Indiana Jones Week: Indiana Jones: Attack of the Hawkmen

Well folks it is Day 4 of Indiana Jones Week and I bet you are all expecting the most talked about, sneered at and ridiculed Indy film: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull... Well... I hate to disappoint you I thought I would tackle a few of my favorite Young Indiana Jones TV films.
Yeah I know it sounds like I am cheating and avoiding reviewing said movie, but what can I say that has not already been covered?   Journey with me during World War I, where Indy takes the false name of Henri Defense and is enlisted in the Belgian Army.   This is Indiana Jones: Attack of the Hawkmen.

Sacre bleu!! Who beefed??!!

Indiana Jones: It's from Richthofen
Hobie: How do you know?
Indiana Jones: I had spoils with him.




After his unit almost completely died from Malaria in Uganda Africa, Indy and his men had the Gods smile upon them saved by Dr. Albert Schweitzer.  Giving Indy a completely different perspective of the war, Jones (Sean Patrick Flannery of Kingdom Come, Raging Angels, Powder, Suicide Kings, The Boondock Saints and The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones: Travels with Father) and his buddy Remy (Ronny Coutteure of Hiver 60, Bachou, Carnaval, Blueberry Hill and Arlette) are whisked to Belgian Intelligence work... for the next few months it is immensely boring.

Take that, Snoopy!

Indy gets the brilliant idea to fake papers to get them into the thick of the war with French Intelligence.  As luck would have it, both men are accepted.  Remy is owner of a cafe allowing for contact information to gather to and fro while Indy joins reconnaissance photography, a position with a fairly high death toll.   While taking pictures he and his pilot are shot down by German flying ace Baron Von Richthofen (Marc Warren of Agatha Christie's Marple, Green Street Hooligans, Land of the Blind, Doctor Who, Hogfather and Dracula) The Red Baron! Get Snoopy!  Has Indy's luck ran completely out and will he be tortured by the Kaiser??   Will he be forced to eat Blood sausage and everything will be boiled??!!!

I had just a few comments to make on this film at this time.   As with many of the Lucas and Speilberg projects the famous Foley sound effect the Wilhelm Scream (originated stock sound from Sheb Wooley for Distant Drums)  at least 3 different variants of it was used in this picture.  This was Jon Pertwee's last picture done before his untimely demise in 1996 as a German general for the unveiling of the Zeppelin.   Sean Patrick Flannery is found for saying his time as Indy was unusual.  He auditioned, got called back for another read and then proceeded to not go home for 6 years.

Ve have vays of making you reverse ze polarity of ze neutron flow!

Post Apocalypse Week: Things to Come

Howdy all and welcome to the end of the world as you know it.  Day 1 of Post Apocalypse Week and I thought I would start us off right with some H.G. Wells of a different standing.  As many of you are no doubt aware of The Time Machine and War of the Worlds, our gentleman story crafter gave us a short story that should given us pause.  In 1933, Wells published a short story describing social and political forces and all the possibilities they ensue.  The title is The Shape of Things to Come, which many believe this is less a story and more of a discussion for many to delve into. The impact it had on the world screamed for it to be put upon the big screen so director William Cameron Menzies (The Iron Mask, Alibi, Puttin' on the Ritz, Our Town, The Devil and Miss Jones, Duel in the Sun and Invaders from Mars) took the reins of this wild horse and did his level best.  This is Things to Come.

Alright, one more present and then the war simply must start.

Roxana: I don't suppose any man has ever understood any woman since the beginning of things, You don't understand our spoilers.





Hailing from Denham Studios our movie opens with the impeding threat of global war during of all times, Christmas Day a successful businessman John Cabal (Raymond Massey of The Speckled Band, The Prisoner of Zenda, Arsneic and Old Lace, East of Eden, Seven Angry Men and Dr. Kildare) queries to himself and his guests of what is to become of their city "Everytown" if and when this war reaches them.  His naive friend Passworthy (Edward Chapman of Murder, The October Man, The Spider and the Fly, His Excellency and X: The Unknown) assures him with technological marvels excelling as they do, the social conscious will rise with it.

