Obscure Italian Horror: Beyond Darkness

Hey gang! Yeah I'm back for more Obscure Italian Horror movies. Say, what is more odd than a Lucio Fulchi movie? Well anything created solely by writer/director Claudio Fragasso (Monster Dog, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2, After Death, Troll 2 and The Squad). Claudio is responsible for several Bruno Mattei films via "writing". Bringing such goofiness as Hell of the Living Dead, Guardian of Hell, Women's Prison Massacre, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, Double Target, Robowar, Cop Game, Zombi 3 and Shocking Dark has been most of the knock offs that Horror, Action and Sci-fi has flooded the market for more than 30 years.

Our odd creation today is deemed an unofficial sequel due to mass distribution of a series of every five years to having translation errors that often occur. With the titles of Ghosthouse 2, Evil Dead 5, House 5 and Horror House II, it actually is no wonder most people cannot find this even at Wal-Mart. The most common official title of our movie is found in Amazon so by God let's go with that.  This is Beyond Darkness.

Kids, stop playing with dark forces and go take your baths.

First off, IMDB's synopsis is crap as our minister turns out to be a priest so already huge separation between Catholic and Protestant faith. Secondly, since when does a priest have a family?? Yup I was a trifle baffled at this. Father George (David Brandon of She, Cave Dwellers a.k.a. The Blade Master, The Lost City, Warrior Queen, Eleven Days, Eleven Nights and The Maharaja's Daughter) gives the last rites to a serial child killer and attends her execution. She claims to have devoured their souls and thus giving her power over the world. Her wacky Satanic bible apparently effects the father making him (ALL TOGETHER NOW) question his faith.

Father Peter (Gene Lebrock of Santa Barbara, Fortress of Amerikkka: The Mercenaries, Metamorphosis, Night of the Beast and Fatal Choice) moves his family into a less than savory house. Less all white exterior like say Amityville Horror but a house that definitely defies logic and registers at least a 8 on the Weird Crap 'O Meter.

The good father and his wife Annie (Barbara Bingham of The Octagon, Splitz, Death Mask, The Colbys, Real Men, Knots Landing, Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan and Cop Target) start to notice odd sounds and sights and begin to wonder if they got this house under other reasons. With a little background investigation (GOOGLE IT DAMMIT!!) we find out that the house was built on the same land when twenty witches lost their britches because all went up in flames via witch hunt and trials. 

 

Witch wardrobe brought to you by Glad bags.

It is almost as Father George's faith was the only thing keeping these maleficent spirits at bay as they are tormenting the family of which one of the children is none other than Michael Stephenson of Troll 2 and The Paper Brigade. Ahh Troll 2...what dog flop. George combines his forces with Peter and they are MEGA PRIEST!!! Actually they engage the spirits in the rites of exorcism but Mega Priest sounded cooler. Would have settled for Captain Catholic too. Can the padres duo banish the spirits?? Will their faith waiver?? Will Pazuzu of Exorcist II: The Heretic make an appearance?

Let's break it down. The practical appliances and effects aren't bad, just dated. A lot of dry ice and back lighting was used so you know there wasn't a huge budget and everyone is written like a one dimensional stereotype. Our pace is dragging so much that snails begin to lap us, the intentions and ideas behind this film clearly feel like they have been lifted from both Poltergeist and The Exorcist but poorly executed. It was said at one point, Fragasso's people tried to get Linda Blair into the project but she shot that down toot sweet. B- for effort, fellas but the lady can do more than spit pea soup. As far as DVD releases this seems to be only found as a double feature for George Eastman's Metamorphosis on Blu-ray. Yea not even a DVD release. 

Confessions of a Priest...The Behind Bars Edition!

 

Obscure Italian Horror: Beyond the Darkness

Okie dokie, I am back with the week called Obscure Italian Horror. Why this reference? Well I haven't received any new ideas so I found this flicks on the former Ban or Video Nasty list. How does that sound to me? Probably a world of pain and swallowing back vomit. This is Beyond the Darkness.

I sure hope my husband doesn't go nuts after my death.

Taxidermist Frank (Kieran Canter of Liebes Lager, Deep Thoughts, Erotic Flash, The Lonely Lady, The Rise of the Roman Empress, The Devil in Mr. Holmes and Una donna per tunni) seems to be an orphaned trust fund kid that like to work on exotic animals that may or may not be entirely legal but Italy is a bit leinent because...maybe he like the smell of dead animal in the morning. While moving a few dead critters, it is found out his wife Anna (Cinzia Monreale of Beyond the Darkness, Flatfoot on the Nile, The Beyond, The Sweet House of Horrors, Under the Skin and Dark Signal) is in the hospital at her literal deathbed. His housekeeper Iris (Franca Stoppi of Dog Lay Afternoon, Pasion, Guardian of Hell, Violence in a Woman's Prison, Women's Prison Massacre and La gorilla) blew off mentioning this to Frank as it slipped her mind... tee hee.

