Saturday, February 13, 2016

Turkish Spider-Man a.k.a. Three Giant Men

Heya folks, Rotten Reelz Reviews making a late appearance...again. Quick question, what do you get when you combine the star spangled avenger Captain America and what appears to be Samson the silvermask doing battle with a merciless, ruthless Spider-Man??? Well you get a confused as hell writer who thought this is such an obscure movie that it deserves a look-see. Yes, hailing from Turkey, imported to Chicken and served up on a bed of rice comes the film that...well maybe a handful of movie critics have debated about. This is 3 dev adam a.k.a. 3 Mighty Men a.k.a. Three Giant Men a.k.a. Captain America and Santo vs. Spider-Man.

Hmm, Spidey is looking a bit dumpy.

"What in the sam scratch is goin' on??!!" You may be asking yourself and me. Well simmer down and I will endeavor to explain. You see gentle readers, Turkey is known from the 70's and 80's to create knock off movies of popular American titles such as Star Wars, Rambo and even and I kid you not, I Spit on Your Grave. Their governmental censorship is so harsh that movies and TV show depicting nudity, smoking, drug use or even having some booze is always blurred to avoid obscene fines. Hell they can barely use the word gay and have to fall back on marginal. That being said, not all of our movies translate well or again too risque so they have cranked out a few cheapies at the ready for what makes for some interesting viewing if not great MST3K riffing.

Our story takes place in Istanbul where counterfeit dollars are being minted at the behest of Spider-Man (Teyfik Sen of Three Giant Men and Ugly World) and his nefarious Spider's gang...hmm lacks punch doesn't it? Web of Minions? Wall Crawling Weirdies?? Anywho, Spider-Man and his Infamous Friends smuggle artifacts from Turkey to the US of A to dealers and handles payoffs with the phony lettuce, see? J. Jonah Jameson was right, Spider-Man is a menace. Captain America (Aytekin Akkaya of The Dead Don't Talk, Three Giant Men, Yor, the Hunter from the Future and The Ark of the Sun God) is such the hero that his girlfriend infiltrates the Spider's gang and apparently he is completely cool with this. Y'know, it's just one of those things women do... join a den of thieves and murderers.

Hmm, my Tamagotchi died...again.

Moving on, Non-Agent Carter is getting the goods of Spider's gang when she is discovered. Captain America sans shield (the shield would have cost at least 200 bucks) and Santo (Yavuz Selekman of Tarzan the Mighty Man, The Legend of Ararat Mountain and Battal Gazi'nin Oglu) must manuever into Istanbul and break up the gang before any happens to girl whose name NEVER COMES UP. Seriously, they never give her name well enough and I am running on sub-titles here that have probably been poorly translated. And Cap needs a beefy Mexican wrestler to aid him in his time of need? Was Hulk, Thor, Wonder Man, Iron Man and hell even Moon Knight all busy??!!! The Beast was unclogging the drain that day?? The Vision got his with a DNSunlocker virus??!!!

Will Cap and Santo be able to thwart Spider-Man's plans??!!! Will JJ write a scathing editorial??

Folks, this is one of those flicks that you gawk at with your jaw agape and your mind confused. With a lot of the Turkish movies...editing isn't really an issue. Music scores with fade out in films, but in these they just stop dead. Stinger scores or dramatic music can go off and there is nothing dramatic going on. Entire scenes will have dialogue and then poof, piss poor translation to next scene so continuity feels like it went out the frickin window. Our movie is ideal for having a laugh around the living room or a college dorm drinking game. There is a degree of violence in it but nothing so stomach churning you wouldn't see in a TV show in the last 50 years. I think Chuck Connors' Branded or The Virginian is deemed more violent.

Yeesh, they went below budget for Civil War.