful of recognizable faces, Three: this is meant to be a Horror Comedy and while there is some funny, yeah it's going to be graphic. Four: The practical effects are really damn good. Krampus alone looks amazing. I did laugh seeing Richard Moll of Night Court, House and Circus Kane and well as Diane Ayala Goldner of Feast, Halloween II, The Collector and Feast II: Sloppy Seconds.

For those that recognize the area, yes that is Santa's Village via Lake Arrowhead in the San Bernadino National Forest. I have only been up there twice but the structures looked familiar and yeah it is about the size of a medieval village.

It's silly, bloody and just damn odd.  Do I recommend it?  Well only if you are in a "Up Yours, Christmas," kind of mood.  I somehow don't see it replacing Dr. Suess's The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

So this is Chatsworth? We're here to audition.

Red Christmas

Happy Holidays, folks! Be it Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Wookie Life Day; people are out and about doing their shopping and making cards. So naturally we have to get in on a Christmas slasher flick. You were expecting Frank Capra perhaps? So we have have a widow and her slightly estranged family are all gathered to a remote estate for Christmas Eve. So of course there's a killer roaming about. This is Red Christmas.

Well the hills do have eyes but they have cataracts.

Filmed in Australia, our favorite 80s horror/sci-fi mom is back! Diane (Dee Wallace of The Hills Have Eyes, The Howling, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, Cujo and Critters) gathers her squabbling family up to her home and boy doesn't that sound fun? Like trying to shave public hair with a chainsaw kind of fun.

Our Mouseketeers are all set for a Christmas Eve as they bitch, whine and complain to the levels I am praying a man nuttier than squirrel poop deals them all in. Minus Dee of course. Love this woman. Let's meet the family shall we? Yes this will be as warm and cozy as a flaming straight jacket. 

I SLIPPED!

There's boozy, quite pregnant daughter Ginny (Janis McGavin of Comedy Inc., The Mansion, The Urban Monkey, The Elegant Gentleman's Guide to Knife Fighting and Red Christmas) and her baby daddy Scott (Bjorn Stewart of Black Comedy, Red Christmas, True Murder, Chasing Comets, A Chance Affair, KGB and Spread the Word), Diane's cold-blooded and child barren sister Suzy (Sarah Bishop of Skit Box, The Great Gatsby, BedHead, In a Woman's World, Crushed, Red Christmas and Find Your Voice), her born again, pervy Preacher husband Peter(David Collins of You Can't Stop the Murders, All Saints,Me & My Monsters, Maya the Bee Movie,Oh Yuck!, The Umbilical Brothers: Not Suitable for Children and True Murder), Diane's idiot, spliff smoking, hillbilly bearded brother Joe (Geoff Morrell of Murder Call, Grass Roots, Rogue, Cloudstreet, Top of the Lake, Nippers of Dead Birdy Bay and Harrow) and Diane's son with down syndrome who constantly quotes Shakespeare, Jerry (Gerard O' Dwyer of Be My Brother, Heartbreak & Beauty, Red Christ, Kairos, Little Monsters and Way Out Assistance).

This shindig should go down quicker than a lead balloon. The festivities are interrupted due to a pounding at the door. Looking outside to find a deformed man, Cletus holding a letter addressed to Mother. Diane invites the man in with some degree of hesitancy, allowing him to warm his bones.

Diane gives the letter a gander, refutes these accusations and shuns Cletus (Sam Campbell of Dirty Bird, Johnny Beretta, The Tail Job, Red Christmas, Bin Chickens, Small Town Hackers, Fresh Blood Pilot Season) from her doorstep and denies anything to do with him. With a bit of rambling and grumbling the family calms down. Yeah this didn't chuck a live grenade in the room at all.

Well it goes the stereotypical route as these slashers go. An assortment of elaborate weapons used to dispatch the family with ease. Yeah to go into greater detail will technically spoil the movie.

Let's get that damn squirrel!

Our mood music is fair, the cast is decent, the story is drek and filled with the tropes of old. We have a typical villain done wrong so will have bloody revenge story arc that holds no new surprises. There was a bear trap death that was interesting at best and mildly bloody. I think this may have been a TV movie in Australia. The POV shots were giving me a headache, so photophobic folks should skip it. You all may want to skip this.

If you're bored and found nothing else to watch, have at this movie. If you need background noise while doing the dishes or washing the floor, hey this movie exists. If you wanted a potential thriller horror mystery, this is definitely...not the movie to watch. Dee Wallace was honestly the only shining beacon in this hackneyed attempt to scare me. You guessed it, jump scares. And no male readers that ask me this too often, no titty. While I did not consider this a good horror movie, at least it wasn't the 2006 Black Christmas.

Consequences of sex? Who knew.

