Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Misleading Titles Week: Lady Terminator

Welcome back to Misleading Title Week. Thought we jump away from action genre for a bit as that has been done to death. This one seems a bit sci-fi fantasy meets action. Okay not a huge leap from it but more like a mild hop. Now for those of you that are familiar with this blog, you know I have sat through some horror flicks that have turned my stomach left, right and down the middle. In the latter sixties to the early seventies it seems to be a common re-occuring theme of attaching the word lady to titled characters of pre-existance. Lady Frankenstein, Lady Dracula, Lady Vengeance, Lady Blood, Lady Vampire, Lady Stay Dead... okay the last one doesn't work as well but my point is cashing on a popular theme by simply putting "Lady" in front of your title does not automatically give you a subgenre. This is Lady Terminator.

Those aren't Betty Davis eyes!

Hailing from Indonesia and sporting alternative titles such as: Shooting Star, Nasty Hunter, Terminator Woman and my personal favorite, The Revenge of the South Seas Queen you already get the vibe that we are not in for a moving pictures treat but more of a long, dull ride at the county fair. Our film opens with some psuedo-quasi Japanese folklore about a South Seas Queen who lures men to her castle, seduces them and then Death by Snu Snu! That's right, she boinks them to death and it is fairly bloody and a fair degree of nudity right from the get go. Well it is nice to see a film so honest they know their demographic.

She takes on a new lover that looks like a hybrid of Peter Coyote and Eric Roberts so it really is a 50/50 way his career will go. He takes away the queen's magic power by removing a fricking snake from her lady bits. How she stored that, what she was feeding it and why was that ever necessary to know is beyond me. I really could have lived without knowing this and I suspect now so could have you. The queen vows vengeance announcing she will come back into the future to slay her lover's great, great grandchild... unlike killing him outright like she did with all her other lovers and just jump cut teleports away. 100 years into THE FUTURE!!!!... we get a visit from the Queen in the form of her loveliness popping out of the waters in the sea after her spirit or essence takes over a young anthropologist student. With zombie, vampire and now evil spirits I have come to one conclusion. Avoid being an anthropologist! With taglines like: First She Mates, then she Terminates... we are in for a cinematic wonder.

Wow that is some serious decompression sex right there.

I'd give you names and movie titles of which the actors been in but truth be told I don't know anyone in this movie. This crapfest claims to be shot in Indonesia and completely throws me off why we combine an interesting mythos with Cameron's Terminator? Why not Ridley Scott's Legend? At least you have some Sci-fi Fantasy going there.

The English dubbing is so painful to hear as there is next to no emotional range in the actors' voices. Seriously, it feels like I am watching Resident Evil the video game. Any minute I was expecting "Snake" the mullet wearing cop to say "Jill Sandwich or Master of Unlocking"... you know, all the classic lines. Loved how he just happen to have in his UNLOCKED car, a fully automatic M-16 sitting on the seat. Dude I have had tape and CD decks that don't last long in certain neighborhoods.

So towards to 20 minute mark of the movie, the queen returns in the guise of an actress that walks like she is either cramping or trying to keep from pooping her taunt black leather pants. One minute she has the normal walk of a seductive woman and the next she is stiff and moves with the grace of Robocop. Shot for shot on an even smaller shoe string budget, the film attempts to duplicate Arnold's cold and methodical killer from shooting up the night club to driving recklessly on the freeway with explosives. With topless meditation scenes and hard hitting action sequences I'm starting to wonder has the movie lost sight of its main objective?

I really tried to think of anything good to say about this movie... um eventually it ends and the beginning's title font was nice.

Kyle Reese is Mullet Man!!