Gratuitous Gore Gag Week: Hatchet

Well you gore fans are going to want to take a gander at this flick.

Funny thing is I would get started to watch Hatchet a total of 5 times now and I always wound up getting busy on housework, cooking or some chore that took me away from the movie and then I would not have enough interest to pursue it. Well, tonight I popped it in and sat down getting ready to poke fun at it. For those that are not familiar with this gore phenomenon, Hatchet is written/directed by Adam Green. In his cast ensemble is the following three men of icon horror status. Robert England (Freddy of Nightmare on Elm Street, The Mangler ) Toddy Todd (Candyman and Final Destination 1through 3) and last but certainly not least Kane Hodder (Jason Vorhees of Friday the 13^th part 7 to Jason X)

Scoob??

 

It's Mardi Gras time New Orleans baybee. The best time to get foolish, wasted and chase guys and girls. Alas not everyone feels that way in the form of Ben (Joel David Moore from Bones and Shark Night 3D) who is pining over his girlfriend of 8 years has dumped him and broken his heart and stomped his feelings and blah blah…look topless girl wanting beads! Okay to help him get over his moping around with 4 friends (one of which is the director playing a quick bit part, guess he is a Hitchcock fan) 3 of which get squat for lines except his buddy Marcus (Deon Richmond from Scream 3 and Van Wilder) . Ben talks Marcus into going on this haunted tour boat in the middle of the night. They drop by a shop and meet Reverend Zombie (Todd) who sends them to another tour boat guide. 

Craigslist is the debbil!!

Now the banter back and forth between two friends is decent so Green can actually write guys worth a damn. Our dynamic duo meet up with the tour guide along with a sleazy Girls Gone Crackers (Hey, I don’t want to get sued by that ass) film producer (Joel Murray of One Crazy Summer) and two aspiring actresses Misty (Mercedes McNab of Buffy and Angel) and Jenna (Joleigh Fioravanti of CSI Miami) and retired couple Jim (Richard Riehle of Office Space) and Shannon Permatteo (Patrika Darbo from George Carlin Show) and finally a loner girl Marybeth (Tamara Feldman from Supernatural and Perfect Stranger) The tour is off to the great expectations and journeys for what seems like hours and the sun fades to night. Seriously though, they are driving for some time before they even get to the fricking boat. 

Now to point out prior is two grisly murders happen before the opening credits start rolling and then the story starts to unfold slowly and I am thinking, “Oh God it is Shark Night 3D all over again.”

While I have nothing against a leisure pace in my slasher film you cannot start off the ball with gruesome murders that get the heart pumping good and hard and then take it down a notch and relax. That is a crap thing to do to the brain. Let’s get back to our fabulous cast of soon to be skewered shall we?

Tour guide Shawn (Parry Shen of Tru Calling) goes through accents more often than most men do socks, but that is on purpose according to the story. He proceeds to talk about a local legend named Victor Crawley that died in a fire, but his spirit remains in these very swamps and so on and so forth.

Bumbles McGoofus rams his tour boat over a rock and sinks the boat. Our intrepid cast has to get to shore just as the rain machine kicks in. Uncanny timing that rain, it is almost like it was a planned event. Minimum injury to the party except Wilford Brimley gets nailed by a gator only to be saved by Marybeth packing a Colt .45. Yes of course the pistol. Not the drink. Malt liquor is not a deterrent for gators. All ashore that fled to shore. 

Marybeth beings to unfold the gruesome legend of Victor Crawley, and fills in the gaps what all knowing tour guide was not made aware of. How a deformed child was tormented and taunted by kids and then in their high school years on Halloween they messed with him with firecrackers to get a look at him, the cabin caught on fire and Victor’s father came to rescue him only to hit his boy in the head with a hatchet by accident thus killing him. Oh FYI, one of the kids is wearing a pig mask and I started laughing. I could only think of Motel Hell. Our wayward party is all catching their breath in front of his very house.

  

I will say this for the movie. While the concept of a slasher movie is nothing original, the story itself was. A good cast, some decent camera work and lighting must have been a pain in the butt out in the swamp.

Granted, Crawley did have some Jason like qualities, his insane snarls and baying at the moon was kind of creepy. So if you want a nice throwback to the slasher genre and are not easily grossed out at the LARGE mass amount of gore and blood then this movie is for you.

