Bloodsuckers

 

Salutations Readers of the Rotten and welcome back to the blog. Now there is a ton of negative reviews on today's movies and some of that is deserved for minor reasons. However, it has some redeeming value due to dialogue choices, creature species names and clear nods to the admired creators. So delving into this Sci-Fi/Horror, I was actually burning a copy for my mom when I realized I never reviewed this film on the blog but for Epinion.com oh so many moons ago. This is Bloodsuckers a.k.a.Vampire Wars a.k.a. Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe.

 

Worse paintball team...ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Personally I like the last title. I just envision Dolph Lundgren as He-Man curb stomping vampires into oblivion. Writer/director/producer Matthew Hastings (Decoys, Panikiller Jane, Eureka, Alphas, The Originals and Shadowhunters) had a vision...um vampires in space. Sort of a Andromeda/Buffy crossover universe. The typical wooden stake, crosses, holy water and whatnot doesn't help at all. Maybe this is Blade crossover. But they seem to be using conventional rounds OF THE FUTURE... Yeah Mossbergs, an M4 with 40mm grenade launcher and metal chromed spikes. Sayth whaaaaat???

So yeah we have a few points to make before we dive right in:

1) The tri-barrel heavy rifle that Roman (Aaron Pearl) is using is from Blade: Trinity. The rifle Patton Oswalt's character shows off to Reynolds, Snipes and Biel's looks at. 2) the interior cockpit, crew quarters and landing plank of our intrepid vampire hunters' ride is the Eureka Maru from Andromeda. They decorated it a bit but Roddenberry fans will immediately recognize this has Captain Valentine's rusted out crap box of the stars. 3) the species of vampires are named after horror film slasher icons such as Voorhees and Leatherface 4) the Captain's sidearm is the Blade: the Series sawed off shotgun with vents. They just added laser sights to it. Trust me, with that spread, you really won't need to aim; just worry about recoil.

In the far away future of 2210, humanity has explored the stars and the only other intelligent lifeforms out there are the vampires. Different breeds, whole lot of attitude. The V-SAN or Vampire Sanitation (sounds like the vamps call them for a blocked toliet) are on the case. From mining planets to areas of British Columbia that Stargate and its spin-offs hadn't filmed in, our brave hunters are taking down suckheads left and right. IT'S A FRIGGIN' CREW OF FIVE!!!!!

Vampire Reavers? Veavers? Rampires?

 

 

 

 

 

 

For God's sake, at least the Sulocco in Aliens had a platoon worth of space marines. My favorite Damphyr of BloodRayne (Natassia Malthe of Devil's Highway, Skinwalkers, DOA: Dead or Alive, Dead & Deader, Sex and Death 101, BloodRayne: Deliverance, Alone in the Dark II and BloodRayne: The Third Reich) is playing...wait for it... a Damphyr. Typecasting or do producers just like her in mid-riff leathers? That may be a bit sexist. Granted you won't hear me complain that a gorgeous woman is in leathers and strutting about.

Our touch as nails Captain Churchill is Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman's hubby??? Yeah it is Joe Lando (Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, Counterstrike, Bloodsuckers, Wildfire, A.I. Assault, Meteor Apocalypse and The Secret Circle) leading our team of FIVE into hostile territories. They snag, bag and tag the vampires or call corporate and tell them the planet is a write-off. It's a tough job but somebody's got to do it.  Breaking in a new roster to the crew is corporate officer Lt. Damian (Dominic Zamprogna of It Waits, Supernatural, Battlestar Galactica, Battlestar Galactica: The Resistance, Blade: The Series, Painkiller Jane, The L Word, Smallville and 2012), a wet behind the ears rookie that may just have what it takes to gack some vamps. Awww he's got a coming of age story. Precious.

 

10 to 1 she heard a cheesy pick-up line.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Among our fine bunch of badasses is gunner duo team-up Roman (Aaron Pearl of The Tortured, Ice Quake, Lloyd the Conqueror, Christmas Miracle, Supernatural, King & Maxwell, Godzilla, Til Death Do Us Part and No Men Beyond This Point) our Drake of Aliens archtype and Rosa (Leanne Adachi of Deep Rising, The Final Cut, The Invisible, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Stargate Universe, Red Widow, Rogue adn Supernatural) our Vasquez wannabe. Well now that the Mousekeeters signed off, they get into the fracas. Shocking the first planet they find has been ransacked and ravaged. For a handful of vamps, they made quite the mess. Moving on from the mining colony, the ship gets an SOS and naturally they're the only ship in the quadrant (Hmm sound Star Trek enough for ya?) so they go in. Finding the sole survivor Fiona (A.J. Cook of Final Destination 2, Tru Calling, Criminal Minds, Dead Like Me, Vanished, Night Skies, Misconceptions and Mother's Day) she tells the hunters that the last place the rest of the colony was down in the mines. FYI, these are the same mines that were used for First Blood. Yeah a bit more movie trivia. You're welcome, gang!