Frank rushes to the hospital in true slow motion allowed and arrives just in time as Anna is at her final moments. What does our grieving widower do? Why steals her body, stuff her full of sawdust in true Norman Bates fashion and keep her in the house obviously. It was about this time in the film I noticed that Frank might be a tad crackers but we all deal with loss differently. The healing process for Frank consists of picking up a random hitchhiker (Luica D' Elia of Take All of Me and Beyond the Darkness), letting her roam around his palatial pad and mutilating bit by bit then finishing off with an acid bath and having his housekeeper in the carnal sense???

Mmm, my love's heart is the tastiest!

Naturally this leads to picking up a jogger with a twisted ankle who looks like she just threw herself on the dirt. Guess the logic when like this: Hmm, that guy looks cute and maybe I will get in a nooner before work. Jogger girl (Anna Cardini of Tutto suo padre, Loggerheads, Delitto al ristorante cinese and Beyond Borders) by the by doesn't even have a name. Yup, three to five minutes of screen time and Frank is already attempting to plow her without any knowledge of who she is, does she have any hobbies, what her life goals are and so on. Proceeding said plowing on the bed of which still shares with his dead wife he bites out jogger girl's throat. Iris assists Frank in body disposal with a furnance...which begs the question, why didn't he dispose of the hitchhiker with this too? Oh right, he is kookier than a rat trapped in an outhouse.

The police actually noticed this girl's disappearance and is canvasing the area where she was last seen...around Frank's neighborhood...and Frank is twitchy. Nope, no clues here. Frank is visited by what he thinks is the ghost of Anna but no, she is her twin sister Elena. This clearly upsets Frank as his whacky new hobby of absconding strange women and killing them in bizarre fashions could be ruined so it is best to do her in too??

Iris preps the house for a party and randomly announces she and Frank are tying the knot and no one in the party could have looked more confused than Frank. So is this the weirdest flick by exploitation director Joe D' Amato (Porno Holocaust, Ator the Eagle, The Blade Master, Zombie 5: Killing Birds, The Hobgoblin and Deep Blood)? Will Frank lay low or will his blood lust rise again?

A few points of trivia. Yes the man that brought us this odd flick also created the Ator movies, one of which is also known as Cave Dwellers, the alternative title to The Blade Master. Today's film consists of alternative titles such as: Zombi 10, Bio Omega, House 6: El terror continua, Blue Holocaust, Demencia and Buried Alive.

The movie is fast paced, bizarre and offers a wide range of emotions but for God's sake DO NOT let the kids watch this and you may want to skip dinner while viewing this. My stomach has gotten fairly hardcore but there are a few scenes that made it skip, flip and churn so best to not tempt the fates or vomit. 

Oh those pushy hitchhikers.

Robowar

Back again ladies and gents and do I have an award-winning film I want to talk about. By award-winning I mean steady yourselves for a boat load of Razzies and fiery poops from Hell. This moving pictures was brought to us overseas via Italian exploitation director Bruno Mattei (Hell of the Living Dead, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, Cop Game, Zombi 3 and Terminator 2 a.k.a. Shocking Dark) who is known for lifting plot, music and even stock footage of existing films all the while hiding under pseudonyms to avoid lawsuits. I was dying when I discovered that Cruel Jaws a.k.a. Jaws 5 lifted footage from Jaws, Jaws 2 and the knock off Jaws films Mako: The Jaws of Death and The Last Shark. So what do I have for you today? How about a knock-off hybrid of The Predator and Robcop? This is Robowar.

JAKODAAAAAA!!!!!!!  Oh wait, wrong flick.

For a director whose stock-in-trade is women in prison flicks and blatant rip-off films involving sci-fi, action and horror, this movie should not have been a big shock to me and yet here we are. Leading a team of commandos in the bush (jungle! Stop being pervy!) Major Murphy Black (Reb Brown of Yor, Hunter of the Future, Uncommon Valor, Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf, Space Mutiny, Strike Commando,Cage and Night Claw) is recruited by the CIA to rescue hostages taken by guerilla fighters in a Central American country...hey doesn't this synopsis seem familiar?? I mean Arnold's name isn't on the box but gosh if this doesn't sound like the Predator. So Slab McBeef Large and his crew sneak into the jungle and you can tell this is a Mattei film. Not just for the low budget but once again he hires Italian Chuck Norris Massimo Vanni (The Last Shark, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Warriors of the Wasteland, Escape from the Bronx, Double Target, Cop Game, Zombi 3 and Shocking Dark) who I kid you not looks like a brunette Chuck. It is eerie.

