Friday, February 19, 2016


Back again ladies and gents and do I have an award-winning film I want to talk about. By award-winning I mean steady yourselves for a boat load of Razzies and fiery poops from Hell. This moving pictures was brought to us overseas via Italian exploitation director Bruno Mattei (Hell of the Living Dead, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, Cop Game, Zombi 3 and Terminator 2 a.k.a. Shocking Dark) who is known for lifting plot, music and even stock footage of existing films all the while hiding under pseudonyms to avoid lawsuits. I was dying when I discovered that Cruel Jaws a.k.a. Jaws 5 lifted footage from Jaws, Jaws 2 and the knock off Jaws films Mako: The Jaws of Death and The Last Shark. So what do I have for you today? How about a knock-off hybrid of The Predator and Robcop? This is Robowar.

JAKODAAAAAA!!!!!!!  Oh wait, wrong flick.

For a director whose stock-in-trade is women in prison flicks and blatant rip-off films involving sci-fi, action and horror, this movie should not have been a big shock to me and yet here we are. Leading a team of commandos in the bush (jungle! Stop being pervy!) Major Murphy Black (Reb Brown of Yor, Hunter of the Future, Uncommon Valor, Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf, Space Mutiny, Strike Commando,Cage and Night Claw) is recruited by the CIA to rescue hostages taken by guerilla fighters in a Central American country...hey doesn't this synopsis seem familiar?? I mean Arnold's name isn't on the box but gosh if this doesn't sound like the Predator. So Slab McBeef Large and his crew sneak into the jungle and you can tell this is a Mattei film. Not just for the low budget but once again he hires Italian Chuck Norris Massimo Vanni (The Last Shark, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Warriors of the Wasteland, Escape from the Bronx, Double Target, Cop Game, Zombi 3 and Shocking Dark) who I kid you not looks like a brunette Chuck. It is eerie.

Billy, you're on beer run and stop grinning!

 What is actually going on is our "Mac" knock off tells the team that a government engineered cyborg was set into the jungles to be tested out in real time, wipe out the guerrillas and assess his capabilities but due to plot device or sunspots, the remote link was severed and now he is blowing up stock footage of Double Target and Strike Commando. Once again, this an Italian film shot in the Phillipines so you know that if you trek 500 yards from this "movie set" you will run into the many fortresses used as Women in Prison films.

The biggest complaint of this movie is the early 80's synthesizer for our musical scoring. I feel like I am watching an episode of Miami Vice that Michael Mann didn't direct so you knew there was piss poor story and no Jan Hammer music. The action is fair, the acting competent and over all not bad if I hadn't seen the original inception I might actually enjoy this mindless blood and guts flick. Don't worry Reb Brown fans, our boy is still inhaling helium for his episodic and incoherent screaming...classics like "MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!!!", "GO, GO GO!!!" and my personal favorite of WAAAUGGGHH!!! But we kid Captain America of the 70's as he has a much better build than this writer hands down. Another so bad it's good. Penned by Claudio Fragasso (Women's Prison Massacre, Strike Commando, Shocking Dark, Zombi 3, Troll 2 and The 13th Mission) you are in for many acquired line and cheesy delivery. Oh the only version I could find was with Filipino so yay me for international.

Screw this! I'm going to the Terminator 2 set!