Our team head right to the obvious trap instead of taking off and nuking the site from orbit, because...plot device. Shockingly enough, a team of five really cannot hold off hundreds of vamps. Who knew?  The Captain gets separated from the team and Damian has to take up command. Reluctantly, the duo fire team follow Damian as they find out someone has issued codes to shut down orbital defenses on the allied planets inhabited by humans.  Soooo...it's a universal code?   One code and that's it?! I can change my remote, my Ipad, hell my laptop's registration but one frickin' code?!!! Ever heard of backups?!!  Sorry sorry.

 

Not even Dylan Hunt would hire these clowns.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now our band has to play on and find out who sold the humans out, eradicate them and save the universe. That's a tall order. Getting backup isn't an option as they don't know how far up the ranks of the corporate of V-SAN this goes. Bet it was Burke. He'd definitely screw us for a percentage.

Obviously this film is a love letter to many a creator. James Cameron for Aliens, Joss Whedon for Buffy and Firefly a little smidgen of John Carpenter for Vampires and definitely Star Trek for the Final Frontier gag and techno babble.

Is it a bad movie? No. Is it filled with tropes we have seen before? Well yes. A group of loners that work together, combat their differences, back stories and issues then fight side-by-side? Yeah it may have been done before. There are clever ideas, decent locations, the FX is spot on and overall story is feasible for a TV plot. Is it captivating to the likes of Serenity? Well that is an unfair comparison and Firefly had a lot of desperate elements and characters that amounted over the course of 14 episodes and a later a movie. If Bloodsuckers got the same treatment, they could do pretty well. So yes if this were the pilot episode rather than the movie, you'd have a chance.

At the end of the day it is a goofy flick with some action, one liners and vampires. Look if you came for a riveting story that tells us the underlining metaphor of humanity and the hopes and dreams that would one day become reality, you picked the wrong blog. I really don't review those types of film. If you came for some laughs, cheesy lines and a decent enough plot; you're in luck.

Grr. Arrgh.

Bloodsucker Sequels: Dracula III: Legacy

Howdy all and greetings to Day 5 of Bloodsuckers Sequels. Yes it is that time again as we wrap up the week. We have had our chills and spills, our laughs and languishing story arcs. Today we finish up the Patrick Lussier trilogy that is the collective Dracula 2000. Spoilers a plenty ahead! If you do not wish to partake then read a latter review I guess. For those of you that are never gonna watch this movie anyway, welcome. Father Uffizi and Luke have made their way into Translyvania, in the heart of Dracula's domain. To rid the world of this evil, possibly save Liz and make the planet safer. This is Dracula III: Legacy.

Told you to take that left at Albuquerque!

Father Uffizi (Jason Scott Lee of Back to the Future II, Ghoulies Go to College, Map of the Human Heart, Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story, The Jungle Book, Tale of the Mummy, Soldier, Lilo & Stitch, Timecop: The Berlin Decision and The Prophecy: Forsaken and Seventh Son) and Luke (Jason London of Dazed and Confused, Mixed Signals, Broken Vessels, The Rage: Carrie 2, Jason and the Argonauts and Grind) have been on the trail of Dracula and his bloody swath he enjoys making him rather easy to track.

Uffizi of course is on a mission to rid the world of Dracula and contain his remains in the Vatican. Due to his infection he fights off every morning, the transformation of vampirism feels like it is winning and only his will keeps it at bay. Luke's standing is still smitten with Liz (Diane Neal of Dracula II: Ascension, Second Born, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, NCIS, Power, Suits and NCIS: New Orleans) and hopes to be reunited with her and be with her.

Along with Dracula's vampiric drones left to torment or slaughter our terrific twosome, the villages residing under the mountaintop castle are not better off. Between the warring factions of a human civil war the rebels attempting to gain ground because the government has long since thrown their lot in with Dracula, this is some dangerous countryside.

Um, I think Liz is just hungry now.

With human lackeys restocking Dracula's larder, a journalist name of Juila Hughes (Alexandra Wescourt of Brookside, LAX, Dracula III: Legacy and Watch Over Me) who befriends the father and Luke as they are try to make their way to the castle. With acres and acres of forest, human and vampires alike roaming and of course whatever such creatures in the area, our heroes have a long way to travel. Now we are going a bit more old school so none of the hip and young kids and their short-term vampirism but we have the old school dungeon harem of wenches under the fang, barely clothed, covered in dry blood and basically closer to Stoker.

Why Dracula is now Rutger Hauer??!! not 1980's I am built like a swimmer Rutger Hauer but 61 year old (now 72) had a close relationship with booze and finally off the wagon Hauer. So yeah I was not prepared for this new Dracula regeneration er um I mean resurrection. When you watch his scenes with his chambers are adorn with a buttload of TVs all over the place. I guess immortality takes its toll and he regresses to a more evil and worn look... or something that convoluted of that nature. Most of his lines felt goofy and it was said Hauer improvised a lot so that makes a bit more sense.