A dissolve later we see Cabal in a biplane shooting down an enemy bomber, land and pull that bomber from the wreckage.  They both reflect on the madness that is war while conversing through gas masks when they see a little girl running around the dilapidated streets telling them they are done for anyway as it was so matter of fact.    Cabal takes the girl to safety in his plane as he wonders what is to become of Man's civilization.
Decades past as the war continues to wage on that even the survivors have no idea why they are fighting and who is the enemy anymore. The world ends up in a new Dark Age.  With cities and towns in ruins and little to no technology to be found aside from a scant amount of firearms to continue the killing.

That was me. Sorry little girl.

By 1966, a plague is introduced by some unknown enemy using the last remnants of aircraft to spread this gas about.  Dr. Harding (Maurice Braddell of Master and Man, Men of Tomorrow, Flesh and Women in Revolt) struggles desperately to find a cure to save what is left of humanity in order to rebuild and start over but with little equipement to harness a vacine is found dead.

By 1970, a despotic ruler calling himself the Boss (Ralph Richardson of The Avengers, Richard III, The 300 Spartans, Rollerball, Watership Down and Time Bandits) reigns over most of Southern England and has ceased the plague by shooting those infected.   This tyrant was a little man that came to power simply by being in the right place and time as so many conquerors.

This film brings about some of our worst fears to light.  The Luddites against progress to those that are enslaved to technology.  From warring nations to the Big Brother mentality that is sweeping the planet.  It portrays the best and worst of humanity in every conceivable way and frankly was an audacious piece of work for its time and holds true to our time.

But the Morlocks come out at night good sir!

Kung Fu Theater: Shaolin Temple

Welcome back to Kung Fu Theater Week: Double Feature Day and we finish off the week with the first starring role of Jet Li (Born to Defense, The Master, Once Upon a Time in China, The Legend of the Swordsman, Black Mask, Hero and The Expendables) from the director Hsin-yan Chang (Treasure Island, Hong ying dao, Tong tian lin ji, Yellow River Fighter and Tai Chi II) brings a tale of honor, love, loss and redemption. 

Monks performing the poopy dance.

Shaolin must uphold the principles that all spoilers believe in.

We open in wide angle shots around the Temple seeing these beautiful wall paintings, these gorgeous trees, well-maintained gardens, shrines, immense gates and statues of Buddha and the Gods to be held.

All the monks have knelt before the Abbot of the Shaolin and in the middle is a young shaven-headed man in a blue robe awaiting to be accepted to the temple.  The Abbot explains he’s expected to adhere to a life of ceremony, self respect and respect of others and a purification of body and soul.  The Abbot asks him for his name to which he says Jue Yuan and the Abbot tells him to be allowed into the temple he must never commit murder.   Can he obey this and the film fades to a flashback of a warlord Wang Shichongkilling an old man and tossing him off a high wall and down in the dregs of a muddy river and then just whip his head back at the slaves to get back to work; these poor slaves are literally being worked to death, toiling in the mud among corpses of their fellow comrades while soldiers whip them.

The Dogs of War are very cross!

China is divided into factions once again at the end of Siu Dynasty and this wretched monster of a man calls himself Emperor Chang now and he enslaved captured warriors to complete his defenses.

Jue pledges that one day he will end the life of this cruel Emperor after he kills Jue’s father and thus free China from this reign of terror and bring about a new age of prosperity and order.  Thoroughly beaten by the Emperor, Jue still manages to escape and is saved by the Shaolin Temple.   Through this his teacher Sifu and his existing Kung Fu training he proves to be an exceptional fighter but damn near kills a sparring partner focusing his rage on a vision of the Emperor.  With this he flees the temple and attempts to kill the Emperor yet again.  Forgiven of his impulses of youth the temple allows him back and he spends the next year honing his skills to become adept in the Northern Shaolin Kung Fu. 

