Killer Crocodile

Hey gang. Sinuses hate severe weather transitions. So I thought we would endure a creature feature today. Similar to the 1950s to 1960s, Atomic radiation was the cause for gigantism,mutations and rabid creatures; the 1980s was all about nuclear waste causing superheroes ROUS (Rodents of Unusual Size), CHUDs (Cannibalistic Humanoids Underground Dwellers) and those pesky Ninja Turtles. So with that trope at the ready, did I mention this is an Italian creature feature produced by Fulvia Film? This is Killer Crocodile a.k.a. Murder Alligator.

Yer dead meat, Paul Hogan!

Yessir, that is the production company who brought us eerie films like Fulci's The House by the Cemetery and The Beyond...of course they also put up money for Joe D' Amato's Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals or Marino Girolami's Zombie Holocaust. You know you have high hopes for this movie when the alternative title is about a completely different species.

Our director/producer Fabrizio De Angelis ( is primarily for action films like Thunder, Deadly Impact, The Manhunt, Operation Nam, Thunder II, Karate Warrior, The Overthrow, Thunder III, Karate Warrior 2, and The Last Match) has a tall order to fill. Radioactive creature that somehow doesn't warp the vegetation and animals around it.

A group of 20 somethings start investigating the very site. Oh Corporate America, you'd got away with it if it weren't for them meddling kids. The leader of the pack, wildlife photographer Kevin (Richard Anthony Crenna of The Blob, The Great Los Angeles Earthquake, Predator 2, Chicago Hope, Roswell and Landspeed) senses a mystery, teen gang and fires up the Mystery Machine to head into the unknown fracas awaiting them. He and his band of enthusiastic environmentalists just knows in their heart of hearts, nuclear waste is making its way into the swamps, thus damaging this ecosystem for the sake of cost to overhead. Yup, never heard that happening in a creature feature via the 1980s.

Nuclear spillage for us Gen X crowd meant superheroes, supervillains, zombies, ROUS (Rodents of Unusual Sizes), giant killer plants and more Italian post-apocalyptic futures were we wouldn't even see the millennium happen.

So I'm prescribing a topical cream for those gaping wounds.

For my younger readers, Nuclear waste or power was the equivalent of Atomic waste and power was in the 1950s. For your generation, you hear all the dangers of genetic manipulation, engineering and splicing.

Naturally the elected town officials want to keep this quiet for the sake of the population...and their re-elections. Jobs, not People! Hmm that may possibly be the crappiest slogan.

A quick side note, I can't help but feel like this is a direct competition with the Jaws franchise and the 1979 Giant Alligator but this could be my opinion and no one else. That being said, the creature attack theme sounds a bit too much like John Williams' Jaws theme track.

How much Jaws do we have? Well we have a Quint archetype via Joe (Ennio Girolami of The Nights of Cabiria, Fury of Achilles, The Feast of Satan, Sexy Sinners, The Last Shark, Tenebrae, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Escape from the Bronx, Operation Nam and Sinbad of the Seven Seas) who says the croc is as good as dead.  Veritable bad ass of our picture here, folks.  Italian Lee Van Cleef (No really, looks just like the man) swears this to be so.  Crenna's Kevin feels like Hooper and Brodie combined. 

This is a No Wake zone, ya yuppie jerk!

Let's talk about the creature itself. There appears to be the rubber coated foam one that floats in the water, the animatronic head popping out of the water and savaging the locals and a POV version showing more teeth than the entire Osmond family. Again younger readers, this is a Donny and Marie Osmond reference. Hey, nutty idea. Look some of these up yourselves.

Now overall the effects are serviceable, the bladders that seem to blood gyser their way through removed limbs could have been done with a tad more accuracy but this is still fairly experimental FX. In daylight, it looks pretty hokey. Night shots however is flat out awesome. The creature gets to pop out of the water and the ADR growls are giving it some scare. Yeah I did say growls. I know, I know. Crocs don't grow, they have a mild hiss.

Overall, you have a creature feature film that has borrowed a few ideas, tried to set it in a location of said scenarios of creature ran amok in the swamps and the officials plus some plucky kids want to stop before it's too late. Again, napalming the swamp would be bad but given the toxicity of the waters and plants via nuclear waste; the burn off might allow nature to begin anew.

The English dubbing is a bit painful and you really get the vibe the dub actors had no footage to stare at and had to go solely based on the writer's notes. (Scream like a little girl. Now scream like an elderly checkout clerk) We are not making new leaps and bounds but this being a horror film lacks nudity, mild swearing and the blood effects are tamer than a night of The Walking Dead.

Unintentionally funny and riffers would have a field day with it. Make it a drinking game to say, "Screw you, Liver." 