Do not bring your sequels here!!!!

Gratuitous Gore Gag Week

Howdy readers of mine! Well I have a short week as I am talking a plane (AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!) out to Texas to attend a wedding. The bride-to-be is a dear friend and sister of the heart for my lady love and how can I disappoint? Only a complete doof is going to ruin that journey, in spite of me being terrified to fly. The brain conjures too many scenarios of bodies strewn across the countryside while wild wolves chew away limbs but that is just the vivid gore spattered mindset.

You kids stop fornicating in my damn beans!!!

 With that in mind I though we would ramp up to a topic that starts conflicts, gets blood boiling and irks many. The subject matter is for gore gags galore. Now I am aware that loads of people like their horror films with entrails, innards and fluids all over the ceiling, walls and floor but not everyone feels that way. Some folks still have appreciation for concepts like: Plot, character development, a story arc, 3 acts and so on. I present to you 4 films I felt had great potential but then the need for mess everywhere the downfall for the flick.

This week is known as Gratuitous Gore Gags Week. So yes you may want to get some plastic tarps down and maybe a bucket or two.

Man, my head cold is getting worse!

Shut Up Wesley Week: The Icarus Factor

And a fine greetings to you all for Day 4 of Shut Up Wesley Week. Well we have seen our wee fledgling interfere with plans, takeovers and possibly even have time to moon over girls but... does Wesley know what to do with with Lt. Worf? Such an imposing man must be difficult to read at all times so why not read up on his culture? Commander Riker attending his very estranged father's command is coming to terms with things left unsaid and whether or not his is ready to command his own ship. This is The Icarus Factor.

Did you have it lanced, Wesley?

Commander Riker has been offered a difficult assignment as the new captain of the Aries exploring a frontier in unexplored space. His father former Starfleet tactical Kyle Riker (Mitchell Ryan of North and South, Northstar, Lethal Weapon, Santa Barbara, Renegade, Speechless, Dharma & Greg and Justice League) comes with Will's transfer orders and beaming with pride that he will be tackling his first major assignment without having to answer to anyone but Starfleet. Will Riker feels differently about the Enterprise and finds value in his work, his crew and his career at current. Kyle tries to mend fences as neither of these men have really spoken to each other for a very long time but Will feels too little too late.

So then he says, Klingon bastards killed my son.  I did not understand.

Lt. Worf (Michael Dorn of ChiPs, Gargoyles, Aaahh!! Real Monsters, Cow and Chicken, Star Trek: Deep Space, Superman: The Animated Series, Forgotten Realms: Baldur's Gate II- Shadows Amn and The Super Hero Squad Show) feeling irritable and stringent to be lost in his duties, only Wesley seems to really notice something is bothering him. With the advice of both Data and LaForge, Wesley looks into Klingon culture studying up on it half the night to discover that a time honored tradition will pass Worf by and disrupt his spiritual path to being a true warrior.

With the information at hand, Wesley, Data and LaForge wish to attend a holodeck version of the 10th year of ascension where a warrior moves to a higher spiritual plateau but they are keeping a secret from Worf.

Will and Kyle meet up several times in this episode and each attempt always ends in snark, disgruntlement and both men having the need to be right. Pride goeth before a fall, fellas. With that in mind, Dr. Pulaski and Counselor Troi tries to reach both men with little to no success and feel that only the boys can sort out their own issues and hopefully their collective counseling has reached them if only on a minute level.

Will Riker and his father come to some terms? Can Wesley and his conspirators pull off the surprise party for Worf? Will Picard ever get a girl?

A few points of interest now. All the Klingon costumes were already made for Star Trek V: The Final Frontier but most of the boots hailed from The Planet of the Apes TV Show shot many moons ago also through Paramount. John Tesh co-host for Entertainment Tonight volunteered to act as a holographic Klingon in the ritual filming.   

Damn that Romulan Ale goes right through you.

Shut Up Wesley Week: The Child

Greetings folks of the trek and welcome back for Day 3 of Shut Up Wesley Week. We are jumping ahead to Season 2 as Dr. Beverly Crusher has been made Head of Starfleet Medical and transferred off the Enterprise. Now Wesley is a full Ensign must decide if he stays or transfers from the Enterprise as well. Coupled with the fact there's a baby on the way for Counselor Troi. This is The Child.

Whoopi, what is love?