Billy, you're on beer run and stop grinning!

 What is actually going on is our "Mac" knock off tells the team that a government engineered cyborg was set into the jungles to be tested out in real time, wipe out the guerrillas and assess his capabilities but due to plot device or sunspots, the remote link was severed and now he is blowing up stock footage of Double Target and Strike Commando. Once again, this an Italian film shot in the Phillipines so you know that if you trek 500 yards from this "movie set" you will run into the many fortresses used as Women in Prison films.

The biggest complaint of this movie is the early 80's synthesizer for our musical scoring. I feel like I am watching an episode of Miami Vice that Michael Mann didn't direct so you knew there was piss poor story and no Jan Hammer music. The action is fair, the acting competent and over all not bad if I hadn't seen the original inception I might actually enjoy this mindless blood and guts flick. Don't worry Reb Brown fans, our boy is still inhaling helium for his episodic and incoherent screaming...classics like "MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!!!", "GO, GO GO!!!" and my personal favorite of WAAAUGGGHH!!! But we kid Captain America of the 70's as he has a much better build than this writer hands down. Another so bad it's good. Penned by Claudio Fragasso (Women's Prison Massacre, Strike Commando, Shocking Dark, Zombi 3, Troll 2 and The 13^th Mission) you are in for many acquired line and cheesy delivery. Oh the only version I could find was with Filipino so yay me for international.

Screw this! I'm going to the Terminator 2 set!

A*P*E*

Hiyas kiddies! Did you miss me? No? Not even a little bit. Again, I stress if there is something you want me to review, all you need to do is to hit me up on Facebook via Rotten Reelz Reviews page and leave a suggestion. If needs be, I will create an e-mail solely for suggestions, comments and complaints. That being said however how about a King Kong knock off? Not enticing enough? Well if I through a giant killer great white shark, would that help? Still no? Alright dammit I am pulling out all the stops and aiding an enormous python as well. That clenched it. This is APE.

The suspense of a man in a gorilla suit vs a snake is killing me!

Okay let's get the alternative English titles out of the way because there are so many and each are a gem in of themselves. The New King Kong, Super Kong, Hideous Mutant, A*P*E*, The King Ape, A*P*E*: Attacking Primate Monster and my personal favorite that made me snicker; Attack of the Giant Horny Gorilla. No, I did not make up that title.

Brought to us by Kukje Movies in 1976 (Final Temptation, Cheondong, The Bloody Fist, Valley of the Wicked, Iron Will, Kung Fu Party and Two Sisters), a South Korean production company brings us the impeding terror that is APE... Shot primarily in Seoul and probably a few back lots and closed sets for the small scale footage, so expect a few goofs, some factual errors and more bad line English dubbing than most early Jackie Chan flicks. Normally I honestly try to be objective to most movies, even the ones I do not care for but every so often, I get one of these movies that make me want to pull my hair out. I suppose I should begin at the beginning then.

God, I hope that isn't a real, dead shark he is wrestling with.

If you will recall, many moons ago I reviewed Mighty Peking Man which was a rip-off of King Kong as well, and while the story wasn't to really take away from, nor was it original and genius, it still was vastly superior to this pile of monkey flop I felt was interesting today. While both films were cashing in on the 1975 remake starring Jeff Bridges, Charles Grodin and Jessica Lange, this was the most poorly executed, lower budget and having no idea how to scale items and creatures. I was baffled how a 36 foot ape is towering of a 20 story high rise. Whoops? Also what drags in the audience for a King Kong wannabe? Let's put it in 3-D! Ahh Styrofoam rocks are flying off the screen! Our movie opens up on a small scale freighter that looks like it is floating in a kiddie pool as apparently we have a group of sailors, great white hunters that have tagged and trapped our ape...totally off screen. You know, because that would have been interesting to view.

Our ADA recordings are so loud and we get so much static between lines it is actually painful to hear in mono. Riveting material aside, our creature finally starts wake from the "gas" they put him out with wears off pretty darn quick and there's a rumble at the high seas as a badly constructed and fake fur glued hand appears. The boat just up and explodes and maybe you shouldn't transport your giant apes next to that cargo hold full of nitroglycerin. Quick note, apes aren't known for their swimming ability at all. Looks like they raided a Wal-Greens for one of those cheaply made gorilla costumes and hoped that no one would see the Velcro portions in the back. For no reason other than Jaws hit the charts, the ape is combating a large shark for...reasons and proceeds to slap around said blatantly obvious rubber shark to a battle to the death. Also thank God he was so close to the shore, given most water is deeper than 36 feet as our annoyed simian makes his way to Korea to start his rampage. SOLDIERS LEAVE APE ALONE!..is what he would have said if given a voice for his rage.