Luke of course is still fighting on instinct and no real training to speak of. Sheesh Uffizi, help the kid out. Will they defeat Dracula and his evils? Can Transylvania ever be rid of the monsters man and inhuman alike? Is this gag too drawn out?

Now don't get me wrong. This film as a whole is pretty good for the stigma of "B-Movie" and the script and directing are fair. Just some of Hauer's lines are just silly and out of place for this gothic horror they are trying to give us. I mean, "There are no dead here, just the f**ked-up dead!" seemed a bit ridiculous. Not a bad film and rather entertaining but given the copious amount of scattered undead ass and graphic violence you may want the kiddies to go watch something else.

I'm Luke Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you.

Bloodsucker Sequels: Fright Night Part 2

Welcome back my fine fellow and lady readers. We are back for Day 3 of Bloodsucker Sequels and after the SNAFU of yesterday forgetting about Fright Night's lack of review, today we are ready for its sequel. Yeah we will not be looking over the 2011 remake nor the straight-to-DVD 2013 remake to the sequel. If anyone is interested in that sequel, the late Anton Yelchin, Imogen Poots or David Tennant so not sure how much fun it could be. 3 years after the first film we find Charley in college and enjoying the student body. This is Fright Night Part 2.

Quite the overbite she has.

Three years after that terrifying night of facing down Jerry Dandridge and his manservant, Charley (William Ragsdale of Fright Night, Smooth Talk, Mannequin: On the Move, Herman's Head, Ellen, Just a Little Harmless Sex, Brother's Keeper, Grosse Pointe, Judging Amy, Big Momma's House 2 and Road House 2: Last Call) is a typical, horny college student all twitterpated with his new lady love, psych major Alex (Traci Lind of Moving, Survival Quest, Fright Night Part 2, Spellcaster, Class of 1999, No Secrets, Bugsy, My Boyfriend's Back, The End of Violence and No Strings Attached). Guess Amy wasn't his "forever" girl. Charley is coming to terms on what happened and starts to believe it was all in his head and forgets that vampires are real... until four strangers make their way to town traveling with noted actress/performance artist Regine (Julie Carmen of Gloria, Condo, The Milagro Beanfield War, Falcon Crest, Blue City, Lovers, Partners & Spies, Paint It Black, Kiss Me a Killer, Seduced by Evil, In the Mouth of Madness and the Omen) will be appearing on Peter Vincent's Fright Night show. Peter (Roddy McDowall of That Darn Cat!, Batman, Planet of the Apes, The Legend of Robin Hood, Journey to Murder, Pretty Maids All in a Row, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, The Poseidon Adventure, The Legend of Hell House, Planet of the Apes TV series, The Fantastic Journey and Circle of Iron) feels slighted after offering his best years to this show but also feels as if Regine is more than she seems.

I just sat on a tack.  Ow.

Along with Regine is her familiar or daytime protector Bozworth (Brian Thompson of Cobra, Werewolf TV series, Fright Night Part 2, Alien Nation, Key West, Kindred: The Embraced, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The X-Files) a ripped, built Reinfield that enjoys the scientific name of his delicacies i.e.bugs before ingesting them, werewolf Louie (Jon Gries of Helter Skelter, Real Genius, Running Scared, The Monster Squad, Fever, Martin, Men in Black, The Pretender and Lost) and Belle (dance choreographer/actor Russell Clark of Cinderella, Laura Branigan: Self Control, Body Rock, Catch the Heat, Fright Night Part 2 and The Temptations) a smooth criminal..nah just a wild eyed, rocking the roller skates vampire with ace 80s threads.

Believing Charley's stories may not be stories after all, Alex goes to Peter Vincent for help to take down this new blight of the supernatural. With a bit more ice in his veins, Peter agrees, loads up his case of goodies and heads out to assist Alex in saving Charley.

Will Alex and Peter make it in time? Can Regine be stopped? Will I ever stop this gag?

Working as editor and actor under John Carpenter, Tommy Lee Wallace (director of Halloween III: Season of the Witch, The Twilight Zone, Tour of Duty, And the Sea Will Tell, Born Free: A New Adventure, Steel Chariots, Final Justice and Vampires: Los Muertos)brings his "A" game to the film. Ragsdale and McDowall are a wonderful combo and play well off each other. Julie Carmen is stunning to the eye and still managed to creep me out. If you loved the original, allow me to say this is one of those few films that is on par with the first one. Less eye candy for the ladies aside from Brian Thompson's rippling build.

Bleh! HE HAS A MULLET!!!  Death is too good for him.

Bloodsucker Sequels: Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust

Welcome back readers of the blog. I really need come up with better intros. I felt this week we would look at some sequels to existing vampire movies that may or may not have had an impact on its viewers. For better or worse sort of viewing. Now some of these films were relegated to straight-to-DVD while others got big screen time but in a finite viewing capacity. Nevertheless I shall endeavor to give them an objective screening as much as humanly possible. This time around we gander at the sequel to 1985 anime Vampire Hunter D, which between gorgeous artwork, decent storyline and a substantial English and Japanese voice cast breathed life into the undead. Can the 2000 sequel do the same? This is Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust.