With Dr. Crusher reporting to Starfleet to head the Medical division, The Enterprise must rendenvous with Starbase Tango Sierra then head off to Audcet IX to collect samples of a plague that is rampant in the Rahcelis System. It seems to ravage the plasma in a humanoid's body sot that could be bad. Lt. La Forge has just been made chief engineer and is busily constructing the containment module in the cargo bay as his team has just squeaked by the deadline. A energy particle moving spratically through the ship lands in Counselor Troi's (Marina Sirtis of Death Wish 3, The Return of Sherlock Holmes, Gargoyles, Star Trek: First Contact, Net Games, Mass Effect, Young Justice and A Dark Reflection) quarters.

The crew receives their new chief medical officer Dr. Pulaski (Diana Muldaur of Star Trek, The Survivors, Born Free, L.A. Law and Batman: The Animated Series) who has already torqued Picard off by not checking in with him and discovers her in Ten Forward where she decided to relax prior to such obligations.

I swear I am not the father, Doctor.

On the way to Ten Forward Picard bumps into Wesley who will be joining his mother shortly and the Captain apologizes for the delay to visit with her. Picard points out that in Starfleet, assignment changes does frequent often and it is going to be up to him on choosing what assignment fits his potential future better and that there are plenty of good ships out there. Wesley simply points out those other ships will not be the Enterprise. Even Picard has to agree with that beaming with pride in the young man and his performance. Troi is pregnant from the entity that entered and is a rapid growth and the birth is a matter of hours. The concerns of the crew is obvious but Commander Riker (Jonathan Frakes of Paper Dolls, North and South, North and South, Book II, Gargoyles, Star Trek: Insurrection, The Librarian: Return to King Solomon's Mines and The Glades) who had a previous relationship with the Counselor is showing signs of jealous and loss of what could have been.

Does the child pose a threat to the ship and its crew? Will Wesley come to terms with a new assignment or fight to stay on the Enterprise? Can Pulaski endear herself to the crew?

A few points of interest on this episode. Frakes returned to rehearsals at the start of second season with a beard with he fully intended to shave off but the producers like it and asked him t keep it which he did through the rest of the show's running. This is the first time seeing Wesley in uniform after graduating from cadet.

Marina Sirtis refers to this episode as her least favorite having to wear a fake belly filled with birdseed and had to be careful how she moved so the seeds would not shift and make noise. This is also the first appearances of both Dr. Pulaski and Guinan (Whoopi Goldberg).

Ahhh!! Creeper face going there, Riker!

Shut Up Wesley Week: Datalore

Welcome back readers of mine for Day 2 of Shut Up Wesley Week. A brief break into the week as my co-host and I were recording another Rotten Ramblin' On podcast and if you haven't already heard it, give it the once over but please excuse the chirping birds that I COULD NOT drown out no matter how much I tried with Soundforge. That being said we travel on with the crew of Enterprise D to the thirteenth episode of Season 1 to Omicron Theta (CRONNNNNN!!!!!!) to the site of Data's birthplace as it were. The same place 26 years ago the crew of the USS Tripoli science vessel surveyed and came back with an android. This is Datalore.

Data, did you just beef?

For some nagging reason or plot device, Lt. Cdr. Data (Brent Spiner) has been given the memories of 411 colonists and does not know why but wishes to investigate. As this is in route to the Starbase the Enterprise is set to get computer dianostics, Picard (Sir Patrick Stewart of Dune, Excalibur, Safehouse, X-Men, X-2, Star Trek: Generations and Blunt Talk) sees no reason to skip shedding light on this mystery. With the away team on the surface. They soon discover what once was a thriving farmland seems almost barren and desolate. Think Death Valley. As they progress, La Forge (LeVar Burton) notices a rock formation that looks man made and nothing shall escape the awesome might of his banana clip, ah I mean visor. Finding a fully-functional laboratory and papers clearly showing this once housed Dr. Noonan Soong who developed his positronic brain that processes all of Data's functions and memory. Furthermore they encounter a disassembled android of Data's exact likeness. The crew head back to the ship with boxes of Data clone.

Here is where we will be rid of that accursed ring!!