A refugee Li Shimin flees to the temple being chased by the sadistic Emperor and his men and with the help of the feint the Abbot and fellow monks Jue and Li attempt to escape the countryside only to be surrounded by the Emperor’s vicious soldiers but Sifu and several of the monks aid Jue in his time of need.

Similar to The 36^th Chambers of Shaolin this story covers depictions of honor against the unjust, a need for protectors to become more than they were and a time when killing is a necessity.   The fight sequences are amazing and the training courses look grueling to say the least but the story progresses beyond just the next fight and with a guanine tale of triumph, tragedy and tempered discipline.

BOOT TO THE HEAD!

Kung Fu Theater Week!

Welcome boys and girls to Kung Fu Theater Week!  This week I will tackle the genre of Martial Arts Movies or affectionately referred as Kung Fu and Ninja movies.  This particular craze starts in the 1960’s up the 1980’s and the Americans got to experience these splendid films from the lazy bijous, the drive-in theater  to cable television, we saw these films with either English subtitles or voice dubbing which does take away a lot of the dialogue but the essence of the film is still there.

Hikibah!!!

Western civilization got to appreciate Eastern philosophy, discipline and ways of life but brings everything that we already have to our own story lines.  Warriors combating barbarians, wizards against sorcerers and good versus evil these films cover the current timeline and fantasy based with monsters and men aplenty.   Admittedly there are more than a few very violent films or having disturbing content to them and frankly they are considered Grind house movies but most are gems that get overlooked so this week I shall comprise a collection of favorites and cult beloved.

Ridley Scott Week: The Duellists

Our Ridley Scott week continues on with of all things a time period piece.  Yeah talk about out of his realm.  That alone should be worth the view am I right?  Get yourself some popcorn and a soft drink and let’s settle down.  This is The Duellists.

Engarde spoilers!!

Director Ridley Scott is better known for science fiction or action based films this really was a rare treat for him to tackle a foreign war tale of notoriety by novelist and script writer Joseph Conrad (Sabotage, Victory, Outcast of the Islands, Face to Face, The Secret Agent and Apocalypse Now) scrolls the story during the Napoleonic Age, this feature length film was Ridley Scott’s first movie he helmed.

This film feels influenced by Stanley Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon in both style and cinematography brings a tale of hatred, angst and jealousy through a war torn time.   Based on the short story The Duel ; the story opens in Strasbourg in 1800 with Lieutenant Gabriel Feraud of the 7^th Hussars (Harvey Keitel of Reservoir Dogs, Dusk ‘Til Dawn, Pulp Fiction, Bad Lieutenant, Thelma & Louise, The Piano, Red Dragon and National Treasure) , an obsessed duelist nearly kills a nephew of the city’s mayor in a duel.  Getting squeezed politically by the mayor, Brigadier-General Treillard  (Robert Stephens of Romeo and Juliet, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes and Empire of the Sun) sends Lieutenant Armand d’Hubert of the 3^rd Hussars (Keith Carradine ofNashville, Southern Comfort, 2 Days in the Valley, Dead Man’s Walk, Wild Bill, Deadwood and Dexter) to put him under house arrest pending charges. 

The arrest of course took place at the house of a very prominent local lady and Feraud took this as an insult from d’Hubert and challenges him to a duel.   d’ Hubert manages to render him unconscious.  The war rages on around the men’s quarrel and they don’t encounter each other for six months in Augsburg,  Feraud  demands another duel of d’Hubert and wounds him severely.   Feraud recovers and takes lesson from a true swords master, making their next duel exhausting and a draw.   d’Hubert takes comfort in being promoted to Captain and thus forbidding him engage in further duels with an officer of different ranks.    1806 we see that d’Hubert two weeks from promotion to major when he once again encounters Feraud and the duel is now on horseback as each executes blades drawn exquisitely.

What makes this film so fascinating is this point of struggle during the Hundred Days war, the defeat at Waterloo and marking the 30 Years war as nothing more than background.  It shows how the country is suffering and you almost feel the absurdity of the obsessive need for dueling during a time when there should be unification.  It was a clever backdrop and truly captures the time and essence of this piece and I feel it was beautifully executed.   This is but the beginning for our humble director and I feel makes up for Prometheus.