The house has seen better days.

Alas Toyoo Ashida (director of Heidi: A Girl of the Alps, Space Cruiser Yamato III, Fist of the North Star, Fist of the North Star 2 and Vampire Hunter D) did not take the helm as the sequel's director but instead Yoshiaki Kawajiri (director/animator of Lensman, Wicked City, Ninja Scroll and Bio Hunter) giving an almost ethereal look to his main characters. An otherworldly beauty even to the monsters. As with its predecessor, the story is set thousands of years into the future after the nuclear war of 1999, this ballparks our storyline somewhere about 12,090 A.D. where thanks to bands of hunters, vampires become less and less active and their numbers have been diminished. Obscene bounties have been put upon vampire heads causing bounty hunters of different ilk to rise up and smite them for that huge chunk of change. Our vampire Meier Link (John Rafter Lee of Aeon Flux, Black Jack: The Movie, Todd McFarlane's Spawn, Spawn 2, Spawn 3, Trigun, Reign: The Conqueror, Vampire: The Masquerade- Redemption and Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex) exhibits telekinesis, the undead aura that wilts flowers and puts animals at ill ease as he scoops up his intended victim Charlotte (Wendee Lee of Bleach, Ninja Gaiden 3, Monster High: Ghouls Rule!, Resident Evil: Damnation, Conan the Barbarian: Queen of the Black Coast and Diablo III: Reaper of Souls).

This arrow has meaning.  I can just tell.

Among these hunters, one stands out as he tackles the vampires on his own. Aloft his cybernetic horse, black garbs and long sword, he rides to the regions that need his help whether they like it or not. The money almost seems secondary to him. The dhampyr vampire hunter solely known as D (Andrew Philpot of Castle in the Sky, Almost Dead, Bio Hunter, Tenchi Muyo! In Love, Magical Project S, Reign: The Conqueror and The Chronicles of Riddick: Dark Fury). His only companion is a symbiote that resides in his left hand. A creature able to think, talk, create vortexes of wind, psychometry (able to read events associated with objects, people and even the timelines the objects were used) , induces sleep and acts like a medical scanner for victims of the supernatural. Handy, ain't he? I'll slap myself for that bad of a pun later. Left Hand is voiced by comedian/improv/voice actor Michael McShane (Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, UK Who's Line Is It Anyway, Spawn, Final Fantasy X-2, Evil Alien Conquerors, Death and Texas and Wayward Pines)

The Markus brothers, a collective of vampire hunters have a day's headstart of D as they use a steam based tank outfitted with bolt throwers, crucifixes and their own unique fighting styles and weapons dealing with Link's cadre of undead minions. Looks like he remade an entire village to greet trespassers.

Can the Markus brothers and D work together? Will D have to journey alone?

For some reason the Japanese to English translation is calling the Dhampyr (child of a human and vampire) a dunpeal.  Bit of a goof I am guessing.  This film is a straight up adaptation from creator Hideyuki Kikuchi (Genmu senki Leda, Vampire Hunter D, Wicked City, Demon City Shinjuku, Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust, The Vanished and Vampire Hunter D: Resurrection) keeping it pretty faithful to the original source material and Kikuchi believes in incorporating all aspects of mythos using wooden stakes, beheading with swords and silver blades, bolts and bullets. A mixture of cyberpunk, steampunk and Romanian mythos this story pushes the envelope of augmented people, shapeshifters and werewolves to make you wonder is there any normal humans out there? It's moody, eerie and fascinating all together wrapped up in one anime. On par with its original but I do not feel it surpasses it. Still a good flick.

Yeesh the Circus of Crime got weirder.

Vampires Reborn: Dracula 2000

Back again for Day 4 of Vampires Reborn and today's title is very apt. The origin of the stories spoken and written brings about a different take on a character that hails from an age-old monster that haunts many dreams, fascinate others and terrifies several. A creature that lacks a reflection, has hatred of all things Christian and seems to have a vulnerability to silver. This is Dracula 2000.

Jeri Ryan as a vampire?? Hmm...

Deep in the heart of London, Matthew Van Helsing (Christopher Plummer of The Silent Partner, Murder by Decree, Highpoint, Dreamscape, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, Dolores Claiborne and A Beautiful Mind) a descendant of the 19^th century country doctor that fought Dracula owns an antique shop working along side his protege Simon Sheppard (Jonny Lee Miller of Hackers, Trainspotting, Plunket & Macleane, Mindhunters, Endgame and Elementary) as they are about to close down for the holiday as Helsing's secretary Solina (Jennifer Esposito of Summer of Sam, Spin City, The Bachelor, Beyond the City Limits, Taxi, Samantha Who?, Blue Bloods and She's Funny That Way)needs a few signatures and she discretely shoots Simon down for a romantic getaway. That being said, Simon is off for the night and Matthew retires for the night. A cadre of thieves break into the Carfax Abbey building, bypass his security and head into a large catacombs but this was only the modern security. A few deadly traps killing a member of the crew and they still move on, stealing a silver coffin which the thieves assume is the treasure to be had.