Night Killer

Back again oh Readers of Rotten. Yeah I am liking that tagline. Feel free to shoot a variant or simply different term to quantify yourselves, my readers. Today we haven't had nearly enough schlock in some time; so who better to go to then Bruno Mattei (Rats, Shocking Dark, Strike Commando, Robowar, Strike Commando 2 and Island of the Living Dead) and Claudio Fragasso (Monster Dog, Zombie 3, Troll 2, After Death, Beyond Darkness,Operazione Odissea and The Squad) the Mockbusters of Italy.  Is the film a Giallo?  Is it a slasher film?  We will find out.

This is Night Killer a.k.a. Do not open that door 3

Eww, your hand smell of Astroglide and pathetic tears.

Wow with in the first 8 minutes we got nudity (Yes fellas there's titty in this) and I just know this will be an international epic. We also have English dubbing that may or may not actually, possibly mimic human speech patterns. This is due to an Italian film crew needing all lines having everything phonetically translated. This is one of the many reasons Troll 2 is awesomely bad. Also question your life choices if you are considering watching Troll 2 without a drinking or riffing game.

On with the film as we see choreography on the stage. Work those calves guys and dolls. No they aren't doing a production of Guys & Dolls. The dancing is all over the stage, aerobics in the background and the play director looks like she is doubling over from bad clams. All in all a fun time clearly.  Honestly, these many uncoordinated white folk dancing brings me right back to Friday the 13^th Part 4: The Final Chapter.   While viewing Crispin Glover's character looking like he is have several myocardial episodes, I screamed at the screen offering Jason $80 to off them all.

FAME! None of you gonna get it!

One of the dancers shows up late and director well, she really didn't chew the girl out. It was tame so she is gotta get dressed for rehearsal and we got a music cue of bad guy about, with a near Freddy Krueger knifed glove and bad head? Going by the shadow, folks. An almost Radu from Subspecies hand eases the changing room door as we gander at nude blonde soon-to-be-dead. Keeping it classy, right movie?  In addition to a Kreuger knock off mask, he has Zombified, Mongoloid, Hillbilly Jason Voorhees murder strength; as he penetrates her entire chest with a slightly effeminate jab. One Punch Man could have made that strike. Also the killer's apparel is already revealed to be wearing said mask, a maintenance jumpsuit and a black trench coat.  Between Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees, those jumpsuits just fly off the shelves.

The director has a slight meltdown and by that it sounds like she is supposed to be frustrated...it came off like she forgot her lines. I could be wrong. With the PG-13 Tourette's aside, she goes for a smoke and calming down.  Ew Camels non-filtered. I think I figured out why she couldn't project loudly.   Oh in case it sounds like I don't even care about the actors dancing, there are no credits to their IMDB I could find. Yeah! That's what I am dealing with here.

Frustrated, the director/choreographer goes to give Elizabeth Ross (Yup, Betsy Ross) a piece of her mind and she bumps right into the killer; who rakes her throat with his Radu claws.  8 minutes in and we are finally getting our title cards.   A few directors still like that gag.   Finally, lead characters. Melanie (Tara Buckman of The Cannonball Run, Silent Night, Deadly Night, Xtro II: The Second Encounter, Freddy's Nightmares, and Blindfold: Acts of Obsession) sends her daughter Clarissa (Tova Sardot of Night Killer) to see her dad.  Ahh divorce but still behaved. Good call, parents.  I would also point out the striking resemblance Tara Buckman has to Linda Hamilton.   Kind of eerie truth be told.  

Suburban life of 90's coifed hair, shoulder pads in business jackets for both sexes and economy cars.  It is winter in Virginia Beach (in spite of being shot mostly in Rome) and the exposition plot dump tells the tale of the killer as he is also...a rapist. Yay. Grrr. Really need to start viewing synopsis better.

Renegotiating nudity clauses.

We know that Mel is a serious writer, because her whole den is infested with books and she smokes indoors. I vaguely recall smoking indoors. We get a red herring with her ex-lover as he drinks too much and sounds like he was voiced by a drunk Angus Scrimm (Tall Man from Phantasm series).

Melanie is attacked by said murder/rapist and she saw his face but the events are so traumatic she can't bear to think of it. A quick technical note, there was a beginning scene of Tara topless and mere seconds later, she's got a sweater on. The editor fall asleep or fall off the wagon? Your guess is as good as mine.

This masked sicko roams the streets and the cops are doing everything but yelling at Melanie for not remembering that horrible day. Yes fellas, it's all her fault your investigations turned up nothing. Jerks.

Will the killer be brought to justice? Will Melanie remember the killer, let alone who she is?