Jamaican does give me gas. Ah hell, looks good.

Anyone Home

Hey folks. Sorry for the lapsed writing. Long rounds of working and a few freelance gigs. We won't go into it. Instead I got a written review request of Rotten Reelz's old friend, Joe Williamson from the Williamson Management Co. Today's movie is a hybrid mystery thriller horror film. Already I am intrigued. As many of you know, I don't get garbage to view from this man. With first time director/writer Patrick Cunningham and starring Emmy and Golden Globe winner Kathy Baker and Nolly Hollywood winner Jasper Cole, this is Anyone Home? a.k.a. Model Home.

Yes happy pills are a bonus!

Again, I get another alternative titled film. Thankfully it isn't Bruno Mattei's Hell of the Living Dead and its 15 alternative titles.

Our movie opens with an infomercial describing a no rent or mortgage down place to live with slight eerie musical intro as we cut back and forth to title credits. This to me, says we are setting the tone and it promises to be all evil. What sounds like a Faustian pact, Brenda (Kathy Baker of Street Smart, Mister Frost, Edward Scissorhands, Picket Fences,Chicago Hope, Boston Public, Cold Mountain, Fathers and Sons, All the King's Men and Medium) is showing off the new potential home that Camila (Monique Gabriela Curnen of Lie to Me, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation The Mentalist, Dystopia, Hawaii Five-0, The Following and Matters of the Heart) signs on this contract to live her new home as a sort of caretaker position. Three houses are complete, street lights are there and the roads are finished. Several empty plots are to be found but overall a modern day ghost town. BRING THE KIDS!

Being a single mother to young Jaime (Luke Ganalon of Bless Me, Ultima, Grey's Anatomy, Shake It Up, Out of the Blue, King John and Doc McStuffins), I have to say Camila there's got to be a better place to start. I'm getting Poltergeist vibes off this cul-de-sac of a community. Not even kids around his age in this place, a lot of construction equipment, supplies and regions a kid will explore and probably end up hurting himself on or with. Jaime finds his remote control spider caught in an inhumane coyote or small game trap (yes sadly I know what they look like). Again all these tools, equipment and building supplies just screams mangled boy!

Leatherface's cousin, Ceramic Head.

Jaime finds he and his mother's clothes strewn on the ground when he was away, proving there is someone else around these premises. An ill omen, perhaps? Camila is still been knocked over of the sheer size of this house. That being said, I think the plumbing, electrical and foundation need checking. Also might want to see if any ancient Native American burial grounds have been disturbed, Satanic rites have happened and the odd human sacrifice or two. Again, just precautions.

That being said, the highway is a quick turn up and go back into the areas of strip malls, fast food and probably the near amounts of grocery stores, possibly a good vet hospital. You know these in-fills can be like. Camila has a pill regiment of an 80 year old woman, looks like some are anti-psychotics and given how "normal" people think of any medicine for depression to dementia she is trying to keep it under wraps.

Jaime is making sure she adheres to her pill intake and boy that can't be stressful. Camila clearly suffers from bi-polar mental issues as the flashbacks indicate and I think they portrayed it well.

With that, the night belongs to scumbags. They would look at an single mother and her impressionable young son as open season. Would it also be bad to point out they don't seem to so much as have a patrol car doing a drive-by to see the neighborhood?

Such isolation the lovely home wouldn't matter as there are no real neighbors about. Just open desert, vacant houses and too much silence.

Thank God for the craft store. The one refuge from pure unadulterated boredom. Ran by Mr( Jon Jon Briones of Moonlight, Sons of Anarchy, Proud American, Brown Soup Thing, Southland, The Mentalist, American Horror Story and Ratched) and Mrs Fan (Cici Lau of Torchwood, Whitney, Breaking In, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Mantervention, Love Arcadia and Fear the Walking Dead).

Enter Walker (Jasper Cole of Alien Nation, Friday the 13^th: The Series, Pride & Joy, Once and Again, What Should You Do?, Prom Queen and Nothing But the Truth), a guy living in an RV and looks as stable as nitroglycerine. He has also laid claim to several of Camila's personal effects. Surprised he isn't rubbing them all over himself.

I liked the premise, the pacing of the movie and the general vibe of the sinister element hidden in the shadows. Nothing is what it appears to be.

Monique's performance was nothing short of astonishing, the cinematography is impressive and this cast and crew had passion for this project.

This film gives a decent view into history of mental illness, what it is to be a single mother and how awful it is to recover from a recession. Proof if proof was needed, that there is no such thing as secure. Whether it is a job or a home, there will always be something or someone lurking out there if they really want to.