Later in machine shop, a team of engineers go to work rebuilding this android under the supervision of Lt. Cdr. Argyle (Biff Yeager of F/X 2, The Golden Girls, Batman Returns, Scrubs, Gilmore Girls and Hart of Dixie) and they believe that he has the same parts as Data but they need comparative information to do a thorough examination. In order to check his vital circuitry Data tells Dr. Crusher of a guarded secret of having an off switch and asks her to keep it confidential. Seems rational or he would just get interrupted every time he had a dispute or query.

This new android calling himself Lore claims that Data was built first as Lore has an easier grasp of contractions, emotions and almost human interaction, the very concepts that elude Data. Claiming Data's lack of perfection annoyed Dr. Soong and he created Lore. Lore acts dodgy, states he is programmed to serve but there is a hint of disdain in his voice and he has some sort of twitch around his eye seems to occur often...(probably when he attempts to decieve.) Similar to each other, Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher(Wil Wheaton) can see many distinctions of difference and unknowingly irks Lore.

A conflict in Lore's quarters allows Lore to incapacitate Data and swap uniforms so none are the wiser but "Data" claims Lore has behaving most erratic and tells Wesley that he had to shut "Lore" off by the same means he wanted private as though this is just one of those things. Wesley convinced this is a load of Targ (Klingon pet lizard dog species) droppings presents his case to his mom and the Captain. The captain seems vexed with Wesley and dismisses his concerns stating to not question superior officers without having facts rather than a hunch or gut instinct.

Lore is later discovered speaking with a crystalline entity that wiped out the colonists according to Lore it attacked them unprovoked... methinks otherwise as Wesley is convinced that Lore is playing them for suckers. Can Wesley be vindicated? Will Lore slay the humans? Can Data stop Lore?

A few comments on the episode. Michael Dorn stated in many conventions including the one I attended as a wee lad, that Season 1 was all about how can we smack around Worf including the slap down of Lore vs. Worf. Many a trip to "Planet Hell" as the cast called it.

The line, "Shut Up Wesley!" is spoken by both Captain Picard and Doctor Crusher in this episode has become the catchphrase of the fans that found young Crusher irksome in the source of photo memes, video clips and even horrible remix music. Honestly with such history Wil should just title a book Shut Up Wesley as a memoir but that is just one fellow's opinion. 

Scram kid, yer botherin' me.

  

Rotten Ramblin' On 4! We almost sound professional!

Shut Up Wesley was put on hold today for a brand new Rotten Ramblin' On podcast # 4.   Our valiant heroes tackle the standing of sci-fi games of both video games and this archaic concept known as tabletop games! Once again, this is NSFW and Adult language.

This armor chafes a bit.

https://soundcloud.com/jake-peck-2/rotten-ramblin-on-4


Again I do apologize as I am going to get indigogo up and running again for some fundage to properly host the podcast and maybe even give it a snappy intro music!!!

Yeah doll, the orcs smell like drek but they soak up bullets, see?

Shut Up Wesley Week: The Naked Now

Welcome readers to Day 1 of Shut Up Wesley Week. As promised there will be disgruntlement aimed at the adolescent trekker of the stars. I felt it proper to hit up the third episode of first season fresh from the adventures at Farpoint station and the enigmatic Q we continue on our journeys. This is The Naked Now.

Wes, that is an unlicensed nuclear accelerator.  Be careful.

Off to rendezvous with a science vessel recording a super giant about to collapse in a matter of hours. However the seemingly drunken and nearly pornographic messages sent from the S.S. Tsiolkovsky has the Enterprise a bit baffled. Only after hearing what sounded like an emergency bulkhead removed and blowing folks into space the crew thinks something is amiss. With the ship in tractor beam the away team heads to the science vessel to investigate. Then Lt. La Forge (LeVar Burton of Roots, The Midnight Hour, The Supernaturals, Reading Rainbow, Captain Planet and the Planeteers and Transformers: Rescue Bots) encounters a frozen body that carried some virulent disease that seems to inhibit the capacity for rational thought and dulls morals... i.e. too much liquor. Unknowingly carrying this virus, he meets with Wesley (Wil Wheaton of The Last Starfighter, Stand by Me, Toy Soldiers, Deep Core, Python, Neverland, Eureka and The Legion of Superheroes) showing off a homemade tractor beam and an audio recorder with the Captain's voice that La Forge infects the precocious lad as well.

I see a bald spot, Data. Report to mechanical for a touch up.

