Well you gore fans are going to want to
take a gander at this flick.
Funny thing is I would get started to
watch Hatchet a total of 5 times now and I always wound up getting
busy on housework, cooking or some chore that took me away from the
movie and then I would not have enough interest to pursue it. Well,
tonight I popped it in and sat down getting ready to poke fun at it.
For those that are not familiar with this gore phenomenon, Hatchet
is written/directed by Adam Green. In his cast ensemble is the
following three men of icon horror status. Robert England
(Freddy of Nightmare on Elm Street, The Mangler )
Toddy Todd (Candyman and Final Destination 1through 3)
and last but certainly not least Kane Hodder (Jason Vorhees
of Friday the 13th part 7 to Jason X)
 |
| Scoob?? |
It's Mardi Gras time New Orleans
baybee. The best time to get foolish, wasted and chase guys and
girls. Alas not everyone feels that way in the form of Ben (Joel
David Moore from Bones and Shark Night 3D) who is pining over his
girlfriend of 8 years has dumped him and broken his heart and stomped
his feelings and blah blah…look topless girl wanting beads! Okay
to help him get over his moping around with 4 friends (one of
which is the director playing a quick bit part, guess he is a
Hitchcock fan) 3 of which get squat for lines except his buddy Marcus
(Deon Richmond from Scream 3 and Van Wilder) . Ben
talks Marcus into going on this haunted tour boat in the middle of
the night. They drop by a shop and meet Reverend Zombie (Todd) who
sends them to another tour boat guide.
 |
| Craigslist is the debbil!! |
Now the banter back and forth between
two friends is decent so Green can actually write guys worth a damn.
Our dynamic duo meet up with the tour guide along with a sleazy Girls
Gone Crackers (Hey, I don’t want to get sued by that ass) film
producer (Joel Murray of One Crazy Summer) and two aspiring
actresses Misty (Mercedes McNab of Buffy and Angel) and Jenna
(Joleigh Fioravanti of CSI Miami) and retired couple Jim
(Richard Riehle of Office Space) and Shannon Permatteo
(Patrika Darbo from George Carlin Show) and finally a loner
girl Marybeth (Tamara Feldman from Supernatural and Perfect
Stranger) The tour is off to the great expectations and
journeys for what seems like hours and the sun fades to night.
Seriously though, they are driving for some time before they even get
to the fricking boat.
Now to point out prior is two grisly
murders happen before the opening credits start rolling and then the
story starts to unfold slowly and I am thinking, “Oh God it is
Shark Night 3D all over again.”
While I have nothing against a leisure
pace in my slasher film you cannot start off the ball with gruesome
murders that get the heart pumping good and hard and then take it
down a notch and relax. That is a crap thing to do to the brain.
Let’s get back to our fabulous cast of soon to be skewered shall
we?
Tour guide Shawn (Parry Shen of Tru
Calling) goes through accents more often than most men do socks,
but that is on purpose according to the story. He proceeds to talk
about a local legend named Victor Crawley that died in a fire, but his
spirit remains in these very swamps and so on and so forth.
Bumbles McGoofus rams his tour boat
over a rock and sinks the boat. Our intrepid cast has to get to
shore just as the rain machine kicks in. Uncanny timing that rain,
it is almost like it was a planned event. Minimum injury to the
party except Wilford Brimley gets nailed by a gator only to be saved
by Marybeth packing a Colt .45. Yes of course the pistol. Not the
drink. Malt liquor is not a deterrent for gators. All ashore that
fled to shore.
Marybeth beings to unfold the gruesome
legend of Victor Crawley, and fills in the gaps what all knowing tour
guide was not made aware of. How a deformed child was tormented and
taunted by kids and then in their high school years on Halloween they
messed with him with firecrackers to get a look at him, the cabin
caught on fire and Victor’s father came to rescue him only to hit
his boy in the head with a hatchet by accident thus killing him. Oh
FYI, one of the kids is wearing a pig mask and I started laughing. I
could only think of Motel Hell. Our wayward party is all catching
their breath in front of his very house.
I will say this for the movie. While
the concept of a slasher movie is nothing original, the story itself
was. A good cast, some decent camera work and lighting must have
been a pain in the butt out in the swamp.
Granted, Crawley did have some Jason
like qualities, his insane snarls and baying at the moon was kind of
creepy. So if you want a nice throwback to the slasher genre and
are not easily grossed out at the LARGE mass amount of gore and blood
then this movie is for you.
 |
| Do not bring your sequels here!!!! |
No comments:
Post a Comment