Oh Johnny Depp?  Mmm girl I have stories.

Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eyes

Okay Rotten Readers, Readers of the Rotten.  After the copious amount of Indie, A list and B-grade films, I decided I need a change. Yeah this week I am just diving into Italian movies, ranging from Giallo to action films.  An Italian Infusion if you will. With that in mind I am checking out a Giallo directed by Antonio Margheriti (Hercules, Prisoner of Evil, Giants of Rome, Dynamite Joe, The Unnaturals, Death Rage Yor, Hunter of the Future and Jungle Raiders) this is Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eye a.k.a. Cat's Murdering Eye a.k.a. Seven Dead in the Cat's Eye.

Dinner party of the Damned!!!

Yeah you have to take in account for foreign distribution and redistribution happening over the years. And re-redistribution for DVD and Blu-Ray naturally. Um anyone else feel the title might be a giant spoiler? Well at any rate, we are moving on.

In a remote Scottish village (because of course it happens in an isolated little town!) a serious brutal murder of a man happening in...well it either dungeon of torment or possibly old timey BDSM. The safety word is pumpkin. Our man of the moment is being worked over with a straight razor while a pudgy and irritable yellow tabby looks on. Maybe this murder is for Fluffy's amusement or the rats to dine on him. The rats that make squeaky toy noises. I normally use a stuffed toy mouse on a string or laser pointer. I guess my cat is less demanding.

A carriage makes its way to Dragonstone Castle, deep in the highlands of Scotland where the Scottish sound nothing like Christopher Lambert or Adrian Paul. A young schoolgirl Corringa (Jane Birkin of Blow-Up, Death on the Nile, Evil Under the Sun, La pirate, Dust, The Woman in My Life, This Is My Body and A Hell of a Day) is visiting her mother, Lady Alicia (Dana Ghia of Burn!, The Bloodstained Butterfly, My Dear Killer, Peccati di gioventu, Together Forever and California) as she has many summers at this very castle.

Thankfully she driven up by the sweaty creeper Angus (Luciano Pigozzi of The Devil's Man, King of Africa, Hatchet for the Honeymoon, The Case of the Bloody Iris, Escape from Hell, The Last Hunter and Yor, the Hunter from the Future) from Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory. A guy so ennerving around young women if he was an action figure he would come with a hypodermic needle or a bottle of ether and wet rag.

Starve your rats at least two days of optimum flesh devouring.

As they make their way through the courtyard, we get a piano chord of ominous dread and see what looks to be a gorilla peering though a window. The significance? Yeah no idea. Damn dirty ape! Given its numerous rooms, the castle seems to be turned into a boarding house or just jam packed with guests of the area. Mouseketeers! Sign off!

Father Robertson (Venantino Venantini of Warriors of the Wasteland, The Exterminators of the Year 3000, The Adventures of Hercules, Final Justice, The Erotic Dreams of Cleopatra, The Flying Devils, Ocean, The King's Whore and Tango Bar), Corringa's aunt, Lady Mary MacGrieff (Francoise Christophe of The Three Musketeers, Vengeance of the Three Musketeers, Les Thibault, L'affaire Saint-Romans, Marie Love, The Free Frenchman and Fiesta), Dr. Franz (Anton Diffring of The Man Who Could Cheat Death, Where Eagles Dare, The Blue Max and Victory), French teacher Suzanne (Doris Kunstmann of And Jimmy Went to the Rainbow Foot, Hitler: The Last Ten Days, Vienna Crime Squad, The Peppercorns and For Heaven's Sake) and her cousin and heir to the MacGrieff title, Lord James MacGrieff (Hiram Keller of Fellini Satyricon, Orestes, Strogoff, Noa Noa, Rome Wants Another Caesar and Lifespan).

Alicia and Mary are in deep conversation about the cost of the castle and Alicia simply cannot use the inheritance from her late husband other than for Coringa's scholastic and well being. Methinks hubby really didn't love Alicia much but that's just one reviewer's theory.

With the dinner party in full swing, seems an apt time to discuss family legends and curses, right?

Bit awkward to work into small talk. "So I understand when a cat walks over a casket, the deceased can end up being a vampire and plague the living members. Pass the potatoes please."

Mother, your roots are showing.

After the less than successful dinner party, Lady Alicia retires for the night...dun dun dun!!! in that she is suffocated by a pillow via a gloved hand as that creepy orange tabby watches on. Perhaps the cat controls the murderer. Slay more of the HOOMANS and then clean up my poops! Obey! OBEY!

FYI, the local law enforcement as are useful as any of the state troopers during a Friday the 13^th flick. I was surprised they were given firearms and live ammo. I wouldn't trust these collective heads of knuckle to open a can of beans that was previously opened.

