Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Phantoms of the Year: Life Blood

Welcome back to Phantoms of the Year Day 2. That really needs a catchier title. Oh well, moving on we are back for yet another New Year's Eve but not in the realms that we are used to. Imagine a swingin' sixties love fest with delectable dishes and dapper dude gadding it up when all of the sudden, an accidental murder occurs and a lesbian couple flee from the party only to end up dead... and that's just the beginning. This is Life Blood.

Fellas, anything that yummy on deserted road, think trap.

Coming out of indy film producer/actor/director Ron Carlson (I Am My Resume, Tom Cool, Life Blood and All American Christmas Carol) brings a film with a fairly original premise. Our couple jetting down Pearlblossom Highway freaked by the incidental murder, Brooke (Sophie Monk of Click, The Hills Run Red, Hard Breakers and The Legend of Awesomest Maximus) killed a rapist and Rhea (Anya Lahiri of The Fine Art of Love: Mine Ha-Ha, Dream Team, Daylight Robbery, The Scar Crow and Dragon Soccer) is worried about the repercussions of this act when they are visited by God (Angela Lindvall of CQ, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Somewhere and Our Wild Hearts) who calls them angels and tells them they are here to protect the world from true evil by killing to survive... and then they die. Laid to rest for more than 40 years the tempting twosome raise out of these...cocoons I guess is the best term in their next to nothing cotton slips and panties roaming the highway and feeding like vampires do. Brooke just goes completely wacko and feeds on multiple innocents while Rhea tries to talk Brooke out of it. The pair retreat from the rising sun to a nearby roadside convenience store and Brooke tortures the poor hapless clerk Dan (Patrick Renna of The Sandlot, Son in Law, The Big Green, The X-Files, Dark Ride and Bad Roomies) when Rhea gets in a fight with Brooke only to be killed by Brooke. Guess the honeymoon is off. Brooke proceeds to continue her bloody swath of evil as "God" in a sheer top brings Rhea back to life to stop Brooke.

Grr... wait, what's my motivation again?

Okay there are many points of this movie that need addressing. These are not pet peeves or nitpicks but major psychological coniptions. The first guy Brooke gacks has a pick-up with a trailer he is dragging behind. One of those silver rounded jobs. Why are they not covering the windows with cardboard and duct tape and sleeping in it? Any mouthbreather with an IQ over a salad bowl is asking this question. Neither vampiress has brought that up or even elude to its existence. SO WHY HAVE IT???? 

 The acting is abysmal with the exception of Patrick Renna, who was spot on. He is clearly having a blast with his role and his performance is loads better than our lead vampires. Also for the fellas, (sorry ladies) the lesbian vamps do not get starkers. That's right, guys no nude vamps for you, no lesbian rompfest so you can officially move on at this point. The fact that there is nudity and while it is abundant, it isn't placed in scenes that make sense overall. At the end of the day it just feels like the script was not flushed out and this is padding the film. the violence isn't over the top but fairly gory. Jiggly girls aside, this film had no real sense of direction, goals or really even a plot. Interesting story idea but not properly structured. Move on, folks. Nothing to see here.

Bloodletting is common with necking... if done right.