No power in the verse can stop me...

Okay readers I am back again with another TV series that went well before its time but nevertheless receive the love from yours truly.  I need you to sit back in your seat, put your tray tables in their up lock position.  This is Firefly.

Gorrahm spoilers in my space…

Show creator Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Dollhouse and The Avengers) embarked on a TV quest to make the encompass of both past and future and prep it for the present folk kick back and enjoy.  Firefly was in essence Wagon Train in Space.  Put on the air in 2002 (Yes 10 years ago…ooOoOoO ancient.) The Earth as we knew it grew full of Homo sapiens and we began colonization into other worlds such as terraforming (creating an environment artificially for oxygen and nitrogen atmosphere for human life) and the more “civilized planets or core worlds as they were called are part of a large conglomerate of civic minded citizens called the Alliance.  The planets that had more of a rustic nature, almost a throwback to Steam Age were simple known as Independents. Hard working people that had no desire of joining a universal government that told them how to live their lives instigated a civil war spanning across the universe and all neighboring planets.    After many years of this conflict the Alliance won and the Independents were crushed. 

 Enter a band of thieves and smugglers sneaking contraband on the down low is the crew of the Serenity, firefly class cargo vessel.  Captain Malcolm Reynolds (Nathan FIllion of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Miss Match, Slither, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along and Castle), First mate Zoe (Gina Torres of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Cleopatra 2525, Angel and Suits), gunfighter Jayne Cobb (Adam Baldwin of Independence Day, Stargate SG-1, Angel, The Inside and Chuck), goofy but amazing pilot Hoban ’Wash’ Washburne (Alan Tudyk of A Knight’s Tale, I, Robot, Ice Age, Young Justice and Tucker and Dale vs Evil) and sweet, innocent mechanic Kaylee (Jewel Staite of Flash Forward, Just Deal, Wonderfalls and Stargate Atlantis). Barely escaping Alliance custody with their ill-gotten gains; the crew is underpaid, tired and ship is running on fumes.  The scams, hustles and usual snow jobs pay better than honest cargo hauling but are just as equally risky.  The crew has no option but to pick up passengers that want to see the galaxy for a reasonable fee.

Upon getting new passengers we see a loosely based member of the crew, companion Inara Serra (Morena Baccarin of Justice League Unlimited, Stargate SG-1, V, Homeland and Old Days) a lady of refinement but also of solicitation.   The good but enigmatic Shepherd Book (Ron Glassof Barney Miller, The New Odd Couple, Rhythm & Blues and Teen Angel) Doctor Simon Tam (Sean Maher of Party of Five, The $treet, The Playboy Club and Make It or Break it) has smuggled his brilliant sister, River Tam (Summer Glau of Angel, The 4400, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Dollhouse, The Cape and Alphas) away from an Alliance secret project so this just increases the stakes.

Whedon and crew referred to Serenity as the 10^th character of the show and in many ways this massive set fits the bill.  Dirty, rusty and falling apart, this old girl has plenty of charisma but looks like a mild popcorn fart would tear it to shreds.  Yet as a vessel this was really a home for lost souls seeking a sense of belonging and peace.    But out on the rim lurks pirates, slavers and the worse of all, reavers.  Men and women had gone cannibalistic.  So keep a hogleg handy, yer wits about you and you’ll make it through the day.  Oh best part of this storyline is the mixture of American and Chinese culture.  Even if you have the IQ of a nerf herder you can speak Mandarin. 

Life in Fallout 3

Hey folks sorry for last week's lack of blog.  I was quite ill. I hope this will make up for it.