With a death toll slowly building up, one is left to wonder who is the killer, why these deaths are happening and who is next?

The Techniscope is giving a great pan around, some solid zooms and really give depth into what is being filmed. Lot of hand held work, 45 degree slant shots and the editing giving the daylight shots an eerie vibe is impressive.

The castle itself is amazing but clearly not Scottish architecture as we are in Italy at Castello Massimo where all $600 sunglasses are made. See what I did there?

The musical score is excellent for setting the tone and you almost get a vibe of Agatha Christie's Ten Little Indians as a underlined theme. Jane Birkin was quite good in it and well let's face it, lovely may not cover her well enough. It was creepy, good set pace and I enjoyed it.

James' smoking hot French teacher.

Morbid Stories

And I'm back my Rotten Readers! Readers of Rotten? Gotta word shop this or fans could give us a better tag. Okay today I have been asked by writer/director/actor Phil Herman (Jacker, Jacker 2, Burglar from Hell, Tales for the Midnight Hour, HorrorTales.666, After Midnight, Into the Woods, Sickened, Tales Till the End, Hell on Earth: Arena of Death and Tales for the Midnight Hour II) invited me to see a five part anthology Horror film. This is Morbid Stories.

Patene: Fight the apocalypse with great hair.

Brought to us by Avail Entertainment, we open with some wide shot of a town resembling New Mexico. Looks like drone shooting, a bit smoother than helicopter is. Some static ridden reports over the radio seems to be pointing catastrophe in the making. A young woman, Candy (Courtney Akbar of Frontlines, NCIS, Parks and Recreation, Smoke Filled Lungs, Astro and Paradise Apartments) is enjoying a warm, sunny day with her Pomeranians. Hey I am a little irked these dogs probably get a better breakfast than I do. Candy now minus her boyfriend is moving out shortly but the house itself seems to have gotten sinister. With electrics and gas seemingly turned off, a car radio announcement confirms something is awry and danger is on the rise.

Witness an apocalyptic end of the world and Candy just finished her last car payment.

Fade to black wipe and a title card telling us New York 15 hours prior. Cut to night shot as we see an injured man with a bite in his throat where he clearly bled out and is doing some tell tale zombie shuffling. Time for some patented Tallahassee Zombieland door smacks. Of course the guy could have had a rabid squirrel bite him and he twisted his ankle. From a Satanist POV, he's destined to be worm food.

Dammit, Kool-Aid man is drunk again.

Over to a snoozing couple as the hours of the night tick tock away. Love that the ill-fated Carnival of Souls is playing on their flat screen in the bedroom. With rapping at their house's windows, the Singers Helen (Crystal Loverro of Guardian Devil, Success, Morbid Stories and Scars of Ancient Futures) and Jamie (Shane Smith of Morbid Stories) grab a deterrent (ballbat) and go investigate the mystery of who the hell is knocking at the door at this hour. A refugee from a 90s metal band?

Who is this long haired stranger (Tim O' Hearn of Dry Bones, The Legend of Six Fingers, Killer Rack, The Dummy 2, Death House, Blood Prism and Johnny Gruesome) decked out all in black complete with leather trenchcoat? He claims he and several of his friends were in an accident up the road and need to use the phone for fire and emergency to come to their aid. Jamie reluctant but eventually gives in to assist. He seems weirded out by these folk and who can blame him? They demand to be invited in. Things aren't what they appear to be and Jamie is still considerate enough to let them in the house. Now being paranoid as I am, I think that jug of holy water and my crucifix would been out about that time or at the very least a shotgun leveled at taking a head off.

In a word, badass. Helen is hell on wheels. Considering her newfound enemies are Nosferatu or Nesuferitu if you prefer.

Now unlike typical anthologies, this is edited a bit differently. It would appear Candy's story is the main one and the others are happening as the day and night progresses. I saw something simple with Tales from the Darkside and Two Evil Eyes.

NOM NOM NOM!!!

24 hours prior in California: a Japanese family are simply being a family. The kids are playing in the dirt and gravel and eldest sister Mallory (Ashley Mei of I Am a Knife with Legs, Tango Europa, Astro, Morbid Stories and Clown Fear) has her hands full with sisters Olivia (Emma Koiso of Clown Fear and Morbid Stories), Ava (Kelly Koiso of Clown Fear and Morbid Stories), Aiden (Lucas Koiso of Morbid Stories) and Jayden (Marcus Koiso of Morbid Stories).