Of course every giant ape needs a helpless blonde girl to scoop up and our visiting actress to South Korea is...Joanna Kerns from Growing Pains? Eh, beats working with Kirk Cameron. Oh this scene with kids sneaking into an amusement park which is vacant for no particular reason, you see our A*P*E* gawking longingly at the kids to the point I am calling a sex offender hot line. It had no real context to anything. He didn't trash the place or eat the little ones so overall no point to it.

This film is the reason of drinking games with your friends. Already I have seen enough guide lines(wires that keep an object, person or thing in frame of your shot) for the 3-D cheese to cause alcohol poisoning. With houses, buildings and even streets looking like they are painted cardboard and Styrofoam, it is no wonder than King Kong and Jaws were not threatened by this turd waffle. This film offers excellent material for riffing and outright mocking but aside from that, yeah don't bother with it.

Cold waters doesn't improve APE's disposition...or image.

900th Blog! Attack Force Z

Well it starts again...the week that is. Taking some obscure films to view this week because some have been impressive while others have been fairly crappy. Whether it is a toss of a coin or a role of the die it makes for an interesting experience. Initially I was looking to a character actor of the name of John Phillip Law (Smog, Death Rides a Horse, Danger: Diabolik, Barbarella, Skidoo, The Last Movie, Doctor Justice, Tarzan, The Ape Man and Space Mutiny) when I find he, like many of his peers was engaged to a war picture, this time it is a WWII movie but not in the typical sense of against the Germans. In fact commandos are making a search and rescue attempt for survivors of a downed plane courtesy of the Imperial Japanese Army. This is Attack Force Z.

That's right.  Still mad about the Goose.

A five man squad of the elite Z Special Unit or Z Force is a joint Australian, British and New Zealand commando unit that fought primarily against the Imperial Japanese Army, mostly doin recon and sabotage missions. Our team is led by the rookie officer Captain Paul Kelly (Mel Gibson of Mad Max, The Bounty, The River, Lethal Weapon, Braveheart, Signs and The Expendables 3) who is dispatched from a sub via kayaks. Yeah, these cats paddle almost five miles to the island, hit land and conceal their rides without even looking winded.

No sooner are the men on land that Kingo (John Waters of Rush, Breaker Morant, All Saints, Stealth, Underbelly and Offspring)takes a bullet right in the knee (insert Skyrim joke) thus shattering it. Not being able to carry on as well as he cannot be discovered by the Japanese, his mate Costello (Sam Neill of Amerika, Dead Calm, The Hunt for Red October, Until the End of the World, Jurassic Park, In the Mouth of Madness, Event Horizon and And Then There Were None) light and shares a smoke with Kingo, they chat a bit and then Costello offs him. Above all else the mission must remain secret. The remaining four five find a rice farmer to point them in the right direction and for his trouble he is also silenced.

I SAID, RADIO SILENCE!!!!

Our team have to navigate around the jungles of the island (Taiwan), evade the Japanese squads and find out if in fact there are any survivors of the plane crash. With time, lack of man and firepower, our boys are in a bit of a pickle. Can the fellas get in, get the survivors and be on their way?

A few bits of trivia about our movie now. The script was based on an actual commando raid called Project Opossum where a team of commandos snuck out a sultan from the Imperial Japanese Army held control over Ternate next to Borneo. The entire movie was constantly under the cruelty of Mother Nature as it rained almost the whole six weeks of production. This is the only war movie ever directed by Tim Burstall (Stork, Libido, Three Old Friends, End Play, The Last of the Knucklemen, Duet for Four, The Naked Country and Kangaroo).

Despite its dark tone, casual thought to the loss of human life and that these men had to just say the hell with feelings and compassion and be professional, this was an exciting movie, filled with action, tough calls and some decent delving into the human psyche. I am still snickering because Gibson and Neill look so damn baby faced in this 1982 creation.

Whadda mean wax on, wax off??!!  Just ain't funny, pal.