Now being a Fallout RPG turn based fan I was skeptical but Fallout 3 turned out to follow Fallout 2 (1997 and 1998 sequel to the original) in the same standing of being open ended with no time limit to speak of.  10 years had passed since Fallout 2 and we were promised by Interplay then Black Isle that we would see a Fallout 3.  Finally after buying the rights Bethesda Softworks brought us our FPS/skill-based/post-apocalyptic dream come true.   Rather than be in California as the two predecessors were, this takes place in the heart of democracy Washington D.C.  After 2077 it is now referred as the Capital Wasteland.  Our great monuments have collapsed, roads and freeways are devastated and no government or police are in control.  Might makes right. 

We start off the game with a series of cut scenes from your character’s birth and growing up in Vault 101.  An underground fallout shelter that is capable of housing 1,000 people.    I should note no matter your sex or skin color your father James is still white and voiced by none other than (Liam Neeson of Darkman, Love Actually, The Phantom Menace and Schindler’s List)  James is a scientist who believes in helping his fellow humanity as best as he can.   As you age you learn more about your relationship with your father and life in Vault 101.   Your mother dies delivering you in childbirth so you are raised solely by your father.  You grow up in spurts through cut scenes, little whispers throughout each aging process hints to events of the past and the present day.   James tells you as an infant a bible passage that reflects his life’s work in trying to better humanity.   At age ten you receive your own Pip-boy 3000.  This arm band computer interfaces with radio signals, tells you your health, points out radiation in your area and inventories your supplies you pick up during the game.   At age 16 you take your Generalized Occupation Aptitude Test or G.O.A.T. to help sum up what career you are best suited for in Vault life. You of course try to weasel your way out of it by faking a cold.  Best of luck with that when your father is the Vault’s chief physician.

 After breaking up a squabble or joining in on it, you take your test and proceed on to Age 19, to be awaken by your friend Amata to discover your father somehow left the Vault and the Overseer is furious.  The chief of the guards beat your father’s assistant Jonas to death.  A man you have known and respected your whole life.  You must choose to escape or be dealt the same.  Fending off radiation enlarged cockroaches and some of the vault security.   Save the ammo folks.  The ball bat does a pretty good job of defending yourself and it is, kill or be killed scenario. You make your way to and out of confides of the home you have known since you were a boy/girl and out into the unknown with nothing more than what you took with you.  Vault 101 is up the hill from a shambled town known as Springvale.  One lone resident silver is hiding out from a neighboring town called Megaton.   You will have to probe her for answers if you care to know.  Or be a brute, kill her and take everything she owns.   An elementary school is not far from Silver’s place is crawling with raiders.  If you are lacking in firepower or armor, my advice is get stocked before waging a fight with these lot.

Wandering out into the wasteland you will encounter raiders that prey on the helpless, Ghouls and Super Mutants, creatures that were once human now mindless monsters that terrorize the surrounding towns.     Meeting pockets of humanity and their plights it is up to you what sort of a person you are going to be.  Will you be a decent compassionate man/woman?   Will you turn into a heartless monster with no cares except your own interests?   Will you be passive to some and help to others that can pay you a wage?   The choice is yours.  Are you to be the savior the Capitol Wasteland or its destructor?   Will you be a hero or villain?  Only you can answer that.     The graphics engine that Bethesda Software developed is phenomenal.   The background, the colors from rusted metal to the rising and setting sun this game was awarded Game of the Year in 2008 and people are still raving about it and recommending it to friends.   Its Vault-Tec Assisted Targeting System or V.A.T.S. for short allows characters to train their weapons melee or firearms alike at points of vulnerability.  Ideal for the sniper character or if you just simply think it will take out your target faster.   An amazing voice cast with Liam Neeson and Malcom McDowell to name a few.  Sound captures the imagination so well.  Different outfits and armor can change the pitch of what shoes or boots you are wearing.  Guns and rifles are not a universal lumped effect GOTY allows modifications on everything from characters and armor to the quests and weapons.  I have also been able to play the PS3 console based game and the controls are a bit sensitive but you soon develop a rhythm.  