Obsessed with the selfies, vlogging and her friends, she isn't bad at the babysitting but she could be better. Pizza ordered instead of making them a meal? Deducting points already. Friends James (Austyn Reale of Morbid Stories) and Lola (Jocelyne Daugherty of Morbide Stories) are frittering away their afternoon with an Oujia board to contact spirits. Because that never goes wrong in a horror movie...ever. James has attitude and is crashing at a buddy's house. Angsty teen boy issues. Probably body hair, his voice cracking and various body odors no doubt. Oh and he's sweet on Mallory. That much is obvious. Due to the negative vibes given out, an entity proceeds to raise a little Hell for our younglings. Something gets into Lola so you better lop off more than her wrist or maybe an exorcist. You got that on speed dial right, Mallory?

Candy is a responsible doggy mom as she is loading them up with little sips of water. Y'know instead of a big bowl of it, spilling all over the back of the car and making a mess. Exposition radio station is warning her of incoming zombies? Very Zombi 3. Without Radio DJ Fresh Zombi kicking the airwaves with some 70s funk of course.

Meanwhile in Delaware, a published novelist/teacher is correcting writing errors on his works. Yeah just truckloads of run-on sentences and those dreaded dangling participles. The Horror of it all!!! Improper grammar aside, Robert Zirn (Will Devokees of Macabre Medicine, Agent Emes 8: Agent Emes and the Shavous Trial, The League of Science, The Perils of Posting and Morbid Stories) has the expression of a man burned out. Trying to bash his new novel out, the house he's staying at doesn't promote the warmest atmosphere. Hell it's just missing a cannibalistic family with a homemade human chili fetish and I can see it getting great YELP reviews.

Being isolated from everything and anything, Robert is trying to make the new book work, if his paranoia or random creepy sounds would stop happening. His assistant assures him this was the best place for him because there isn't anything else available 50 miles in any direction. Here's hoping he doesn't find a book bound in human flesh and inked in human blood. After all, such a book was never meant for the land of the living. The pitter patter of feet on the roof is disturbing. Caretaker Don (Ryan W. Phillips of Macabre Medicine and Morbid Stories) drops by to hear Zirn kinda whine and bitch. This guy's helping you out, dude. Little more gratitude, man. That being said, Don may need a good smack. No cable no beer makes Zirn something something.

The house has been making odd noises during a thunderstorm. Could be the wind or a mess of Chupacabras. Who can say? 

 Don gives a cryptic warning to not go in the attic. My first thought? Mom's chained and gagged up in that attic. Fate is playing silly buggers with Zirn and clearly he has had a few things on his mind. Nightmares are hounding him or are they nightmares? Again foot steps sounding like it's coming from the attic. Scooby gang of one decides he's gonna see what is a-goin' on there.

Reports of zombies and vampires roaming about. Lock your doors, bolt your windows and pray to your deity of choice.

Cut to arty pale goth girl attempting a rare steak and well it didn't go down well or even at all. Instead of food, she simply has an injection of dubious fluid or liquid. Guess she has a taste for the crimson stuff in our veins. Methinks she is a fledgling to go all Radu there. Armageddon is well into swing as more vampire and zombies seem to be attacking one another. Just a vampire girl living or nonliving in this lonely world. I loved the incidental humor, excellent camera work and the credited acting. This felt like a bizarre rom com.

Is Candy crushing the apocalypse? Will Angel get his soul? How many more pop culture references can I do?

Just in time for Halloween, our movie has been released already to Amazon as of October 22^nd. What we have is five talented stories being told injunction with the main story. The world as we know is gone and these are the final tales to be told. Another example of indie directors managing a good, solid story on a minor budget. Just seeing this you want to give them a huge budget and watch for the wonder to unfold. 

OMG! the apocalypse took my bars!

The Horrible Sexy Vampire

Greetings and hello Rotten Readers! Readers of Rotten?? I'm word shopping here. Bear with me.

After the last abysmal ,jiggly vampire fest; I just know I am going to have a similar round of disappointment with today's movie. How do I come to this conclusion? Well this is an all Spanish cast and crew, filmed in Germany and English (poorly dubbed) is the third language. 

 Guaranteeing me this shan't be a tooter and a titter. This is The Horrible Sexy Vampire.a.k.a. The Vampire of the Highway and Der Vampir von Schloss Frankenstein.

Tee hee!

Well an alternative title film. Yeah, those never end up as a flaming dumpster fire.

Our story begins a ride down the motorway with a jaunty whistled tune. Young couple stop at the first available tavern/inn for some much needed rest. In a room where the beds were made for garden gnomes. Seriously these beds are so tiny, stuffed animals would have complained.

A minute and forty and already the woman is down to bra and panties. You just reek of classy, Movie. While Arthur checks on an open window and draws Marie a bath. Nudity clause fulfilled.