Turkish Spider-Man a.k.a. Three Giant Men

Heya folks, Rotten Reelz Reviews making a late appearance...again. Quick question, what do you get when you combine the star spangled avenger Captain America and what appears to be Samson the silvermask doing battle with a merciless, ruthless Spider-Man??? Well you get a confused as hell writer who thought this is such an obscure movie that it deserves a look-see. Yes, hailing from Turkey, imported to Chicken and served up on a bed of rice comes the film that...well maybe a handful of movie critics have debated about. This is 3 dev adam a.k.a. 3 Mighty Men a.k.a. Three Giant Men a.k.a. Captain America and Santo vs. Spider-Man.

Hmm, Spidey is looking a bit dumpy.

"What in the sam scratch is goin' on??!!" You may be asking yourself and me. Well simmer down and I will endeavor to explain. You see gentle readers, Turkey is known from the 70's and 80's to create knock off movies of popular American titles such as Star Wars, Rambo and even and I kid you not, I Spit on Your Grave. Their governmental censorship is so harsh that movies and TV show depicting nudity, smoking, drug use or even having some booze is always blurred to avoid obscene fines. Hell they can barely use the word gay and have to fall back on marginal. That being said, not all of our movies translate well or again too risque so they have cranked out a few cheapies at the ready for what makes for some interesting viewing if not great MST3K riffing.

Our story takes place in Istanbul where counterfeit dollars are being minted at the behest of Spider-Man (Teyfik Sen of Three Giant Men and Ugly World) and his nefarious Spider's gang...hmm lacks punch doesn't it? Web of Minions? Wall Crawling Weirdies?? Anywho, Spider-Man and his Infamous Friends smuggle artifacts from Turkey to the US of A to dealers and handles payoffs with the phony lettuce, see? J. Jonah Jameson was right, Spider-Man is a menace. Captain America (Aytekin Akkaya of The Dead Don't Talk, Three Giant Men, Yor, the Hunter from the Future and The Ark of the Sun God) is such the hero that his girlfriend infiltrates the Spider's gang and apparently he is completely cool with this. Y'know, it's just one of those things women do... join a den of thieves and murderers.

Hmm, my Tamagotchi died...again.

Moving on, Non-Agent Carter is getting the goods of Spider's gang when she is discovered. Captain America sans shield (the shield would have cost at least 200 bucks) and Santo (Yavuz Selekman of Tarzan the Mighty Man, The Legend of Ararat Mountain and Battal Gazi'nin Oglu) must manuever into Istanbul and break up the gang before any happens to girl whose name NEVER COMES UP. Seriously, they never give her name well enough and I am running on sub-titles here that have probably been poorly translated. And Cap needs a beefy Mexican wrestler to aid him in his time of need? Was Hulk, Thor, Wonder Man, Iron Man and hell even Moon Knight all busy??!!! The Beast was unclogging the drain that day?? The Vision got his with a DNSunlocker virus??!!!

Will Cap and Santo be able to thwart Spider-Man's plans??!!! Will JJ write a scathing editorial??

Folks, this is one of those flicks that you gawk at with your jaw agape and your mind confused. With a lot of the Turkish movies...editing isn't really an issue. Music scores with fade out in films, but in these they just stop dead. Stinger scores or dramatic music can go off and there is nothing dramatic going on. Entire scenes will have dialogue and then poof, piss poor translation to next scene so continuity feels like it went out the frickin window. Our movie is ideal for having a laugh around the living room or a college dorm drinking game. There is a degree of violence in it but nothing so stomach churning you wouldn't see in a TV show in the last 50 years. I think Chuck Connors' Branded or The Virginian is deemed more violent.

Yeesh, they went below budget for Civil War.

Animals

Well we are back and this time I am tackling a random title via werewolf movie that I have never heard of and that sound perfectly safe. After all, Vampire Chicks with Chainsaws certainly wasn't a vast disappointment...when it ended. Thankfully I recognize a few actors of this film so already I am feeling a bit better. Will this be an episodic primal level that was the original The Howling and An American Werewolf in London, or will I get something of The Howling II: Striba Bitch? This is Animals.

Geez, Buffy is drunk again.  Just run a tab. I'll pay it later.

We open with a narrative of animality vs humanity bringing us right to our opening credits. A quick pace perhaps but we'll just have to see. Our story focuses mostly on Jarrett (Marc Blucas of Summer Catch, We Were Soldiers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, First Daughter, After Sex, Knight and Day, Necessary Roughness and Blue Bloods) who peaked in his high school football days, now spends his time working a crappy job busting rock at a concrete plant, getting hammered at the bar his buddy runs. Jarrett's football days ended when he got injured against the Eagles and he had no further plans in life. This particular night the fish aren't really biting when through the door walks in Nora (Nicki Aycox of Providence, Jeepers Creepers II, Ed, Over There, The X-Files: I Want to Believe, Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead, Supernatural and The Employer) with a sultry look, a devil may care attitude and screams trouble.