Dr. Crusher (Gates McFadden of The Hunt for Red October, Star Trek: Generations, Marker, Mad About You and Franklin& Bash)cannot explain why the decontamination system didn't isolate and eradicate this virus, nor can she account for what it is but only its symptoms are similar to an incident of a viral outbreak on the Enterprise under Kirk's command (Would have shot the little Irishman that wouldn't stop singing. Hell, I wanted to blast him out an airlock.) and hopes that could produce a cure.

With Lt. Yar (Denise Crosby of Arizona Heat, Skin Deep, The Flash, Key West, Red Shoe Diaries, Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman and The Walking Dead) also infected by the virus she finds comfort... in the android Lt. Data's (Brent Spiner of Night Court, Corrina Corrina, Gargoyles, Independence Day, Star Trek: Enterprise, Fresh Hell and Warehouse 13) arms and his... fully functional techniques. With the ship having technical errors left and right it is only a matter of time before the Supergiant goes off and with the lack of a capable crew leaves the Enterprise vulnerable to be turned into the contents of tinned potato salad. Wesley heads to Engineering to stir up trouble and cause some hijinks.

Can the crew and ship be saved? Will the virus ravage them all? Will little Timmy be transported from the well that Lassie left him to die in?

And now some trivia! Oh get over it, this always happens.

Gene Roddenberry had hope recycling the scripts from the original Star Trek with a bigger effect budget would boost some ratings but the fans were not overtly thrilled with the remake of The Naked Time that he scrapped that plan to make episodes too closely similar to the originals.

This is the first time Captain Kirk is referenced by name in Star Trek: The Next Generation. Wesley's re-imagined repulser (or Repulsor) beam seems almost borrowed from Sulu re-modulation of the ship's tractor beam during Who Mourns for Adonais but again this was a 14 year-old that created it so don't get it twisted, trekkers. Sheesh, some people.   

KNEEL BEFORE YOUR NEW MASTER!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Shut Up Wesley Week!

Welcome back my fine cadre of readers to the week. What week will it be? Glad you all collectively asked as this week will be Star Trek themed. Yes, space... Okay, I am not writing that lengthy babble for the final frontier out but you get the general idea.

Jeepers, this sweater is itchy.

Now before you all start rolling your eyes , I decided that we would look at a character. While I have already had a week for the actor in question showing his ranging in acting, voice acting and writing we are not looking at Wil Wheaton but in fact, his Star Trek character that was beloved by many and loathed by others. A genius IQ at a young age attempting to bond with his peers all the while working with adults. The isolation alone should be enough for a young lad to feel out of place. Constantly annoying adults with thought provoking questions and coming up with solutions prior to them did utter the wrath of, "Shut up, Wesley!"

This week we show when Wesley Crusher has been vital to the mission in spite of senior officers not taking it in to account. Also I felt bad for Wil having a character that apparently was not allowed to screw up. As you progress through the seasons, you see Wesley had more hurdles than most of his peers EVER had to contend with, and frankly the pressures of being mature before your years can be stifling to you as a gifted youngster that also received this with only academics thankfully. Another blessing to my folks for not enrolling me into some ridiculous higher learning program that would have driven me to a bell tower with a high-powered rifle.Guess that is life in the 28th century.  No art, comedy, written works for you Earthers.  Just get out there and plunder, er I mean explore strange new worlds and new civilizations.    Wil Wheaton may finally come to terms with what is genuinely, a cool gig for a Trekkie to be on. With this in mind, we look at Mr. Crusher and his many life's conflicts and difficulties.

Hmm, wonder what I would look like with a beard?  Can I grow a beard?

Sir Christopher Lee Week: The Three Musketeers

Welcome back fans of Lee to Day 4 of Sir Christopher Lee Week. Didn't get a lot of love for The Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf and well... I really can't blame you. It is a crap film and should be avoided at all costs unless you like anamorphic, piss poor SFX and large Sybil Danning breasts. So I chose a film filled with history, swordplay and swashbuckling. Yes, I am attempting to bribe you all in order to get in your good graces. Based on novelist Alexandre Dumas finer creations comes the 1973 version. This is The Three Musketeers.

Few are as dashing as I.

