Monday, August 15, 2016

Knockoff Week: Robo Vampire

Well hello everyone, the week is upon us and we have a theme already. I know you all enjoyed the Bloodsucker sequels last week. This time around we are looking at knock off movies. The popular films of the states clearly need something, sorta kinda near equivalence of the same film. So the best way to appreciate a blockbuster is the imitation is which as we all know is the most sincere form of flattery. So what is the best why combine Robocop with a necromancer that creates vampires?? What? Is that not a thing??? You sure??? This is Robo Vampire.

Well, we spray painted the hand bags silver so Robo Warrior away!

So our misleading title is not compromised of a cybernetic vampire that kicks ass for the lord...although I might start writing that instead of this review. Okay, bye!!

Yeah I am just messing with you. Our opus opens with two pseudo guards holding a guy at gunpoint. They open some crates and are startled by snakes. Oh why did it have to be snakes??
Our calamity guards waste about 12 rounds to deal with the snakes and I really hope they are rubber but as this is an infamous Godfrey Ho movie, nah they smoked real ones would be my guess.

Who is Godfrey Ho? Well I have not covered this particular "director" extensively so I will give you the high lights. With no less than 132 titles under his belt, Godfrey Ho is known as the cut and paste director taking films that were never finished or simply not released and then splice them in with either a ninja, a commando or a zombie theme in there. Yeah two separate movies are now seamlessly blended together to make a film. Plot A and B always mesh with the newer film upchucking a collection of dialogue that is supposed to make the audience believe that the continuous exposition with sum up all the action you saw prior. SPOILER ALERT! It never does.

Those bastards know I need a protein rinse!

Narcotics agent Tom Wilde (probably cousin to Ted Fast of the Gigantic Serpent) is the best there is. An elite warrior in this modern day. An expert in melee, firearms and hand to hand of course he dies. The End. Oh right, I forgot. They rebuild him stronger, faster and better than he was. With what looks like an outfit consisting of pleather bags hastily sewn together. Unlike superior cyborgs, Wilde 2.0 is equipped not with a 9mm burst set SMG pistol but in fact a flamethrower. You almost immediately get the vibe there was no real supervisors with this. DUCK!

What I have learned about Chinese vampires thus far is they have no fangs, look like juicy and bubbled and they bound at their prey like they enjoyed Frogger. About as terrifying as an ingrown toe nail. I am officially annoyed in a minute twenty eight. No, I am not being silly or sarcastic. A heavy belt or box fed M-60 has been relegated to being semi-auto, bouncing vampire and our "soldiers" are wearing Converse sneakers instead of even Vietnam jungle boots!!!!! Granted Converse is cool but I am not sure they wanted their product plugged in a Godfrey Ho movie. A syndicate is moving bodies instead of heroin which pays better I guess. I don't know. I have lost all feeling in my front lobe and I am on just brain stem right this moment. Oh I see now, it is offloading vampires and heroin to your competitors to fang them all, take the money and keep the drugs! Brilliant!

RoboTom joins forces with another agent Sophie to thwart vampire necromancer Italian villain played by Italian Master of Manos: The Hands of Fate as he hatches the evil scam to train vampires to thwart their every move! Brilliant! I see no holes in this diabolical scheme! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Then I will unleash my army of gigantic mutated vicious hamsters to devour their crops!!! Okay I made up the hamsters but seriously the henchmen look shocked they still work for this lunatic.

So if you need a drinking game crappy themed movie knockoff film, then look no further. If you want a movie with choppy editing, bad English dubbing, piss poor blocking so bad you cannot tell who is talking and lines that would stagger most thinking beings, oh you're in luck. Thankfully this turd waffle is only an hour and 24 minutes but you will swear to your deity of choice that it was much longer and far more grueling than even a Twilight twinklefest movie.

Looks like a hybrid of Gene Simmons and Lee Van Cleef.