Well with a charming title like Laid to
Rest clearly we are in for a light-hearted romp and love’s gain and
lost, or we have a graphic slasher movie with maybe a plot twist.
Strap on your Hazmat suits as we wade through this brilliant piece of
work.
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| Hmm so this isn't a rom-com then? |
Laid to Rest is directed and written
by (Robert Hall of Lightning Bug and ChromeSkull: Laid
to Rest 2) Our opening credits have choppy intros of girls of
various ages screaming as being attacked and our villain cleaning and
prepping his tools that allot his dastardly deeds. All under the
score of a bass guitar and mixing board. Apparently the modern
horror film requires some kickin’ bass. The sadist seems to
record his kills so he must be going after dumb white chicks. You
know the ones that are very prevalent in these films? I think there
is a cloning facility or breeding farm for these women. Our female
lead (Bobbi Sue Luther of Come as You Are, Deuce Bigalow:
European Gigolo and the infamous Enterprise Season 4 episode as a
Orion slave girl) awakens in a casket. Frankly in my opinion
that would have been the better intro right there. Wobbly, confused
and flustered she flips the casket which locks must have been made
out of wheat thins it popped open so quickly, she stumbles around the
mortuary looking for an exit. So traumatic was her previous
experience she needs to see 911 before she calls it.
After realizing
she is in a morgue, she gets spooked momentarily by B movie horror
man himself (Richard Lynch of Puppet Masters III: Toulon’s
Revenge, Necronomicon: Book of the Dead, Werewolf) who offers
to get her out but is immediately gacked but a sharp object that
makes him upchuck fake blood he must have been storing in his cheeks
like a squirrel with nuts. The killer snatches the keys for the door
only to be clocked with said door by the girl. She briskly jogs to
safety in slow motion and at the 7:37 min mark we have our title pop
up. Just strikes me as odd to name a movie after a Lamb of God song
but hey not judging. On what can only be a disused road, she
encounters Tucker (Kevin Gage of Heat Strangeland and Blow)
who pulls up in his SUV offering her a lift. Yeah, that is quite the
gentleman to go out of his way of a buxom girl. After conveying her
story to Tucker he takes her home to his wife Cindy (Lena
Headey of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles and 300) to
see if she can make sense of the girl. The girl claims no memory of
anything except being stuck in a box and waking up around dead people
and waffles through her lines with well practice verse. My walking
stick isn’t as wooden as her acting.
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| Eww, he didn't wash his gloves. |
After conversing with the
girl, the two tell her that she can stay the night, get a shower,
sleep and they will get the sheriff in the morning with the help of
Cindy’s brother Johnny. For some reason Tucker and Cindy does not
have a phone in their Podunk farm house, which would put me at ease
with strangers too. Showering and sorry guys not a lot of flashing
there, the girl notices an injury on the back of her head. Cindy
comes in the bathroom to find the girl in the fetal position scared
out of her mind. The two settle down for the night and Tucker hears
the girl with jitters. Tucker cleans up her head wound and they try
to figure out a name for her for the time being. A doll comes to her
mind named Princess Gemstone so Princess it is. Thank God she
didn’t remember her troll doll.
Tucker goes back into his bedroom to
find the door jammed and his wife missing. Princess and Tucker run
outside to find Cindy in the killer with the chrome plated skull mask
quietly demands Princess in exchange for Cindy. I guess Tucker took
too long to make his case because Chrome Skull (God I can feel my
I.Q. lessening just typing that name) pins Cindy’s head to the
side of the house and attack Tucker. Tucker breaks off a piece of
his walking cane into Chrome Skull’s shoulder, thus allowing
Princess and Tucker time to escape. I will give our serial nut props
for having a shoulder rigged camera mount on his best duds. Slash
with one arm; catch the action with the other. Brother Johnny
(Johnathon Schaech of That Thing You Do, The Forsaken)
and girlfriend Jamie (Jana Kramer of Click and Prom Night
remake) show up to the house and Johnny is convinced Tucker
is screwing around on Cindy. They both spot a car that is not
Cindy’s or Tucker’s and Johnny leaves his girlfriend
(unprotected) to investigate. Jinkies, does anyone else smell
another murder? Heading back to Jamie, Johnny and she have a tender
heart to heart and then he gets a blade driven in his face and sliced
off. That is either an amazing edge or Chrome Skull has a serious
build and no qualms about gore. Jamie blows eardrums with her Jamie
Lee Curtis impression and attempts to flee only to get her stomach
split open and her intestinal tract spills out along with God only
knows how much caro syrup and food dye. Tucker and Princess go
about a mile or two down the road to the neighbor Steve’s house.
Princess babbles to Steven (Sean Whalen of Employee of the
Month and Halloween 2 remake) what’s going on and they need
to get the cops toot sweet. Steven apparently only gets porn er um I
mean he has only a modem to contact folks. Yeah not even a landline
or cell tower for these people. Slasher Bait!!! Steven and Tucker
burn the two minute oil and try to figure out the killer and if
anyone knows about him. The FBI most wanted list (which we are
not allowed to see much) reveals this lunatic has been sending
videos of his 31 kills to the cops taunting them. The three of them
head to the Sheriff’s station and causally notice the Sheriff’s
car so they head into the station. Camera swivels spoils everything
by revealing blood splattered on the hood. The trio looks for the
Sheriff in this dimly lit environment, and spots a hand radio blaring
on. The sheriff’s voice tells them he is locked in a supply
closet. And in true Friday the 13th fashion they find the
deputy hoisted and strung up against the bars with his face mutilated
and low and behold the sheriff isn’t in the closet but dead in one
of the cells. Shiny boy pops out to slash Princess only to be stopped
by Tucker. Steven freaks and falls behind Princess and Tucker with
auto locking door from the inside? Disregarding physics and logic
Princess opens the door for Steven and he gets his leg slashed trying
to get away from Chrome who is apparently slower paced than a Romero
zombie.
The Sheriff was close to finding out
about Chrome Skull so he eliminates the mortician. Princess takes
off with Chrome’s car and makes her way to the mini-mart via GPS.
Chrome has two vehicles apparently; one being a hearse for toting
bodies links with the GPS NAV and follows Princess. They tussle and
he is out of tape to record the kill, demands she go and gets another
tape or he will go sick house on the two party boys and clerk. Will Princess evade Chrome Skull? Will we ever discover his true identity? Will Princess ever remember her own frickin' name and life?
So what have we learned here?
All this film told me is you had a
clever premise but went wackadoo with the gore. You have a serial
with the knowledge of field medic surgery; video and sound editing
that could mess with the minds of law enforcement without leaving a
trace of evidence? A man dispatching young women from ages 19 to 30 with less remorse than a farmer to the rabbit pen for stew. Why turn this into Hatchet? Buckets of Blood wasn't this bloody. Carrie didn't have this much
blood. Hell, the House of Wax remake had less gore gags and that was
puke worthy beyond Hilton's performance. This would have
made a great thriller but nooOOoooO…we've got appease the gore
fanatics.
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| Truck seats fold down... Just think it over. |
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