  A word of warning for those photophobic or seizure prone:  This is a real-time fasted paced game.  There will be a quick pitch in combat especially in V.A.T.S. as you see your character shoot, slash or bash your targets and it could very well be jaunting so my advice is to skip it if you suffer from either affliction.  That being said from the rest of you who are Fallout fans, DO NOT let this one slip through your fingers and enjoys the in-depth story arc and game.

Gem of the Month- Sundown: Vampire in Retreat

What do you get when you combine vampires, substitute for blood and Utah?   Well here’s a hint: Not True Blood.   No, this is Sundown: Vampire in Retreat by Director Anthony Hickox (Waxwork, Waxwork II and Warlock the Armageddon) and written by John Burgess.  Deep in the heart of…okay not Dixie but Utah exist a town called Purgatory.  A town filled with incredibly pale people that are covered from the sunshine with parasols and large brimmed hats.   This town of vampires has rejected the ways of the night and preying on the innocent is lead by master vampire Count Mardulak (John Carradine of Kung-Fu).  The town has a processing plant that is making an artificial blood to curb the need to feed but it breaks down and only one man can repair or refurbish parts for it.  Enter the Harrison Family.  John (Jim Metzler L.A. Confidential and Bad City Blues) brings wife Sarah (Morgan Brittany of Love Boat and Dallas) and their two kids to this remote and isolated town where neither of them is the wiser to this odd little bit of Americana.   Seriously they are so thick you could clock them in the coconut and it might not register until a day or two later.  On the trail of Count Mardulak is fearless vampire hunter Robert Van Helsing (Bruce Campbell of Evil Dead, Spiderman and Burn Notice) determined to end the evil that is a bloodsucker only to be smitten by lovely vampire Sandy (Deborah Foreman of Valley Girl and Waxwork) John’s former rival for Sarah’s affection Shane (Maxwell Caulfield of Waxwork II and Empire Records) who happens to be the town’s chief engineer but he needs John’s expertise.

  

  The Harrisons’ little girls note the townsfolk seem a bit different and are clued in that there are two factions of vampires.  One attempting to repent and the other is return to the old ways.   The Count attempts to maintain the peace while his right hand man Ethan Jefferson (John Ireland of Gunslinger and Waxwork II) tells vampires that they have nothing to feel guilty about and they should revel in their powers.   How does one solve those differences?  Why with a shoot out of course.   This film combines comedy, horror and western all in one unusual package.   My favorite thing about this film is the three brothers Milt (Bert Remsen of The Bodyguard and McCabe and Mrs. Miller) Merle (Sunshine Parker of Tremors  and Roadhouse) Mort (M Emmet Walsh of The Flash, Bladerunner and Chasing 3000) Bisby.  They all run this tiny gas station and look like they are just a gnat’s wing flap away from brutalizing humans.  Mort knocks the head off of this coked up jackass for being rude and abusive.   The two campers were really unnecessary characters as a whole.

Admittedly the film did seem like there was filler thrown in and John Carradine’s performance did seem a little off (methinks drinking days still), and sure he and Bruce were hardly in any of the scenes but dammit it was a fun movie.   The movie finishes off at 104 minutes and while it dragged a bit you got the scope of what the director was trying for. I ask you to find me a vampire story with conflict, romance and gunfight worthy of the OK corral and in general, an amazing cast.   A lot of tongue in cheek humor combined with a potential love triangle story line sprinkled with some rivalry and a few odd gore effects and you have a fairly decent film.  

Blood Wars: A High School Production

Blood Wars

SPOILERS A PLENTY

Well I am back and with yet another vampire movie with Jason Connery, son of Sir Sean Connery.  I bet if they crank out a third vampire film with this yahoo we can create our own subgenre in vampire films.  Connery Fangs!!!   Well this brilliant piece of tripe is called The Thirst: Blood War a.k.a. The Thirst a.k.a. Blood Wars.   Hey distribution!  Pick a title and stick with it!    OooOoO POV shots on a scale model and into our feature.  Can’t tell if it is that or CGI.   Handheld HD DVD mini-cam strikes again.  Brotherhood of Blood flashback!   Good God does no one shoot on 35MM anymore?  Hell even 35MM HD would be fine as well but I guess it wasn’t in the budget.   Next complaint is under cranking the footage so it flies around like a crazed vampire bat of yesteryear and killing epileptics left and right.  Great dizzy and annoyed I start this flick off on the wrong foot.