I'm not even kidding. 2 minutes in and boom. So yuuuuup there be titties in the flick. The hint could have been in the title. Arthur hits the shower and then goes into a mime act leaving us to believe he is being strangled? Was the Invisible Man in the shower? Marie becomes curious to why Arthur is so quiet, finding him dead in the tub and she screams at something off camera. Cue opening credits! She may want to contact those guys with the unlicensed nuclear accelerators on their backs.

And when do you feel these erotic notions of vampires?

Cut to the Commissioner (Barta Barri of Horror Express, Dr. Jekyll vs The Werewolf, Treasure Island The Black Wolf, Revenge of the Black Wolf and Monster Dog) and no we don't know his name but he is clearly dubbed via English by none other than Edward Mannix. Those dulcet tones makes me name him Commissioner Mannix for the time being to the morgue looking at either cigar burns or giant hickies on both victims. The doctor invites said Commissioner around to his place for a drink and he will share his "findings". Ooooh my!   Not even the ten minute mark and I can already feel the numbing effect of a slow plot and series of subplots at the ready. Thankfully titty will plug all those pesky plotholes, right fellas? Meh.

Doctor Yammersalot (not actual name but he does yammer...a lot.) proceeds to inform Commissioner Mannix about the murders are far too similar to a series of murders that remained unsolved in this area and his family is both ancient and practice medicine. So over port and cigars, he pitches a vampire theory as his family's historical accounts that happened in the land have laid out the deaths in that time period are identical to the ones they just found.  A 28 year occurrence within a 7 day period a murder happens.  Precisely 28 years separate these murders.

It Takes Two...to Murder.

With Count Oblensky (Wal Davis of A Virgin Among the Living Dead, La hiena, Yuka, El pez de los ojos de oro, Les gloutonnes and Cipolla Colt), living heir to the Winninger Estate which includes an ancestral castle filled with darkness and rumors of an ancient tale of unsolved murders in the area and surrounding lands. Well, that was fun. Pack it up, kiddies. We're leaving. Oh crap. It's only been 25 minutes. Grrr. After some research our young count comes to the conclusion that these murders are all possibly linked to the former Baron who resided in the castle at the time. Dinking around in the cellar/dungeons, he encounters a coffin with oddly enough, the very Baron his notes warned him about.

Chief of Police (Luis Induni of The Rape of the Sabine Women, Fall of the Mohicans, That Man in Instanbul and Transplant of a Brain) is chastising Commissioner Mannix and I will have none of that, dammit.

The evening shots were cracking me up. Not because it was a day for night filter, because that had excellent night lighting. No it was the public domain jungle noises they were using as background. Jungle noises....in the mountains of Germany. Yup that checks out fine. Also it sound like the foley arts guy is walking around a trail of shredded wheat with all this crunching.

OKAY! SPOILERS!!

Yeah I know I don't do this often any more but let's be honest, none of you are going to flock to your used bookstores, pawn shops or Wal-Mart to hope and pray you get a copy of this.

First off, no vampirism. To expand on this I mean no blood spilled, let or drained. Our vampire strangles people to death. Then we have an off-screen draining and a big ass hicky on the neck.

Secondly, our vampire has learned the mystic arts of invisiblity so it looks like a piss poor mime act gone horribly awry.

Third, yes there is titty. Now I know I covered that anyway but just making sure everyone was reading this.

Baron Throttles or Winninger if you prefer, is both a masochist and a sadist as he taunts the young count into staking him or the Baron cannot be held accountable for his actions. The actions he is doing of his own free will. HUH?! 

Why does Doctor Yammersalot's entire family history jot down murders for the last 300 plus years? Who is that morbid and/or bored?   How do you vampire if you never drink blood?  Who put the ram in the rama-lam-ding-dong?

So yes this was long, dull and no vampire action to be had. We have so many plot holes, it's like dodging turds on the grounds of a dog park. Eventually you'll step in one and deal with the hassle of clean up. I have developed a new term. I call it: Bore Porn. No plot, poor character evolution, story lag but there's titty. BORE PORN!

If you have an unruly teen you need to get back in line, force this movie on them. If you now hate your best friend, subject them to this film. If the local church won't stop harassing you, force this movie on them.

Right, flashlight wards Mole People, cross for vampires.

The Vampire Happening

Back again. Today I am not looking towards sequels. Unbeknownst to you all, I purchased a 20 film pack of night stalkers. The Vampire. Yup I am diving into and seeing if this pack of flicks was worth the three dollars I spent on it. Even at 3 bucks I think I am still getting screwed. There are more than a few titles I recognize but this day's film gave the briefest of synopsis and looked a trifle bizarre. So here's hoping it isn't some foreign hardcore pornography...again.

