Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Vampire Chicks with Chainsaws...no, really.

Hiya gang. Y'know I am no stranger to power tools and mutilations, right? The fact that a myriad of such home improvement apparatus used on creatures, sex starved teens and even a more than a plethora of deadites throughout the films I have either enjoyed with friends and family as well as some of the cankerous piles of congealed monkey vomit I have endured for this blog. So when you pick a title so far removed from the typical, you kind of deserve everything you get, correct?

Well this turdwaffle flew out of the screen and ulcerated my soul for the day so feel free to duck because there is some petty rage heading. This is (can't believe I am writing this title) Vampire Chicks with Chainsaws.

Behold the awesome power of...Debbie.

Now I would like to think for the most part, I try to remain objective to all the films I watch, but there are times and films when that is physically, psychologically and spiritually IMPOSSIBLE! When I have sat through nickel and dime films like Camp Blood, Zombies Vs Vampire and hell let's toss in that Bloodlust flick, these movies do not have much going for them. Maybe decent camera work. Perhaps an actor actually attempted to emote for this film or my personal favorite when these shoestring budgeters do not rely entirely on nudity. That being said, our VAMPIRE movie is primarily under the cover of mid-afternoon...when the creatures of the night are awake? Look, this is not the first non-budget flick I have endured. Remember Platoon of the Dead with the store bought Stormtrooper blasters, ketchup and oatmeal zombie effects?!! You have any idea what kind of therapy is required to get over that??!! Me either. I more or less forgot about it until this cheeseball movie. Also everything that has ever been written about the mythos of vampires is completely wrong according to brainchild writer/editor/director Carlos Don Diego whose very name sounds like he should be freeing Mexico from the Spaniards on a black horse, bullwhip and saber.


Grab yer hip waders because in we go. Our moving picture opens with a Sony purchased metal music score with a Native American cat in a black trench totting a Spas shotgun that screams I am an Airsoft gun. Chased by what looks like twin skinheads in the woods for no doubt eyeing their lemon drink. Punishment is death of course. In fact, he seems to be leading this half-assed team into the woods. Spoiler! Get used to seeing a lot of the woods.

Ancient spirits tell him.. well nothing according the soundtrack and none these guys look like they even had a crash course with a local S.W.A.T. Which actually makes your film a teensy bit more impressive if your characters look like they know how to handle a gun and rifle. Decent enough hand held drags one of the good ole boys offer to Sega Genesis 1993 Jurassic Park raptor sound effects so you know he's in trouble. The three are dispatched squirting Kool-Aid Ecto Cooler, possibly a lesser shampoo under the terrifying time of about 5 at night.

Hillbilly extrordinare Quinn Ash (Adam Abram of The Collectors, The Eleventh Hour, SAGA: Curse of the Shadow and One Shot) has a poorly ADA recording for a narrative and saws up some trees describing his sad existence. The metaphors and idioms are so blase you kind of wish to be deaf at this point. FYI, this is our third bald headed guy, I guess there was a quota or long hair is for sissies. Not sure. His trailer looks like it was abandoned 10 years prior. I am convinced there are the corpses of dead raccoon in it and they couldn't afford to lease one for the film.

After handing off the divorce papers for his ex-wife and her goofball redneck, our protagonist accidentally runs over a girl? Smooth move there. The girl jumps up and injects him with some sort of drug, warns him off about Karel will kill him to get what she has given him, bolts for the thick underbrush to be abushed by 4 scrawny looking guys with guns. What is Quinn to do? Other than pants them all, give them rope burns and make them cry.

Our movie drags for 17 minutes and then out of nowhere the vampire "chicks" with chainsaws just attack. Screw having the strength to punch through walls, best dice them up with with a McCulloch! A brand they couldn't afford again. Most of these chainsaws look like hedge trimmers. A vixen with bad highlights and for some reason in vinyl and pleather attacks our "hero" with several punches and kicks but doesn't gut him with...hmm maybe a CHAINSAW??!!!! Trailing down our doofus takes over 15 minutes and this damn narrative is back, capturing him are four scantily clad vampires lead by Karel (Jenna Lisonbee of Take a Chance, Vampire Chicks with Chainsaws, CTU: Provo and 1900 Joe). Around of being a punching bag for another 5 minutes, Quinn figures out they do not want him for a booty call. The gist is warring factions of the Chainsaw Chippies vs the Outlanders (Insert Children of the Corn joke) have been preying on each other for centuries blah blah Underworld did it better and apparently whatever the girl injected into Quinn can actually dispatch vampires forever...and yeah I was bored out of my skull for 93 minutes.
Sorry sexist pig folk, no nudity and the gore scenes are ratcheted down...guessing they didn't have the skill set, jump cuts or knew how to make proper fake blood. Karo and black food dye!!!
So if you like aliens, vampire girls and bald headed doofs, have at this stink nugget. You can probably find it on Youtube for a tooter and a titter.

There can be only one, Josie!