You almost hit a mime!

Escaping with the goods with a flight to New Orleans, the coffin is opened releasing the prince of darkness himself, Dracula (Gerard Butler of Attila, Shooters, The Jury, Reign of Fire, 300, Gamer, How to Train Your Dragon and Olympus Has Fallen) who dispatches his would-be captors with ease and ended up crashing the plane outside of New Orleans.

Helsing gets on a plane and heads out for the crash-site, only to followed by Simon and then things get a bit kooky. Not having a CSI in this tiny town, the buddies were brought to a school only to release freshly made vampires. Simon quickly comes to terms that the monsters were real and helps end them. Matthew explains that he is actually Abraham and kept Dracula prisoner all these centuries, using Dracula's blood to prolong his life until he could figure a way to dispose of him forever.

Dracula bound by blood, seeks Helsing's daughter Mary (Justine Waddell of Great Expectations, Chaos, The Fall, Target and Killing Bono) as they are connected on a psychic level. Helsing and Simon must get to Mary before Dracula does and stop him as quickly as possible.

A few points of interest on the film. The name of Helsing's antique shop is named Carfax Abbey, the name of the house Dracula moved into in Stoker's novel. Actress/singer Vitamin C playing Lucy Westerman works in Virgin Megastore and you can clearly see one of her own albums on the rack. I noticed it seem we were less likely in London and more so in Toronto.

Not a brilliant movie but a new spin on an old thing. I have seen far lesser Dracula films and trust me on that.

So you are... gifted then?

Grindhouse Flicks: Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires

Hey there teen gang and welcome back for Day 4 of Grindhouse Flicks. Well we've had some blaxploitation, a biker/satanist themed movie and a slasher/thriller low budget cult film. What are we lacking??? OoOo how about a Kung Fu film? But this can't be just any Kung Fu flick. No, it cannot. We need something to punch it up a bit. I know! Vampires added to the mix! Oh and Dracula as a main baddie but... we won't elude to his existence right away. Yeah, that will do nicely. This is Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires.

Of course I am Christopher Lee...grr...rawr.

Hammer Films presents a trip to China vampire style!!! With director Roy Ward Baker (Don't Bother to Knock, A Night to Remember, Five Million Years to Earth and Asylum) and uncredited director for location Cheh Chang (Blood Brothers, One-Armed Swordsman, Crippled Avengers and Five Deadly Venoms) comes a Hammer Film of multiple alternative titles. My personal favorite is The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula. Sounds like they just dropped in for tea and biccies. Eleven English alternative titles for this puppy so this should be interesting.

Our film opens with a shaman of Chinese descent making his way to Castle Dracula in Translyvania with the burden of his quest. To take audience with Count Dracula (John Forbes-Robertson of The Vault of Horror, The Vampire Lovers, Nicholas and Alexandra, The Man from Nowhere, The Island of Adventure, Samson and Delilah and Room 36) and ask him to restore the power of the 7 Golden Vampires given the seventh one has been slain. With Dracula's power base the reigning vamps can be at full strength and rule over China once more from beyond the grave... or check in a psycho ward, whichever happens first. Dracula listens and makes his own demand of inhabiting the shaman/priest's body in order to leave the land and make it across China. Serious commitment there brohan!

Revenge of the three bean salad!

Meanwhile as luck or a clever plot device Professor Lawerence Van Helsing (Peter Cushing of The Horror of Dracula, The Mummy, Doctor Who and the Daleks, Island of Terror, Sherlock Holmes, Star Wars, Shock Waves and Top Secret!) is tending a lecture circuit to at a Chongqing University on the legends of Chinese vampires. The legends he speaks of is a village ruled and harassed by a cult following the immortal Golden Vampires. Apparently a peasant farmer lost his wife to the vampires and he trekked all the way on foot to their main temple. Finding several women strapped to tables to be fed on the farmer armed only with a pitch-fork (No boomstick for this badass) did battle with the vampires. Permanently losing his wife the farmer swiped a bat-like talisman off one of the vamps and high-tailed in outta there. Placing the talisman around a Jade Buddha he attempted to get the villagers to open the gates only to be fanged and drained. Still ballsy guy in my book. With the Buddha being consecrated or holy, the vampires cannot obtain the talisman.

Later Helsing is spoken to by a student Hsi Chang (David Chiang of Blood Brothers, Death Duel, Shaolin Handlock, Shaolin Mantis, Strife of Mastery and Once Upon a Time in China II) explains the legend is true and the man that defiled the vampire temple was his grandfather. While the vampires slumber the seventh moon of the year is almost upon this village. Chang asks for Helsing's assistance in dispatching this ancient evil. Helsing agrees and he and his son Leyland (Robin Stewart of Damn the Defiant!, Bless This House, Oliver Twist, Sweet and Sour, A Tale of Two Cities and Sons and Daughters) will join the battle.