This is The Vampire Happening a.k.a. Transylvania 1971

Really stretching my lower back, so thanks.

Directed in 1965 and released in 1971, this 6 year in the making West Germany film hails as a comedy and horror movie so that could be a good thing. With the tagline: The Adult Vampire Sex Comedy, I'm expecting penetration shots and prat falls.

At the helm is English cinematographer and director Freddie Francis (The Evil of Frankenstein, Traitor's Gate, The Psychopath, The Deadly Bees, They Came from Beyond Space, Dracula Has Risen from the Grave and The Creeping Flesh) and for those of you that are Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans, you will know The Deadly Bees uttered the line," Have you seen the dog's meat?" Interpret that however you see fit. 6 years to get off the ground you know it's gold or garbage.

Our movie opens on an airplane playing what looks to be a softcore porno. Yes there are kids on that flight so the weird shit-o-meter is banking to the right. Well okay the covers are over the actors and yes it does appear to not be flashing nudity so what do I know.

Attending this flight/strokefest is actress Bettie Williams (Pia Degermark of Elvira Madigan, The Looking Glass War, A Brief Season and The Vampire Happening) who by the strangest of circumstances (or crappy writing trope) has inherited a castle in Transylvania. As she is a direct descendant for the Baroness Catali who she shares a striking resemblance as well.   Ze German has landed!!

After a quick autograph we are treated to stop animation and opening credits with a Hammer Films worthy instrumental and orchestral number. Stop trying to gussy the flick up. Papa ain't buyin'.

Hold me closer, tiny caretaker.

As our protagonist drives to the castle, Nature keeps dropping roadblocks behind her like a boulder or a fallen tree.  COMEDY!  As this has a legendary Hammer Films director, maybe it will be a bit darker. However, our young impressionable American actress finds not everything in and out of the castle is as it appears. The castle's caretaker I guess is what is best to call him freaks the hell out as it would revealed that Betty is the spitting image of her great great grandmother Countess Clarimonde Catani and legends revile her as the most feared vampire of all.

As luck or a carefully placed written trope would have it; a monastery and all-girls school is conveniently next to the castle. Hedonistic vampire dream come true, right? A virulent vampire virus (I was just having fun with literation) begins to sweep the land. One of the derpy monks starts channeling his inner Crazy Ralph and not his Dr. Loomis like he should. Never go full Crazy Ralph.

Oh wait... I sense something. Yes, yes. It's that stupid question again. "Will there be titty?" Take heart, horny male readers. There's titty. The movie's staying power certainly isn't for the plot. We have a fair amount of topless nudity. It would appear my copy is also the unrated version, so a more detailed account of the orgy at the castle. Lucky me. Wee.

Hell at least the castle is real. You see American readers, across Europe and the British Isles, they have actual castles and no giant rodents or talking dogs in them. Sadly, I recognize the castle as it was in use for a raunchy sex comedy, Lady Dracula.

Castle Kreuzenstein in Austria. I like the way they say good bye. Also filmed there was the Mario Bava film, Baron Blood, Ken Annakin's The 5^th Musketeer and Dominic Sena's Season of the Witch with Nicholas Cage.

FILM FACTS!!!

Bad Dracula! Too Young, Brah!

And what vampire movie could this be without an appearance of Dracula? Yes we have a Dracula via Ferdy Mayne (The Fearless Vampire Killers, Hawk the Slayer, Death of a Centerfold: The Dorothy Stratten Story, Conan the Destroyer, Cagney & Lacey, Night Train of Terror, Howling II: Striba Bitch and Pirates). We cannot expect Christopher Lee every time as Dracula but I get the disappointment, folks. I do. Don't worry, more comic relief at the ready with a couple of vampire hunters that are... yeah they are definitely not Team Blade.

The composition is amazing by Jerry van Rooyen (Death on a Rainy Day, Succubus, Sadist Erotica, Kiss Me Monster and How Short Is the Time for Love) and the period piece costumes are bang on. Granted Pia is hardly ever in them but good that the costumers got some work to do and it wasn't all relied on the make up artists to cover asses. Pia also manages her duo roles with two really awful wigs. Looks like they killed some weasels, spray painted them and then with enough hairspray; made them stand at attention.

There's a horny schoolgirls subplot which is just to get them to fullfill their nudity clause. Seriously the school teacher is showing them the error of their wicked ways. With lots of spankings. Yup, shallow waters I be a traveling here.

Didn't get the best copy of this movie which would be the good folks at Anchor Bay. Nope, I gotta get more of my nemesis of repeated titles, the bane of any viewer's existence: Mill Creek Entertainment. Yup, my copy is grainy as the wheat fields of Kansas and the audio is mono. Can you believe those jackasses try to have one of my audio reviews yanked from YouTube?