As the usual telling of the tale our film follows young D'Artangan (Michael York of Logan's Run, Knots Landing, The Lady and the Highwayman, The Return of the Musketeers, Eline Vere and Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery) who arrives in Paris with dreams of being a musketeer and serving the king. Little side note, I have never seen a Frenchman aside from Gerard Depardieu in The Man in the Iron Mask play a musketeer. Moving right along, as a country lad and unfamiliar with city customs our young lad find himself slapped about, insulted and robbed by the Comte de Rochefort (Christopher Lee).

Going downhill from there, D'Artagan directly challenges each musketeer to a duel due to some insult or accident or in general a faux-pa. As the duel begins, Jussac of the Cardinal Richelieu's guards along with five other swordsmen demands the immediate surrender of their commissions and blades. Athos (Oliver Reed of R3, The Jokers, The Assassination Bureau, The Big Sleep, Gor, Hired to Kill and Gladiator), Porthos (Frank Finlay of The Three Musketeers, The Four Musketeers, A Christmas Carol, Lifeforce and The Pianist) and Aramis (Richard Chamberlain of Dr. Kildare, Centennial, Shogun, King Solomon's Mines, The Bourne Identity and The Return of the Musketeers) feel the need to decline. D'Artagan fights along side the musketeers as they endeavor to end the power held over their king by the Cardinal (Charlton Heston of Arrowhead, Touch of Evil, Ben-Hur, The Ten Commandments, Planet of the Apes and Soylent Green).

Wow, Street Fighter's Sagat has really changed his look.

The juvenile bladesmaster finds comfort and solace in the arms of his landlord's wife Constance de Bonacieux (Raquel Welch of Fantastic Voyage, One Million Years, B.C., Fahtom, 100 Rifles, Bluebeard, Spin City and American Family) the Queen Anna's (Geraldine Chaplin of Doctor Zhivago, Rasputin, Stress Is Three, Love on the Ground, The Return of the Musketeers, Just Run! and The Hidden) dressmaker and closest confidante. The former lover of the queen, the Duke of Buckingham (Simon Ward of Young Winston, The Three Musketeers, Zulu Dawn, Judge John Deed and The Tudors) humbly asks for a token to remember her by when she hands over a priceless necklace with twelve diamonds in setting to him. The Cardinal decides to make the Queen appear to be in league with the Duke by asking the king to host a ball in the queen's honor so she may display her lovely necklace for all the court to see. Can the musketeers recover the necklace and save face for the queen? Will the Cardinal send his minions to dispatch them?

A few facts on the movie.

Swordmaster/ fight choreographer William Hobbs had to stage all the fight scenes by working both individually with each swordsman as well as orchestrate the blocked scenes with cinematographer/ director of photography David Watkins to make certain their form was correct and no injuries occurred but accidents will happen as Oliver Reed was severely injured during the windmill duel scene and almost died when he was stabbed in the throat. Thank God for good health care.

Originally it was said that the Beatles would play the Musketeers as their main director Richard Lester was on-board but the producers felt the Beatles would be too much of their own personality and not be appropriate for the characters. Charlton Heston was offered a role as one of the Musketeers as Aramis or Porthos but he felt the role was too physically demanding and chose to play the villain for a change.   

Dammit all!  We ran into the credits!

Sir Christopher Lee Week: The Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen for Day 3 of Sir Christopher Lee Week. Well it pains me to say that every so often even a great actor such as the gentleman of the week does find himself in the occasional stinker. Sayth whaaaaaat??? Surely not, Jake. Alas my readers it is so. Normally I do not sully a good man's work in this case, this particular flick has an cult following for some of the bizarre alterations to the mythos, the ever screaming, gun blasting Reb Brown and the voluptuous Sybil Danning. This is Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf.

No, no. Not Dracula this time around.

Attempting to directly follow the original (by the way, this is the only sequel in the series that bothers with that notion.) after the death of Karen White, who morphed on film and then her was shot during broadcast, her funeral is being attended by her brother... who was never mentioned in the previous film. Ben White (Reb Brown of Yor, the Hunter from the Future, Uncommon Valor, Space Mutiny, Big Wednesday, The Cage, Captain America, Captain America II: Death Too Soon, The Cage II and Night Claws) is a big, beefy guy that doesn't even know why his sister was murdered and somehow the station hushed up the whole on-air murder. Grief stricken Benis visited by his sister's colleague Jenny (Annie McEnroe of The Hand, Beetlejuice, Wall Street and True Stories) and an imposing man known as Stefan (Christopher Lee) who presents Ben with a video of her on-air transmografication and execution. Apparently they could not get the rights to Joe Dante's original footage so they had the re-create the wolfing out and it is MOST DEFINITELY not Rick Baker's brilliant transformation SFX and not even Dee Wallace of the original. The actress looks like a wookie getting pissed off and then splattered in her chair.