Can they stop Dracula from making the Seven Golden Vampires whole? Will the village suffer? Can they be stopped?

A couple of notations for the movie at this time.

Christopher Lee was first approached to reprise Dracula again but he was less than interested with the script and passed so the torch was given to John Forbes-Robertson. This is the only Hammer film starring Dracula that the Count's name was not featured in the title. We got to hear a Wilhelm scream during the big fight in the village as Helsing chucked a zombie into a fire pit.

While this was supposed to follow directly after Scars of Dracula the continuity claims Dracula to have travel from Transylvania in 1804 and arrive in China in 1904. an entire century of which Dracula was in London, Germany and Transylvania so it does not match up with the rest of the Dracula Hammer films at all. Plus...no Christopher Lee. Got a little sick of the servitors' tune which sounded like a combination of bumble bees trapped in a tin can, trumpets and tambourines.

Still quite entertaining and very challenging for an English production to the wire work, fight choreography and stunts via China. These days that is a walk in the park by comparison.

Eternal life does not excuse poor hygiene!!!

Vampire Grab Bag Week

Hello again folks.  A lot going on the week as I attempt to get Rotten Reelz Ramblings funding up and running but clearly I picked the worse time of the year.   This week I thought we search high and low on yet another facet of the undead.  This time around I thought we would grab some random vampire titles and hope for the best and prep for the worst.

TRIPLE ESPRESSOS ARE FANTASTIC!!!!

I haven't got a chance to sift through some titles in a while and frankly this is good as any week. I hope we are in for a treat rather than me wincing from horrendous plots, wooden acting and men and women clearly there solely based on looks rather than talent.

Horror of 1970 Week: Count Yorga, Vampire

Welcome back to the madhouse kids for Day 4 of Horror of 1970 Week and say what horror week would be without a good vampire movie and trust me this is nothing like a good vampire movie.   So grab your crosses, snag gallons of holy water and grab a lot of sharp pointy stakes.  This is Count Yorga, Vampire.

I come from your Techicolor Nightmares!!

Count Yorga: Doctor Hayes, what an unexpected spoiler.

Our story opens with my most favorite thing in the world…narration.  Relax; it is not a Uwe Boll film.  A truck is loaded up at the Port of Los Angeles and whisked away to a gated mansion up in the California Hills and its cargo is revealed to be a coffin. BUM BUM BUM!!!!  The hostess of said manor Donna (Donna Anders of Laredo, The Arrangement, Dream No Evil and Werewolves on Wheels) has invited her nearest and dears to a séance in the hopes to contacting her dead mother.  Not exactly certain why she is bothering the dead but maybe there was a typo in the will.  In order to prepare for this séance the party is lead by the unfathomable Count Yorga (Reggie Nalder of Perry Mason, Madhouse, Dr.  Phibes Rises Again, Rapid Assault, Jungle Boy and Dear Santa), a renowned psychic from Bulgaria to perform the channeling but Donna is disturbed during the proceedings and Yorga uses hypnosis calm her nerves.  The party breaks up and Donna’s friends Erica (Judy Lang of Dr. Kildare, The Trip, The Psycho Love and Count Yorga, Vampire) and Paul (Michael Murphy of Manhattan, Batman Returns, The Island, Magnolia, X-Men: The Last Stand and The Bridge) offer to drive the Count home to his own posh mansion.  

Psst. Debbie, can I borrow your conditioner?

Shortly after dropping off Yorga, Paul cannot seem to restart his van outside the mansion (must have ran out of gas. Wink wink) and the two opt to spend the night in the van.  Naturally this leads to diddling each other in the van as Yorga plays spying Torgo outside then attacks them both.  The next day Paul cannot recall their attacker and Erica doesn’t seem to even remember the attack one bit.   Erica visits with her doctor James Hayes (Roger Perry of Arrest and Trial, The Thing with Two Heads, The Elf Who Saved Christmas, Dirty Love and Wreckage) about this mysterious bite marks at her throat.  Unable to proper diagnose the cause of her being listless he notices she is also minus a pint or two and prescribes her a high protein diet and some bed rest.  OMG, that will go right to her hips.   Ahem…moving right along Hayes contacts both Paul and Michael (Michael Macready of Something Evil, Terror House and Rescue from Gilligan’s Island) to hold a pow wow and discuss how this could have occurred when they walk in on Erica having a snack…her pet kitten to be exact.  To add to the wacky Erica threatens to destroy the menfolk but then attempt to seduce Paul before breaking down.   Could vampirism be the key to Erica’s plight and who would be the dastardly monster responsible?

