Friday, July 31, 2015

Adrian Paul Week: Deadly Descent

A fine hello there and greetings for Day 5 of Adrian Paul Week. Well we have seen some thrills, chills, spills and more of Paul's tone body than I am comfortable with. I am delving into a realm though I am not thrilled with and no it is not some gay porn with an Adrian Paul lookalike. Fool me thrice and all that. This time I speak of a channel that once entertained me to no end and then like its programming, its name changed and yes I speak of the Siffy Channel...I mean the SyFy Channel.  And what would be the icing on the cake for that Sy Fy Saturday movie but a creature feature with Adrian Paul???? Sayeth whaaaaat??? Finally the cherry on top , a yeti movie. This is Deadly Descent.

You kids settle down in the back or I am pulling over and we can just wait.

Filmed in Bulgaria, our film has 6 alternative English titles so already I am getting sweet, sweet vibes there my friends. Two guys go hiking in the remote mountain range and engage in idle chatter. One tires and the other heads up. Suddenly the rope goes taunt, slack then falls to the ground "Pete, you okay?" is now classified as extremely dumb question. Pete's buddy Brian (Chuck Campbell of In the Mouth of Madness, Jason X, Stargate: Atlantis and Sanctuary) makes a hybrid of terrified beyond rational fear and "O" face to what I can only describe as a creature of CGI that looks like a mixture of the Nightmare Creatures PC/Console game in 1997 and a dino dropping. That is one big pile of sh*t.

Cut to tense typing on a laptop and pseudo-industrial music, GPS mapping and equipment montage as Brian is... alive? Huh?? Looking like a man on a mission maybe he has something to prove to our poop yetis. Flying Brian over in this very remote mountain range is our pilot former Special Forces Mark Foster (Adrian Paul of... oh for crying out loud I think we have some idea what he has done.) Brian strapped with a Glock 20 wants to find out once and for all what really happened to his father after all... this three minutes lapse. Mark not thrilled about dropping Brian off, does his level best to not interfere with a man and his destiny to be yeti poops.

Must...not...look at cleavage.

Some time lapse skiing and a wee bit of decent composure by reality TV music producer Christopher Holden (Dinner, The Amazing Race, Toddlers and Tiaras and Weed Country) Brian follows the lightest tracks I have ever seen laid in the snow. I swear a gaggle of rabbits made that impact.

Waking bright and early Brian's sister Nina (Lauren O' Neil of The Bill, The Symmetry of Love, The Domino Effect, The Humpersnatch Case and Perseveration) realizing she cannot get in touch with Brian senses danger and gets Park and Rescue right on the case. Will that be enough? Nina reaches out to her brother's old unit and his buddy Rick (Nicholas Boulton of Firma, Doctor Who, Heroes and Villains, Doctors and Dragon Age: Origins) present a lot of exposition about Brian and the war days. Mark wanders in the bar and drops enough elucidation on his own chopper experience and how tight he and Brian are. He was the best damn pilot until... the accident. So to sum up, we have one guy missing, an impeding storm and more subplots floating around than a school of piranha salivating over the cow with the broken leg. Rick volunteers his old crew to go search for Brian but with the storm on the rise and the creatures roaming about, who can say if they will find Brian in time?

A few critiques now. I am supposed to buy that have of these fresh faced, manicured boys are soldiers? Watching them do weapons and equipment check brought tears of laughter to my eyes. They look so pampered and delicate, I feared for the giggles to reach up again. The constant flinching while firing guns.  It looks like little kids playing Army.  Beyond a firearms instructor, no one sprung for a drill instructor for cover, carry and concealment.  No flanking or proper defensive and offensive posturing and a bloody civvie is tell you this!!!!!

While our Search and Rescue guys are clearly locals of Bulgaria and have been horribly dubbed over they have some decent moves on the slopes no doubt. Dielsport and Columbia winter wear must have just made mad bank off of this POS.

Yeah this was the death of painful stick beatings.

Man, those honey badgers look pissed!