Ben calls BS and well I am inclined to agree. Stefan assures Ben that now that her body is ready to be placed in the ground she will no doubtlessly have the silver removed from her corpse and rise from beyond the grave... like she was a vampire. He furthermore tells Ben he will stake his dead sister... like a vampire and Ben storms off in a huff. Sheesh, who hasn't lost a loved one to a strange supernatural occurrence? At the mortuary, Stefan preps to stake away when Ben sneaks out of the shadows with a shotgun pointed at our 6'5 hero. It looks like curtains for Stefan when suddenly werewolves (kinda) appear at the mortuary and ambush the both of them. Ben blasts a few in his typical Reb Brown shouty way and Stefan still does in faux Karen.

Yeah the two reasons Sybil Danning got this part.

According to Stefan, only titanium can do in these particular werewolves that hail from Transylvania... like vampires. And suddenly silver, the basis of most werewolf mythos has been tossed aside for titanium??? Stefan warns Ben and Jenny that an ancient immortal vampire er um werewolf is poised to dominate the Earth unless they put a stop to it. Because Seal Team 3 through 6 were not available that day. Our immortal Striba (Sybil Danning of The Lady in Red Kills Seven Times, The Night of the Askari, Meteor, Chained Heat, Hercules, and Halloween) is not only a werewolf but a sorceress as well and has kept the town in fear feeds from young girls to replenish her beauty and strength...like a vampire again!!!   Will Stefan and gang arrive in time to do in this foul creature of the night? Why the hell is silver not an option? What's with the creepy dwarf? Dear God how many nude scenes are in this?

Quick few comments on the film.

Being cast for Gremlins 2: The New Batch, Lee apologized to Joe Dante who helmed the original The Howling for starring in its less than stellar sequel. Lee went for the role as he had not been in a werewolf movie... and I feel he still hadn't. This movie was released during the early 80s werewolf craze like: Wolfen, Full Moon Hight, Teen Wolf, The Company of Wolves and of course An American Werewolf in London.

The pee wee puppet heads for the creatures look as though they were filmed on a sound stage and then edited in with the odd paw to swing at the actors. The transformations are laughable, the plot weak and the mythos mangled. The only thing I really enjoyed out of this movie was the soundtrack written and performed by Stephen Parsons and the Punk Group Babel. Way too much boobage for the kiddies and I guess the violence but not so much for the blood and gore.

Werewolf or Cornelius from Planet of the Apes??

Sir Christopher Lee Week: The Horror of Dracula

Welcome back for Day 2 of Sir Christopher Lee Week. As mentioned prior the man of the week had more than a few reoccurring appearances with his main character. Harken back to 1958 when Dracula was tall, majestic and all the while vicious and one would dare say brutal. So grab your crucifix, holy water and a few stakes. This is the Horror of Dracula.

Do I have something on my chin?

Veteran Hammer Film Director Terrence Fisher (The Curse of Frankenstein, Horror of Dracula, The Revenge of Frankenstein, The Hound of the Baskervilles, and The Man Could Cheat Death) brings in my humble opinion a timeless tale of the misdeeds of the Lord of the Vampires. We open with our movie on Jonathan Harker (John Van Eyssen of Chance Meeting, Four Sided Triangle and Quartermass 2) a mind mannered librarian arriving in Transylvania to catalog Count Dracula’s extensive library but in fact is to investigate Count Dracula (Christopher Lee of Horror of Dracula, The Three 
Musketeers, The Man with the Golden Gun, Dracula and Son and Star Wars: Episode II- Attack of the Clones) and the possible link he has with a cult of vampirism. Soon after encountering one of Dracula’s brides, Harker is determined to rid the world of this undead monster, manages to stake the girl but is thereby angered Dracula and is slain by him.

Almost certain that is not how to perform the Heimlich maneuver.