Is that Oil of Olay? 

Our little Nora apparently likes a good hunt as seen prior with these Girls Gone Wild schmucks conning her in Reno to get busy on camera. Let's just say the unedited footage might not be for any viewers that weren't heading for torture porn in the first place. That's not really Nora's problem though. Her biggest problem is her on again, off again mad as a box of cats boyfriend Vic (Naveen Andrews of Lost, The Ten Commandments, Planet Terror, Sinbad, Once Upon a Time in Wonderland and Sense8). Vic is brutal, vicious and quite possibly exudes more pheromones than most males. Understandable when (SPOILER) he happens to be a lycanthrope. Nora has attempted to leave him many times but he always ends up tracking her down and cutting a bloody swathe while doing it. Nora saunters in the bar and you already get the vibe she is on the prowl. Maybe for a meal and some company or maybe to embrace the beast within. Jarrett notices her but doesn't register that she would want him for anything aside from lugging firewood.

Taking the goof back they get a bit freaky when she bites Jarrett and then the real fun begins. What's interesting about this movie its the pace and tension does not sway, giving life to humanity struggling to keep that ever-lurking beast at bay. I am expecting Dark Wolf all over again, jiggly girls and really bad CGI but instead of that, we get a surprisingly suspenseful thriller with hints of passion and intelligently written. Will Jarrett be able to fight off his new urges and handle Vic or will Vic slaughter everyone Jarret holds dear?

Not gonna lie here, there are problems with the movie. First 30 minutes feels a bit off and establishing characters is not a big priority aside from Vic bad and Jarret good fella. Not a huge fan of this weird CGI fish eye lens as the predator POV shot but that was their spin on it instead the cliche red lens on the camera. These blues and greens were an odd choice. That being said, Andrews steals the show as Vic and Blucas stuns me with his range of emotions in this film, I honestly thought he was just going to deliver dialogue with a stoic expression on his face, courtesy of the Keanu Reeves Range of Emotion School but he really impressed the hell out of me. Yes guys, there is gore. The red runs enough to feed a colony of vampires and yes there is some nudity so you are starved there either. It's clever and brings a different light on werewolves which I haven't seen successfully done in a while.

TUMMY RUMBLY!!!!

Vampire Chicks with Chainsaws...no, really.

Hiya gang. Y'know I am no stranger to power tools and mutilations, right? The fact that a myriad of such home improvement apparatus used on creatures, sex starved teens and even a more than a plethora of deadites throughout the films I have either enjoyed with friends and family as well as some of the cankerous piles of congealed monkey vomit I have endured for this blog. So when you pick a title so far removed from the typical, you kind of deserve everything you get, correct?

Well this turdwaffle flew out of the screen and ulcerated my soul for the day so feel free to duck because there is some petty rage heading. This is (can't believe I am writing this title) Vampire Chicks with Chainsaws.

Behold the awesome power of...Debbie.

Now I would like to think for the most part, I try to remain objective to all the films I watch, but there are times and films when that is physically, psychologically and spiritually IMPOSSIBLE! When I have sat through nickel and dime films like Camp Blood, Zombies Vs Vampire and hell let's toss in that Bloodlust flick, these movies do not have much going for them. Maybe decent camera work. Perhaps an actor actually attempted to emote for this film or my personal favorite when these shoestring budgeters do not rely entirely on nudity. That being said, our VAMPIRE movie is primarily under the cover of mid-afternoon...when the creatures of the night are awake? Look, this is not the first non-budget flick I have endured. Remember Platoon of the Dead with the store bought Stormtrooper blasters, ketchup and oatmeal zombie effects?!! You have any idea what kind of therapy is required to get over that??!! Me either. I more or less forgot about it until this cheeseball movie. Also everything that has ever been written about the mythos of vampires is completely wrong according to brainchild writer/editor/director Carlos Don Diego whose very name sounds like he should be freeing Mexico from the Spaniards on a black horse, bullwhip and saber.

Ax-Man!

Grab yer hip waders because in we go. Our moving picture opens with a Sony purchased metal music score with a Native American cat in a black trench totting a Spas shotgun that screams I am an Airsoft gun. Chased by what looks like twin skinheads in the woods for no doubt eyeing their lemon drink. Punishment is death of course. In fact, he seems to be leading this half-assed team into the woods. Spoiler! Get used to seeing a lot of the woods.