Our film revolves around a hippy college student named Will (A.J. Draven of Spec Ops) who simply bumbles with the female student body because he is a doofus. His roommate/buddy Rico not so Suave (Owiso Odera of Dirt and Three Rivers) proceed to chat up a couple of girls Jayne and Ashley (Allison Lange of Gacy and Christina’s House and Rini Bell of Gilmore Girls and Bring It On)  all the while illuming to the lost of several collegiate members over the past few days.   I mean it’s not even mid terms so the atypical fleeing and suicides shouldn’t be happening just yet.

  The coven meeting between the witches and vampires is amusing for the fact that Tony Todd (Hatchet and Hatchet 2) is miked but his lackey Claudius (Jason Connery of Brotherhood of Blood) isn’t and he sounds like he is projecting for a high school play.  He struts and rants a few moments before he is put in his place by Todd then he just plops down amongst three or four undead hunnies.  Hmm maybe he is a chip off the old block after all.  Get this man some roles of caliber dammit.     Apparently there exists in this universe a type of Warlock.  No not Julian Sands.  A warlock called a sentry and they can defeat vampires.   A slight distraction from this episodic masterpiece is two rednecks with beer and a shotgun.  Shenanigans away!   C.Thomas Howell (Kindred, Outsiders and the Hitcher) and Mark Holton (Leprechaun and Pee Wee’s Big Adventure) are two Billy Bob’s short of a KKK rally head into the woods looking to shoot a cougar only to get snacked on by a couple of rookie vamps.  ENTER THE SENTRIES!!!  Our “Warlocks” slay the vampires in their stylish gunny sack robes.   First off let’s just take a look at the word Warlock.  Last I recall they are practitioners of black magic. Perhaps sorcerer would have worked or say wizard.  Apparently the Sentries and Vampires have a long standing rivalry so yeah no real heroes in this.  We have more back story about how the Sentries and Vampires have been going at it I felt like I was attending a history lecture.  Who can say offhand?   Our writer may have just done a handful of horse tranquilizers and slaved away at the keyboard.   Oh sorry I forgot.  Our creative muse inspired bringer of pain is Ramesh Thandani.  This was his first script followed by Operation Midnight Climax.   With this insight you can see what a treat you are in for.    Back to our wacky sophomores Rico and Will are playing what looks like Left4Dead 2 and Rico fades out after his victory dance.   Will stumbles through his explanation that he is cool with Jayne and likes her boobies.  Okay maybe not that bad but my God this boy needs some lessons in dealing with the opposite sex.   The two are back at his dorm for some action but low and behold a fade so no sex scene for you kids.    So our wacky young lad encounters some weird eroticism vampire dreamscape after he is bitten.  

Let’s give you all, the abridged version.   Ahem.   The fight scenes could have benefited from a stunt coordinator.   I mean it looks like a pre-teen schoolyard squabble in most.   Tony Todd has a very commanding performance that is simply wasted on this film.  Jason Connery was excellent as the impatient vampire to ascend to the throne if you will.  America Olivo, who I felt was seductive but the performance seemed hasty and her lines felt forced.   A.J. Draven and let us spare his feelings appeared to be out of his depth in playing a complex character such as a newly turned vampire struggling to keep his humanity and not give into the dark pleasures of the night.   Hell Denzel Washington would have had some issues with that and that cat is dynamite on the screen.  Also would have been a trifle bit difficult to envision Denzel Washington as a college student now.   Bottom line is this film tried to push where their time constraints and lack of budget and frankly just did not cut the mustard.   You have a potentially decent flick if more time was taken with it.  Maybe with new edits or re-shoots with A.J. and tell him to emote dammit.    Suffice to say this vampire film sucked after many fashions.