Valentine Week: Valentine

Day 3 of the madness that is Valentine Week and let me just give you folks a shout out.  I apologize if these blogs are not churning out as quick I normally do but I am devoting most of my attention to my book that I have been working steadily on and hope to get it e-booked soon.   I spare you the details for now but you will recognize its tone and writing rather quickly.  Well our glorious holiday is almost upon us or as most of my single friends like to call it the last of the biggies of the year.  As a single person if you do not throw yourself on your sword or in front of a bus during Christmas, the New Year and Valentine’s Day; you can pretty much handle a zombie apocalypse. 

So instead of that dark note, how about a film that’s trailers made it far too easy for me to figure out who the killer was.   So be a nice girl, don’t pick on the spazzies, gimboids and thickies and be pure of heart…or die horribly.   This is Valentine.

Hummel figurine from Hell!!

Paige Prescott: [sarcastically, to Brian]  You brought me upstairs to show me your spoiler? How sweet!

Our opus opens up with true Slaughter High flashback sequence of a junior high dance in the way back time line of 1988.  I hear those kids actually had to use payphones to call their parents for a ride home.  The dark ages aside, a young bashful lady named Jeremy ask 5 girls to dance separately.  Three just shoot our lad down, one declines politely and another tricks him into dancing with her and then screams sexual assault…because she can.  The boy is humiliated, forced to go to reform school and there will be no Sybil Danning or Wendy O. Williams to show him life’s consequences.  

13 years later, Med student Shelley (Katherine Heigl of Grey’s Anatomy, Knocked Up, The Ugly Truth and Life as We Know It) is practicing on a cadaver when she finds a disturbing Valentine card and is chased about moments later by a tall black clad man in a Cupid mask.  An important safety tip, ladies is to not hide in a body bag.  It is morbid and foreshadow. 

Buffy, I am happier with Bones is all. We can still be friends.

After Shelley’s death her friends of yesteryear all receive an equally disturbing Valentine’s card but no one thinks anything of it because it was never mentioned in the news.   Homicide is funny that way to no give out M.O.s the killer might be hoping the media blabs about.  As the girls’ friend Lily (Jessica Cauffiel of Road Trip, Legally Blonde and White Chicks) gets filled full of arrows by the killer…hey the killer is Oliver Queen!    Pushing ahead the cops are actually treating this murder with a bit more diligence than the last one as it looks like a serial killer may be in the works.   The girls get together and somehow string the theory of a boy they tormented 13 fricking years ago is the culprit.   Folks, to be honest if I could actually tally the amount of people I have irked, annoyed or openly mocked over the years I would be a memory god.

The story is a standard scarred and scared boy that nobody loves vowing revenge on those evil girls and blah blah blah.  The effects are sound, the death scenes though elaborate are convincing more or less but the need for a twist ending became a staple of the beginning of 2001 we have been seeing this duplicated over and over now. 

This is more common for the remake slasher films though to make it more edgy and bloody.  Bloody, yes.  Edgy, nope.   While these films attempt to ratchet up the tension they seem to miss the point which is deliver a film of interest, suspense, thrills and chills. 

Valentine is not by any means a gory film, the level of violence is not over the top and done with a level of discretion.  Still for what was a recycled idea it tried to make people jump out of their seats but relied far too much on jump scares, dramatic pauses in dialogue and conclusions that were on whole, pretty far fetched.   Not a bad film but not exactly wowing me at the same time.

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART!!!!  Must be a Bon Jovi fan.

Valentine Week: My Bloody Valentine

Welcome back my loyal readers to Day 2 of Valentine Week.  Yesterday we had to tackle a less than savory remake of a less than noteworthy 80’s slasher but guess what??  Nothing? Not even gonna try.  Fine, well we are going to endure the original now.  The one of the worst things to hail from Canada this side of Final Sacrifice and Justin Beiber, this film is cheesier than a Quattro formaggio pizza and we get to experience it together.  I know you are counting yourselves lucky in this but hang on.  This is My Bloody Valentine a.k.a. The Secret.

What does cannon fodder mean?

Mayor Hanniger: (reads card out loud) From the spoiler comes a warning, filled with bloody good- cheer, remember what happened as the 14^th draws- near!