Ancient spirits tell him.. well nothing according the soundtrack and none these guys look like they even had a crash course with a local S.W.A.T. Which actually makes your film a teensy bit more impressive if your characters look like they know how to handle a gun and rifle. Decent enough hand held drags one of the good ole boys offer to Sega Genesis 1993 Jurassic Park raptor sound effects so you know he's in trouble. The three are dispatched squirting Kool-Aid Ecto Cooler, possibly a lesser shampoo under the terrifying time of about 5 at night.

Hillbilly extrordinare Quinn Ash (Adam Abram of The Collectors, The Eleventh Hour, SAGA: Curse of the Shadow and One Shot) has a poorly ADA recording for a narrative and saws up some trees describing his sad existence. The metaphors and idioms are so blase you kind of wish to be deaf at this point. FYI, this is our third bald headed guy, I guess there was a quota or long hair is for sissies. Not sure. His trailer looks like it was abandoned 10 years prior. I am convinced there are the corpses of dead raccoon in it and they couldn't afford to lease one for the film.

After handing off the divorce papers for his ex-wife and her goofball redneck, our protagonist accidentally runs over a girl? Smooth move there. The girl jumps up and injects him with some sort of drug, warns him off about Karel will kill him to get what she has given him, bolts for the thick underbrush to be abushed by 4 scrawny looking guys with guns. What is Quinn to do? Other than pants them all, give them rope burns and make them cry.

Our movie drags for 17 minutes and then out of nowhere the vampire "chicks" with chainsaws just attack. Screw having the strength to punch through walls, best dice them up with with a McCulloch! A brand they couldn't afford again. Most of these chainsaws look like hedge trimmers. A vixen with bad highlights and for some reason in vinyl and pleather attacks our "hero" with several punches and kicks but doesn't gut him with...hmm maybe a CHAINSAW??!!!! Trailing down our doofus takes over 15 minutes and this damn narrative is back, capturing him are four scantily clad vampires lead by Karel (Jenna Lisonbee of Take a Chance, Vampire Chicks with Chainsaws, CTU: Provo and 1900 Joe). Around of being a punching bag for another 5 minutes, Quinn figures out they do not want him for a booty call. The gist is warring factions of the Chainsaw Chippies vs the Outlanders (Insert Children of the Corn joke) have been preying on each other for centuries blah blah Underworld did it better and apparently whatever the girl injected into Quinn can actually dispatch vampires forever...and yeah I was bored out of my skull for 93 minutes.

Sorry sexist pig folk, no nudity and the gore scenes are ratcheted down...guessing they didn't have the skill set, jump cuts or knew how to make proper fake blood. Karo and black food dye!!!

So if you like aliens, vampire girls and bald headed doofs, have at this stink nugget. You can probably find it on Youtube for a tooter and a titter.

There can be only one, Josie!

Fallout 4!

Hi there folks. Back again with a review. Yes I thought that would be surprising. This time around though we are going to enjoy the post apocalypse again but courtesy of Bethesada Softworks in continuing the existing series. With all the super mutants, screwy robots and more crazed cults and raiders at the ready. This is Fallout 4.

I'm gonna need a bigger gun.

This time around we make our way to Massachusetts' very own Commonwealth of Boston. You are a parent and spouse in the year 2077 after the last war. You are set to deliver a speech for your surviving unit and hope to establish some compassion. As a father/mother you have a newborn month old son you have named Shaun. With your Mr. Handy Codsworth assisting your new bundle, life is pretty good. Why there is even an underground vault in your neighborhood fully built just in case of nuclear fallout. Vault 111 is ready to go as a Vault-Tec sales rep reserves you and your family for a spot as you are a former soldier with time served. Well having a little insurance isn't a bad thing and offers peace of mind...until your TV report exclaims ICBMs (Intercontinental Ballistic Missile)have been launched for key locations in the US.

You grab your little one and spouse and run like hell is nipping at your feet. Vault-Tec preps you all for decontamination is a suspicious looking chamber but before you know it, you are cryogenic frozen. Time passes and you see a gunman and two techs making off with your baby and shooting your spouse. You pass out due to the cryo cooling you. Next thing you know alarms are going off, your cryo pod releases you as you rush to your wife/husband who has sadly died. You have a son to find. The world has completely trashed and left in ruins. Your home, neighborhood in Sanctuary Hills and even your Mr. Handy bot has all aged and dilapidated. Codsworth tells you it has been over 200 years since you went to the vault. Somehow you must tread these old streets and find your son at all costs.

JETPACK!!!

Unlike the first 4 games, we have never seen the life prior the nuclear fallout with a future technological amazement with a 1950s revival appearance in vehicles, clothes, music and lingo. Following as the fifth game of this series this action RPG that can be first or third-person view with combat and it is open ended allowing to walk all over the map. Power armor is littered all over the Commonwealth giving you a bit more speed than just running across the road, increases strength and armored to handle incoming bullets, laser and plasma blasts.