I get the vibe that Fragasso was going for an intense thriller and they snagged Bruno Mattei for the gobsmack collection of nudity and gore as he is known for. You can really tell the difference in their two styles.   The gore is definitely there, the effects are pretty hammy and the music score sounds like someone sat on a Casio keyboard.  What had the potential for a good ,psychological thriller murder mystery got dumb down for blood, guts and nudity.

So if you need implied rape and murder, see a shrink.   If you want complex story line and clever dialogue, don't watch this.   The irony is in the title as most of the murder/rapes were happening in daylight hours or really well lit homes.  Yeah well this was awful and I am out.  Please again, feel free to suggest titles for future reviews.

Shall I hold you closer, tiny dancer?

Snake in The Monkey's Shadow

Hey folks, I'm back. So a friend of mine pointed out this particular movie this morning and I had not seen hide nor hair of it prior, that can be a hit or miss for me. With the scanty information on this film via IMDB, I had to go to The Movie Database and the Martial Arts Movie Database. Yeah there are a few setup that way. This is Snake in The Monkey's Shadow a.k.a.Snake Fist vs the Dragon.

Look at this poor posture. Shameful.

Hmm the alternative title sounds like an nearly cinematic gay porno. Eh, no matter.  Our movie opens with a serious demonstration of Snake style Kung Fu versus Drunken Monkey Kung Fu. Already I am thrilled. It's a martial arts expo if you will for three minutes. It is similar to Ninja Death II and Sho Kosungi's demonstration in Enter the Ninja. The intro title credits song is reminiscent of Fists of Fury or at least that is what it sounds like to me. Look I have seen a fair degree of flicks, they tend to blur into one another.

One accomplished master snake who apparently has been killing off other practitioners of martial arts challenges a monkey master. I am a bit appalled as this has been told to us by the narrator. I mean surely they have some authority they can turn his mass murdering ass over to?

Asian Mark Hamil?? Perhaps.

Long story short, Snake loses to Monkey. No shocker there. Ah Peter Gabriel jokes...that no one got. Boy the meat slappers got a lot of work on this picture. Oh sorry. A foley or sound effect for strikes were two paddle with steaks attached to the paddles and slapped together for a smack strike.

Pretty sure nobody wanted those steaks after a two to three hour recording session.

The main story starts with a boy named Liang (Because don't all films start that way?). Liang (John Cheung of Massage Girls, Super Dragon, Godfather's Fury, The 36^th Chamber of Shaolin, 2 Wonderous Tigers, Winners & Sinners and Bloodsport) is a lowly fishmonger. Hey, the kids bullying him kept saying it so it must be true. Liang becomes obsessed with Master Ho (Chiu-Sing Hau of Five Superfighters, Jade Claw, Stroke of Death and Shaolin Drunk Fighter) and his school of drunken boxing. He heads out to drop fish off to the local nobles, the Yans when the younger brother of the Yans slaps him around and mocks him claiming Liang is the new family dog.

Ho is begged by Liang to join his school but is tossed on the streets. The rate they were going I was waiting to hear Aladdin's Riff Raff, Street Rat song. Yeah the whole town basically treats him like a joke.

ACK! Getting your bill, sir. Yessir!

Enter Koo an accomplished drunken master taking pity on Liang and proceeds to instruct him. He treats Liang like utter crap and Liang starts at the Ho's school as a cleaner. Liang has excellent photographic reflexes as he watches the students and improves in technique and form. Begrudgingly, Ho allows Liang to join the school.

The Yan brothers mock Koo and Master Ho weeps the walls with the snotty punks. Naturally this can only mean the Yans' honor is besmirched and they will have satisfaction. They actually hire contract killers to put Ho and Liang in their place...of death.

Yeah the scumbag snake that fought Koo earlier in the film is back with a partner and they are looking to raise some hell for the right price.

What does this mean for Liang?? Will Master Ho be defeated?? Will they go full Fists of Fury and try to take down Ho's school??

Okay yes the dubbing is a bit painful but not compared to Ninja Death I and II. The dialogue however...well that is a bitter pill to swallow. The choreography and fight sequences are downright amazing, plus all the wire work for leaps.

Seeing three completely different sets of Kung Fu was actually a sight to behold. Snake seems fierce but is limited to mostly mid level strikes and kicks. Drunken allows for more limber movement that appears erratic. Monkey is pure mimicry of an actual monkey movements and attacks. The combination of Drunken and Monkey was difficult to follow.

Okay the story of humiliation and revenge from heartless bullies is a trope many of these films share but as a whole this was enjoyable.  Again the dialogue was shaky but the fight scenes did make up for a lot of it.   All in all, 7 out of 10 for me.   I may not come right back to it for another viewing but I had a good time with the picture overall. 

MONKEY COMBAAAAAT!!!