Yes there is a mighty large shindig, possibly a hootenanny to happen Valentine’s Day in the mining town of Valentine Bluffs, Nova Scotia…you get the feeling that cable modems, coffee shops and stimulating conversation is a long way away from them… Ahem back to the astounding story,  this will be the first Valentine’s Day party in over 20 years as the crappy flashback sequence will tell you an accident occurred and men because security for the mine was partying as well.   Methane built up and no one there to check the levels so one good spark and BABOOM!   The sole surviving miner Harry Warden (Stuntman/actor Peter Cowper of Oh Heavenly Dog and My Bloody Valentine) had to survive on the meat of his former coworkers or you know, eat a Hot Pocket so better to resort to cannibalism at that point.   A whole year later Harry found his two supervisors, killed them both with a pickaxe, tore their hearts out and left them in Valentine candy boxes as a warning to the town that if another Valentine dance occurs, he will go on a bloody rampage.     Warden is caught and shacked up in the wacko basket so the younger generations deem him nothing more than a ghost story. 

So the town tries to rise from the ashes of this insanity and get their Valentine’s dance groove on.   The Mayor (Larry Reynolds of When Michael Calls, PCU and Blown Away) and Sheriff Jake Newby [I swear I did not just make that name up] (Voice actor Don Francks of Cadillacs and Dinosaurs, Monster Force, X-Men, and Journey to the Center of the Earth) look at a box of chocolates sent to the mayor with a note with poor penmanship and a severed human heart as a warning about the impeding dance.

I sense a dirty cavern joke here somewhere.

Desperate to calm the fears of the Mayor and himself, Newby (snicker) calls the asylum to find out they have no records of Warden, his known whereabouts or what’s become of him… A loony man that butchered his bosses is somehow missing and they didn’t think to call the town and warn ANYBODY??!!!!   In this dinky, little town; the local sheriff has no idea of a get together involving booze, sex and drugs??  Oh, c’mon!   You know all these kids by face and name, man.  You rousted them out of kegger nights and confiscated their pot and you have no clue where they are setting up a drinking and debauchery binder?? They can’t afford a hotel and the owner would just narc on them ASAP so of course the mine!!!  Give me your badge, you chucklehead!!

Frankly I recognized only one cast member and that was Helene Udy because she was a main character on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman as frontier town Colorado Springs’ premier prostitute.  Yes when you date, you get to watch more shows and films than you ever considered viewing in the first place.

Moving along to the technical aspect of the movie, I found the gore effects via blood and prosthetics to be well done.  Researching the FX crew I found a family name that sticks out in FX legend.   I speak of the Burmans.  Ellis, the father cut his teeth in the biz doing Lon Chaney Jr.’s transformation to the Wolf Man.   His brother Thomas is known for his makeup works on Die Hard 2, Grey’s Anatomy and Nip/Tuck.   Thomas’s son Barney is one of the leading TV and Movie SFX makeup artists for shows and films like Star Trek III: Search for Spock, Brain Dead, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Galaxy Quest, Planet of the Apes and Men in Black II.   This is literally the wildest family tradition.   In this household you hear a father say, “The hell you are becoming a doctor!  Now go make realistic vomit and gross out your little sister right now, young man!”

 Last note was the MPAA, made Paramount cut 9 minutes out of the film because it was FAR TOO GRAPHIC!!!   Screen tests proved that people pooped their pants on this so Paramount refused to make an unrated version for DVD viewers.  Lion’s Gate having no qualms about blood splatters or obligatory breast shots bought the rights to the film and released an unrated version of My Bloody Valentine around 2009 to co-inside with the release of the remake.   Smart marketing, fellas.

Billy, you're hurting me!  Billy?

Valentine Week

Hiya campers!  I have returned after the FUBAR that was my computer issue of which is both good and bad news.  Good news is I was able to re-cable my old computer back to working order.  Yeah I know, how did I have an issue with that?  Well truth is, I have not done any computer work and upgrades in 12 years so behind the curve and forgot a fair amount on the internal dynamics that is a computer tower.
Bad news I kept screwing up my cabling in my new tower so I had to ask my Dad to do it.  Yeah I felt like Franklin Richards playing with one of Reed's new inventions, got busted and he had to bail me out. ( Fantastic Four reference so read some comics, people)  Turns out I just misunderstood a connection I should have been doing and Dad got it up and running no sweat.  Apparently it needs a new hard drive though.  Damn, Dad was raised in the right age to work tools better than I.