Well the pros and cons have to be addressed about this game to give it an objective look. The pros are such: Multiple weapons that can be modified and improved, armor that can save you and your companions, dialogue options making the game go in different directions and a voice cast that brings these beings to life. The graphics really sell the show and the lip syncing was damn impressive.

The cons however are thus: Loading screens take anywhere from 30 seconds to maybe up to 5 minutes. The lag between entering different buildings, floors or locations can drag in the similar fashion. Sexual nature of your character has to be heterosexual unlike Fallout: New Vegas, given you gay, bi-sexual and hetro options. Locking up is also not uncommon as it has been for the entire series but bugs will be bugs. You always seem to have to sign on to one faction or another because you against the world is...odd? No clue there. In spite of the lagging and error hiccups the re-play-ability is there, I have had this game since November, and still haven't found every last location in the game. The funniest part of this game is shaping, coloring and altering your character's face and body to how you want your character to look like. People have been known to spend way too much time on it.

Nick picking...the lock.

The Flash Season 1

Hey there folks! Welcome back to my rambling...oh wait that is the podcast. Be that as it may, are you superhero fans? Do you like the idea for live action incorporation of the characters on film and TV? Let's face it, since Blade and X-Men we have been living the superhero craziness and overall they have been enjoyable. Yes there is more than a handful we could all grump, bitch and complain about but the general vibe is superheroes are still cool. That being said, you have to give the love to DC comics bringing Green Arrow from Arrow, Supergirl from Supergirl and even Gotham some props that they deserve. The biggest draw thus far has been the Scarlet Speedster himself the Flash. This is The Flash Season 1.

Yes my outfit looks a little silly.

We catch back with Barry Allen (Grant Gustin of CSI: Miami, 90210, Glee, Vixen and Arrow) almost a year after STAR labs particle accelerator accident caused a massive surge of engeries across Central City and rendered Barry unconscious from it. Nine months after the accident, Barry wakes up to find the city is pretty much the same, his job still being there and his adopted family has been concerned for him. His impromptu dad, Detective Joe West (Jesse L. Martin of Ally McBeal, Law & Order, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Joyful Noise, Puncture and Smash) has a new partner Eddie (Rick Cosnett of The Trojan Horse, The Vampire Diaries, Quantico and Skybound) who happens to be dating Barry's best friend, surrogate sister and love of his life Iris (Candice Patton of The Young and the Restless, Sorority Forever, Entourage, The Game and The Flash).

So why can't I be hot and nerdy like you, Bethany?

Barry starts seeing things happen quicker, moving faster than he ever has and in general is disturbed by it. Going back to STAR labs he meets the team of scientists that have been watching over him since the accident. Biochemist Dr. Bethany Snow (Danielle Panabaker of Sky High, Home of the Giants, Shark, The Crazies, The Ward, Friday the 13^th, Bones and Necessary Roughness), electronics engineer Cisco Ramone (Carlos Valdes of Arrow, Vixen and The Flash) and founder of STAR Labs Dr. Harrison Wells (Tom Cavangh of Bang Bang You're Dead, Ed, Love Monkey, Two Weeks, Eli Stone and Scrubs). With a bit of testing and work up they find out that Barry has developed superhuman speed and accelerated healing from such.

After having a heart to heart with the Arrow, Barry decides to become a hero to thwart crime in a way that being a CSI never allowed him to. Take care of fires, bank heists and overall bad men and women in a flash. But with every hero must be a cadre of villains. A rogues' gallery if you will and boy I never thought you could make Captain Cold cool. Wentworth Miller of Prison Break manages this well as well as his co-star Dominic Purcell of Blade Trinity and Prison Break as the pyromaniac Heatwave.

Can the Flash speed through whatever is thrown at him or will be come in dead last?

Okay fan boys and girls, yes a few things have been altered to fit a soap opera format... get over it. You nitpick about all the show isn't and you will not enjoy a thing of it. Gustin delivers with a warm, trusting heart and still bops the baddies. Hell Ollie is darker than the comic character is and this is also an fun show. We even have some reprises from the original 1990 series as John Wesley Shipp plays Barry's dad wrongfully accused of being his wife's murderer. He played Barry/Flash in the day. We get a visit of The Trickster via Mark Hamil who looks bonkers and even Amanda Pays who played Dr. Tina McGee in the 1990 series so there is fun to be had and a new generation of heroes to be seen and heard.

Those aren't Betty Davis eyes!