Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Misleading Title Week: Jaws 5 a.k.a. Cruel Jaws

Welcome one and all to Day 2 of Misleading Titles Week. Sad to say we are back in the hands of Italian designer impostor director/writer Bruno Mattei (Women's Prision Massacre, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, Robowar, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2, Shocking Dark and Born to Fight). Many of you that have read earlier weeks know I covered a few of his films that lift material, whole story lines or just music from more successful films. What say we take in a creature feature? A nefarious government conspiracy of a tiger shark genetically altered by the United States Navy to be a ruthless killing machine is now loose attacking the good citizens of Hampton Bay. This is Cruel Jaws a.k.a. Jaws 5 a.k.a. The Beast a.k.a. Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws.

Yes, I am a guy in a rubber suit. What of it??

With the coastal town of the fictitious town of Hampton Bay start losing vacationers left and right the wimpy Matt Hooper archetype Billy(Gregg Hood of Miami Models, Cruel Jaws and Spoken Mirrors) tells the mayor they have to close the beaches in spite of needing the tourists' dollars. Say... this sounds familiar doesn't it? Yeah, like a Peter Benchley novel perhaps. Sheriff Francis (David Luther of Only the Strong and Cruel Jaws) bypass getting a Quint and proceeds to try and close the beaches regardless what the mayor may think.

White Urkel.

The story keeps arching back to Dag (Richard Dew of Cruel Jaws, Assault on Devil's Island and Assault on Death Mountain) owner and operator of a Sea World knock-off (that has two whole dolphins and a seal)when he isn't out standing in for Hulk Hogan. Yeah this guy is a dead ringer. It is tiring work but not as much as it is to see his little girl Susy (Kirsten Urso of Cruel Jaws) to smile... and somehow fix her crippled legs. Yes, we have a heart choker handicapped character added to the alumni. Dag is up to his eyeballs in debt as he owes the landlord Lewis (George Barnes Jr. Of Extralarge: Black Magic, South Beach, Cruel Jaws, and DV8) fifteen years back rent. Meanwhile I get a note from my manager if I am three days late with my apartment's rent. Moving on, with the shark denier Mayor Godfrey makes his concerns known to shady landlord Lewis who scoffs at the mere possibility of the slightest notion of such a creature in warm waters as poppycock. Will the shark devour everyone in sight? Will Dag join with Billy and the Sheriff as their honorary Quint? Will they in fact "Need a bigger boat?"

A few nitpicks at this time. None of the stock footage lifted from Jaws and Jaws 2 meshes with the existing footage for a proper splice. Some of the footage is at night with the day shots of his actors and vice versa. I think Mattei may have also ripped off a rip-off of Jaws. Yeah not even The Last Shark with Vic Morrow and James Franciscus was safe from Bruno's fingers.

I was have expecting Devilfish and Up From the Depths to make an appearance with the stock footage. The goofs in this movie are to die for. Continuity went out the window along with integrity and originality. The size of the shark is constantly shifting from the Tiger shark it's supposed to be to a 35 foot Great White. The helicopter gets attacked by the shark when the pilot lets go of the throttle to point at the massive Great White (AGAIN) which would have made the copter crash or at the very least drop in the water. Our actors don't even have a fiberglass or rubber shark to shoot rifles and shotguns at. Of course, a Remington 12 gauge is a GUN FROM THE FUTURE according to Aliens 2 a.k.a. Shocking Dark so that may be too much to ask for. 

 Between lifting and speed up John Williams tempo theme of Jaws and the atrocious dialogue you will be in stitches as this would be an excellent movie for mocking at home. If you want danger, suspense and blood in the water... Go watch Jaws.

Quite a hardy handshake you got there, tiny dorkmeister.