HONEY, WE JUST NEED SOME COUNCILING!!!

But enough of all that jibber jabber, you folks have Valentine's day around the corner.  A time when some men are convinced lingerie and chocolates make up for you being a total knob around the rest of the year.  It doesn't, fellas.    This overly commercialized holiday makes single men and women feel like they are worth less than nothing if they haven't received a card or some much as an e-mail and I will not stand for it.  So this week we will focus relationships that have gone south.  No, no romantic comedies and see whether or not they will iron out their wacky indiffernces.  I was thinking more a horror themed Valentines so grab your comfort food, lock the doors from impending psychos and grab at least one sharp utensil in case they burst through the door.

"HERE'S JACK!!!" CUT! Dammit Jack, It's Johnny.

Horror of 1970 Week: Count Yorga, Vampire

Welcome back to the madhouse kids for Day 4 of Horror of 1970 Week and say what horror week would be without a good vampire movie and trust me this is nothing like a good vampire movie.   So grab your crosses, snag gallons of holy water and grab a lot of sharp pointy stakes.  This is Count Yorga, Vampire.

I come from your Techicolor Nightmares!!

Count Yorga: Doctor Hayes, what an unexpected spoiler.

Our story opens with my most favorite thing in the world…narration.  Relax; it is not a Uwe Boll film.  A truck is loaded up at the Port of Los Angeles and whisked away to a gated mansion up in the California Hills and its cargo is revealed to be a coffin. BUM BUM BUM!!!!  The hostess of said manor Donna (Donna Anders of Laredo, The Arrangement, Dream No Evil and Werewolves on Wheels) has invited her nearest and dears to a séance in the hopes to contacting her dead mother.  Not exactly certain why she is bothering the dead but maybe there was a typo in the will.  In order to prepare for this séance the party is lead by the unfathomable Count Yorga (Reggie Nalder of Perry Mason, Madhouse, Dr.  Phibes Rises Again, Rapid Assault, Jungle Boy and Dear Santa), a renowned psychic from Bulgaria to perform the channeling but Donna is disturbed during the proceedings and Yorga uses hypnosis calm her nerves.  The party breaks up and Donna’s friends Erica (Judy Lang of Dr. Kildare, The Trip, The Psycho Love and Count Yorga, Vampire) and Paul (Michael Murphy of Manhattan, Batman Returns, The Island, Magnolia, X-Men: The Last Stand and The Bridge) offer to drive the Count home to his own posh mansion.  

Psst. Debbie, can I borrow your conditioner?

Shortly after dropping off Yorga, Paul cannot seem to restart his van outside the mansion (must have ran out of gas. Wink wink) and the two opt to spend the night in the van.  Naturally this leads to diddling each other in the van as Yorga plays spying Torgo outside then attacks them both.  The next day Paul cannot recall their attacker and Erica doesn’t seem to even remember the attack one bit.   Erica visits with her doctor James Hayes (Roger Perry of Arrest and Trial, The Thing with Two Heads, The Elf Who Saved Christmas, Dirty Love and Wreckage) about this mysterious bite marks at her throat.  Unable to proper diagnose the cause of her being listless he notices she is also minus a pint or two and prescribes her a high protein diet and some bed rest.  OMG, that will go right to her hips.   Ahem…moving right along Hayes contacts both Paul and Michael (Michael Macready of Something Evil, Terror House and Rescue from Gilligan’s Island) to hold a pow wow and discuss how this could have occurred when they walk in on Erica having a snack…her pet kitten to be exact.  To add to the wacky Erica threatens to destroy the menfolk but then attempt to seduce Paul before breaking down.   Could vampirism be the key to Erica’s plight and who would be the dastardly monster responsible?

I’ve got just a few more notes on this film.  There are truckloads of nudity and sex scenes due to hypnotism and vampiric nature so this is definitely not for the kiddies.  The film feels rushed and conclusions are made a bit too early but the film attempts to be taken seriously even if you, the viewer find it a bit laughable.   The print I was watching had more lines than a renaissance faire porta-potty stalls after the turkey leg didn’t agree with you.  The police as always with these films are depicted as incompetents and leave our heroes on their own and pacing of the film seems to just vary from slow and steady to a crescendo of action and hand held work.  Good film for the chuckles but not one to log on your horror shelf.

I swear I heard something.