I’ve got just a few more notes on this film.  There are truckloads of nudity and sex scenes due to hypnotism and vampiric nature so this is definitely not for the kiddies.  The film feels rushed and conclusions are made a bit too early but the film attempts to be taken seriously even if you, the viewer find it a bit laughable.   The print I was watching had more lines than a renaissance faire porta-potty stalls after the turkey leg didn’t agree with you.  The police as always with these films are depicted as incompetents and leave our heroes on their own and pacing of the film seems to just vary from slow and steady to a crescendo of action and hand held work.  Good film for the chuckles but not one to log on your horror shelf.

I swear I heard something.

Sci-Fi Fantasy Week: Captain Kronos- Vampire Hunter

Hello all and welcome back to Sci-Fi Fantasy Week and I found us a Hammer film of some repute.   With the fans of Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing a few Hammer films do escape the public eye especially if they are just looking to see Ingrid Pitt nude again. What say we regale stories of a traveling master swordsman and his humpback companion as they campaign against the undead?  Yes strop us some stakes, prep the holy water and gather some garlic flowers.  This is Captain Kronos- Vampire Hunter

Dead toads confuses the vampire you see and...oh forget it.

Heironymous Grost: You see, doctor, there are as many spoilers of vampire as there are beasts of prey. Their methods and their motive for attack can vary in a hundred different ways.

With his village on under siege from a virulent plague, Dr. Marcus (John Carson of Taste the Blood of Dracula, Emma, Oppenheimer, Doctor Who and Survivor) almost dismisses the notion that the plague attack these young girls is actually vampires and sends for his old Imperial Army friend Captain Kronos (Horst Janson of You Can’t Win ‘Em All, The Captain, Shout at the Devil, Storm of Love and Destruction of Silence) an adept swordsman and would you believe it, a vampire hunter?  Travelling with Kronos is his faithful companion Professor Heironymous Grost (John Cater of Orlando, The Avengers, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Dr. Phibes Rises Again,  the Woman in Black and Where the Heart Is) an expert on all things Vampire and how to dispatch them. 

What hump?

Now before you all start screaming not another vampire movie, let us point out a few things.  These vampires appear in hoods even during the mid day and seem to drain not blood but life and youth from their victims.  Most mythology buffs or even Stargate Atlantis fans would be saying wraith about now and I cannot say I fault them.  

Along the road to Marcus’ village Kronos spots a young girl Carla (Carolyn Munro of Dracula A.D. 1972, Star Crash, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, The Spy Who Loved Me, Maniac and Slaughter High) in pillory for a meager crime, Kronos chooses to free her and be off on his way when she asks to join him and Grost to their next destination.  Kronos and Grost prep their litmus test for vampire detection using a series of dead toads in the road, forcing them walk around and prepare to waste the creatures but no clue so far to the unspeakable foul beast or beasts’ lair.   The town has been living in fear of this curse and few choose to speak out.  The most influential of the village are in seclusion and have no interest with interaction on the day to day leads Kronos to believe perhaps the vampire is hiding on their property.   I personally thought they were prigs and uptight.

Vampire Hunter and Eye Candy? Bonus.

A few things I wanted to mention about the movie.   Shot in 35mm Spherical and audio done in Mono, writer/director Brian Clemens (The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Quiller, The New Avengers, The Watcher in the Woods, Timestalkers and Blue Blood) must have felt the vampire folklore angle being more of a superstitious nature into the story was a nice touch; keeping in tradition that there is always a sliver of truth in every tale.  

NINJA STRIKE!!!!

Our hooded menace feasting on the local wenches is not revealed until towards the end of the film giving it a bit of suspense.  The dialogue was sharp and clever with a nice leisurely pace of films of its ilk but it certainly did not skimp on the action at all and for the life of me I cannot see how this did not go the same franchise route the Dracula series did.   Guess even Hammer Film fans are fickle.

Vampire Week: Vampirella

Well folks I welcome you to Day 5 of the Vampire week and boy oh boy did I find one that sucked…blood, ass and exorbitant amount of feces but I am not bitter.  Hailing from the Harris Comics creator Forrest J Ackerman (Vampirella, Panthra , Forrest J. Ackerman’s Guide to Science Fiction and Worlds of Tomorrow) A planet of ancient species of strong, empowered beings gather in harmony and prosperity…until a villainous tyrant Vlad seeks to disrupt such peace and tranquility and kill…Angus Scrimm?   So gather your wet naps, keep a puke bucket on standby and be amazed at the cheesy effects.  This is Vampirella.

The death of a good comic book!

In any reality I would call you spoiler!

Squeaking by at 86 minutes is the film adaptation of comic book supernatural heroine Vampirella.  The High Council of Drakulon finds Vlad (Roger Daltrey of Tommy, The Kids Are Alright, Highlander, Rude Awakening and Dark Prince: The True Story of Dracula) in content of the rules and just before he is exiled to the Phantom Zone…er I mean executed, his disciples break in the chambers, blast the council and they high tail it for an awaiting star vessel. 