In conclusion, our "film" is chockful of nudity after the 10 minute mark, hammy puns, obvious sight gags, a zany mistaken identity and...yeah it is pretty painful as a whole. I can't imagine who I would recommend this to.

If you need to torture convicts in GITMO, grab this flick. If you have given up on laughter and love, grab this flick.. If it's this movie or anything Rob Schneider has been in, grab this flick.

Meh, she's no Shannon Tweed.

Darkman II: The Return of Durant

Well after last write-up it was a sequel, I thought I would tackle another sequel and make it less painful than Ninja Death II. This time around we look at a Renaissance Pictures (Sam Raimi, Rob Tappert and Bruce Campbell's production company) continuation. This time however, Sam Raimi serves as Executive Producer this time, allowing director Bradford May (Fatal Friendship, Mortal Sins, Amy Fisher: My Story, Hawaii Five-O, Tremors TV, JAG, Supernatural and Reluctant Nanny) for time to shine. This is Darkman II: Return of Durant.

Them bandages itch my snout.

A quick recap as Peyton Westlake has had a makeover from Liam Neeson to Arnold Vosloo (Hard Target, The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, Warrior Angels, Agent Cody Banks, 24, Blood Diamond, NCIS and Green Lantern: Emerald Knights) as Westlake's former squat had been exposed by gangsters and most of the abandoned warehouse was destroyed.  Time for new digs as Westlake still fights crime from underground at an disused subway track as he continues to work on his formula for synthetic skin. Research is funded by criminal swag.  Hell given his access to superhuman levels of strength and his nerve endings aren't exactly connected, he can soak up a lot of damage.

Laz weapon or camcorder?

Still unable to get the skin to breach the 99 minute time frame, he has a mild temper tantrum when he sees a MacGuffin er um article of a one Dr. David Brinkman (Jesse Collins of Rin Tin Tin: K-9 Cop, The Santa Clause, Kung Fu: The Legend Continues, Ready or Not and Blaster's Universe) working a similar process but is able to make the photo-sensitivity of the cells and possibly a means to make the skin permanent.

With enough problems on the rise, another resurrection occurs as Robert Durant (Larry Drake of L.A. Law, Dr. Giggles, Star Trek: Voyager, Stargate SG-1, Dark Asylum, L.A. Law: The Movie, A Nero Wolfe Mystery, Paranoia, Prey, Inferno, Firefly and Justice League) awakes from his copter crash induced coma. Being back in action, running guns and drugs he says it's time for something new and improved.

He gets his thugs to release a mad scientist Hathaway (Lawrence Dane of Scanners, Happy Birthday to Me, Airwolf, Rolling Vengeance, Memories of Manon, Day One, The Red Green Show and Side Effects) to create particle beam rifles. Yeah energy guns. Too sci-fi? Hey somehow a sudden impact explosion via chopper didn't kill Durant. Don't cry disbelief now.

Don't forget my bunyans need working too, dear.

Brinkman and Westlake meet and decide to form a partnership but Brinkman is trying to keep the lights on to his building that ultimately he wants to build a workshop/research labs for scientists of all countries and disciplines to pool ideas to improve the world. Westlake is ready to get money for the building as a silent partner however, Durant is looking to use Brinkman's building as a new site to create his new weapons. He sends two bully boys give Brinkman an offer he can't refuse. A slight interaction of Brinkmans, David and sister Laurie (Renee O' Connor of Night Game, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, FBI: The Untold Stories, The Flood: Who Will Save Our Children?, Xena: Warrior Princess, Alien Apocalypse, Diamonds and Guns, Bitch Slap,Ark and Last Chance) to further exposition and Westlake can meet Laurie.

Durant was not pleased by Brinkman refusing to sell so he gets the chop and a bit of a TV movie explosion. Westlake pokes around to find Brinkman's research and find that David is missing his right ring finger, a signature of Durant. Now Westlake feels the need to protect Laurie in the way he couldn't for David. Time to break out the masks and dispense justice.

Will Westlake survive? Can Laurie be saved? Can Durant be put back in the dirt?

Now again as this is still in the same universe as the original film, "The City" is never named. Looks like Toronto or possibly Detroit. Arnold Vosloo does an excellent job of playing Westlake/Darkman and really paid attention to Liam's performances. With fish eyed lenses, random 45 degree angles and some excellent crane shots, this 93 minute film is rated R for the naughty language and violence. I think it a decent follow-up to the first film but I don't feel it surpasses it. Still plenty of fun to be had from it.

Just the two of us...we can make it if we try...