Doctor Van Helsing (Peter Cushing of The Curse of Frankenstein, The Abominable Snowman, The Hound of the Baskervilles, The Brides of Dracula, Dr. Who and the Daleks, Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope and Shock Waves) arrives in Transylvania in search of the whereabouts of his associate; only to find Harker had been made a vampire and he slew his former colleague. He finds a few detailed clues that Dracula has vacated the country in search for Harker’s fiancé, Lucy. Desperate to catch the fiend before he has the girl under his spell, Helsing rushes back to London in the hopes that he can end Dracula’s tyranny of terror.

How about some groovy facts on the film. 

Christopher Lee had 13 lines in this movie, then it was snarls and slapping people about.

  Peter Cushing gets top billing but appears 25 minutes into the movie.   An unusual move for the director but I am not  judging.    On several occasions Lee complained about his contact lenses that were there for effect to shock and awe the audience but they were the hardened lenses  and colored so he couldn't always see and he missed the vampire woman a few times trying to grasp her.

What can I say about this movie? Well it is one of the Technicolor greats. Filmed in standard 35mm stock and has two very distinguished British actors Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. The film has a good pace and does not leave much time to moll over scene to scene. The wide angle shots of the castle’s interior will astound you. The musical score in junction with the exterior castle shots and even those of the graveyard just sends mild chills down the spine. The fog on the graveyard followed by the orchestration just sets the tone of this movie. Lee’s portrayal of Dracula is one of elegance and object cruelty. Cushing is steadfast as a hero and you get the feeling would sacrifice his own life to end Dracula.

Sorry gore fans this is not that messy for you but I think the plot and performances should make up for that. As for the rest of you that may have grown up on these films as well as your children did. Pop it in your DVD player and give it the love it deserves.

HICKEY ATTACK!!!!

Sir Christopher Lee Week: The Man with the Golden Gun

Welcome one and all to Day 1 of Sir Christopher Lee Week. With the roles of wretched scum and villainy, I thought we would start the week off with a memorable character other than Dracula. Yeah way to branch out I know. The fact that I have reviewed almost all of his portrayals of said character might have been a definitive role in this review but let that not bother you. Instead, I felt a particular Bond villain might just be the ticket to kick this week off right. That being said, Bond is led to believe he is being targeted by the world's most expensive assassin and must get the jump on him before he succeeds in killing Bond. This is The Man with the Golden Gun.

Light Cotton Polyester Blend: Beloved by hit men all over the world.

A million dollars buys a fair amount but one transaction you may not have considered is a hit-man giving you piece of mind. Saramanga (Christopher Lee of Horror of Dracula, The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes, Umbracle, The Satanic Rites of Dracula, The Wicker Man, The Three Musketeers, Gremlins 2: The New Batch, Ivanhoe, Soul Music and GoldenEye: Rogue Agent) an accomplished marksman created by the KGB is said to require only one shot to complete his contract.

A fellow double 0 turns up dead and Scaramanga is laid the blame with the caliber comes out as gold. Bond (Roger Moore of Ivanhoe, The Saint, Maverick, The Persuaders!, Live and Let Die, The Sea Wolves and Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore) is on assignment to find out what brings an assassin out of the shadows. A golden bullet is delivered to MI6 as a warning to Bond or perhaps a challenge? A brillant new solar power cell called the solex agitator draws in more solar power than any before and could be the next step into eliminating the need for fossil fuels and uranium deposits. Gibson, the scientist trying to give this to MI6 fails to deliver when he is shot by Scaramanga on Bond's watch.

Your timing is appalling.

Assuming all along the target was Bond, Gibson is shot straight through the heart causing instant death. The caliber is identical as the previous of an unusual caliber meaning a superior craftsman made this firearm giving Bond the first lead in his mission. Following a girl that is meant to pick up bullets from the gunsmith to Hong Kong he begins to find out just what sort of a man his opponent is and the drive and ambition he possesses. Will Bond be able to stop this assassin? Can Scaramanga convince Bond to join him in the same line of work?

A few fun facts on the film.

While shooting in Thailand the cast and crew were put up at one of the local bordellos. When going to Johnny Carson Show, Christopher Lee had his Golden Gun confiscated by US Customs until they were certain it was not a real lethal weapon. Christopher Lee wore full body makeup to give off the appearance of a tan.

Herve' Villechaize (Nick Nack) commented to Roger Moore that he could never get a hotel room above the first floor. Baffled at this, Moore asked him why when Villechaize responded with couldn't reach the buttons in the elevator.

I can explain the twin Chinese girls, sir.