Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Gratuitous Gore Gag Week: Hatchet

Well you gore fans are going to want to take a gander at this flick.
Funny thing is I would get started to watch Hatchet a total of 5 times now and I always wound up getting busy on housework, cooking or some chore that took me away from the movie and then I would not have enough interest to pursue it. Well, tonight I popped it in and sat down getting ready to poke fun at it. For those that are not familiar with this gore phenomenon, Hatchet is written/directed by Adam Green. In his cast ensemble is the following three men of icon horror status. Robert England (Freddy of Nightmare on Elm Street, The Mangler ) Toddy Todd (Candyman and Final Destination 1through 3) and last but certainly not least Kane Hodder (Jason Vorhees of Friday the 13th part 7 to Jason X)



It's Mardi Gras time New Orleans baybee. The best time to get foolish, wasted and chase guys and girls. Alas not everyone feels that way in the form of Ben (Joel David Moore from Bones and Shark Night 3D) who is pining over his girlfriend of 8 years has dumped him and broken his heart and stomped his feelings and blah blahlook topless girl wanting beads! Okay to help him get over his moping around with 4 friends (one of which is the director playing a quick bit part, guess he is a Hitchcock fan) 3 of which get squat for lines except his buddy Marcus (Deon Richmond from Scream 3 and Van Wilder) . Ben talks Marcus into going on this haunted tour boat in the middle of the night. They drop by a shop and meet Reverend Zombie (Todd) who sends them to another tour boat guide. 

Craigslist is the debbil!!

Now the banter back and forth between two friends is decent so Green can actually write guys worth a damn. Our dynamic duo meet up with the tour guide along with a sleazy Girls Gone Crackers (Hey, I don’t want to get sued by that ass) film producer (Joel Murray of One Crazy Summer) and two aspiring actresses Misty (Mercedes McNab of Buffy and Angel) and Jenna (Joleigh Fioravanti of CSI Miami) and retired couple Jim (Richard Riehle of Office Space) and Shannon Permatteo (Patrika Darbo from George Carlin Show) and finally a loner girl Marybeth (Tamara Feldman from Supernatural and Perfect Stranger) The tour is off to the great expectations and journeys for what seems like hours and the sun fades to night. Seriously though, they are driving for some time before they even get to the fricking boat. 

Now to point out prior is two grisly murders happen before the opening credits start rolling and then the story starts to unfold slowly and I am thinking, “Oh God it is Shark Night 3D all over again.”
While I have nothing against a leisure pace in my slasher film you cannot start off the ball with gruesome murders that get the heart pumping good and hard and then take it down a notch and relax. That is a crap thing to do to the brain. Let’s get back to our fabulous cast of soon to be skewered shall we?

Tour guide Shawn (Parry Shen of Tru Calling) goes through accents more often than most men do socks, but that is on purpose according to the story. He proceeds to talk about a local legend named Victor Crawley that died in a fire, but his spirit remains in these very swamps and so on and so forth.
Bumbles McGoofus rams his tour boat over a rock and sinks the boat. Our intrepid cast has to get to shore just as the rain machine kicks in. Uncanny timing that rain, it is almost like it was a planned event. Minimum injury to the party except Wilford Brimley gets nailed by a gator only to be saved by Marybeth packing a Colt .45. Yes of course the pistol. Not the drink. Malt liquor is not a deterrent for gators. All ashore that fled to shore. 

Marybeth beings to unfold the gruesome legend of Victor Crawley, and fills in the gaps what all knowing tour guide was not made aware of. How a deformed child was tormented and taunted by kids and then in their high school years on Halloween they messed with him with firecrackers to get a look at him, the cabin caught on fire and Victor’s father came to rescue him only to hit his boy in the head with a hatchet by accident thus killing him. Oh FYI, one of the kids is wearing a pig mask and I started laughing. I could only think of Motel Hell. Our wayward party is all catching their breath in front of his very house.

I will say this for the movie. While the concept of a slasher movie is nothing original, the story itself was. A good cast, some decent camera work and lighting must have been a pain in the butt out in the swamp.
Granted, Crawley did have some Jason like qualities, his insane snarls and baying at the moon was kind of creepy. So if you want a nice throwback to the slasher genre and are not easily grossed out at the LARGE mass amount of gore and blood then this movie is for you.

Do not bring your sequels here!!!!