PSA Week: Boys Beware

Welcome back boys and girls and what say we dive right in with the horribly misnomers and misguided ideals in the warnings of pedophilia with the confusion of homosexuality.   What’s that?  You are both shocked and appalled that someone let alone a gathering of people could make such a blunder?  Well baby you ain’t read nothing yet.   So hike out your thumb, look nonthreatening and be alert.  This is Boys Beware.

Yikes Jimmy has Unfortunate Face Syndrome 

Whoa ho ho there Johnny.  That spoiler seems to be up to something.

Created and produced though the Sid Davis Productions, you know the fellow that also brought us the disturbing titles such as: The Dangerous Stranger, Girls Beware, Seduction of the Innocent and Too Tough to Care.    In most of these incidental shorts they do send a message that could put kids on the alert of that random stranger or maybe smoking as a child is not a smart idea but for our fun filled title card of Boys Beware old Sid didn’t bother to get his facts straight.  

Jeepers mister, where's my candy bar?

Little Jimmy didn’t know about that Ralph was sick.  Y’see Ralph is a homosexual.    Okay already I was cringing at this short but mustered through with it.   Apparently in the 1950’s equating homosexual men and child molesters was a common practice of profiling.   One that need be stricken from the record as NOT HOW TO HANDLE THESE SCENARIOS!!!    At 10 minutes and 13 seconds this horrible message points out how to avoid these men from their hairstyles and apparel.    Yes kids all gay men have this Ron Jeremy and John Holmes mustache as well sunglasses and bow ties.   Also if they have a TARDIS stay away as well. 

'Bout time for Hee Haw then the torture dungeon, Johnny.

Throughout the entire film being gay is depicted as a mental illness and I am stunned they didn’t point out how turning to Jesus would have set them on the right path.  Due to their minuscule budget you can see the same car in almost every scenario of which there are three.  I guess they couldn’t even borrow another vehicle for a few shots.   With the cooperation of Inglewood California Police Department and the Inglewood Unified School District this piece of tripe was created.  I just love how the conclusion that gay men are somehow inherently dangers to young boys and our little victim Jimmy claims he was taken to a hotel by one fellow was later arrested and then stuck on probation.  All this said to me was every kid that didn't want to do his schoolwork could easily blame his teacher for the same effect and sully the poor man’s name.

For those of you who are easily offended at this completely tapered view on anything deemed out of what is quote “Normal”, I would point out that simple studies illustrate that 75% of all pedophiles are straight Caucasian males.   Hmm missed that study did you, Sid?  As a straight male I was disgusted at this grossly inaccurate portrayal and blatant hate video.    The irony is the one predator that looked genuinely creepy cruising for young boys was our producer Sid Davis himself.    

Well son, I was raised Catholic so hence my attraction to boys.

Old School Week: Bloody Murder

Old School Week begins and nothing says old school quite like a mindless slasher movie.  Let’s just skim through IMDB and see what we can find, shall we?     Ah here looks like a family delight so pop that jiffy pop, sink down in your cushy couch and prepare for a scare.   This is Bloody Murder.

Comin' for ya, Pooh Bear!

Spoilers come in lots of different forums.  It’s all miserable.

Ah we open our amazing opus with a gaggle of teenagers in a SUV traveling to their summer job as camp counselors at Camp Placid Pines to prep it for the onslaught of bouncy, sugar ridden youngsters who they will be responsible for.   As they ride down they begin their scintillating dialogue that was stolen from every later Friday the 13^th.

Trim you good, hedge!

Seriously they have a ghost story of a kid Trevor Moorhouse whose father was the head counselor and little Trevor constantly tattled on every kid working there if they were slacking, fooling around or partaking in a spiff or a cocktail.   It was said he drowned in the lake years ago but no body was found.   Later on there were tales of kids going there and never coming back.   DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND VAGUELY FAMILIAR????!!!!   

Car trouble??

Following true to form of this tired formula, the kids split off to do their chores and slowly but surely the cast is being methodically killed off by a guy in a jumpsuit with a hockey mask?  However, the fellow in question is very thin; the outfit looks baggy on him and frankly wouldn’t scare a child because he looks like he is cosplaying in the woods.    The local law enforcement is of course inept at doing paperwork let alone dealing with a serial slasher of such awesome cunning and they play a round of red herring with one of the cast.     The premise is simple, the dialogue feels like it was yanked from every low budgeted slasher from the 80’s having Friday the 13^th envy, the acting is more wooden than the plank they should all be walking off and apparently kills rely on tight out of frame focus and about 3 simplistic gore gags.  