Vampirella fan club, how may I direct your call?

2 minutes prior Ella/Vampirella (Talisa Soto of License to Kill, Don Juan DeMarco, Mortal Kombat, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever) speaks sweetly to High Elder Stepfather (Angus Scrimm of Phantasm, Subspecies, Phantasm II, Alias and I Sell the Dead) and well you can see how well that turned out.  Ella seeks to chase down her stepfather’s killers and make them see bloody vengeance.   So we blue screen to scale model ships that look less realistic than Super Car or Stingray and Junior Birdman the hell to Earth.   And that was all done 3000 years ago.   Yes Vlad and his gaggle of vampiric misfits have been on Earth for centuries and directly responsible for vampirism.  SPACE HERPES!!!!

For your crimes against Drakulon you must play more pinball.

Hiding in plain sight in Las Vegas in a lounge act Vlad is pursued by PURGE, the highly skilled, well trained of extras that cannot understand muzzle discipline, tactical engagement or how to subdue a suspect.  They look like they are armed with Airsoft rifles, their “Sun Gun” is clearly a mariner spot light with sound and light effects and they have mastered the martial art of Pushy Shovey.  A descendant of Van Helsing, Adam (Richard Joseph Paul of Quick Change, Oblivion, Knight Rider 2010, Oblivion 2: Backlash, Law & Order: Criminal Intent) leads this bands of fearless slayers of the undead…somehow.

This is the part where I point out the highs and lows of the film and certain details of it.  Schlockmeister director of Creature Feature T &A flicks Jim Wynorski has raped yet another comic book character franchise.  His first being with The Return of the Swamp Thing and boy that was some hurt.  The starship sequences are lifted from Wynorski’s remake of Not of This Earth but sadly none of the shots of Traci Lords changing tops.  

Every geek fanboy's wet dream!

The pace of the film is slower than Dan Quayle reading a quantum physics book, the plot is lacks punch or substance, and there is some obligatory nudity but not enough to be suiting in a Wynorski film.  See Dinosaur Island as an example, lastly the kung faux fight scenes reminded me of a dull junior high school play.    

Thus ends Vampire Week.  Have a good one folks.  Feel free to comment on the blog and the Facebook page.

Vampire Week: Vampire Warriors

Ah if I had a nickel for every time I saw a Chinese vampire movie…well okay I would have about 25 cents but that is neither here nor there. So grab your Zen archery set and a Shuang Shou Jian for decap.  This is Vampire Warriors.

Smoking kills...so does a hunk of wood in your chest.

Spoilers can be destroyed with sunlight, garlic and wooden stakes.

Director/Writer and producer Dennis Law (The Unusual Youth, Fatal Contact, Fatal Move and King of Triads) brings us this deeply suspenseful conflict an uneasy friendship between a vampire hunter Ar (Luxia Jiang of Ninja Masters, King of Triads, True Legend and Naked Soldier) and family of vegetarian vampires Max (Chrissie Chow of Love Undercover 3, Beautyworld, Seven 2 One and Perfect Wedding) and her father who cannot keep it in his pants Lung (Siu-hou Chin of Mr. Vampire, Chu dao gui jing, Twin Warriors and Fist of Legend).

Children of the night...sipping water. Spooky.

Ar roams about hunting down evil vampires attempting to find the vampire that put the bite on her sister So (Pinky Cheung of Colour of the Truth, Good Times, Bed Times, Sex and the Beauties, Triad Wars, King of Triads and Fire of Conscience) while Max and her apparently neutral or good vampires hang around town constantly complaining how bored they are.  Apparently immortality is such a buzz kill. 

All of that changes as a powerful and malicious vampire of the name of Mung (Wah Yeun of Supercop, The Master, Twins Mission, Looking for Jackie and Kung Fu Wing Chun) who gains strength from every vampire he kills absorbing their power regardless how little they possess.  It’s a bit like Yu Law channeling the chi from his doppelgangers.  Ar joins forces with Max’s family to fend off this evil blight that is…Mung. 

With that in mind I would like to take this time to point out a few things about said movie. There is an exorbitant amount of wire work in this film and the fight sequences are actually pretty impressive but the story feels like it is dragging rather than unfolding.  It lags in parts and feels disconnected in-between the fight scene.   Apparently all vampires seem to garb in some form of leather clothing and because a girl befriends another girl is clearly a transparent undertone for the writer force his actresses to imply a lesbian romance sub story.   The director comes off as though he is just half assing the film and has no real association into and yet he wrote and produced this as well.  

OOooO...this one had shrooms.

These are signs that a self producer may be too busy pinching his pennies to check in on whether or not his editor is an alcoholic.  The overall production feels 25% done and no one is speaking up for its potential.  A simple refresh and fleshing out the characters with a bit of back story, goals and closer attachments.  More dialogue of people speaking their minds instead of speech that feels like you are attending a lecture.  Not a recommended work of the cinema for you people that value…brain cells, a coherent story and in general a fun time.