Killer Crocodile

Hey gang. Sinuses hate severe weather transitions. So I thought we would endure a creature feature today. Similar to the 1950s to 1960s, Atomic radiation was the cause for gigantism,mutations and rabid creatures; the 1980s was all about nuclear waste causing superheroes ROUS (Rodents of Unusual Size), CHUDs (Cannibalistic Humanoids Underground Dwellers) and those pesky Ninja Turtles. So with that trope at the ready, did I mention this is an Italian creature feature produced by Fulvia Film? This is Killer Crocodile a.k.a. Murder Alligator.

Yer dead meat, Paul Hogan!

Yessir, that is the production company who brought us eerie films like Fulci's The House by the Cemetery and The Beyond...of course they also put up money for Joe D' Amato's Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals or Marino Girolami's Zombie Holocaust. You know you have high hopes for this movie when the alternative title is about a completely different species.

Our director/producer Fabrizio De Angelis ( is primarily for action films like Thunder, Deadly Impact, The Manhunt, Operation Nam, Thunder II, Karate Warrior, The Overthrow, Thunder III, Karate Warrior 2, and The Last Match) has a tall order to fill. Radioactive creature that somehow doesn't warp the vegetation and animals around it.

A group of 20 somethings start investigating the very site. Oh Corporate America, you'd got away with it if it weren't for them meddling kids. The leader of the pack, wildlife photographer Kevin (Richard Anthony Crenna of The Blob, The Great Los Angeles Earthquake, Predator 2, Chicago Hope, Roswell and Landspeed) senses a mystery, teen gang and fires up the Mystery Machine to head into the unknown fracas awaiting them. He and his band of enthusiastic environmentalists just knows in their heart of hearts, nuclear waste is making its way into the swamps, thus damaging this ecosystem for the sake of cost to overhead. Yup, never heard that happening in a creature feature via the 1980s.

Nuclear spillage for us Gen X crowd meant superheroes, supervillains, zombies, ROUS (Rodents of Unusual Sizes), giant killer plants and more Italian post-apocalyptic futures were we wouldn't even see the millennium happen.

So I'm prescribing a topical cream for those gaping wounds.

For my younger readers, Nuclear waste or power was the equivalent of Atomic waste and power was in the 1950s. For your generation, you hear all the dangers of genetic manipulation, engineering and splicing.

Naturally the elected town officials want to keep this quiet for the sake of the population...and their re-elections. Jobs, not People! Hmm that may possibly be the crappiest slogan.

A quick side note, I can't help but feel like this is a direct competition with the Jaws franchise and the 1979 Giant Alligator but this could be my opinion and no one else. That being said, the creature attack theme sounds a bit too much like John Williams' Jaws theme track.

How much Jaws do we have? Well we have a Quint archetype via Joe (Ennio Girolami of The Nights of Cabiria, Fury of Achilles, The Feast of Satan, Sexy Sinners, The Last Shark, Tenebrae, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Escape from the Bronx, Operation Nam and Sinbad of the Seven Seas) who says the croc is as good as dead.  Veritable bad ass of our picture here, folks.  Italian Lee Van Cleef (No really, looks just like the man) swears this to be so.  Crenna's Kevin feels like Hooper and Brodie combined. 

This is a No Wake zone, ya yuppie jerk!

Let's talk about the creature itself. There appears to be the rubber coated foam one that floats in the water, the animatronic head popping out of the water and savaging the locals and a POV version showing more teeth than the entire Osmond family. Again younger readers, this is a Donny and Marie Osmond reference. Hey, nutty idea. Look some of these up yourselves.

Now overall the effects are serviceable, the bladders that seem to blood gyser their way through removed limbs could have been done with a tad more accuracy but this is still fairly experimental FX. In daylight, it looks pretty hokey. Night shots however is flat out awesome. The creature gets to pop out of the water and the ADR growls are giving it some scare. Yeah I did say growls. I know, I know. Crocs don't grow, they have a mild hiss.

Overall, you have a creature feature film that has borrowed a few ideas, tried to set it in a location of said scenarios of creature ran amok in the swamps and the officials plus some plucky kids want to stop before it's too late. Again, napalming the swamp would be bad but given the toxicity of the waters and plants via nuclear waste; the burn off might allow nature to begin anew.

The English dubbing is a bit painful and you really get the vibe the dub actors had no footage to stare at and had to go solely based on the writer's notes. (Scream like a little girl. Now scream like an elderly checkout clerk) We are not making new leaps and bounds but this being a horror film lacks nudity, mild swearing and the blood effects are tamer than a night of The Walking Dead.

Unintentionally funny and riffers would have a field day with it. Make it a drinking game to say, "Screw you, Liver." 

Jamaican does give me gas. Ah hell, looks good.