The fake blood could have used some black dye in it and they are attempting to make this part ghost story and part suspense even though they did enough exposition to fill a novella.  It was shot on 35mm spherical and shot in stereo and I am guessing that is all the community college was going to let these yahoos use.    Sorry to say it slasher fans but there is next to no violence as it is implied (couldn’t afford effects), very little harsh or suggestive language and absolutely no nudity.  Feels like the kiddie ride at the slasher theme park.

Operator! Quick I need...(LINE!)

The editing was fair and some of the jump cuts as well as scares could have really brought some genuine scares if shot better at night and oh what else…hmm…oh yeah not ask your friends to star in it and bargain for some actual actors.   The scene chewing of too much dialogue and the fact that almost every counselor has someone close dead in their life was absurd and unnecessary.    The potential for a decent film was there and the concept is a solid enough formula but writer John R Stevenson (Bloody Murder and Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp) just overcompensated due to lack of experience.

Obscure Slasher Week: Intruder

Okay folks just need to clarify this review does not reference Roger Corman’s The Intruder.    Far too classy for this week I am afraid. So what do you get when you assist a buddy in your career?  Well you are obligated to do the same so without further adieu let’s get it on.  This is Intruder.

Ohmigod, when did we start serving scruffy white guys?

Spoilers won’t let us be!!!

Writer/director Scott Spiegel (Stryker’s War, Evil Dead II, Hit List, The Rookie and From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money) corralled his Evil Dead alumni for a slasher film of his own choosing  as well as some veteran horror actors and scream queens for this little masterpiece. 

As the local supermarket store is about to close, Jennifer (Elizabeth Cox of Sixteen Candles, The Wraith, Night of the Creeps, The Allnighter and Juarez: Stages of Fear) gets harassed by her psycho ex-boyfriend Craig (David Brynes of Witchcraft 7: Judgment Hour, Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh and The Hamster Wheel).  Sensing her co-worker is in trouble, Linda (Renee Estevez of Heathers, Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers, Die Silence, Touch and Die, Single White Female and Paper Hearts) hits a panic button and her Supermarket Friends Assemble!   The co-owner of said store Bill (Dan Hicks of Evil Dead II, Maniac Cop, Easy Wheels, Darkman, Wishmaster and Spider-Man 2) confronts the little puke and a scuffle ensues.  The rest of the night crew head out to grab Craig for the cops while Jennifer calls them and Craig disappears under the shadow of darkness.  He later in his ultimate wisdom decides to leave a series of innerving calls to the store tormenting Jennifer and the cops basically say they will keep an eye out for him and just be careful.  Yeah no stationed police cruiser or anything, you should just use the buddy system.

Deadlines are murder...see that was a pun...I'll stop now.

 Well the place is locked down for the night and now the daunting time of inventory and let’s face it folks we are clearly in for a night of fun, if fun including gluing your eyelids shut or sitting through a Superfriends marathon then yes it will be fun.  Linda checks out for the night and heading home in time for Family Ties or some such when she is attacked by unknown and unseen assailant.   This leads to a simple stabbing to get the heart rate up, but not overtly graphic this early in the show.  Bill spots someone at the back door and goes to investigate.    Jennifer still wigging out over Craig hides out in the bathroom to regain some modicum of composure.   Good luck with that darlin’, we are in a horror movie remember?

And now just a few observations I have gleamed from this movie.  Spiegel seemed to like Sam Raimi’s Shaky cam effect for running around the store and developed this weird shot of a POV shot through a rotary telephone.  Inspiring notion as well as a bit of dolly track and lots of handheld, the camera work is solid.   

A pound of shrimp for $2.98? SOLD!

The entire film was shot in a grocery store in Bell, California during evenings when the store was closed so as far as sets go they had total autonomy.    Oh and you Bruce Campbell fans will be a little disappointed that Bruce shows up towards the end as a cop of two maybe three lines of dialogue and we never get a close up on him.  He is treated like every state trooper of Friday the 13^th.  Background babble and looking horrified.    Oh and FYI, get the unrated version or you miss all the cool gore gags KNB EFX made.    A very simplistic story and a great throwback to the slasher genre, our film here is a hidden gem of the horror community.